Poor little mono

Gidget

Gidget

New member
Hey all!

I'm mono. Always have been. I'm currently madly in love with an awesome poly guy and our relationship is the best, healthiest, sexiest, most fun one I've had in .... well, ever.

So, I am amused by my friends (who know he's poly) that say "aww, I'm so sorry. That sucks." Or "I just wish he would stop looking and commit to you!" and the idea that me being "less than" is why he is poly. Funny how no one assumes the reason I'm mono is because he is some superstar lover and man leaving me unable to handle having others. (Ok.... He actually IS a rockstar lover and man, but that's not why I'm mono, lol)

Dino was poly long before me and his ability to love like he does is one of the many reasons I adore him. The others in his life have nothing to do with me. I am not missing out on anything and feel quite lucky in all of this.

Am I the only "poor little mono", or have others experienced this, too?
 
Hi Gidget,

Friends often don't understand because society isn't ready to accept polyamory. People just assume the worst when they hear about it. Hopefully someday that will change, but for now we have to put up with the inappropriate sympathy.

My regards,
Kevin T.
 
Yup. I've had all sorts of conversations, from, "You should find another BF too so you can have more than just half a relationship," to, "he's disrespecting you," to, "is he REALLY that good in bed?! You deserve better."

Ugh.

Fist bump to you. I've heard it before, I've asked for my friends to stop saying it and to stop relaying other peoples' opinions to me, and I'm done being the "victim" - it's my choice to be here; I'm not being manipulated.
 
Thanks for the support and fist bump!

I'm pretty new to being in an actively poly relationship, but I've been "poly-adjacent" for years and never thought of my poly friends as being less-than or missing out.

One thing I like is that, in defending myself to my doubting friends, I become clearer in what this is for me and why it works. I see that a lot of what they throw at me is their own fear and insecurity.
 
When I first came out as poly, my husband DarkKnight got tons of "aww poor guy" as if this was something I was subjecting him to, and not something he actively encouraged me to explore.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, WarMan, one of PunkRock's best friends pulled me aside to tell me that I now had the opportunity to go mono with him and that he deserved that. (Never mind my other husband, lol.)
 
Bluebird said:
When I first came out as poly, my husband DarkKnight got tons of "aww poor guy" as if this was something I was subjecting him to, and not something he actively encouraged me to explore.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, WarMan, one of PunkRock's best friends pulled me aside to tell me that I now had the opportunity to go mono with him and that he deserved that. (Never mind my other husband, lol.)
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Bluebird - People are funny, aren't they? I started reading your back story and journal. Good stuff there! ❤️
 
Haha, do you have days and days to read all of that?! :) I've been journaling too long. :) Sometimes I go back and re-read parts and I'm all like, holy crap, I write too much! Hopefully it's interesting enough and somewhat helpful.
 
I've been a "happy secondary" many times over the years, & much of that was with only the one intimate.

Sometimes you get the "awww, poor baby!" thing, but sometimes you get the pinheads who color you as trying to break up a happy dyad... even if they've been openly poly for years. :rolleyes:

Maybe we need to set up a Happy Secondaries social group for people who are (or have been) there. :)
 
I am poly, but I once dated a young man for over 2 years who had no other partners besides me. He had a busy life. He was in school and working very hard at his studies, with a part time job as well. He just didn't need any other partners! He didn't have time to invest in a "real girlfriend." He didn't want an immature needy demanding girl his own age. He appreciated my maturity. He needed his space.

There are a hundred reasons a busy mono person can be content and fulfilled with a poly partner. Sometimes being the mono partner of a poly person is just the ticket. Not everyone wants the traditional "relationship escalator." But if there ever comes a day when a mono does want a mono partner of her own, of course she can go get one.

Mainstream people don't get this.
 
Magdlyn said:
There are a hundred reasons a busy mono person can be content and fulfilled with a poly partner. Sometimes being the mono partner of a poly person is just the ticket. Not everyone wants the traditional "relationship escalator." But if there ever comes a day when a mono does want a mono partner of her own, of course she can go get one.

Mainstream people don't get this.
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Exactly! Yes! This works for us and the only people who have to get it are us.
I joke that I'm the only one he doesn't have to share. lol I've met his other partners and like them. We all get along well. He's solo poly and there's no hierarchy. I live in another town, so only get to see him about once a week. The others are local but have their own stuff, too, and so far the scheduling works well.

It's a win/win (or win/win/win, I suppose)
 
Gidget said:
Thanks for the support and fist bump!

I'm pretty new to being in an actively poly relationship, but I've been "poly-adjacent" for years and never thought of my poly friends as being less-than or missing out.

One thing I like is that, in defending myself to my doubting friends, I become clearer in what this is for me and why it works. I see that a lot of what they throw at me is their own fear and insecurity.
Click to expand...

I have definitely found that in defending your choices to people who don't really understand them, you get clear on your motives and your wishes...it helps you to check whether what you're doing is really what you want, and why.

It's one reason I love having a forum to post on about my stuff. It helps me a lot in processing and understanding myself, which I'm always trying to do better.
 
Spork said:
It's one reason I love having a forum to post on about my stuff. It helps me a lot in processing and understanding myself, which I'm always trying to do better.
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Yes! My online journaling definitely helps me keep my head clear and my heart open. And I love it when I touch on something that helps someone else, too!
 
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