It's a Texlahoma Story

YES!

I mean, it sucks that you have all that to be angry about, but I feel like with all that anger you're at least making progress and feeling ready to stick up for yourself and not just force yourself into a box that suits his life. BE ANGRY!

Let that motivate you to figure out what you want and need out of the relationship and let him know that he can either meet your needs or the shape of the relationship will change (end it, or downgrade it, or let him know you're going to start dating again to find an additional someone that WILL meet those needs and you don't want or need his permission).

I hope he can see the light, but if not, I just hope that you do whatever you need to do to just be happy!
 
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I agree! Awsome! Whereever this leads, somes we need anger to help us out of (major or minor) depression.

Glad my comment was not totally off base.
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
This one is sooooo complicated for me. It's already an effort not to slut shame myself for dating outside my marriage. I'm not sure I could handle sexual relationships with multiple guys.

In previous relationships, even though they were "open", I never slept with anyone besides my Official Boyfriend. I dated. It was fun. I made out with cute guys I'd never see again. But I knew in the back of my mind that if I DID meet someone worth getting naked with, I'd have serious issues.
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I actually sort of get this. I've been in a poly relationship for more then two years now, and although conceptually I don't get why sex should be exclusive, wanted to try what is available etc etc, it's been only in the last few months, that I - not even hooked up, rather made out - with two guys (outside of the tantra workshops, where it's different). I've got all this fear of STD's going on, fear of getting pregnant by some unlikely weird accident, general mistrust in anyone who might aim at casual sex, and yes, shame as well. This ingrained idea that outside of a committed relationship sex would make me somehow dirty or less then, or the pray for the guy. Doesn't make me act like a good girl in relationships, but def puts inhibitions when it comes even to flirting and dating and...

Communication. Yes. One of those things that's easier when you either see your partner regularly or can depend on them to not disappear mid text
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Yes indeed :( Still, it's in your power to call him out on that.

Btw. raising your voice about issues the moment they arrise is the only effective anger management I know about.
 
Thanks y'all :)

So in a fit of drunken bravery/stupidity, I put up an okc profile :eek: I had forgotten what this shit was like. I was online for an hour and got 20 messages.

There are some decent dudes. Most seem monogamy inclined but I'm guessing the ones who are like 90% matches must be at least open minded :confused: Or just looking for a hook up. Who the fuck knows.

What I do know is none of them are Dag. As angry as I am, as confused and sad as I am, I still love that boy to pieces.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Thanks y'all :)

So in a fit of drunken bravery/stupidity, I put up an okc profile :eek: I had forgotten what this shit was like. I was online for an hour and got 20 messages.

There are some decent dudes. Most seem monogamy inclined but I'm guessing the ones who are like 90% matches must be at least open minded :confused: Or just looking for a hook up. Who the fuck knows.

What I do know is none of them are Dag. As angry as I am, as confused and sad as I am, I still love that boy to pieces.
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Bear in mind that OKC bumps profiles with new stuff, into more search results and higher in the search results.

A brand new profile will be in front of many eyeballs. After a while, not as much...unless you get in there and add pics, change text, answer more questions...then you get "bumped."

I reactivated mine just to change the password on it a couple of months ago. I had initially used a password that I used to use for a lot of different logins, and my ex knew that I used it (or a variation of it) so I've been going around to my various logins and changing passwords to things he doesn't know. Securing my accounts and such.

Unfortunately, you can't do this on OKC to an inactive "dark" profile, you've got to flip on the light switch for a minute.

In that short time, DING, DING, DING, DING...views, messages, likes...I was like OMG STOP IT, don't get all excited guys! I'm not really here!!

Kind of funny.

Have fun with OKC. Take it slow and easy. Sometimes just when we think it's going to be impossible to find just the right thing with just the right person, somehow it all comes together. You're gonna be alright. :)
 
I disabled the okc account... It was a goof, an attempt to, I dunno, combat the scarcity mentality.

I feel bad when I do that, bad for all the decent guys who are messaging and trying hard and then wondering why I don't reply. I know, I know, nobody replies on okc! But I still feel shitty about it.

It's funny, okc is crazy different than it was 2 years ago. In the past when I used it, it was mostly younger dudes saying Kik me! Let's Skype! There was still some of that. But way more open relationship people, way more poly friendly single people. Hmmm.

