Expectations vs. Wants & Needs Etc.

C

confused88

New member
My partner and I have very different "Love Languages", I am big on Words of Affirmation and Gifts, and he is more prone to Acts of Service and Quality Time. We have both taken the Love Language tests a few times and so we know we have those differences. My issue is feeling like I'm not receiving love in the way in which I would like, but is that just me being petty? I know he loves me, and I know he is a Very different person than I am (not great with the written word or prone to confessing his feelings out of the blue).

I guess I have always enjoyed being whispered sweet nothings to, written love notes, etc. and I don't get that much with him anymore. We've been together 4+ years and in the beginning there was more of that stuff, but also less time together. Now we live together and see each other every day so Words of Affirmation have suffered a lot.

I worry that once he starts having other partners (we are open but he is just starting to date) that I will notice this Lack of my Love Language even more.

For example, I asked him to plan us a romantic dinner. He did, and it was a great location with a nice atmosphere and great food. He told me my hair looked nice, but that was pretty much the only "romantic thing" he said to me all night minus I Love You which we say a lot.

Is it greedy of me to be dissapointed in the lack of romance ? I thought he'd tell me how happy he is to have me in his life, how much he loves me, how I light up his life etc etc etc. So when it was basically just another dinner, I was kinda bummed out. But what do I say ? You're not being romantic enough ? You need to tell me sweet things all night ? I tried to say some nice things to get the ball rolling, about how I was enjoying our time together etc, but then I just got a "me too".

Sometimes I don't know if he just doesn't think those thoughts, and that's why they don't come out of his mouth. Or if he just will always express his love in practical and "logical" ways.

How do I go about either trying harder to getting my needs met, or just figuring out that he'll never be that guy so I stop feeling upset over his lack of positive communication and affirmation of his feelings.
 
If your relationship has some cracks and you are not 150% solid in your relation, I would not suggest opening your relationship.

Polyamory is like throwing a flashlight in an opaque vase in a dark room. You are going to see every crack and flaw. Magnified and there is no way to ignore it.
 
Hi confused88,

I actually would advise you to sit down with your partner, tell him what you want, and be specific. If you miss the written love notes, tell him that. If there's certain things you wish he'd say to you, tell him what those are. You have to trust him and believe that he wouldn't do anything if he didn't mean it. Just because he does it at your request, doesn't mean he's faking it. You have different love languages, so he is going to need your help and guidance in meeting your wants/needs.

That's my take anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you're not getting what you need now from your partner, it definitely isn't going to suddenly materialize, and definitely not while he is experiencing NRE with a new partner! Being open is going to shine big spotlights on what you are missing. It won't be pretty.

Absolutely tell him now exactly what you need. Kevin is right - the fact that he doesn't think of this himself doesn't mean he isn't sincere.
 
OP, are you making an effort to express your love using *his* Love Language?

I think that the book about Love Languages is meant to spur discuussion on how best you both can make efforts to appeal to each other's Love Languages. It isn't enough to just know what they are - you both should sit down and talk about what this information means to each of you, where things fall short, and where things are great. Otherwise, without such a discussion, why even bother learning what your Love Language is?
 
Thanks all ! I agree that talking to him would be best, we have talked about this specific issue in the past so sometime I feel like I'm nagging if I bring it up again. When we have discussed it before he says in the past he wrote notes and told me more "sweet nothings" because that's all he could give me (he didn't have much time or money when we started dating). Now that he is doing well financially and we live together he shows his love by helping me with things around the house, helping pay for things, and spending lots of time together, etc.

We have talked about me missing the other expressions of love, but it doesn't seem to make an appearance for long.

And yes I think I do try to express my love to him in *his* love language, he says things like "I'm happy just spending time with you, even if we're just watching tv". So I make sure he is a major priority in where I spend my time. I also cook for him, show affection and tell him I appreciate him and give him compliments.

I know he loves me, and I know we are different in how we express things. Honestly I think part of it is the major input of social media. With seeing other couples express their undying love for each other on a daily basis, it does kind of get into you head. Like "why don't I have that".

