It's a Texlahoma Story

[KC43]

GFT, I didn't notice whether you got an answer to this...

You asked "Is it possible to be polyamorous but monosexual."

Absolutely! Think about it. Some people--including on these forums--are polyamorous but asexual. No sex at all.

To me... and there's debate and arguments about this, so take this as my own outlook on it and not as fact... Polyamory is a *romantic* orientation for those of us who consider it hardwiring. There are people who are polyamorous and people who are monoamorous. There are people who are heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc. My daughter has a friend who is aromantic; she doesn't experience romantic attraction to anyone at all. While *acting* on any of those things can be a choice to some degree, we don't always choose who--or how many--we fall in love with. And obviously more than one of those can coexist; for example, I'm polyamorous and heteroromantic.

Sex is a different piece of the wiring. People can be, for example, heterosexual but panromantic; sexually, they're only into the opposite sex, but romantically gender is irrelevant. My daughter's friend who I mention above is, as I said, aromantic, but is bisexual. My first boyfriend after Hubby and I opened up was pansexual (and, in his word, polysexual) but monoamorous.

So now that I've been all lecturey, tl/dr: Yes, you can absolutely be polyamorous but monosexual. Having romantic feelings for more than one person doesn't mean you're going to--or have to--have sexual interest in all of them, or even in any of them.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

So now that I've been all lecturey, tl/dr: Yes, you can absolutely be polyamorous but monosexual. Having romantic feelings for more than one person doesn't mean you're going to--or have to--have sexual interest in all of them, or even in any of them.

It's kind of embarrassing, but for most go my life I just blithely assumed everyone saw love and sex the same way I did. That seems crazy to me now.

I have lovey dovey romantic feelings for ... a dozen people, at least. But no sexual feelings for any of them except Andy and Dag.

Even when I have a fleeting sexual attraction to someone, I can easily turn it off, and I'm fine with doing that. But ask me to reign in the love? The weird need to just SQUEEEE over my friend's ears, and her shoes, and that funny thing she said about cats, and ohmygod she's the most amazing person ever... Um yeah. I can't control that shit

When I was in college, a friend of mine fell in love for the first time, and he was trying to explain how he knew he was in love... He said, "She sits. It's amazing. The way she sits. Just the fact of her existence, that she is a person, who sits down sometimes, it blows my mind."

That has always stuck with me. First, because it's a PERFECT description of how ridiculously crazy being in love feels. Second, because I sat there, listening to him, and thought, "Huh. I feel that way about YOU... and half the people in our hall. I think thoughts like that all day, every day, about you and all of our friends." At the time I chalked it up to my doing too many drugs but it hasn't changed now that I'm a boring adult.

Yeah, I'm a love slut

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Things with Dag are good. Great, actually He's ... Different, since we talked. More I love yous. More time together. I don't know if it's because he finally heard me, or because of all the poly research he's been doing, or because I'm finally feeling better about myself and not bringing a ton of negativity to our relationship. Whatever it is, I like it.

OK Cupid, eh, I really need to start paying for the Incognito thing. Oddly it's not the incessant Hey Sexy messages that stress me. It's that I'm getting 2 or 3 long, well-written, funny, interesting messages a day from cute poly guys - and I can't motivate myself to write back. My heart just isn't in dating, I guess. I feel bad putting myself out there as available when, hmmm, maybe I'm not.

I am emailing back and forth with one VERY cool guy. I'll call him Renaissance because he is a true Renaissance man. He has a day job in IT, moonlights as a professional photographer, AND has a business creating fetish gear. I don't know how he finds the time, but he's been writing me AMAZING erotic stories every day. If he wants to meet, I will, because he seems awesome, and his fiancé sounds very cool too. Maybe new friends. Maaaaybe more, but I'm me, so it will take a while to determine that.

But for the most part, with things improving with Dag, I'm just not interested in looking. He hasn't said anything about it except that he hasn't had time to sign up anywhere online yet. I mentioned chatting with Renaissance and he didn't say anything much. Of course we've both had online flirtations before, so not much will change until/unless one of us wants to actually meet somebody.

