Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

redpepper said:
Hey, LovingRadiance, thanks for sharing how healing happens, as it offers well-earned knowledge and wisdom to others in need.

It is hard to 'fess up to cheating. I too did it and am still embarrassed and ashamed. What continued was my guilt about being in love with others, and the guilt continued because I had the potential to do it again, because I couldn't act on that love. No problem, now that I am poly. I can fully accept and feel no guilt because of my understanding of myself in the context of poly.
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I don't have an issue with acknowledging where I went wrong. I know I was wrong. I did feel somewhat stupid when I found the term polyamory, because I thought, "GOD, NO WONDER I'VE BEEN A FUCK-UP IN RELATIONSHIPS." I always have felt love for more than one person at a time, AND I am bi. But now that Maca and I are on the same page with one another, I feel more real than I have my whole life.
 
Um, this is a public forum, not a poly group. We all need to remember that we are on here to give our opinion and to do with information what we will. It's not about judging each other. If anyone is feeling judged, then I suggest you are investing too much emotion in this.

I gotta say that I resent that I put my time and energy into this forum, and then am thought of as "judging." That really frustrates me. If people don't want an opinion from me or anyone else on here, then I suggest you don't tell us your story.

We aren't here to be nice to each other always. We can get that from those close to us in our lives. I've said it before, it's kind of like driving in traffic. We have our opinion on how people should drive, but they never hear us when we are talking about it in our car as we watch them. On here, you hear us. End of story.

Enough said. I just spent all day on this thread and feel like I wasted my time. I'm not spending all night, too. Besides, I am ready to spend time with Mono now. :mad:
 
Gee, RP, I sure hope that wasn't in response to my reply to you! I appreciated your kindness and was just acknowledging that I don't have an issue admitting I fucked up by cheating. I sure hope I missed something, because I didn't think you were being judgmental and wasn't upset with you.

Have fun with Mono. :)
 
Thank you, LovingRadiance. It was no particular person, really.

I have VERY strong feelings about cheating, as you can see, and very firm beliefs. Those beliefs come from hard-earned experience and on the misfortunes of others.

I am always willing to sway my opinion, and although I am a hard-ass about certain things, I am open to hearing both sides of the coin. PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG IN THIS! I just cannot see any positives to cheating AT ALL. There is always a better alternative, in my opinion.

I guess I just find it hard to swallow that someone would say that I am judging when they are obviously judging me by even saying that. I'm not stupid. I know that there is far more going on in people's lives than we read on here. I know this because there is far more going on in my life than what is said on here.

Please don't assume that if you read stuff on a forum that people say that you know them. You know one small portion of their life and that IS IT. When I write on here, it is to that portion of their life that I have an opinion on, not of them as people. I don't know them, they don't know me. If I want to get to know them, or them me, then I invest the time elsewhere, not on here. I have started some good friendships on this forum, and I can say that they started when we talked away from here, not necessarily on here. Perspective on these things would be appreciated.
 
redpepper said:
Thank you, LR, it was no particular person.

I am always willing to sway my opinion, and although I am a hard-ass about certain things, I am open to hearing both sides of the coin. PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG IN THIS! I just can not see any positives to cheating AT ALL.

I just find it hard to swallow that someone would say that I am judging when they are obviously judging me by even saying that. I'm not stupid, I know that there is far more going on in peoples lives than we read on here. I know this because there is far more going on in my life than what is said on here.

Please don't assume that if you read stuff on a forum that people say that you know them. You know one small portion of their life and that IS IT. When I write on here it is to that portion of their life that I have an opinion, not of them as people. I don't know them, they don't know me. If I want to get to know them or them me then I invest the time elsewhere, not on here. I have started some good friendships on this forum and I can say that they started when we talked away from here, not necessarily on here. Perspective on these things would be appreciated.
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I agree. I talked on another forum for three years. I made a few friends who I spoke with outside of that forum, but the truth is that it would be impossible to "know" one another in full, strictly from what is shared on here!

I just noted that your message was directly after mine and didn't seem to fit in context to what I was saying. At any rate, I understand what you are saying.
 
Cheaters posing as polys... ARG!!!