I try to remind myself that he won't ever be That Guy, but also to let him know that Words of Affirmation mean a lot to me.

I really appreciate everyone's input, sometimes we get so in our head about things it's hard to make sense of it.
 
I think I understand. And I don't think it's necessarily bad to nag him a little. He probably has a hard time wrapping his mind around your love languages.
 
Honestly I think part of it is the major input of social media. With seeing other couples express their undying love for each other on a daily basis, it does kind of get into you head. Like "why don't I have that".
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Oh! This is the worst! Don't compare - that is a sure way to foster unhappiness.

I had a friend send me a DM once, telling me how jealous she was to see the beautiful bouquets that my husbands brought me every pay period. I always posted the photos. She was sad because her husband never buys her flowers!

I had to remind her, that my husbands bought them because I TOLD them too. I like pretty flowers, and those are the only gifts I usually let them get for me, because I have attachment issues. I need them as a reassurance. They're actually a visible sign of my disfunction. They aren't just buying them because they think - let me spoil my wife! - it's, she needs these to feel secure, so it's in the monthly budget. My friend could have easily had the same flowers - she just wanted her husband to have a different love language, where he would think on his own to get her these, which she wrongly assumed my guys had. Nope, I told them to do it.

So she could easily have done the same thing. She said she didn't need them often, just wished he would think of it on his own. I told her to dump that dream and instead just text him that she wanted flowers and to please pick out something on the way home that he thought she might like. That way, he still has input and she gets the boost she needs. Waiting and waiting - he is not going to turn into a mind reader, while she gets sadder.

Anyway, what you see on Facebook isn't the entire story!
 
I am sorry this has been bothering you.

For example, I asked him to plan us a romantic dinner. He did, and it was a great location with a nice atmosphere and great food. He told me my hair looked nice, but that was pretty much the only "romantic thing" he said to me all night minus I Love You which we say a lot.
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Sounds like he met the mission then. Romantic dinner was had.

I thought he'd tell me how happy he is to have me in his life, how much he loves me, how I light up his life etc etc etc. So when it was basically just another dinner, I was kinda bummed out.
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To you it might automatically come as part of the romantic dinner and what helps make it more romantic for you. To me that is "Romantic dinner with a lot of sweet talk in my ear" and different than just "romantic dinner."

Is he one of those persons who is very literal and needs things clearly spelled out? If so, you might want to spell out what you would like more clearly.

You can have input on the method and how he's supposed to do a thing, and then let the outcome be what it is and be content for the effort.

Or you can have input on the outcome and how it is supposed to turn out, and then let the method be however it is he picks. Then be content with the attempt to hit the mark.

But trying to have input on the method AND the outcome... that leads to problems. Few people like to be micromanaged, and then it's more like playing out an already scripted movie in your head rather than their contributing something of their own to the experience. YKWIM?

I agree that talking to him would be best, we have talked about this specific issue in the past so sometime I feel like I'm nagging if I bring it up again.

Could not talk about it. Just move on to "Doing" something about it. Praise him for the romantic dinner without telling him the bits you wanted and did not get. Focus on the good things you DID get. Then next time when you make a request, add more details like wanting to hear some sweet talk in your ear.
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Maybe view it like a work in progress.

I think finding a balance between understanding he won't ever be That Guy with loads of sweet talk but still asking for Words of Affirmation is a good plan.

Hope things improve for you.

Galagirl
 
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confused88 said:
With seeing other couples express their undying love for each other on a daily basis, it does kind of get into you head. Like "why don't I have that".
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Besides not comparing, don't believe everything you hear. Perhaps it's a matter of experience but I've seen plenty of "deliriously happy couples" who were completely miserable under the hood. But they kept up a beautiful facade and we were all "so shocked" when they got divorced.

Life is not facebook. Comparing is the thief of joy.
 
I also need a lot of words of affirmation.

Sometimes I ask for live letters, because I can read them over and over. Would that work for you?
 
Thanks for the input. I agree that comparing to other people (especially on social media) is a recipe for disaster. I think sometimes the idea I have in my head of romance and love is a LOT different then what things look like in the real world.