On a tmi note... I'm pretty hard to wear out in bed. Once I get started, I pretty much just want more, more, more - it's always my partners saying Enough!!! But Dag has started running and working out and... Damn. The boy had insane stamina before. Now he has even more, and he's ready to start again 30 seconds after he comes. It's like fucking a superhero or a robot or something. Not that I'm complaining , I'm just going to have to buy lube for the first time in my life!

 

[Tinwen]

Things with Dag are good. Great, actually He's ... Different, since we talked. More I love yous. More time together. I don't know if it's because he finally heard me, or because of all the poly research he's been doing, or because I'm finally feeling better about myself and not bringing a ton of negativity to our relationship. Whatever it is, I like it.

It must be a great relief for him too to be able to open up and talk instead of hiding his wories and struggles during sleepless nights...

I'm just going to have to buy lube for the first time in my life!

Good for you, girl

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

It must be a great relief for him too to be able to open up and talk instead of hiding his wories and struggles during sleepless nights...

I think so. Dag is really ... I was going to say "going through a mid life crisis" but that makes it sound like a joke. He's just at a point in his life where he's taking stock of things and figuring out what he wants. When we first met, he said he planned to stay married no matter what until his kids were grown. Now, I guess, he's realizing that staying out of a sense of duty isn't the best thing for him OR his family. Plus, his kids are getting older, his special needs kid is doing AMAZING... he's starting to feel like he's already moving out of the "24/7/365 parenting" phase of life. So what's next for him? I don't know, I don't think he does either.

On a completely different note - dudes of okcupid, please stop being creepy.

I really don't care about the guys who are 30% matches telling me I turn them on. It's like spam in your email, delete, delete, delete. But the "nice guys" are starting to get to me. Did I miss an new rule that I owe someone a date just because I replied to their message?

It's like you can't win with these guys. If after two or three boring exchanges, you realize there's nothing there, what do you do? If you just stop replying, they still message twice a day, hey, where'd you go? If you say "sorry don't think we have much in common"... Well now they're pissed. Ugh. It bugs me that I don't have better radar for this, for knowing which guys will get all entitled and mean if you don't want to keep chatting.

Torn between paying up for the hidden profile and just disabling it.

 

[IndieSolo]

On a completely different note - dudes of okcupid, please stop being creepy.

I really don't care about the guys who are 30% matches telling me I turn them on. It's like spam in your email, delete, delete, delete. But the "nice guys" are starting to get to me. Did I miss an new rule that I owe someone a date just because I replied to their message?

It's like you can't win with these guys. If after two or three boring exchanges, you realize there's nothing there, what do you do? If you just stop replying, they still message twice a day, hey, where'd you go? If you say "sorry don't think we have much in common"... Well now they're pissed. Ugh. It bugs me that I don't have better radar for this, for knowing which guys will get all entitled and mean if you don't want to keep chatting.

Torn between paying up for the hidden profile and just disabling it.

What I do is send them a message that says, "Hi, I'm no longer interested because we are not compatible. Good luck! Blocking you now." And then I block the guy and put him in my Hidden Users list. If you block them right away, you'll never see their lame-o retorts, and it gives them a clear message that you're serious and won't be swayed or a target for insults after rejecting them.

 

[KC43]

I mostly don't answer messages at all on OKC (or any of the other sites I'm on). Seems safer that way; I've had some seriously scary responses from guys when I've said "Sorry, not interested." When I read messages, I look for humor and intelligence, and a much milder version of the same "click" I look for when I meet someone in person. If I don't get that, I don't answer. I also go through stages where I don't answer anyone at all because I'm just plain not feeling the "chat-meet-be awkward" thing.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I keep thinking I should just disable the damn profile, because I'm very much not feeling the chat-meet thing, and I haven't replied to anyone in days. But... That guy Renaissance looks every day. And I'm afraid it will look weird if I take it down. Seriously, why why why do I care so much about what other people think

 

[Tinwen]

But... That guy Renaissance looks every day. And I'm afraid it will look weird if I take it down.

Why not just tell him that you are not ready to date/meet after all? He might be somewhat disappointed, but he won't think anything bad about that...

Seriously, why why why do I care so much about what other people think

That's the serious question

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Why not just tell him that you are not ready to date/meet after all? He might be somewhat disappointed, but he won't think anything bad about that...