That may be contributing to my taking the profile down until/unless I actually want to, you know, date. I don't cry any tears over ignoring guys who write U R HOTTT :rolleyes: But I do want to be fair? decent? to the "good guys". I woke up this morning to over 150 messages and after skimming them, only a handful were eye-rollingly bad, and HALF mentioned specifically being cool with the poly thing and/or asked questions. Maybe I just want to be a good Poly Ambassador or whatever. Not leave them saying, oh, those poly girls, just flakes.

But anyway. Not ready to date. I mean, I knew that, but seeing all those guys and thinking, but he's not Dag!!! just confirmed it. I'm meeting Dag tomorrow to talk. I hope we can make this work.

I have been thinking and writing about what I truly NEED here, and honestly it just comes down to reassurance that he takes this relationship seriously, and that he values me. Like actual words, I need him to SAY that stuff. That's a hard thing to ask for... Even more so because I *have* asked before and not gotten it :(

That, and birthdays/Valentines/anniversary. I know he has never celebrated those with his wife but fuck it. He wants a girlfriend, he can suck it up like every other dude and pretend to care about those things!
 
I think OKC has got to be the most respected, successful, and commonly used dating site there is. You can get a lot out of it for free, and it doesn't have the "kids trying to get laid" atmosphere of Tinder, or the "odds are good/goods are odd" reputation of Plenty of Fish. I know a few people who have tried Adult Friend Finder without much success, and one woman who even uses Craigslist :)eek:) but OKC seems to be where it's at, and online dating seems to be how it's done these days.

I'm glad you're doing whatever you need to do, to get clarity on how you really feel and why. I truly hope that Dag is invested enough and serious enough about having you continue being part of his life, that he can respect your needs, be fair and honest about HIS needs, and find happy middle grounds where both of you can thrive.
 
Spork said:
I think OKC has got to be the most respected, successful, and commonly used dating site there is. You can get a lot out of it for free, and it doesn't have the "kids trying to get laid" atmosphere of Tinder, or the "odds are good/goods are odd" reputation of Plenty of Fish. I know a few people who have tried Adult Friend Finder without much success, and one woman who even uses Craigslist :)eek:) but OKC seems to be where it's at, and online dating seems to be how it's done these days.
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I'm actually REALLY impressed with okc. In twelve hours I met 2 guys less than 30 minutes away who are married and poly. The matching algorithm is amazing.

Even in my not ready to date mentality, I think both guys have friend potential, so yay!!!

I will admit though that the linked profiles thing creeps me out a little. I get that it's largely to verify open vs cheating. But it can come across as "and this is the OTHER person you'll have to impress" :cool:
 
AFF can be pretty decent if you're in the right geographic area. I've heard from people in other parts of the US that it seriously sucks, but in my area... Well, that's where I met Hubby, as well as Guy and S2, and Best Friend. I've made some decent platonic friends there too. But OKC does seem to be far more poly-friendly. I've encountered a lot of folks on AFF who don't have high opinions of married people who have more than one romantic partner, though apparently it's okay if you're married and do the unicorn thing.
 
Posted a thread in the Poly Relationships section... Everybody go read it ;)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=79089

Dag and I talked. Just sat in his car for hours yesterday and TALKED. I needed that, I think he did, too.

I'm a little burnt out emotionally from it, tbh, so I don't feel up to posting everything that was said. But the short version is, I was able to tell him why I've been feeling so insecure and stressed out, and he listened. And he was able to tell me where his head is at these days.

He's really struggling with the DADT rule, reading a ton of books on non monogamy and poly, trying to figure out what he wants going forward. Basically, whether he's willing to risk ending his marriage in order to live more honestly and openly. I just listened. Suggested therapy, lol. Because that's his choice, his decision. I just told him I'll love him and want him in my life no matter what.

We also talked about what it means to be poly, what we gain from it, how we want it to fit into our lives. Part of that was the "should we open up to new partners?" stuff from the thread I linked above.

And we just held each other and said I love you over and over.