***---- Begin Rant ---***

Hey Everyone,

My wife and I have accounts on OKC and you will not believe how many guys message her claiming to be poly, but "don't want their wife to know." I mean, come on! Why don't they just come out and say, "Uhm, I am really trying to cheat on my spouse by faking a polyamorous relationship"?

One guy, after asking him questions, stated that he was afraid his wife would divorce him if she found out. So we asked him how his communication was with his wife. He stated, "Not so great, we never talk." Hence we asked, "So how can you be poly?" The guy was dumbfounded! After a few more questions, he admitted he was in a loveless marriage with two kids and was just looking for a casual hookup!!! The underlying message-- he was attempting to cheat on his wife under the guise of being poly! Arg, how frustrating!

Sorry, but I just had to blow off some steam to people who would understand.

Just, arg!!!

***---- End Rant ---***
 
I think there's a lot of mininformation about what polyamory actually is or means (says the woman who has been on the site a whole three days).

I believe it can serve as a 'convenient' word to use instead of saying 'married-but-looking' or 'married-but-want-to-bed-other-people.' Whereas those people who truly *are* poly can see how ridiculous that is, because the whole basis of the poly relationship is one established on openness and mutual understanding, trust, and care for the needs and wants of everyone in the relationship. Someone outside of that understanding just sees a handy word and uses it, not caring to know what it actually means.

I can understand your frustration, though!! :eek: Kinda like being sold a box of cookies, opening the box and finding it's empty. Meanwhile, the jerk who sold you it is going, "Yay! Profit!" and meanwhile his wife is at home trying to figure out where in the hell all her damned cookies went.
 
Yes, that is a everyday occurrence on any dating site. It becomes almost like a right of passage. :D If you are not one to be easily manipulated, or to fall into the sack quickly, then those types don't ever get far. I take a long time to get to know people, so the dumbasses I can see right through, and the ones smart enough to say all the right lines tend to get impatient and move on. :rolleyes:
 
Is no one amazed at her investigation? hahaha Kudos to you for actually asking the guy questions and prying information out of him. I kind of wish I was there. It sounds hilarious!
 
Keeping in mind, of course, the poly people don't have to be great communicators. As Ciel points out, there are some working poly relationships that don't fall in line with what is an "ideal," but they still work.

I didn't notice that, actually, but way to drag the info out kicking and screaming. Poly is more gentle to explain than swinging, more gentle than cheating. If you search for poly on OKC, everyone seems to be doing it. Look up swingers or swinging, it it shocking how few people mention it. One is still taboo, while the other is OKC-acceptable.

I point this out to a good friend often. All the dick-headish behaviour by men is learned at some point. It works on some, which is why they continue. Don't blame the player, blame the game, comes to mind here. If women started refusing the sleazy cheater sex, they would have to change their stripes and tactics. But it must work. And if it works, what's the motivation to stop?
 
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One would think that the "Don't want the wife to know" stuff would be a major clue that the guy is simply looking to cheat. Sheesh!

When I have an OKC account, I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife. That's an extension of my decision to have anybody I meet in meatspace to go chat with my wife early on. I do that to avoid any instances where somebody might think my marriage is in trouble and they can pretend to be poly whilst luring me away (the cowgirl scenario). A couple have disappeared without chatting with my wife, which reinforces my notion that it's a good policy for me to have.
 
I can't stand the "I'm poly but my wife/husband doesn't know" thing too! I also hate this one: "My partner and I are poly, but he/she doesn't have to know about us being together or that we are fucking." Argh!!!! Unless you and your partner have a "don't ask don't tell" policy or a "do whatever or whomever you like, as long as you come home to me" kinda policy, then well... ummm.... why the secret? Argh!!!!!

AutumnalTone, I LOVE the idea of having those interested in you speaking with your significant other! Awesome! That IS a great way to both establish "I'm not cheating," and a way to get rid of those pesky cowfolk! I'll have to remember that one! Thanks!
 
Well, I'm thinking that if "he/she doesn't have to know," then the person saying that isn't actually doing poly--they may have an open relationship, though I'm always suspicious.
 
There seems to be an insane amount of educating to do, doesn't there?

I just had someone come into my life that thought my being poly would mean that Nerdist and I could possibly enhance their marriage, as they have a good thing going, and thought that I would want back into that, with her involved, instead of just him. I'm pretty sure they thought that my poly was just about enhancing my marriage with other people, and that love was not accounted for, it was a gesture of good "friendship." They have an open relationship, by the sound of it, and thought it was the same thing.