I actually do want to meet him, because there is a ton of friend potential there, with both him and his fiancé So im worried if I take the profile down, he'll think I'm weird and flaky... Or be creeped out because he thinks I'm like overly attached to HIM and that's why I'm disabling it.

Yeah. Dumb. I think I will just tell him via text or email that I'm sick of okc but would love to keep chatting with him. If it sends him running, oh well.

I do wish I had a thicker skin. A gives-no-fucks attitude. I'm getting better. I used Nycindie's "I'm done chatting, BYE" and block strategy on half a dozen guys last night.

Random - I keep coming across guys who refer to "the lifestyle" or "the LS" in their messages to me. Which I have ALWAYS seen used for swinging. So I say, "oh, you seem really cool, but I'm not into swinging, looking for long term relationships only, good luck" blah blah blah. And what I get back is "me too, I mean the POLY lifestyle".

Is that a thing? Referring to "the LS" when talking about polyamory? Ugh.

 

[Spork]

I actually do want to meet him, because there is a ton of friend potential there, with both him and his fiancé So im worried if I take the profile down, he'll think I'm weird and flaky... Or be creeped out because he thinks I'm like overly attached to HIM and that's why I'm disabling it.

Yeah. Dumb. I think I will just tell him via text or email that I'm sick of okc but would love to keep chatting with him. If it sends him running, oh well.

I do wish I had a thicker skin. A gives-no-fucks attitude. I'm getting better. I used Nycindie's "I'm done chatting, BYE" and block strategy on half a dozen guys last night.

Random - I keep coming across guys who refer to "the lifestyle" or "the LS" in their messages to me. Which I have ALWAYS seen used for swinging. So I say, "oh, you seem really cool, but I'm not into swinging, looking for long term relationships only, good luck" blah blah blah. And what I get back is "me too, I mean the POLY lifestyle".

Is that a thing? Referring to "the LS" when talking about polyamory? Ugh.

First off, you just said exactly what I was going to suggest. If you're comfortable giving Renaissance your other contact info to communicate off of OKC, then just let him know that you're not getting much out of the OKC experience right now, and aren't sure you want to jump all the way into the dating pool at this time, but that talking to him has been the best thing to come of it. That if he is willing to continue forming a friendship, you'd really like to stay in touch, but you're taking your profile down for now.

Every guy who has used dating sites, I think, knows that women get bombarded with messages from thirsty men. Most guys are working one of two angles: "Stand out from the crowd," or "Play the Numbers Game."

I used to get enough entertainment out of the whole thing, that if a man sent me a message that felt "real" and showed some personality and intelligence, I would pretty much always respond. Even when there was no chance I'd date him, I'd respond to thank him for his interest, and politely let him know not only that I didn't think we were a good match but why. One guy was very clear that he was seeking a Mom type to marry and soulmate-up with, and he was a Christian, military, very very mono traditional dude...and I was REALLY not looking for that. Not even a little. He sent me a very nice message and I responded and explained how different our relationship goals were. He said that I should "give him a chance" before I give up on that kind of life. ?? I really, really had to explain that the white picket fence lifestyle was just not anywhere in my life goals, not now, not really ever. I wasn't "giving up" on finding something I had wanted, tried for, and failed to achieve...I really REALLY wanted something quite different. But he seemed nice and I wished him all the luck on his quest.

I find it super bizarre that guys will pursue a woman who just isn't trying to do what they want to do, and isn't into what they're selling. It's like, "well, she's hot enough I'd bang her, so all I've got to do now is convince her to go along with all my plans and do what I want her to." So...dehumanizing, really. Ugh. Gets old.

Towards the end I was just there because I get bored in life sometimes and wanted yet another distraction on my phone to fiddle with. The lame guys I might even play games with...tell them a polite "no thanks" knowing they'll come back with something stupid, which then gave me license to snark at them. I asked a very clean cut guy who wouldn't take a nice no for an answer, if he had dick tattoos or nipple piercings, and to write me haikus about weird sex acts. I was really that bored...