I feel good about things today. I want Dag in my life. But I want both of us to make conscious, thoughtful choices about what that means, what our relationship will be. Not just fall into a pattern that feels safe because it's damn close to monogamy, or stay together because it's the default choice, or avoid the tough topics because we're scared to rock the boat.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Dag and I talked. Just sat in his car for hours yesterday and TALKED . . . I was able to tell him why I've been feeling so insecure and stressed out, and he listened.
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REALLY? You told him about all the ways in which he disappointed you and had you feeeling taken for granted? If so, way to go - honesty for the win! If not, I am wondering what you held back or skirted around. I am rooting for you to be able to speak your truth!
 
nycindie said:
REALLY? You told him about all the ways in which he disappointed you and had you feeeling taken for granted? If so, way to go - honesty for the win! If not, I am wondering what you held back or skirted around. I am rooting for you to be able to speak your truth!
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I held back only one thing, and ironically it was the thing that made me angry in the first place - the "motivation" selfie. Body stuff is the hardest for me, the thing that derails me and leaves me wholly unable to have a grown up conversation :(

Other than that, yeah, honest talk. He's frustrated that I don't reach out, lean on him, ask him for help. I was like, "Um, because when I do you disappear mid "help". You've taught me not to ask, with your actions." That hurt him. A lot. But it's the truth. He says he's available to me (emotionally, for support, to be with me in emergencies) all day weekdays while he's at work. Um, I can't frigging schedule my emotions or life crises. Sigh.

He blames the DADT for all of that. I mean, he's not wrong. But ... He agreed to the damn DADT. I understand that he's hurting because of it, too, that he wants to change things. I just can't help but think, well, that's great news for his NEXT girlfriend. The upheaval and drama if he does try to make changes will be epic, I very much doubt the romantic part of our relationship could survive that.

And I was honest about feeling taken for granted. I'm not sure he "got" that one, really. He talked a lot about things settle down after the initial honeymoon, you find your normal, blah blah. I was clear that I DON'T do that, at least not in the way he does, but I'm not positive he really understood.

So, I feel good about the conversation. I feel good about telling him how I feel, what I need. I don't know where the relationship goes now. I am very on the fence about dating others. I have the okc back up, I'm chatting with half a dozen poly guys, and there's friend potential there, but... I dunno. I'm not really looking for casual sex, and I'm not really interested in starting another relationship.
 
Some days I just need to cry it out. Today is one of those days.

Andy and I are both in shitty places right now. Last night I offered up some kinky CD play for him, and instead of being excited or saying nah, he started to cry hysterically. I held him for an hour or so, but he wouldn't tell me what's going on, other than that he feels stupid :confused:

To give you an idea of how down we are today... He found out he's getting a random commission bonus for helping out with a sales presentation last month. It's not part of his comp, totally unexpected, and it's enough to cover our kitchen budget for the lake house. And we're both like, huh, that's nice, oh well, let's get back to wallowing in self pity.

Mine is self inflicted misery. I don't know why I brought up dating other people with Dag. Well, I do. I barely see him, and it sucks, and I feel like I barely have a boyfriend anymore. But in the back of my mind, I thought that if I expressed that, he'd offer more time or ... something. Not jump at the chance to date others. But that's what he did. For him, dating others isn't a thing we have to do because our schedules never line up. It's something he's genuinely excited about.

So now here I am, crying my eyes out. Thinking about Dag wanting to live authentically and how he feels so poly in his core. Why does that break me? Because I'm NOT poly in my core. It does not come easily or naturally to me. It's a daily emotional battle for me to practice polyamory without losing my sense of self.

The "loving many people" thing comes naturally. The balancing multiple close relationships, I'm good at that. The idea of giving my partner space and freedom to love others, that's easy.

But the sex part? That is SO hard. Is it possible to be polyamorous but mono sexual?

My sexual energy just focuses on one person at a time. When I have a good sexual connection with someone, they're all I want. No cravings for new sex partners. Great sex is such a bonding thing for me. It is not something I find easily, and when I do find it, I don't wonder what else is out there. I just want to revel in the deliciousness and the closeness and the joy of it.

In my ideal world, that sexual connection would have happened with my life partner, and I could coast happily through life as a sexually monogamous person who happens to have lots of super close friendships. Life didn't work out that way for me.

