The story of Spork.

[PinkPig]

I'm kind of struggling through the poly thing, at the moment, too, Spork. It makes good sense to me on so many levels. And, I can/do/have felt really strong compersion. I love the dynamics of kitchen table poly....and yet, juggling multiple relationships feels really draining and time consuming for me. I'm not into casual sex....I need the emotional connection first....but establishing good, strong multiple connections with multiple people takes time and energy I don't have. Is that because I'm ultimately mono but poly friendly? Or, just too busy between a hectic work schedule and single parenting?

And, there's the flip side...the sharing your partner. Again, I have/do/can feel really strong compersion. And, yet, the longer we're together, the harder it is to not feel insecure about Blue's connections with other women because our NRE has long faded but he's still deep in NRE with Sage, and now with another woman he's just started seeing.

Anyway, all that, just to say, I can relate

I'm glad things are going great with Zen! He certainly sounds like a good fit for you

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Funnily enough, I landed here on this forum thinking that poly seemed like a great idea. I felt as if romantic relationships were way too constricting as they are normally conducted and thought that poly might be the answer.

I'd spent 7 years single and very happily so - then had started seeing somebody who is a huge fan of poly and open relationships. It seemed like a brilliant idea. I suddenly had tons of spare time to be exploring relationships too - having just finished a degree.

Then - I started reading here and talking to friends who had experience of poly and open. And - I concluded that doing it well seemed like way too much work. More than that - too much work in an area of life I'm not massively interested in.

So, over the course of a year or so and in lots of different conversations, I clarified how I felt and discussed it with my new partner. Eventually, I said that I have no interest in being open or poly and no interest in having a partner who is. I offered to back off and go back to being friends with him to allow him to seek what he wants. He tells me regularly now that he doesn't want that just now. That he values what we have and wants to keep it.

So we are mono. He is free to change his mind at any point - and tbh I expect that he will at some point.

Maybe I will but I suspect not.

I filled my newfound spare time with voluntary work in an area related to my degree and spend that time doing what I can to make the world better.

 

[Spork]

Indeed. But Zen is mono...and not really interested in having another sexual relationship. So there is that.

So there is my end, where I'm satisfied and fulfilled and don't feel that I did a great job at being polyamorous (at least not with so damn many people!) despite the fact that in many ways it was a sweet gig with great people.

I like how my time is balancing these days, more or less (wish I had a little more time with Fire, or a friend or small group of friends once in a while, doing friend things.) Life is working out well with just Zen and me. It's alright.

I need to iron out where our comfort levels are when it comes to limits on play with other people at BDSM parties. I know he wants to have other play partners if the opportunity arises, and I'm generally good with that. I know that I'll continue to be able to enjoy some sorts of play like I always have, bottoming for fire or electricity for instance, I don't expect I'd change my habits in that arena. What I don't know is what if any limits on intimate touch and so on might should need discussed, and we should have that conversation. And will, I think, soon. Maybe today.

Thing is, I'm torn in feeling like I want to be in Zen's cheering section...like I kind of want EVERYONE to understand how amazing I think he is, and wouldn't mind if another sexy woman or two showed up to help me in making him feel good, right? Because doesn't he deserve all that and more? Sure, he does, why not?? But then there is definitely a part of me that enjoys having his attention all to myself.

So when he says he is quite happy with me being his only lover, I am happy to hear that, too.

 

[Spork]

Last night was weird.

Some awesome. My own feel that Zen is like a matching mechanism to mine, like he is there in the space with me, he turns his eyes to my eyes and I see him and a connection of energy exists in a place that words can't sketch properly. The device engages, the tumblers fall into place, the moving parts all line up right and the hum of an engine that runs just right is alive in the background of my universe. Just...that happiness. He is there, I am there, and that is happening, and it's great. I don't know if he feels that. But I know what I see in his eyes. I know it is so good to hold his head against my belly or my breast. I know he loves to touch me.

I feel like I'm not as clever and witty and quick in the mind as I was when I was a smoker. I'm vaping sometimes sure, but my nicotine intake is nothing like what it was, because I want to QUIT. I do not, as I've said before, wish to replace one habit with a new habit. I want to quit, and the vape is just a means to that end...I don't enjoy it much, and I don't WANT to enjoy it much. I just use it to keep myself from freaking out basically. So I don't get as much nic into my system as I used to but I think that's a good thing.

But I feel almost stupid now, like before I always could talk and talk and say the right things and now I'm stumbling.

Anyhow there were times last night with Zen where I just really struggled to express my thoughts, or felt like I said something incredibly stupid that he might take the wrong way or...something. I felt like I was bad at talk.

And it doesn't help that he was half asleep, having not slept much the night prior and had a hard day at work. So there came a point late in the evening where I finally decided to try and talk about the whole "um...where do you figure your boundaries might be, roughly, when it comes to me playing with others...?" and he just said nothing. I actually feel like he might have been zoning out so hard, even dozing, that he just wasn't getting comprehension around my speak. We were on the couch together and I couldn't see his face. So I don't know. I might have to bring it up another time.

I just really would rather communicate, than blunder into something that causes him hurt, because him being emotionally comfortable is more valuable and important to me, than chasing a sex fantasy at a Voodoo party. And I don't feel that it would be unreasonable if for instance he didn't want others to play with my lady parts or something, like that's a reasonable thing for a partner to ask me for! It's not like my ex who got upset if I TALKED to other guys sometimes, or went places where they'd see me and *gasp*...THINK THINGS... Yeah. I don't expect that Zen is going to ever demand things of me that I find unreasonable. What I do worry about is that he won't place his boundaries on the table for me to see until something has actually caused him a hurt. Maybe a bad one. Or that he won't stick up for his boundaries or needs at all. His tendency to martyr himself a bit and put up with stuff he maybe shouldn't sometimes, I don't want to be something like that. I want to give GOOD to his life...not bad, if I can help it.

I know, around here, we talk about doing what is valid and good for US as individuals and just letting our partners feel whatever they feel about it, working through that with them and such, not doing behaviors to prevent the feeling from happening necessarily. But I think there is a sane place in the middle where one might say, "You could ask X of me, and I think that would be reasonable. But Y...maybe Y is not reasonable." I am stopping short of calling these things rules, I am saying that I'd like to know where the line is, beyond which I am hurting my partner, so that I can act conscientiously.