Oh, as for "the lifestyle"... I'd have a very hard time with that. I've heard that used for the leather lifestyle, the BDSM/kink lifestyle, the swinger lifestyle...not as commonly the poly lifestyle. I think these people should really clarify what they mean. And there is a lot of overlap anyways.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I think the word "lifestyle" just bugs me in general. It belongs in a 1970s ad for scotch, or maybe orange carpet. When anyone uses it unironically I just roll my eyes.

I used to get a kick out of okc. I don't know what's different this time, but it just felt like a chore. Wash the dishes, fold the laundry, catch up on okc. Except it was a chore that grew bigger every damn day, because each new interesting message meant another name on the list of people to message daily.

Even Renaissance, I'm kind of just keeping that going because I feel like I SHOULD. He's funny and smart and talented and hot, and only an idiot would blow him off... But honestly I'm more excited about maybe meeting his fiancé someday than I am hanging out with him. She's a pro cosplayer!!!

I just keep telling myself, I don't owe anybody an explanation for not wanting to date. It's my life, I can decide what to do with it, and if I don't want to date right now, everybody can fucking deal.

In case it wasn't obvious from the tone of that response, Andy was totally into the idea of me dating again. Except in his ideal world, my relationships stay super casual and are just about sex. And - no. Do. Not. Want. Andy gets that, intellectually, but... It's like every once in a while I'll say or do something that gets his hopes up that I might be into casual hook ups, and he can't quite hide his enthusiasm.

Of course everyone is cranky right now because it's been 105 every day this week. Ugh Texas summer ugh.

Dag is taking his family on a "stay cation" to a local hotel with an awesome water park this weekend. And then Wednesday, he and I are skipping work to spend a day and night at a more grown up hotel with a very fancy pool of its own. It was so sweet of him to arrange it, especially because he knows I hate true surprises, so he was like, I want to do this with you! But you pick the day!

I kind of wonder if he read something in his poly research about treating partners as equally important I don't care much about "equal treatment" in the sense of getting a hotel pool overnight just because his family gets one. But it means a lot that he's making the effort. And I'm not about to turn down a pool day when it's this freaking hot!

 

[IndieSolo]

Random - I keep coming across guys who refer to "the lifestyle" or "the LS" in their messages to me. Which I have ALWAYS seen used for swinging. So I say, "oh, you seem really cool, but I'm not into swinging, looking for long term relationships only, good luck" blah blah blah. And what I get back is "me too, I mean the POLY lifestyle".

Is that a thing? Referring to "the LS" when talking about polyamory? Ugh.

Hahahaha, yep, it's very annoying to me when people refer to Polaymory as The Lifestyle, instead of just talking about whatever kind of lifestyle they lead, no capital letters. "LS" is supremely phony, I think.

I guess you've never come across this thread here:
What is this "lifestyle" you mention?

I actually do want to meet him, because there is a ton of friend potential there, with both him and his fiancé So im worried if I take the profile down, he'll think I'm weird and flaky... Or be creeped out because he thinks I'm like overly attached to HIM and that's why I'm disabling it.

Yeah. Dumb. I think I will just tell him via text or email that I'm sick of okc but would love to keep chatting with him. If it sends him running, oh well.

I don't see why it would send anyone running. I've had guys tell me they are suspending their accounts but would like to stay in touch, and I've done the same thing. Happens all the time. I just say, "I have too much going on right now to keep checking OKC and want to shut it down for a while. Would enjoy staying in touch with you directly - here's my email: ___." Boom, done.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

That old thread was a fascinating read.

Some replies that resonated with me...

And it will still make no sense. It sounds no different than showing up and asking us about our garblyfunch.

What in hell is a garblyfunch? I don't know, yet I suspect it's involved in this Sooper Sekret Poly Lifestyle people keep asking us about!

When you call something a lifestyle you immediately draw people in to the idea of it being an all encompassing idea. When Poly is simply a relationship style. You love more than one, thats it.

To call it a lifestyle means anyone looking at you, is look at you as an example of polyness, beyond relationships. This is why poly gets attached to hippy/pagan/gamers etc. This becomes a stigma for those of us who are NOT those things.