But I'm lucky that my life partner is awesome and accepting. Andy is happy to touch me or please me while I think about Dag. Just like I'll do that for him while he thinks about whatever the hell he wants. And we're both 100% supportive of the other going out and living out those fantasies with others. So on that side of things, poly works. Andy may fantasize about me being a slutty hotwife, but he accepts that I'm not into that, and that I'm just gonna be thinking about the same one guy for years on end.

The hard part is finding someone else who accepts me, sees me, understands me, loves me just as I am. I thought that in Dag, I had found my match. A guy who loved many but only needed one great sexual connection in his life. I thought we could build something amazing, where we could get mind blowing sex with each other, life partner stuff with our spouses, and love and friendship and romance from all sides.

But now that feels like just an illusion. I wonder how much of pervasive, constant stress and insecurity has come from knowing on some subconscious level that he doesn't want what I want.
 
You aren't wild about the relationship style Dag can offer you right now, though you're pretty wild about Dag himself in other ways.

So you're not sure about whether you're doing the right things with the right dude, though you're even more unsure and anxious about trying to do different things with a different dude where it might in fact end up being EVEN LESS RIGHT than what you already had going on.

No?

I know you've felt some doubts about whether you can "poly properly" because of your personal attachment preferences and desires for availability and time investments. While I believe that "To poly or not to poly" is a personal choice and there's no right or wrong answer to it...I'm not sure at all, that THAT, is the QUESTION. Yanno?

But if it is, you're not alone. I ask myself similar things, and feel a similar way about Zen. Only I don't have a husband anymore.

One thing I want to relate... I've got a pretty significant partner count in my sexual history. 45, which feels to me like kind of a lot. I'm not real keen to add a bunch of names to that list (and yes, I do have a list, because even though some of them back in the day were not incredibly memorable, I feel a certain moral horror at the notion of forgetting them entirely)...and given that the majority just weren't really that amazing, it got to the point of "Why did I do that?" and "Why continue to do that?" were certainly thoughts in my head. Nevermind the fact that it's a statistical miracle that I never caught an STI from any of it. A fate I prefer not to tempt, even with "protection."

Why DID I do that?

I wanted to be liked. That was a big part. I'm not saying I thought giving up sex to all of my friends would make me liked, but I was scared to say NO because I didn't want to be NOT LIKED for doing so. I want to make other people happy, if I like them. It's been pounded into my brain that girls are bad for "rejecting" men. Cruel, snobby, think we're better than they are... I didn't want to be that girl who made a good dude I liked, "feel rejected." I still struggle with this. I have a friend who comes onto me with an almighty persistence. Sometimes the flirtation is fun, sometimes I wish he'd stop. I've told him to please not take my "no" answers as a rejection of him as a person...because I do think he's great...but that I just didn't think it's a good idea. I want to be able to own my own sexuality enough to say no with grace. And I shouldn't have to make like I am the claimed property of another man to do so. Why is that so damned hard??

Anyways, I totally digress (I'm bad about that, so bad)...point is, I really don't want more new partners right now. I don't want to have sex just to prove that I'm free to do "whatever I want" with my body, only to have another one of the dozens of "meh" sexual experiences I've had in my life. They are almost ALL "meh" for me! But I've got one of the few GREAT lovers of my lifetime, in my life right now.

And the last really awesome one before him...I offered exclusivity (on my side only) to him because I felt he gave me everything I needed. I don't feel like I need more intimate partners if ONE is knocking my socks off and giving me the dizzying rush of intense feels and wonderful sex. I would rather not have sex, than have "meh" sex with someone new, especially knowing that I'm rolling the dice on my sexual health, AGAIN.

In fact the notion of finding a new sex partner who ends up not being a great match for me that way, fills me with a sort of dread. I don't wanna! And I can never tell if they're going to be great, terrible, or only "fine" until we're engaged in the act.

I feel a little differently about partners I've already had, and I see those relationships for what they are between me and the people involved...

But I've actually felt an unintentional sort of pressure from some in my community to be more slutty, to be a good sport and be a fun toy for them, their friends, their friends' friends. To be more willing. To be "free and poly and available" like a swinger or something. And you know, it makes me wish that I could just be mono with Zen and him to collar me so that they'd leave me alone about it. Not my quad...but other people I know and meet, make me feel that way.

