New to Poly and having problems

J

josiegrossie

New member
This is long, but I need help, so please stick with me.

I am brand new to polyamory. I've been interested for a year or so, and my husband and I have been discussing it for about 6 weeks. My husband has been very supportive, and we have been totally honest with each other. We each went on dates Friday and each ended up having sex with our dates. I went on a date with a guy I worked with for years, a guy I had had a crush on for years. About a year ago we both started grad school and he moved about 3 hours away. I drove to his new city, and got a nice hotel room in a downtown hotel because we planned to spend the night together. I even have a house rented in another city that we planned to visit together the next weekend. All of this to say, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars to spend time with him.

We were both nervous (we had both been wanting each other for 5 years) and we drank way too much. We had sloppy subpar sex, and he got up in the middle of the night and left. The next morning, he texted me to ask if I had any regrets, and told me I had a nice body. That was it. Then he backed out of our upcoming getaway, and it's too late for me to cancel my reservation. I have been upfront from the beginning, telling him I was hoping for this to develop into a relationship. I have even reiterated that since then, telling him that if he had different intentions, that's fine but let me know. He said he still wants that. I am 30, and he is 48; we are too old for games. We share a mutual love for healthcare and coffee, and we're both a bit emotionally needy, which seemed to work well together. Basically, I want to give it just one more shot to see if the excessive alcohol masked the chemistry we've felt for years, but maybe he's just not into me. Either way, we have been talking and texting nonstop every single day for the last month or more (which has now stopped). I had fallen for him, and now I'm honestly heartbroken. He told me that he got drunk and felt that he "underperformed," and he said he had "drunk dick." Maybe that's why he doesn't want to go on our little weekend trip, but that doesn't account for the decreased communication.

Now on to my husband. We ADORE each other. We have a great sex life, 2 beautiful children, and just a really deep love for each other. We've been together for almost 12 years, married for 7. He's a little bit older than me, so he experienced a bit more of the dating and party scene before we started our monogamous relationship. I've made this clear from the beginning with him that I am interested in polyamory, which he has been okay with, but he says he would just like sex occasionally with someone else. It all seemed to be going fine. Even the next day after our dates, things seemed good. However, starting Saturday night, things have been a little difficult. He has been running the gamut between the most jealous I have ever seen him and so supportive and loving about the whole thing (I'm talking "holding me while I cry over another man" type supportive). Is this normal in the beginning? Can I anticipate him getting over this with some time and more experience? Are we just not quite ready for the poly lifestyle or is the poly lifestyle just not for us?

Any insight, advice, encouragement, ANYTHING you have to offer would be so appreciated. I work full time, go to grad school full time, and I'm a wife and a mom. I need to find some inner peace about this so I can truly put my heart and mind into my other responsibilities.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

He has been running the gamut between the most jealous I have ever seen him and so supportive and loving about the whole thing (I'm talking "holding me while I cry over another man" type supportive). Is this normal in the beginning? Can I anticipate him getting over this with some time and more experience? Are we just not quite ready for the poly lifestyle or is the poly lifestyle just not for us?
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To me he sounds mad at Dude.

Like on the one hand, he wants to comfort you and help you heal. But on the other hand he's mad that Dude pulled some kind of "fuck and run" on his wife. Or that's how it seems, since Dude's not communicating now. Just up and ghosted.

I think that sounds like a normal response from your husband. Nobody likes their spouse getting hurt. It doesn't mean you are not ready for poly or that poly is not right for you.

It might mean your spouse is not a Dude fan right now.

It might mean "Actual Dude" is not what you thought he would be or built him up in your mind to be when he was "Crush from Afar Dude."

It might mean you reconsider HOW you practice your poly in order to minimize experiences like these.

But I think in time both you and your spouse will feel better and get past this Dude experience.

I drove to his new city, and got a nice hotel room in a downtown hotel because we planned to spend the night together. I even have a house rented in another city that we planned to visit together the next weekend. All of this to say, I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars to spend time with him.
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I'll be honest. I was really surprised to hear this. Sounds way over the top for a first encounter to me. I don't have that kind of money.

I hope you don't plan for ALL you first dates to be so lavish sounding. To me you sound like maybe you got a bit carried away with this encounter in your mind and in building anticipation. And it turned out meh. So maybe next time... try something else. Perhaps don't spend so much money on first encounters. Perhaps have some dates first before planning sex. Slow it down to get a better sense of the other person's character first. Not try for Cinderella show stoppers right out of the gate. YKWIM?

Could call it a life experience. Then try again.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks Galagirl!

I agree, I got carried away. I would NEVER have done this for someone I didn't already consider a friend. We worked closely together for a few years in some of the most stressful jobs around. I felt like we were already pretty well acquainted, but you're right, we should have started out much slower. This has definitely been a learning experience.
 
We worked closely together for a few years in some of the most stressful jobs around.
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Sounds like you mistook "work intensity" for some kind of "intimacy."

When really he was work acquaintance you had a crush on who also had a crush back. Maybe he made the same mistake. Perhaps that is a personal blind spot for you -- mistaking intensity for intimacy.

So maybe that's something else to think about -- figuring out your "messy people" list and actually articulating it to yourself.

We all have one. I don't want DH dating my mother, my sister, my boss, the kid's teacher... He has his list. He doesn't want me dating his brother, his boss, etc.

I don't want to date a coworker and have it go sour and then they file crazy with HR. I don't want to be fired because he dates my boss and she gets pissed at him and takes it out on me. I don't need that mess. There's enough people in the world to date without going for the potentially "messy" ones. Just easier for me to steer clear. I'm willing to avoid his messy list and he is willing to avoid mine.