This also begins to create a poly machine. Beliefs and scripture end up being written and handed out based on ones polyness. Which again shines a light on something that poly is not. It is not a religious movement, it is not a political believe it is not anything. It can be encompassed in those things, but it is not THOSE things specifically.

Poly is my preferred relationship type... not my lifestyle.

The point being made, though, is that while of course how a person chooses to live is a lifestyle, which includes many things, but "a lifestyle" is not necessarily the same as "the lifestyle" as if there is one agreed-upon, mutually predetermined way to be in order to qualify as having that kind of lifestyle.

Someone can say, "I am polyamorous" or "I lead a polyamorous lifestyle," where it still remains open to interpretation and is obviously a choice that person made to incorporate polyamory into their own individual lifestyle -- but it simply assumes too much if that person said, "I live the polyamorous lifestyle." Then, someone would hear that and say, "Oh, what is the polyamorous lifestyle?" or, "Oh, I want the polyamorous lifestyle." And what would they do, model their lives after the person who said it in the first place? Then they wouldn't be creating their own way of living and being polyamorous, and if they run into someone else living polyamorously but in a vastly different way, they could think either that person or themselves are doing it "wrong." So, to say polyamory is a lifestyle to adopt, when it is simply the choice to love more than one, can contribute to erecting barriers and misunderstandings.

I absolutely agree that using "the polyamorous lifestyle" is far worse than "a polyamorous lifestyle". The assumption that all poly people live a certain way is really irritating.

I also need to own that ANYTHING swinger related is a hot button for me. For some reason I can politely decline and/or laugh off dudes who assume poly means I'm down for a plain old one night stand... But any teeny tiny hint that someone thinks I'm into partner swapping or sex parties, and I'm livid I don't quite understand my own reactions on this.

Maybe it's just so foreign to me to think of sex that way, as a sport or a thing to do with random people. I have never had an enjoyable casual sex experience, but I do know people who have. I have friends who will occasionally meet a hot guy at a bar, go home with him, have a great night, and probably never talk to him again. It's not something that would work for me - but I can see how it works for people who maybe don't have as much trouble as I do with letting their walls down or advocating for their wants/needs.

But the sex club thing, or swapping, it just makes me want to curl up in fetal position and hide even thinking about it. Probably doesn't help that even the few folks I know who call themselves swingers are all, "Ewwww! I'd NEVER go to a club! They're skanky!"

I've gotten hints from both Andy and Dag that they'd be interested, and it makes me super uncomfortable. Of course, the irony is that neither guy has ANY interest in participating in that scene. They just think it would be hot to watch me. Ugh. Makes me feel like my sexuality is ... Not mine. Like its there solely for other people's enjoyment, and no one cares about my feelings or desires.

Anyway. Lots of reasons "lifestyle" irks me. And lots of reasons the phrase "the LS" sends me running for the hills.

 

[IndieSolo]

I also need to own that ANYTHING swinger related is a hot button for me. For some reason I can politely decline and/or laugh off dudes who assume poly means I'm down for a plain old one night stand... But any teeny tiny hint that someone thinks I'm into partner swapping or sex parties, and I'm livid I don't quite understand my own reactions on this.

Maybe it's just so foreign to me to think of sex that way, as a sport or a thing to do with random people. I have never had an enjoyable casual sex experience, but I do know people who have. I have friends who will occasionally meet a hot guy at a bar, go home with him, have a great night, and probably never talk to him again.

Funny thing about me is I'm totally fine with casual sex and have had more one-night stands in my lifetme than I can remember BUT I cringe at the idea of dating an ex-swinger. Go figure. On OKC and PMM, I've turned down guys who were interested in me simply because they used to swing. The one ex-swnger I did agree to go out with just freaked me out because all could think of was how many random people he'd fucked, sucked, and whatever. Which is odd because, well, I've been with so-o-ooo many people, I could never count how many. I lost track in the early '90s, it's definitely... A LOT (hey I'm 56, hahaha). I even visited a sex club once to see what it was like (gross). It's a nonsensical prejudice, I know. I have no problem picking a guy up in a bar and taking him to my place to fuck (that is how I met Lively, whom I dated for a year and a half), but swinging is just a total turn-off for me.