Long story short, Zen is fantastic, I feel he's a wonderful sexual match and he lets me love on him. And so despite being incredibly fond of my quad, not wanting to let them down, not wanting to hurt their feelings, and still wanting to have very emotionally close friendships with them...Zen is all I NEED right now. And I feel like a failure as a polyamorist for wanting to give sex to only one person, and that if they don't have at least my theoretical consent to sex (even if they don't necessarily WANT it, as 2 out of 3 often don't)...they won't like me anymore.

So in YOUR situation...I can imagine too that not only are you dreading trying to "audition" to find the right new sex partner who will be a great match in that aspect...but what if you do??? Do you detach from Dag, do you lose him? Does he do this to you if HE finds a new partner that revs his engines?

You have my sympathies and understanding. Honestly? I think both of us, and maybe a few other posters too, need to be more forgiving of ourselves and quit worrying about if we are REALLY meant to be poly or not, or if we're doing it right. You know? I don't think anybody is gonna take our membership cards or kick us outta the club.
 
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Yeah, they only blackball you for failure to pay poly dues for too many months.; )


Leetah
 
Wow, thank you, Spork. Everything you said just resonated so much.

Spork said:
You aren't wild about the relationship style Dag can offer you right now, though you're pretty wild about Dag himself in other ways.

So you're not sure about whether you're doing the right things with the right dude, though you're even more unsure and anxious about trying to do different things with a different dude where it might in fact end up being EVEN LESS RIGHT than what you already had going on.
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Yes. Exactly. And I'm terrible at uncertainty and unknowns.

Anyways, I totally digress (I'm bad about that, so bad)...point is, I really don't want more new partners right now. I don't want to have sex just to prove that I'm free to do "whatever I want" with my body, only to have another one of the dozens of "meh" sexual experiences I've had in my life. They are almost ALL "meh" for me! But I've got one of the few GREAT lovers of my lifetime, in my life right now.

And the last really awesome one before him...I offered exclusivity (on my side only) to him because I felt he gave me everything I needed. I don't feel like I need more intimate partners if ONE is knocking my socks off and giving me the dizzying rush of intense feels and wonderful sex. I would rather not have sex, than have "meh" sex with someone new, especially knowing that I'm rolling the dice on my sexual health, AGAIN.

In fact the notion of finding a new sex partner who ends up not being a great match for me that way, fills me with a sort of dread. I don't wanna! And I can never tell if they're going to be great, terrible, or only "fine" until we're engaged in the act.
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I feel exactly the same way. Most of the sex I've had has been meh, and I'll work on it if if the relationship is otherwise awesome, but if it's a mostly sex type thing? Yeah, I'm moving on, it's not worth it. I have never understood the saying that "sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's good!"... Bad sex is awful. Even so so sex is pretty shitty, I'd rather skip it. But sometimes sex is... Perfect and life changing and mind blowing and addictive. Yeah. When I have that? I'm good. I'm great. I don't have any need to find more partners.

I never know how to count partners (piv? oral? anything meant to result in orgasm?) but my number is somewhere between 10 and 15. The ones back when I was single, I don't regret any, even the meh ones. The partners since opening up... Most of those I now regret. Because unlike you I usually DO know it's going to be not-that-good, but I felt obligated. Not even obligated to the guy, but somehow obligated to my non-monogamous-ness, to have some certain amount of random sex.

Ugh. Yeah, fuck that.

So in YOUR situation...I can imagine too that not only are you dreading trying to "audition" to find the right new sex partner who will be a great match in that aspect...but what if you do??? Do you detach from Dag, do you lose him? Does he do this to you if HE finds a new partner that revs his engines?
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yup. That's the heart of it. I don't know how Dag will feel, he's had three partners in his life, none overlapping. Not much I can do on that but wait and see.

For me... If I do sleep with others, and it's meh, then... Ok, why? What's the point? Why am I spending a night doing that when I could be getting off 20 times with Dag? But if I find someone who rocks my world... I expect I will feel completely torn and like I have to choose. I get that being non mono means I shouldn't feel that way - but my sexual wiring didn't quite get that message.
 
Leetah said:
Yeah, they only blackball you for failure to pay poly dues for too many months.; )


Leetah
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Or if you can't pass the pop quiz on the textbook, More Than Two :)
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Wow, thank you, Spork. Everything you said just resonated so much.