Sometimes I'll probably still fuck up. But I can try not to.

I still feel like I'm rambling incoherently right now.

In other news, I will have to deal with the ex a lot this weekend and I'm not thrilled about that, but at least we are being nice to each other. My oldest son, Ninja and my youngest son, Q, have conspired this whole birthday plans stuff for the weekend because Q is turning 15. We're doing a cookout down at Old Wolf's house and Q is gonna spend the night down there and friends will be over. That kind of thing. Progress on getting the storage unit empty is going very well, and I should be able to eliminate that bill from my budget for next month. Yay!!

I'm knocking out some pretty significant objectives that I've had on my life goals list for many years. The quitting smoking is the biggest. Another one I consider to be right up there in the "Very Most Important" section, is to make more art. So I'll have to get cracking on that fairly soon...

 

[Tinwen]

I feel like I'm not as clever and witty and quick in the mind as I was when I was a smoker.

I don't know if nicotine withdrawal does this to you (never tried ). I know anxiety does, so if nicotine withdrawal makes you anxious, there you go.

 

[Spork]

Nearly forgot my exciting thing.

I got to geek out over this cool spider in Zen's backyard. She's just chillin' in the lavender. She is quite large, about the size of the palm of my hand. I went and did some research, and found that she is Argiope Trifasciata, a banded garden spider, a type of orb weaver. Odds are pretty high that she's gravid, will lay eggs soon, since a.) she's huge, b.) it's fall, and c.) she hasn't moved in a few days and they usually eat up the web and make a new one every night unless they're molting or getting ready to lay eggs. Orb weavers are outdoor spiders, don't really like to be inside, and build great big webs often. Beneficial and non aggressive, and their bites aren't harmful.

Interesting additional spider trivia... In her greater family of orb weavers, there are Saint Andrew's Cross Spiders in Australia, so called because they put an X-shape in their webs, and because they like to rest in the web with legs paired out in an X-shape. Obviously I'm a fan of a spider named after one of my favorite pieces of dungeon furniture! And then there are Uloboridae, also called cribellate orb weavers or hackled orb weavers. They are, as far as I can find out, the only family of non-venomous spiders. They have no venom glands! I did not even know such a thing existed!

Yes. I love spiders. I think they are cool. I think some of them are so goddamn adorable I want to give them snuggles. But they would not like that, so I won't. Specifically one of my favorite local spiders is Phidippus Audax. Please, I beg of you, go do a Google image search of Phidippus Audax right now. I will wait.

...

AREN'T THEY CUTE??

Although they aren't quite as flashy as their relatives, the peacock spiders, that are not only frecking adorable, they do a cute lil dance to impress girl spiders. Aww...

Anyhow. Here are the pictures of our pretty lady from Zen's backyard.

EDIT: Also I posted about this on Facebook, and as I expected, several of my spider loving friends got very excited. And uh, Worm King asked repeatedly if I'd capture her and relocate her to his house. I was like, no...ya frickin weirdo... and explained that she is likely to lay eggs and die soon, and does he really want his place colonized by a few hundred striped spiderlings?

What a strange guy he is, I tell ya. I haven't seen him at all in over a year, but he comments on my FB posts and then he asks will I bring him a spider. Jeez.

 

[Spork]

I don't know if nicotine withdrawal does this to you (never tried ). I know anxiety does, so if nicotine withdrawal makes you anxious, there you go.

Yeah there is some similarity between anxiety and nic withdrawal. It's like, at its worst, it feels like paralyzing anxiety, depression, paranoia, insecurity, severe irritability and a weird urge to chew on the furniture, all at once. Oh and insomnia can happen too, so you get really exhausted from not sleeping on top of all this.

It's not always bad like that. But when it IS bad...it's like that. And I'm having an easier time than the previous attempts to quit because I have the vape to fall back on when the icky symptoms really bite.

 

[RainyGrlJenny]

Pretty spider! I have a tendency to name them. Last year I had Dorindo in the window and Paul on the wall in the hall.

 

[Spork]

My brain is being very clever today and giving me lots of stuff to chew on.

Exciting ideas. WARNING: WALL OF TEXT. I'm actually having to break this into two posts it's so long...and it's ok if people don't want to read it, but I'm doing Important Brain Work here.

I have been asked, what is the story or narrative that you are trying to break free from?

Tangent:
Men who are struggling with inner narratives that harm their self esteem, have asked me this. I am talking with several of them in various parts of the internet because being an online therapy-friend seems to be a role that I seek out. (2 presently actually, one on fet and one on FB. I had one here before, if anyone remembers InTheDark? We did that thing. I have no idea what became of him, by the way, but I wonder sometimes.) I see some man who appears to be very intelligent and good-hearted but discouraged by life, often plagued by mental issues, and I offer encouragement and validation to him, and we start a PM convo wherein he ends up telling me all his stuff, and sometimes I tell him a bunch of my stuff and we push and shove at each other's demons a while. I don't honestly know if it helps but it seems like it helps. Feeling like I am being kind and helpful to another person makes me feel valuable and good. And sometimes they facilitate some good mental processes for me as well. These things tend to run their course and then I often never hear from those guys again. They are almost invariably submissive men.

My marriage was one very long exercise in this, as I was his coach and his therapist and all that...seems I have some kind of a need to do this sort of emotional labor for others. To give validation. Maybe because I feel a need to solicit some, myself?

So this leads into "what is the story/narrative?"

I am going to go so far as to say that any time I hear someone use the word DESERVE in talk of themselves...I'll be on the lookout for this to be a childhood or lifetime imprinted narrative. I've realized, the term "WORM" (Write Once Read Many) isn't always accurate because we get a sort of selective bias that looks for reinforcing scenarios, to say "see? It's always like this. This will always happen to me." Whatever our own narrative might be....do we MAKE it happen? Seek others who will inevitably do that, or is it simply selective bias looking and looking for the signs and bound to see them no matter what? Whatever the case, it's written initially but then written over and over and over into our life scripts.

