I want non-monogamy and he doesn't

[CherokeeRose]

Hi!

I'm running into some challenges in my relationship and was hoping for some suggestions. I've been in an open relationship for about 4 years (together for 6). Many ups and downs. I would say some of our experiences have been more in the Poly world, some just in a non-monogamous, relationship by relationship kind of world.

After being pretty much non-monogamous in a mostly dishonest way for most of my life, this is the first time I've really worked on it and had an honest experience of it. I've found that at least for now (and it's seems the foreseeable future) this is what I want. I'm very much in love with and committed to my partner and would like to have a baby with him and get married. But over these years he has come to the conclusion that non-monogamy may not be for him.

So, we are at a checkmate. Neither wants to leave the relationship and neither is really getting what we want. He is unhappy most of the time I spend time with someone else and I'm unhappy that I have to hold back and limit that part of my life. And we both want the other to have a rich and fulfilling life. Lots of love and care for each other.

So far we have been talking a lot and continuing to just wait and see. This may ultimately be the best thing to keep doing, but I thought some of you may have suggestions. Any thoughts on good ways to move forward?

***Please note, I'm very fond monogamy and respect those who consciously choose it. It's just not for me.

Thanks so much!

Warmly-

J

 

[PurpleSun]

It sounds to me like this is an issue of basic lack of compatibility. You have to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for one or both of you.

It sounds like it might be. If you continue along this path, it will only lead to a resentful, unhappy relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, love isn't everything. It's possible to love someone very much, but be a bad match as life partners.

You probably don't want to start a baby with this guy unless you're ready to shunt the child in between two households.

You can keep loving him while admitting you have different love styles, and move on to separate for both your benefits. (I did it at age 54 after 30 years of marriage and 3 kids. The last 10 years of our relationship were pure torture.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hi CherokeeRose,

You could of course continue to talk a lot and just wait and see, for now. Just keep in mind that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is set the other person free. Such will be the case if your partner doesn't warm up nonmonogamy, and your heart stays set on nonmonogamy.

I would keep the marriage/baby prospects on hold until you get this nonmonogamy thing worked out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

So, we are at a checkmate. Neither wants to leave the relationship and neither is really getting what we want. He is unhappy most of the time I spend time with someone else and I'm unhappy that I have to hold back and limit that part of my life. And we both want the other to have a rich and fulfilling life. Lots of love and care for each other

Any thoughts on good ways to move forward?

I think you could become willing to change the relationship shape. "lovers and marriage" shape isn't going to work here. You are at an impasse. Could change it to "Friends with Deep History." That shape meets all the things:

• Neither has to stop relating with the other. You can still care about each other deeply.
• Both can move on to what they really want romantically and lead rich fulfilling lives
• Both can stop being unhappy.

Cannot "wait and see" forever. You only get the one life. This is not a dress rehearsal. If you ARE going to "wait and see" put a time limit on it. X weeks or months. Then agree that if it is still a checkmate at the end of that time you will change to friends and part ways romantically.

Galagirl

 

[Savant]

He is unhappy most of the time I spend time with someone else and I'm unhappy that I have to hold back and limit that part of my life.

I'm curious... You talk about the time you spend with others, but does *he* have any other partners? Or is this a mono/poly relationship? If it's the latter, that is likely a big part of the problem.