Yes. Exactly. And I'm terrible at uncertainty and unknowns.



I feel exactly the same way. Most of the sex I've had has been meh, and I'll work on it if if the relationship is otherwise awesome, but if it's a mostly sex type thing? Yeah, I'm moving on, it's not worth it. I have never understood the saying that "sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's good!"... Bad sex is awful. Even so so sex is pretty shitty, I'd rather skip it. But sometimes sex is... Perfect and life changing and mind blowing and addictive. Yeah. When I have that? I'm good. I'm great. I don't have any need to find more partners.

I never know how to count partners (piv? oral? anything meant to result in orgasm?) but my number is somewhere between 10 and 15. The ones back when I was single, I don't regret any, even the meh ones. The partners since opening up... Most of those I now regret. Because unlike you I usually DO know it's going to be not-that-good, but I felt obligated. Not even obligated to the guy, but somehow obligated to my non-monogamous-ness, to have some certain amount of random sex.

Ugh. Yeah, fuck that.



yup. That's the heart of it. I don't know how Dag will feel, he's had three partners in his life, none overlapping. Not much I can do on that but wait and see.

For me... If I do sleep with others, and it's meh, then... Ok, why? What's the point? Why am I spending a night doing that when I could be getting off 20 times with Dag? But if I find someone who rocks my world... I expect I will feel completely torn and like I have to choose. I get that being non mono means I shouldn't feel that way - but my sexual wiring didn't quite get that message.
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Regarding "How to count?"

Previously I used to only count PIV. (Before my marriage.)

Which means that a few ladies I had sex with, did not end up on my "list" at the time (stupid!) I now cannot remember their last names. That upsets me. One at least I really wish I could find, I wonder what sort of person she grew up to be. *sigh* Oh well.

Since leaving my ex, I know a sexual event when I see one and it need not involve PIV for sure. Like when I say "for me, BDSM isn't about sex necessarily" right? So I might go to the club for a party, and this guy who is crazy talented with floggers might have a go on my backside with 'em, but he's not one of my relationships, so he doesn't have consent to play with my fun bits or even touch me without asking.

I do count oral now. I count the kind of stimulation that, if done right, can lead to orgasm (even if it doesn't...but in theory, that could be the goal.) I'd even count a private session of mutual masturbation as sex. It is a sexual act and a sexual experience.

I think that we all need to form our own ideas on this, though. Everyone does not have to agree on a set of specific and exact criteria.

As to the knowing it will be meh, but doing it out of obligation...

I hate that, MAN do I ever hate that. That feeling in your stomach that you'd just rather not, but it's too late because you've come this far, and so might as well go all the way... I HATE THAT.

Mostly when I pursue a partner though, take the time to talk to each other, talk about sex, talk-talk-talk...I'm thinking about it, and I'm asking myself if it might be really good. I'm imagining, "what if this one is amazing, huh?" I'm getting a sense of curiosity. And by the time I give consent to it, I'm pretty well convinced it might be awesome.

Sucks when you are wound tight as a spring and he turns out to be a disgustingly selfish and lame lover.

Sucks when you're happily surprised at his endowment given his body shape (I am pretty good at size guessing, but I don't really care)...and you figure hey, this is gonna be a great time!...but then for some weird ass reason, you and the dude are like out of synch and discordant together. The rhythm repeatedly fails, neither of you blows the other's mind, and the biggest benefit to the evening's activity was some cardio. :rolleyes:
 
... and the biggest benefit to the evening's activity was some cardio.
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Or worse, you don't even get your cardio!

For me, the most common incompatibility is how long someone wants to spend on sex. I'm not talking about stamina or pounding away forever - I just prefer spending at least an hour doing naked stuff together. Might be lots of foreplay, might be several rounds of piv with breaks to cuddle, might just be lying tangled up and touching each other all over the whole time. But I get soooo disappointed when a guy just wants 5 minutes of oral, 10 minutes of fucking, and then turns on the tv :rolleyes:

Quickies are for when we have dinner reservations in 15 minutes :p I love that Dag and I can spend four or five hours in an aroused haze, alternating sexual play, joking around, and just BEING with each other. I guess I've been spoiled because Andy is like that, too, and I've had a couple exes who were the same way.