Maybe you decide your "messy list" includes coworkers and former coworkers? Because you have a blindspot about confusing work intensity for intimacy?

Be ok being a learner and sometimes experiencing some mistakes. But do learn from your experiences so the mistakes aren't repeated.

I think it will get smoother for you over time. Everyone wobbles the first time they ride a bike or roller skates. I think some "wobbles" the first year practicing your poly is to be expected.

I need to find some inner peace about this so I can truly put my heart and mind into my other responsibilities.
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I think if you give it some time, review what worked and what didn't work in this experience, decide what you might try different next time and adjust your poly expectations, and become ok with with having some wobbles because you "learn as you go" -- you might be able to give yourself closure on this one and find that inner peace you seek.

Like... Ok. This wasn't quite the experience you hoped it would be. But you got some useful take home nuggets from it that you can learn from as you develop how you want to practice your poly.

Hope you feel better soon.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Hi josiegrossie,

It sounds to me like the guy you had a crush on didn't work out. I wouldn't plan on trying to date him again, he has kind of bailed on you anyway. Instead, give it some time, perhaps get an OKCupid account. Take things slowly in the future.

I think your husband is sympathetic about your situation, and doesn't want to see you hurt. It's easy to console you when a date didn't work out; the real test will be when a date does work out. Another reason to go slow.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
It's easy to console you when a date didn't work out; the real test will be when a date does work out. Another reason to go slow.
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Kevin, this is brilliant. :)

Work intensity is often intimacy. Work is where many, many people meet, get to know each other and attractions develop. It's just part of everyday life now, something to be aware of. All the years that I was working closely with others, I never was able to reign in my attractions, nor would I ever have wanted to. Learning how to manage them was what worked for me, but if I'd not gone with attractions with co-workers, I doubt I'd have had much of a dating life at all. Whether they are secret or out in the open, attractions and dating among co-workers is just part of life now. We hear about the horror stories, but there are thousands more quiet, normal, everyday relationships that come and go in the workplace.
 
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I wanted to write something, but Kevin's post is excellent :D

What your date did (cancelling a getaway you've already payed for) would be a no go for me. Unless he has a really good reasons and offers to cover at least part of the costs (assuming it was a mutually agreed upon thing), no second chances.
Sadly, in dating/polyamory some heartbreak seems unavoidable.

You and your husband are probably doing well, given the intensity of feelings you've stirred up. I agree with other's who've suggested to slow down. You've both really kind of jumped head first into dating. Six weeks of talking maybe seems like a long time to to you, but I don't think it is. I don't think you have covered all the important topics (you do not have to, just don't think that you did - mismatches in expectations will come up along the way). There are a lot of skills to learn along the way when new relationships develop - communication, jealousy and insecurity management, being a good hinge, releasing some of your couple privilage,... If possible, you want to take it one bit at a time and not take a huge leap outside of someones comfort zone.
 
FWIW, the prelude to my romantic relationship with Snowbunny was a work relationship with her. So no, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
 
Many of my relationships were with people I either worked with or worked for. None of them affected my job security or workplace dynamics. Just sayin'.

Josie, Tinwen is right about six weeks being no time at all, even though you may have been chomping at the bit for a long time before that. Some couples take a year or more to discuss the possibility of opening up their relationship before anyone actually steps out and fucks someone else. There are so many things to think about and discuss! Things from how jealousy will be handled to where in the budget date money comes from, to safer sex protocols, to time management - as a start!

The way to go slow? Have coffee dates (no sex) and then check in with each other and talk about any feelings that come up. Go on a few dates and wait til you know someone a bit better before jumping into bed with them (please don't think I am judging you because I used that phrase; I'm not. I have nothing against jumping into bed with someone right away, but I'm solo. When you're part of a committed couple, it's a bit different ). That's my 2 cents.
 
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I'm so sorry your crush flaked on you like that! Dating is hard. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a good one. It sucks that what seemed like such a good thing at work, and then long distance, turned out to not work in the end.

The others have had good advice. I'd add, first dates and alcohol don't mix. One drink, maybe 2, OK. And if all you want is to get laid (like pickups in bars or clubs), then, whatever. But of course, liquor can cause ED in men.

Poly dating (like any dating) can lead to our hearts getting nicked, if not outright broken. So, now you pick yourself up, see what you've learned, and move on. Maybe you just wanted Crush, and now you're going to back off? Or do you want to keep seeking other partners?

Your husband may only consider himself polysexual and just want casual sex. But otoh, maybe he might fall in love some day, or one of his future lovers might fall for him. Then what?
 
You say you've always been poly, but it is easy to get a crush. Actually doing it well takes skills you can learn. You did well by joining our board. You can also check out the website morethantwo.com, and the book of the same name. Another book is Opening Up.
 
I suggest that rather than waste the booking of a flat out of town, you treat your husband to the romantic getaway and thank him for the support he has shown. Or try to get a refund and plan something else for him with the money. He sounds like a champ: only six weeks into poly, juggling his own dating, and dealing with you all moon-eyed and sobbing over a man who turned out to be a dud? Many other partners would have run for the hills/stopped this poly experiment long ago. We often tell people that poly has a way of shining a light onto every crack in your relationship, but sometimes it just shows you what a gem you've already got in an existing relationship. No doubt this incident will also have fuelled his personal insecurities, but it sounds like he's dealing with them well considering. Both of you need to now be able to trust, moving forward, that not every guy you meet is going to dick you about and hurt your feelings. Sometimes that can be harder for our partners to believe than us, since they are not the ones picking them and so they can't exert any control. If you are more mindful in future and pick more wisely though, that will go some way towards reassuring him that he shouldn't tar every man you meet with the same brush as this dude.
 
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