I am making an active effort to truly be thankful for all the things I have in my life. Including someone who loves me a lot and tries to make me happy, even if my expectations of him are clearly high. It is hard not to back-slide into negative thoughts, but I think a lot of that is unhappiness from other areas of my life (mainly work) seeping into my relationship.

No one is perfect, and I am the first one to admit that my partner does things that get under my skin. But he is an extremely kind hearted and loving person. He treats my family as his own, he puts in effort and time and does his best to always be there for me.

And Yes dancepants I think that is a great idea ! :D
 
Bluebird said:
I had to remind her, that my husbands bought them because I TOLD them too. I like pretty flowers, and those are the only gifts I usually let them get for me, because I have attachment issues. I need them as a reassurance. They're actually a visible sign of my disfunction. They aren't just buying them because they think - let me spoil my wife! - it's, she needs these to feel secure, so it's in the monthly budget.
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Bluebird I can TOTALLY relate to this ! I don't care if my bf literally puts things on his to-do list like "tell gf she looks beautiful when we go out" as long as they happen. lol. Thanks for your insight here, glad to know I'm not the only one :D
 
Wow! I wish I didn't have a script in the back of my head that says "it doesn't count if they don't do things spontaneously / without me prompting them", to the point where I actively don't want to tell partners I want/need things because I don't want them to do things they don't want to do. Life would be SO much simpler.
 
I have not read up on this but I suspect that the "Love means someone knowing exactly what I want/need" Goes back to when we were very small. "I feel unhappy, I'm uncomfortable!....Yay! A big person changed my wet things and fed me and snuggled me! They knew everything I wanted!"

Something that far back is maybe harder to unprogram from our minds. It is lovely and magical when our partners can come to know our needs well enough to be so in tune. In reality that takes time and communication as we don't just need our nappies changed and a warm bottle of milk any more.

Leetah
 
icesong said:
"it doesn't count if they don't do things spontaneously / without me prompting them".
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Ha ha! That was my first wife to a tee! Went to counseling and we planned on having a daily 30 minute focused talk for us to work on our communication. She wouldn't do it because "it doesn't count if it's not spontaneous."

That was her reason for resisting virtually all our counseling exercises.
 
I think that is part of the bullshit we are taught about love and relationships - that your perfect partner/"soulmate" is someone so in tune with us that they should automatically know how to make us happy so that we never lacking or have to ask for anything.

I think it is especially fed to young girls growing up because we are taught that there will be a knight in shining armor to come along, be everything we need, and take care of us, like an all-knowing father figure who knows best for us - and once he finds us, we belong to him, you know. Add that to the long-held belief that women shouldn't be too assertive or forceful, so even asking for what we want was seen as demanding and bitchy (I am always shocked whenever I meet a woman in this day and age who won't give me a strong handshake - yes, there are still women out there who actually believe that a woman should never offer more than a dead fish handshake or should only grab the fingers and wag them weakly, because we're not supposed to be too strong! Seriously!). Women aren't supposed to be sexual beings, either, and only slutty ones ask for sex. It's so ingrained in Western culture and passed down to each generation. We learn by observing, and when we see the women around us making light of their needs, making themselves small to fit other people's pictures of who we're supposed to be, being the strong ones who never complain... I could go on and on, but yeah, it all leads to the fantasy that the perfect lover knows what we need and want without needing to be told. Bleccch!
 
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nycindie said:
Women aren't supposed to be sexual beings, either, and only slutty ones ask for sex. It's so ingrained in Western culture and passed down to each generation. We learn by observing, and when we see the women around us making light of their needs, making themselves small to fit other people's pictures of who we're supposed to be, being the strong ones who never complain...
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I think that this is ingrained in ALL cultures. Current ones, anyway. A girl/woman is bombarded with messages that she should be sexually desirable at all times, but "too much" is dangerous to her or makes her dangerous to others. Emphasis is on how we are perceived and not at all on how we feel or on what we genuinely want. So it makes sense that many of us are uncomfortable making our desires known and have to re-learn in order to have truly fulfilling romantic lives.
 
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