Is everyone we meet being helplessly cast and written into our script over and over again?

Because it's always like this, and this will always happen to me, because THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE...?

Aha...so. What is MY narrative? It is that I am valuable as a caregiver. It is that I don't deserve to have either my needs honored or to have my own boundaries that I create for myself (other people tell me what my boundaries are, more on that later.) I am not good enough for people to go out of their way for me. Want to engage with me for me, just for me. I have to earn them, buy them, give them reasons. I deserve to be taken advantage of, not to be loved. I have to bribe anyone, I had better have enough to give...or no one will even show up. And the moment that my use expires, they will be gone. Anyone, everyone. I'll be alone.

My childhood wrote this, and every loss of human connection during the entire course of my entire life has reinforced it.

What does this mean? Well for one thing, my ex talks about women always leaving and this is his last chance to not die alone, trying to get into the life of Song, the woman in Oregon. He says it's different for me because I'm a woman and I'm hot and I'm young. Oh, sure, I can lure a man to put his dick in me. But beyond that? The difference in our thinking, is that he believes he is entitled to have someone care for him in sickness and old age, and I do not. I can't even imagine anyone standing by my side and caring for me if I am sick, old, infirm. Cannot conceive of the idea. What would be in it for them? I would then have nothing to offer, and consequently no one would be there. I never expected him to be there. And he wasn't! Even when I was in labor with his sons, he was completely self-absorbed, during the first he was annoyed that my mother was there and forced me to tell her to leave or he was going to leave, and then he was on and on about how hard his day was and how tired he was. He wasn't there for me. During the second, he had a health issue that was consuming all of his attention. And he wasn't there for me. No slack or leeway was given me due to pregnancy or having just birthed.

The pure concept of someone simply caring for me, is utterly alien. I don't know how to receive that. I feel it is far too much to expect of anyone.

So I martyr myself, giving care and not getting it...I CREATE this. I construct this reality. And I need to stop it. I see it in having these conversations with men online, and that is fine, because it helps me with boundary building. But the part I must stop is where I do this in my relationships. Where I feel like a bad person, or uncomfortable, with receiving care from my partner. Where I feel like my role is to give, to the point I feel almost frantic if I'm not giving enough.

It has recently manifested in my relationship with Zen, if I don't feel like I am being fulfilling of his needs then I feel first a bunch of insecurity that he's just going to be disappointed with me because I'm selfish, I am getting too much and giving too little. I ask what is he getting out of this, and have a hard time just trusting that he can answer that question for himself and for pete's sakes, if the man were not getting something good out of it, he would have stopped by now! I need to stop feeling like I need to bribe my partner with some kind of abstract currency to continue to be by my side, and frantically wondering if I'm coming up short or offering enough to be worth his time. It is easy for me to trust that I love someone, because here I am in my head, and I enjoy him with every sense I have. I think of him all the time. I get distracted imagining his touch and voice and eyes. But trusting that someone loves ME is really hard. I keep, in my mind, asking, WHY? You say you love me, but...really? How? Why? Am I giving you enough to deserve it? Once we get past the "hey you're cool and this is fun, let's keep doing it!" version of love...where I feel like I can't get enough of someone...I start getting scared. Casual love is safe and easy but attachment is scary, vulnerable.

Continued....

 

[Spork]

...continued from last post...

Which of course goes right back to the origin story, the only really dedicated caregiver I felt I ever had died when I was five years old. By the way, when we look around us at the high divorce rate, at the unhealthy relating habits, at the despair of men in the dating world and the defensiveness of women in the face of male sexuality, at all of this mess that the adults of today are struggling against just trying to find love...and look at how many of us came not only from families of divorce but how many of us were raised in daycare centers? How many of us had deficits of love and care, or caregivers who came and went? I wonder very seriously about the narratives of the people around me in my society and where all of this is heading?

But right now I have a chance. Because I am becoming aware of this stuff, and because merely because my life experience tried to imprint a framework of how the world works and what I "deserve"...does not mean that it is fate, or it is hopeless or it is in fact all I can have. I've got an obligation to challenge these ideas. I might need help sometimes. But there is hope. Maybe hope for all of us if we're willing to do the work.

So in the adult world of now, I am giving thought to both needs and boundaries. This idea occurred to me when I nearly wrote a response to the "do you wish you weren't poly?" thread. I don't know if I am poly or not. I've been over that recently here. I'm seriously still figuring stuff out, and this is the phase where many people say you should not even DO relationships, because you need "time to heal" or "time to figure out your stuff" or whatever. But I don't necessarily agree, because I appreciate the love and support of my Zen. I just have to be careful not to sabotage or fuck up what I have there. Most importantly by seeking reinforcements of narratives, where they don't have any business poking their nasty selves into my relationship. Narrative reinforcement gremlins can fuck off! This relationship is not like any other I have ever had, and it is a new thing under the sun. When I see it like that, I feel like it's that scene where the survivors of the apocalypse step out of the wreckage and it's dawn and the air is breatheable and there is a new day of hope and wonder. When the gremlins chatter, and try to tell me that I'm being delusional in my hope, this is somehow just like all the other times, I'm doomed to repeat and repeat my stupid choices or architect the same failing scenarios...it feels like the part where we thought the hero had defeated the villain and he pops up and needs to be put down again.

I've never believed in happily ever after. I don't deserve it.

I'm not ready to believe in that and maybe, says my practical self, that's ok. But I want to believe in "happily going forward." Can I have that? I want that.

So, needs and boundaries. I have to figure that out. I am a grown ass woman and that is my stuff I need to do. I've got a good start on the needs part, I think. Figuring out what is a need and what is not. I've talked about that before...sadomasochism is presently a need, community, territory, etc. But boundaries? Oh, I am bad at that. That one needs work bigtime. Like, the only way I've known how to have boundaries has been "full retreat! hide in a hole! pull it in after yourself!" Whether emotionally withdrawing or withdrawing from social groups and friends. Like I'm an extrovert, but occasionally enough people just wander right in where they have no business because my boundaries are weak and I don't know how to reinforce them. An example of this...people nudging and pushing for things I'm not wanting to offer in the BDSM community. We try to be so respectful, but I've got people who seem to want more than I really want to offer them, and I'm having a hard time JUST SAYING NO. Like I do that shit passive aggressive thing of talking behind their back to other people, and you know what that is? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? That is me, going to others, saying "Um. So and so is making me uncomfortable because they seem to want more than I really want to give, should I have to give that? Is it reasonable for me to um...have a boundary?" and they of course are like, "Just say no, you totally don't have to give anyone anything." And there I am doing that as though I deep down expect OTHER PEOPLE, via grapevine, to make my boundaries for me because it will eventually get back to so-and-so that I'm not really interested and have mentioned that I am uncomfortable.