I have run across "poly folk" really not being poly, but more "open" before, and got hurt when I was told that I had to suck up my emotions because love is just stupid. It just goes on and on. Really, I am surprised that anyone gets together at all!
 
Matilda said:
I believe it can serve as a 'convenient' word to use instead of saying 'married-but-looking' or 'married-but-want-to-bed-other-people'...
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You have a good heart, Matilda, but I think you're being too generous. I think they're just trying to cheat. It could be that they've heard of poly as being non-monogamous, and they figure any kind of non-monogamy is the same, so they figure they are poly too. But I don't think so, I think they're intentionally misleading.

AutumnalTone said:
I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife.
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Obviously, you and your wife have arranged this, and she's fine with it. I wouldn't be, personally, simply as a matter of inconvenience. But then, considering how many of these women turn down the offer, I'm guessing it's not much of an issue.
 
The man who introduced me to poly was a bit like this, in my experience, anyway. I fell in love with all the philosophies of poly he introduced me to. Clear, respectful communication. He described scenarios of wanting to kiss another woman, but phoning first to check in. I was allowed to ask to meet her first, etc. All of his words seemed so respectful, and the way poly was introduced on "paper" seemed like it held so much integrity and mature communication.

However, his actions were more what was described in this thread. It became apparent after several weeks, to me anyway, that actually, he really loved the attention from women, and loved feeling powerful and popular. He particularly seemed to like showing off a) the size of his penis (seriously) and b) his ability to get other men's girlfriends/wives to want him.

His "poly" seemed to involve a fair bit of cheating with attached women.

And when he did check in with me about other women, the description he gave of what he wanted to do with her included how badly he wanted to sleep with her, and he'd give me detailed descriptions of what he wanted to do to her. She had a boyfriend and he would flirt/play fight with her in a very sexual way in front of him. It was such a power game. He would make comments about how he was surprised her boyfriend wasn't jealous of him.

A few scenarios came up involving similar circumstances, basically, him expressing his prowess by bedding an unhappily-married woman and giving her "what the husband couldn't." Or, competing with men by bragging that their girlfriends were inevitably going to sleep with him.

I found it completely disgusting!
 
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redpepper said:
It just goes on and on. Really, I am surprised that anyone gets together at all!
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Yup, I know how you feel. I'm pleasantly surprised when people do get together and have healthy relationships.
 
rolypoly said:
The man who introduced me to poly was a bit like this, in my experience anyway. I fell in love with all the philosophies of poly he introduced me to. Clear, respectful communication. He described scenarios of wanting to kiss another woman, but phoning first to check in. I was allowed to ask to meet her first, etc. All of his words seemed so respectful and the way poly was introduced on "paper" seemed like it held so much integrity and mature communication.

However, his actions were more what was described in this thread. It became apparent after several weeks, to me anyway, that actually, he really loved the attention from women and loved feeling powerful and popular. He particularly seemed to like showing off a) the size of his penis (seriously) and b) his ability to get other men's girlfriends/wives to want him.

I found it completely disgusting!
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After being introduced to poly this way, what made you realize there was something better out there? Did you end this relationship and then go looking for what you really wanted?
 
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SchrodingersCat said:
Obviously you and your wife have arranged this and she's fine with it. I wouldn't be, personally, simply as a matter of inconvenience. But then, considering how many of these women turn down the offer, I'm guessing it's not much of an issue.
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It's not a hard and fast rule, it's simply something I much prefer to have happen. I'm actually more interested in seeing how they handle the request. If they exhibit any signs of not wanting to be open about a connection with me, then I'm not likely to pursue the relationship any further. Even if they don't contact her, and continue to communicate with me in a way that shows they recognize and respect my relationship with my wife, then I'm OK with things. In short: avoidance behavior warns me off and acceptance behavior keeps me involved.

The women who don't contact her sometimes just don't maintain continued contact with me. Others have not contacted her and then exhibited avoidance behavior in subsequent contact.

On the other hand, most will at least send a her message to say hello and acknowledge that they're chatting with me, which is quite enough to weed out the cowgirls.
 
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