I'm blessed (or cursed, lol) with being able to get off pretty easily in a variety of ways, and I've encountered a few dudes with the attitude of," I've done my job making her come, time for me to finish and get some pizza!" But but but ... Can't we just lounge naked and go again? Even if go again is just you getting me off with your hands or something? Or maybe we could just kiss a lot? Something? Anything?

I've asked, and I get the "nah, I'm spent, babe!" And there's the tv remote in his hand. Ugh ugh ugh. I'm not into pushing, someone says they're done or pushes my hand away, I'll leave it, consent and boundaries and such are important. But geez it sucks to think "I drove over here for this?" :cool:
 
Either I'm somehow really good at picking partners that are not as much into just their own pleasure, which I have no idea what I've done to pick them, or I'm just incredibly lucky and have never had a partner that wasn't at least as into my enjoyment as their own. Of course, part of that may be that most of the partners I've had have been after we opened our marriage when I was 35, the youngest person I've had sex with, when I wasn't a teenager myself, was 26. When I was a teenager, I only had PIV sex with my boyfriend who later became my husband, and he has always been more than willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that I feel as good as I can possibly stand to feel (I have multiple orgasms, but they tend to build to an intensity that eventually I can't handle if not built in the right way, which fact I didn't discover until me and my husband pretty much had stopped having sex). The only other sexual partner I had as a teenager I only had oral with and he was incredibly giving also.

My partner total is around what Claire's is and all of those experiences, even the ones I only had one overall encounter with (we maybe had sex more than once, but it was all within the same night/experience) were good and I enjoyed them. There's one that I enjoyed less, but that had more to do with the fact that my husband and I hadn't talked about whether actual PIV was allowed outside our relationship or just anything leading up to it than the experience itself. Hmmm, that makes me wonder if I do have something that I unconciously notice in people I've picked for sexual partners. It's an interesting thought (sorry about hijacking your blog to think about it out loud).
 
Yeah, I hear ya Texla, about the TV remote thing.

That was my ex. Of course to hear him tell it, this was all my fault. Making sex interesting was supposed to be MY job. I mean, that's how porn works, why shouldn't that be how marriage works? :rolleyes:

So, I've mentioned elsewhere that the majority of my count was pre-marriage, teenage shenanigans. I never once even got off with any of those boys. Or the few who were actually men, at that time. 33 prior to the ex-hubs. I wasn't doing sex to get off though...I craved the contact, I think, with the ones I really wanted. And I had no ability to maintain good boundaries with the ones I didn't really want that much. And I also had my "hobby" interest in "breaking virgins" (I was a bad kid, what can I say?)

With the ex though, I did get off, but it was a faint and fleeting, elusive sensation. I describe it as the difference between a tiny butterfly fluttering by (lame) and those huge Japanese drums pounding away through my entire body (awesome)... I thought "OK, well at least I can now get off during sex, too bad it's better when I take care of it myself. Guess I just can't handle the distraction."

I knew nothing, Jon Snow. LOL!

My partners since my ex have been more good experiences than bad ones, but there have been some notable not so greats in there.

I was hooked on the Worm King because it was as you describe, dedicated time of conversation, passionate sex (if only for 20 minutes), equally passionate snuggles, complete with him singing to me, doing bass finger motions into my skin, biting, talking dirty...just wow!...and then another session, and later maybe a third. I didn't necessarily have lots of orgasms, but I had a really, REALLY good time. He stimulated my BRAIN very well.

Had one who was such a sickeningly selfish lover, he finished and I didn't so when I went to take care of it myself, hoping he'd participate or something, he got up, put his pants on, and LEFT THE ROOM. Went out to smoke. Couldn't be bothered to give me 5 minutes of his presence. I think he may have been embarrassed that his magical D didn't get the job done. Ugh.

And my friend the Viking, who I can't explain why we just didn't match up. But the energy wasn't right and I did not repeat that experience. We're still friends, though.

But no one and nothing prepared me for Zen. If the Worm King was a 100 on a scale of 1-10 (something I once told him)...Zen is an infinite concept somewhere way off the chart, that makes numbers look silly...if the Worm King was 100 cups of liquid heaven, Zen is the ocean.

That is not the only factor that has led to me being SO focused on him. But I'm sure it's one of them.
 
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