That is so fucking cowardly and lame. I don't like that. Why am I doing it?

And you know what is next, or the other thing I do? Full retreat. Vanish. I'm uncomfortable and I don't know how to do boundaries for myself, so screw it, I'm out. Poof! And I think that's one reason I'm so hesitant to commit myself to a lot of the community stuff, much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Voodoo community...I'm keeping my avenue of retreat open.

And get this. Spork can't write her own boundaries, and it's so damn bad, I'm over here waiting for Zen to tell me what my boundaries are, or should be. OK, part of that is genuine desire to be a caring partner in the "I'm not trying to poke jealousy buttons," especially if I feel the reasons are trivial and not a Great Big Need of mine. But partly I'm asking him for help in defining and defending my boundaries. Because I find it really hard to do on my own.

 

[PinkPig]

As usual, I can relate to so much of what you've written, Spork. Especially your personal narrative and inability to set and enforce your boundaries. I have many of the same issues...have been working on them for awhile and will be for even longer, I think. So, anyway, just wanted to say that you're not alone and thank you for posting!

PS It seems to me that Zen is getting as much from you as he's giving. Just keep reminding yourself that

 

[Spork]

As usual, I can relate to so much of what you've written, Spork. Especially your personal narrative and inability to set and enforce your boundaries. I have many of the same issues...have been working on them for awhile and will be for even longer, I think. So, anyway, just wanted to say that you're not alone and thank you for posting!

PS It seems to me that Zen is getting as much from you as he's giving. Just keep reminding yourself that

Interestingly, he finds it challenging to receive, too.

And when I feel troubling things, it's generally not because he did something, it's because of internal factors, it's ME stuff and I know it. And remembering how he behaves towards me in many instances is my talisman against that.

It helps. A lot.

We had lunch together today, since I wrote all of that (he joked about how overwhelmingly LONG some of these posts can be--I told him that I'm usually excited to the point of getting kind of carried away in my thoughts when new ideas start coalescing.) We did have the conversation about his feelings and boundaries, and I was pretty close to the mark in my thinking about something that would probably be beyond his comfort zones, versus other activity that would be ok, and possible exceptions to this.

This is another bit that comes up very often in polyamory spaces. He is comfortable with me having another female lover, but not another male lover. Well, I've railed against this thinking before in other contexts, but the way he puts it, I actually respect where he is coming from. And...there's more than that, and it comes from ME, where I actually WANT MY boundaries to exist.

I don't really have the interest in another relationship with another man. And I don't have much interest in casual sex. I ask myself, "what about a woman?" and I think well...that COULD be interesting maybe... And then I think of one woman in particular, a Domme that I know, and I'm kind of fluttery about her, and yes I have to admit that something with her in particular would be VERY interesting. Having her scene me to any level whatsoever, having something casual, having a FWB thing, or having her teach Zen some refinements to some top skills, just to enjoy the energy of both of them co-topping me at once...any of that would appeal to me.

I don't feel I can sustain another whole relationship right now.

And I feel pretty saturated with male energy in my life.

I would not mind having more sexual experiences with another woman at some point. I wouldn't object to either involving Zen somewhat, somehow, in that...or doing that on my own. But I don't feel any urgency in it. It's just a thought. I am far more comfortable with his feelings on this, than I have ever been in the past when a man has said he'd be ok with his girl getting involved with another girl but not another guy. Usually that just pisses me off. Now I'm like well...*shrug*...it kinda works ok with how I'm feelin' anyhow.

The only exception to all of that being one very specific fantasy thing I had in my mind, but that overall mental arousal trigger can easily be pushed (and pushed well) by activities that would NOT make Zen uncomfortable. So it's no big thing.

Basically I am coming off my lunch date feeling more secure in where we stand on stuff, and I am glad about that.

 

[Spork]

I don't really have the interest in another relationship with another man. And I don't have much interest in casual sex.

....

And I feel pretty saturated with male energy in my life.

I must now contradict this a bit. If I had a chance, I would PAY for the chance to have a night with Lewis Black. He's brilliant and I adore him and he turns me on, I'm just saying. I'm listening to his youtube videos right now. *le sigh*

I don't care how old he is, and I don't care how old he gets. He's yummy.

Hm. You know. I've had some success at meeting famous people, and convincing them to come do fun crazy things in my company. I wonder if I could get Mr. Black to come to one of the BDSM clubs...

OK I'm gonna stop. I'm pretty cool but I don't know if I am THAT cool. And even if I were, I couldn't tell you people about it, that's against the rules.

So it was a great weekend. I was not sure initially if I'd have a lot of time to devote to fun with Zen, because it was Q's 15th birthday weekend. But the kids conspired to invite friends and do stuff down at Old Wolf's house, and I was able to be there during the day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday...I was not going to be keen to spend the night down there anyhow. So I had the apartment to myself and, primarily Saturday night, Zen and I took advantage of that. Zen and I REALLY took advantage of that. I lit up all the candles in my room, which I never do because I've got a fluffy cat (I shut him out of the bedroom, much to his annoyance, and he sat in the hall singing the songs of the scorned kittycat for a while.) And my love and I enjoyed one another for hours. There is nothing quite so nice as firelight on sweaty skin, I think. And for a good long time just lying there, entwined and dozing in and out of consciousness...which was wonderful for me at least, since he had made me into a trembling, mindless rag doll at that point. He didn't leave until 3 in the morning.