 

[IndieSolo]

A quote

Hi GFT! Yesterday, I looked up at the calendar in my kitchen and thought of you, and what you've written about escalator vs. non-escalator relationships and how you want the escalator. This calendar has quotes on every month, meant to inspire, and this is the quote for August:

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
~Anatole France​

This pretty much says how I feel about not wanting to be on an escalator with someone, so I thought I'd share it with you. Honestly, I am really excited about finding it -- have never seen it before and now I feel like I want it to be my "motto" or overall thesis for my relationships! It says to me, if I've got something good going on with someone, we've got this beautiful thing right here, so why worry about where it's going? I guess I just thought it might offer some insight into why some of us don't want the escalator. What do you think of it?

 

[WhatHappened]

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
~Anatole France​

From a Walking Dead fan...sometimes the path leads to Terminus. It's vitally important to know where a path is taking us.

 

[Magdlyn]

From a Walking Dead fan...sometimes the path leads to Terminus. It's vitally important to know where a path is taking us.

We aren't living in the apocalypse.

Life is a journey, not a destination. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sex/swing clubs ick me out too. And I love sex, and I love kink, but a big room full of strangers fucking just sounds empty and sad to me. I went to a kink-sex club once. I don't know if it was an off night, but seeing it just confirmed my opinion. It seemed joyless and lacking soul. That particular club on that night had attractive exhibitionists, and average looking voyeurs who seemed too shy or insecure to participate. The lookers far outnumbered the actual players.

However, a kink con which doesn't involve group sex going on everywhere is fun! I've been to several of those.

 

[WhatHappened]

We aren't living in the apocalypse.

Life is a journey, not a destination. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

There we go. As long as we're not living in an apocalypse, nothing could possibly go wrong, by simply shutting our eyes and refusing to consider where our choices might take us.

I'm in full agreement with Ralph Waldo Emerson on that point, but most people have at least some vague plan or preparation for their journey. Some idea what they might want out of it, and some idea of how to achieve what it is they want.

Most people would like to know if a road is flooded out ahead, for instance, so they can find a better route. Most people would like to know if an airline crashes 95% of its flights, so they can choose a safer airline.

As with everything in life, there must be balance. Sure, we can enjoy the journey and realize we don't have to have control of everything. But it would be foolish to never consider the potential consequences of our choices.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Hi GFT! Yesterday, I looked up at the calendar in my kitchen and thought of you, and what you've written about escalator vs. non-escalator relationships and how you want the escalator. This calendar has quotes on every month, meant to inspire, and this is the quote for August:

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
~Anatole France​

This pretty much says how I feel about not wanting to be on an escalator with someone, so I thought I'd share it with you. Honestly, I am really excited about finding it -- have never seen it before and now I feel like I want it to be my "motto" or overall thesis for my relationships! It says to me, if I've got something good going on with someone, we've got this beautiful thing right here, so why worry about where it's going? I guess I just thought it might offer some insight into why some of us don't want the escalator. What do you think of it?

From a Walking Dead fan...sometimes the path leads to Terminus. It's vitally important to know where a path is taking us.

I had almost the exact same reaction as WhatHappened - my first thought was, but what if the path leads you straight off a cliff ???

I mean, the answer is that you keep your eyes open and turn the fuck around when you see the cliff up ahead But I do prefer to know, generally, where things are going and how they will end. Like I even have Andy or Dag pre-watch movies for me to make sure there aren't parts I won't like

On the swinging thing... What Magdlyn said! The idea of sex without any emotion or connection just seems icky and pointless to me.

In a random one night stand, you might not have a real connection... But you *could*. I'm not good at being vulnerable and connecting with new people, so yeah, the connected feeling never happens for me if I have sex soon after meeting someone. But my friends who are more open and unreserved, they can get that emotional something or other with a guy they've met that night. So... Not for me, but doesn't wig me out.

And when I read about kink-centric clubs, it sounds like people have deep emotional connections with their play partners there. Again, maybe not always, but it's not "against the rules".

The idea of deliberately trying to remove the soul and heart and love from sex, that's the part of swinging that just makes me wince. Sex without any feeling is just awful for me, like numb and waiting for it to end awful. The thought of deliberately putting myself in that situation? No way in hell.