Last night I had him over again, he had expressed an interest in watching Labyrinth with me, because I'd mentioned how important a movie that was to a lot of girls in my age demographic especially, and how loaded with metaphor it is. I know it isn't the sort of thing to really appeal to him necessarily, he opined that an adult might enjoy it more on drugs...but I explained a lot of the more important themes. Sara goes in extremely childish, utterly self centered, to the point of silliness, but by the end she is rendered more mature, nurturing, kind, loving and dutiful. She faces and experiences the perils and mysteries of sexuality in the person of the Goblin King, she learns the lesson that being overly materialistic and attached to things is to be shackled, burdened and trapped by them. That things are often not what they seem, and if we're going to get really close to home for me personally, you have Bowie as the Goblin King, with his very deliberate male virility on display and his RIDING CROP in hand, talking about "fear and obey me" at the end, and the girl responding ultimately, "you have no power over me." Which is an illustration of the rights of consent, even in power imbalanced relationships. And so many things I try to explain to people about nonverbal communication and eye contact can be illustrated in grand fashion in the ballroom scene. I've actually employed the "stalker Bowie" technique in nightclubs, on other women, before, just for fun.

So aside from the delightful visuals and the puppetry and practical effects and sets, all of which appeal to me tremendously as an artist, there are lots of subtle (or not-so-subtle) things going on in that film. And I know LOTS of women in their 30s who were influenced by it in their late childhood, pre-teen, or early teen years.

Also I took Q to the mall yesterday, and while he was spending his birthday money, I found another couple of pairs of really cool socks. I have a...thing...for weird socks. I don't even wear normal socks at all anymore. I have Beetlejuice socks, Ouija board socks, eyeball socks, bloodsplatter socks, socks with stripes and socks with skulls and stripes with spots. Socks with lace and socks that lace up, socks with a staircase and a chandelier on them. Socks with cats and lazers, socks with raccoon faces. I...have a lot of socks. About the only way this could be better, is if I found a site that let me do custom socks, and could make GWAR socks or socks with BDSM related stuff like crops and paddles, on them.

It's just kind of my thing.

And Q had a great birthday overall. He spent time with friends doing fun stuff, we did a cookout, and he got cool stuff. I spent more time with Old Wolf than I would prefer, but aside from going on and on and on about Song and his plans, he was behaving well. He wants to meet Zen now, and I just...don't feel like that is even necessary.

 

[Spork]

Reverie, one of my favorite bloggers here, was talking about the mechanisms of her attraction and developing love and so on.

So I used to think that I was attracted to unusual looking people. Men with long hair, people with brightly colored hair, tattoos, piercings. I like to look at them. But in fact...I'm not really chasing them. I've realized there are many people that I consider aesthetically pleasing to behold, that I would actually not want to be intimate with. I've been surprised to discover, since having the freedom to consider attractions to people in the wild, that there are some I consider to be very hot or sexy to look at, and yet if they came onto me, I'd turn them down. Voltaire (Photo gallery here: http://www.voltaire.net/photo_gallery/ ) is my favorite example of this. He is just too outwardly desirable. He's too pretty. I've met him multiple times, we've talked, he's been nice to me...but pretty as he is, I would not want to be naked anywhere near him.

What I'm attracted to...it's a sequence of screening and fact finding. Screening is whether the person has anything about them that really puts me off. Maybe an expression that makes it look like they are scowling all the time, perhaps body language that is too closed off or nervous, squinty eyes or twitchy mannerisms. Immediate dealbreakers. And observation of data points that might be positive, such as a relaxed, smooth demeanor, a nice smile, older age. Then initial fact finding...intellect and interests, S/M alignment, relationship habits, etc.

I don't prefer highly desirable or highly experienced men. I love the feeling of seeing something in them that maybe others don't. That makes me feel very special. Once some groundwork is put down on who we are, what we want, and whether we're both game to step forward, I want to start exploring physical compatibility. Touch, scent, taste. Sex. If that works out well, I might fall in love. Given compatibility in the other areas up to this point, frequent and enthusiastic contact will make emotional attachment on my part more likely.

I have had such relatively low numbers in terms of experience with women, only a handful and prior to Fire it has been so very long. All I can say there is...energy. There is an energy. Of course, as a teenager I used to be a lot more aggressive and Dominant than I want to be now. As a teenager I tended towards girls who would submit to me, to some extent...except for one. Now, I'm still working out what might appeal to me in women. I know that a thing happened not long ago where I came into a room where a Domme I know was standing holding a very pretty knife, and I stopped short and stared at her and the knife. I have never really gotten into knife play. But she saw my look and was drawn to come up close on me, and hold the knife near my face and watch me breathe hard. She has helped another person top me before. In normal situations, I enjoy her, I like her, we are cool. But when she is switched on, when we are in one of THOSE situations, she makes me absolutely crazy. I'm simultaneously turned on and a bit terrified, and it's great.

I think that the whole power exchange thing has eclipsed a number of other attraction points I used to think mattered. I want the right energy with a partner to match with my desires in that area. It matters more than pretty, more than wealthy, more even than common interests (because I'm thrilled to have Zen sharing many of his interests with me)...as long as no dealbreakers show up to put me off.

Here is what's interesting. I don't simply see someone and boom, attraction...I have to do this analytical process to get to a place where I realize I might be interested or willing. The Worm King was the fastest, since this phase of my love life started, on the first date, but we'd been talking online over a month. And he turned a "probably not" into a "what the hell, yes" by employing some sadistic touch. Good for him. But if I'm not open to new partner seeking, I don't even let the wheels start turning on the analytics involved. And falling in love NEVER happens, not in a real, serious, obsessive, NRE, OMG, WTF way...unless sex is happening.

Which means that it's a lot easier for me to "turn off" initial interest and attraction, the desire to engage in sex, rather than the emotions once sex is in play (though there is no guarantee that sex will lead to love...if it DOES, then that is nearly impossible for me to simply not feel.) I guess men can do that? I can't do that. This makes it fairly easy for me to be sexually faithful if that's the mode I've chosen to be in. I just am not very tempted, especially by anything new. Easy. But dating in a world where men expect sex by date 3, is perilous for me emotionally, especially since I sometimes have trouble with my own boundaries.

This is just another set of personal stuff that makes me think that being at least monosexual is probably for the best, for me. It's interesting stuff.

 

[Spork]

Just changed my mind about a big ol' post. It was some decent code-chewing, and I saved the text of it offsite in case I decide to play with it later.

Thing is...I'm in a great mood today. And sometimes a great-mood-day is a good time to chew on some of the bad stuff that I've used to injure myself with recently, because I'm not going to FEEL stuff while I think about the issues. But then I'm sitting here with this whole spiel of more or less negative process in front of me, and I don't even really want to look at it. And I don't really want anyone reading this to think I'm actually in that headspace today. I'm not. Today is a good day.

So I swept it all up like crumbs off a countertop and tucked it away somewhere else to think about another time.

Life is good. My allergies are getting less severe. My October is FULL of awesome stuff. Like I think there are 3 days on my calendar that doesn't have stuff scribbled on it this month. OK, so some of these things are like my kid's soccer practice, and half of 'em I'll change my mind and not attend, more likely than not. Whatever! Still feels like a month that will be full of fun stuff and happily busy, so I'll take it. Oddly I still have no idea just what I am doing for Halloween!

I really would love to organize a party that is spooky and fun and family friendly for all of my friends who have kids. Seriously, I know loads of people in and out of the kink community who have families. Mainly I'd like to be able to invite teens, because it's a tough thing to be that age where you're too old for trick or treating, but you can't go to bars or grownup parties. Unfortunately...I live in an apartment. I don't have the kind of space to throw a party, not really. I have decorations, I have music, I even have some movies and I could get more. But I don't have the right kind of space for this anymore. Boo.

Q wants to go to a haunted house, and I'm quite sure we'll do that. Otherwise, I have no idea. Meh. I got spoiled the last several years. I was able to go see GWAR concerts in Denver for Halloween. Not this year!

Anyhow.

And most of all the happiness of today, it's a Zen day because his work schedule is weird. Sex on Saturday and now sex again, it's pretty cool because it's hitting me squarely on the "more often I get it, more often I want it" button. I'm still riding pretty high on memory of the last time, and it fuels quite an eagerness for more tonight. So fucking YAY for me! If guys are supposed to slow down in wanting sex as they get older, nobody has given my Sadist the memo, he wants me at least as much as, if not more than, anyone ever has...and he's the oldest lover I've ever had.

So my sex life is pretty awesome.

And I am also digging the business of how my in-love self looks at my partner and sees perfection and mega sexyness. Like I remember how his face looked to me in certain moments last Saturday night and I get a melt and a tingle and a warm fuzzy about it. Mm hm, so nice! ^.^

Kind of feeling like I might spend a little more time up in Denver at one of the kink venues up there. There are a few nights this month that they're doing interesting things. Thing is, Zen's work schedule is wonky this month. He's working a lot of weekends. And there is a person in Denver I am interested in....maybe. At least some party play if I can get it. Just considering where my community involvement goes from here. It kind of feels weird to go to my "home dungeon" parties without Zen.

So here is a thing, more about the "women are ok, men not so much" deal. I've encountered this thinking before, as I've said it has annoyed me in the past but it doesn't now. However, this is the sort of thing that leads to unicorn hunting. It's the kind of mentality that is often looked upon with some scorn in poly communities. I even had a male friend get ANGRY and post a rant on Fetlife because there was a girl he met at an event who said on her profile she was poly, but then when he tried to chat her up she and her guy were open to other women but not other men. So my friend got mad, mostly because he got rejected but then turned it into this whole "it's not right, it's not fair" rant...that if you're "open" you should be open to ANYONE.

Well, I just don't agree. But the thing is...is it because of "rules" made by the man in the relationship, or is it something both partners feel and agree on? And is there an expectation that both partners will "share" the "third" or is it fine for the woman to go date another woman and have a completely separate relationship with her?

Because personally, I feel like my love and sex life is well saturated with Zen for male energy. But the thing with Fire did not really fulfill us both in ways I might have liked, it's been ages since I had a proper relationship with a woman that WAS sexually great for us both, and I might like to try doing that. But NOT if I have to be shared with her man, and not with the expectation that she be involved with Zen or that we put on a "show" for him (though if she said she wanted to, I'd be down for that.) And I don't want to "hunt" for this unicorn, I just want to be open to the possibility.

Mainly I really enjoyed the energy of the Domme friend of mine with the knife and I think I'd like to experience some more stuff with her if she is willing at some point. And I could see her, if she were willing, teaching Zen a trick or two with some impact techniques, because she's good at teaching and I've been co-topped while she taught someone stuff before, and I really liked it. But as cool as the guy was in that situation...SHE excited me more. And I'd like to feel more of that. Given the chance.

That isn't unicorn hunting, in my opinion. Zen and I are not looking for "our third." We aren't even trying to share a woman in our relationship. And no one is really hunting for anything.

But don't let me say around my local polyfolk that I'm closed to men but mayyybe open to a woman. Holy hell, they'd tar and feather me, especially given that the local community is run by a transwoman whom I have ZERO interest in, but who wants to play with me. Also her slave wants to play with me. I am not interested in either of them. But if I'm not allowed to have a gender preference for possible additional partner(s) then if I'm in the community with them, I'm like...even MORE not allowed to.

Though if I were 100% straight, or 100% gay, then that would be fine.

EDIT: Now I feel like I have to say, "it's not because they are trans people, it is because of who they are that I'm not interested in them. I was uninterested before Zen and I went mono, so it's not even a penis thing." Why do I feel like I've got to say something like that? I'm expressing here, I had the strongest impulse to explain. I don't want that impulse! I should not have to give reasons! I should be ok to not be attracted to whomever, and if that means that the only humans I am interested in are like 1 in 100 women, then fucking that is my business! This is my confusion of the day, now. *sigh* Feh.

But it's like if I am bisexual I've got to be open to sex with anyone who shows an interest? How is that ok to me? It feels like I'm not allowed to have any boundaries for who I will have in my sex life. And really, although I am maybe open to another woman, it's not just ANY other woman. I'm very, VERY particular and while I can't tell you my exact criteria...I know it when I see it and I rarely ever see it.

I have trouble saying no, without feeling like I am rejecting people and being mean and I have to justify it somehow. Which is why I am now feeling like attending stuff not at home dungeon unless Zen is there, but rather in Denver dungeon where I can fix on a person where there is interest, or make conversation with new friends without people pushing expectations (yet, if I am lucky.) BOUNDARIES ARE HARD! Why are boundaries so damn hard to do??? *sigh*

Anyhow. But today's a good day. Tomorrow will take care of itself or something.

 

[Spork]

Movies

So I'm normally not one for weepy movies.

But Zen had me watch one that gets him just so. I'm considering sharing the movie...that One Damned Movie...that makes me cry every time.

It's a movie about a guy who gets in a car crash and he's reincarnated as a dog and tries to get back together with his family, it's called Fluke. Makes me all tearful just thinking about it, that movie. The scene in the graveyard at the end, for anyone who has seen the film, just absolutely does me in.

But you know, it's a family drama and honestly it's not that...DEEP. Cerebral. I feel like some of the stuff Zen has had me watch, compared to some of the stuff I've shown him...maybe I'm more a fan of the flash and dazzle of modern Hollywood, or something. Most of the movies I love don't make me THINK too much, they just appeal to the senses or poke me in the feels.

Last night we talked about bad movies. Well it started because Sean Connery got mentioned in conversation...he's kind of a jerk from what I hear, but I was making jokes about him...I only thought he was attractive in Medicine Man, so he was pretty old by then. Young Sean had these freaky eyebrows that were just completely out of control. And so Zen asks me if I have seen Zardoz. And he had me watch bits of this. There aren't words. It's...kind of gloriously awful.

So in the spirit of gloriously awful, if executed in an entirely different way, I decided what the hell, let's watch Kung Fury. Zen had not seen this. Happily it made him laugh, a sound I'm always delighted to hear...

Things he's had me watch include 2001: A Space Odyssey, Brazil, Defending Your Life, Cowboy Bebop, My Name is Bruce, Sunday in the Park with George, and parts of Zardoz and Koyaanisqatsi, online...after we'd gotten through Game of Thrones, which we shared a love of.

Thing is, I have not been wild about all of these things, for their own merits. Some of them I like more than others. But even the ones I was pretty "meh" about for their own sake, I'm still very enthusiastic about in another sense, which is that I feel that taking in media...movies, music, art...that HE loves, gives me another little taste of insight to the world in his mind, the stuff he has experienced or that means things to him. It's very like how I view his many collections and stuff with some fondness and affection. The many bits and bobs, the art and books and toys and cards and coins and whatnot, well...it's a million little reflections of the person I love, isn't it?

So I kinda found 2001 and Defending Your Life to be a little on the boring side. I loved Sunday in the Park with George, and Brazil, though! I think we ought to watch Bladerunner together sometime. I know he loves that, and I haven't seen it in a while (though I've seen it before, and I know I like it.)

I've had him watch the Rollerball remake, Your Highness, and Labyrinth...Kung Fury...don't recall if there was much more than that. We usually watch his movies. I don't think I've shown him anything he was really wild about, but again, we usually watch his movies. And some of mine are admittedly pretty bad. Your Highness is awful, but I adore it.

On that note. It occurs to me that I want to finish collecting up all of Guillermo Del Toro's films. As a visual effects junkie, his work is my absolute favorite of favorite things...and there are some I haven't even seen!

I saw one in theaters a while back called Crimson Peak that I liked quite a lot. Mostly for the house porn though. I'm like, "yes, yes very spooky...but I kinda want to lick the woodwork..."

Recently I watched The Crow for the first time in ages. I am reminded that I'm not that nuts about the story, it's fairly straightforward...our main dude had his love/wife/kids/family/whatever destroyed and must now hunt down and exact revenge on all those responsible, complete with a Boss Battle at the end before he goes back to the grave. Woopdie do, we've seen it done, though yeah this one WAS all gothy in the time that I was a goth kid. But more importantly was the music. The soundtrack to that movie was like the soundtrack to my teenage sex life. Golgotha Tenement Blues on repeat baby, YEAH! lol

I get to see my Zen again tonight, but I'm not sure what we're doing. Been hoping to hear back from him about that after sending a message on FL earlier...

 

[Magdlyn]

You get to decide who you want to date or play with. Just because you are bi or pansexual does not mean you must be open to everyone of every gender all the time. That is just ridiculous. And if that is the vibe being given off by the leader of one of your groups, and she and her partner are pressuring you to play with them, and you don't want to, a simple, thanks but not thanks should suffice. Otherwise it's predation and rude. Be firm but kind.

I've been with Pixi going on 8 years. In that time, I've dated probably 35+ men, gone on one date with one woman, and dated another woman for a few months. I feel I get all the female energy I need from Pixi. It was fun to date Artist though, and I wish it would have worked out. She had many lovely qualities, but she was too messed up in general.

If I am going to go to the trouble to date someone besides Pixi, I want a penis-having person, basically. You're getting all the D you need, probably, so if and when you feel ready, maybe you want someone with boobs and hips and softer skin, or whatever. Variety is one of the benefits of poly, after all!

 

[Spork]

You get to decide who you want to date or play with. Just because you are bi or pansexual does not mean you must be open to everyone of every gender all the time. That is just ridiculous. And if that is the vibe being given off by the leader of one of your groups, and she and her partner are pressuring you to play with them, and you don't want to, a simple, thanks but not thanks should suffice. Otherwise it's predation and rude. Be firm but kind.

I've been with Pixi going on 8 years. In that time, I've dated probably 35+ men, gone on one date with one woman, and dated another woman for a few months. I feel I get all the female energy I need from Pixi. It was fun to date Artist though, and I wish it would have worked out. She had many lovely qualities, but she was too messed up in general.

If I am going to go to the trouble to date someone besides Pixi, I want a penis-having person, basically. You're getting all the D you need, probably, so if and when you feel ready, maybe you want someone with boobs and hips and softer skin, or whatever. Variety is one of the benefits of poly, after all!

Thanks, Mags! Yeah LOGICALLY I know this. In my brain, it's like DUH, OF COURSE that's how this works!!

I'm still parsing out why it makes me so uncomfortable to say no, why I feel like I have to have reasons, why I struggle with it. It feels a lot like...when I hear stories about how women get approached my men "in the wild" and have to say, "I have a boyfriend" to get them to go away... OK but I'm not talking about random dudes, I can chat and deflect easily there. I'm talking people I know in life. Sometimes people I really like a lot. Or just people I want to be nice and friendly with.

I have had a really hard time with healthy boundary maintenance my entire life. It was easy when I was married, because I had this crazy jealous guy who would go nuts if he even THOUGHT that something MIGHT be happening. He basically challenged me with, "Women are betrayers and you will inevitably cheat because you're female and have no morals" during the entire 18 years. So I had to prove otherwise, and as much as I had invisible walls up against him, I was in a fortress against anyone else.

But now though...not only do these people know I've been poly, but they know that I have no shame about periods in my life as an ethical slut, I embraced that with perfect comfort. I have no walls to hide behind. And just saying "No, I don't want to" feels like I'm calling them a bad person.

Like we were back in the weeks following Thunder (the kink con in Denver) and I asked those two if they had a good time, being conversational. The slave said, no, that she had been rejected a bunch of times and Mistress had been rejected a bunch of times and she was really depressed. And the constant pouring on of how cool she thinks I am all the time. Like oh no, I'm gonna be just another person who rejects her, or them. Mistress constantly talking about I should come to their house parties. I do not think so.

So have I tried a firm but polite, "No thank you"...? *sigh* No. But. I have made much lately of my monosexual relationship with Zen. And frankly, I don't feel like going to parties without him, unless maybe the ones in Denver where I might spend time with the Domme up there that I like. And it feels like a relief to have another mono-flavored relationship to use as a shield, and yet it also feels very lazy of me. Because especially if I'm gonna play in this community, I damn sure better be able to do my own boundaries.

I KNOW THIS. But I'm trying to reconcile a lot of feelings about the actual reality of doing it. The walking of the talk if you will.

I have however, lately, told a few people something to the effect of, "I like you a lot, but I won't have sex with you because honestly I really like a lot of people and if I had sex with all of them, I would never get anything done in life." It is kind of lame and kind of weak but it did let me off the hook and it didn't feel mean.

As for that Domme in Denver. You know I just really like her so much. I want to be friends with her. I want to have conversations with her about all kinds of stuff. She's got a dazzling intellect and her humor is an absolute delight, and I admire many things about who she is and what she has done with her life. I respect her. And she is really good at giving me fear-thrills, and I dig that. I do not want to get relationshippy there. We live too far apart and neither of us has the time, for one thing. I don't want to demand anything. But I want more talk and the occasional play if I can get it. And if not, well that's fine too, she's one of those people I'm just glad and honored that I've had the joy of meeting and talking to in life. Bright colors painted on my wall of life experience as it were.

 

[Spork]

Happier stuff now.

Had 2 straight days of sexy fun time with my Zen. Yarr...he be lovely. So they say "men are visual" and women less so, nah, it's just the WAY in which we are maybe. I won't watch porn to accomplish any personal stimulation, even the one sort I have some interest in, is barely interesting to me. And I don't see a sexy person and want to have the sex with them. I admire pretty humans like art but don't necessarily want to do anything about it. I don't get interested in sex until we're talking and I'm getting more input on them than just what they look like. (EDIT: Actually I'm more likely to see a pretty human and think, "I would like to draw/paint them" than "I would like to have naked funsies with them.")

So in that way no, I'm not "visual." But. I like to watch people being PASSIONATE. Now that I like. Maybe that's why I like Lewis Black so much, because even if it's angry ranting, "passionate" might be one of the better words to describe his behavior. Many of your Hollywood love scenes with just the bodies sliding against one another and the faces of ecstasy, the breath hissed in between the teeth and the gasping and stuff, yeah that is good. But a mechanical slappity slappity like in porn, uh...ew, no. Not so much.

But once I get Big Feels for a lover, and see them through those love-tinted-glasses, the sight of them doing anything sexual is a tremendous turn on, and Zen's face when we're doing things and some of the stuff from the last few times, I will be thinking about for a long time indeed.

Also I have to wear a scarf today because I've been nibbled. I have Sadist nibbles all over my damn neck. lolz NO REGRETS. ^.^

 

[Spork]

Hm.... Yanno I used to think, "what kind of person, aside from some frat kid, even knows where parties are happening all the time anyways?"

And now I am that person. You know, I really could not have conceived of anything quite like this, before I got into the community, and I have a hard time imagining who would NOT want to come check it out. It frustrates and saddens me how many folks are so opposed to even showing up. It's like going to a theme park with your friends and realizing you're the only one who even likes rollercoasters and everyone else just wants to sit on a bench and says, "oh you go ride, it's fine. I'll be over here. Sitting."

Really? You...just want to...sit? Uh...ok.

Well anyhow. Here we are, there is a Friday night a-brewing, and my Sadist will not be available to give me a preferred "whatever involves spending time with my love" option this weekend. No adult supervision. I'm tagged and released into the wild.

I could go to the party in Denver. I'd like time with the lady up there. But she will likely be quite busy. Probably too busy to talk. Sabre will be there. He is single now according to FL and he likes me. He would want to play. I would be tempted by him...but he isn't more interesting than the one I have, who prefers to have me to himself. And so. I could see letting him flog me but that would be about it.

And now I don't really want to take even that, from a new man's hand.

Especially when I know that THIS man does blend it into his sex life, more than simply being a master at the particular skill. Like, I can think of men I'd bottom for who have service topped me before. But I'm shy of Saber not only because he is new, and all, but because I considered him a serious relationship candidate at one point. I was after him, for a bit, last year.

Now, not so much.

Also, I would have to shave my legs. *sigh* And drive to Denver. Dammit.

Then other options...First Fridays at the gay bar downtown, I've ruled that out because I'm not even sure it's a gay bar still, it's under new management and they aren't being as kind to our crowd as they used to. There is talk of looking for a new venue for that event. I'm not so keen.

And as an alternative, starting last month, Voodoo (my home dungeon) is opening its doors for a social gathering. I might go to that. I don't know who will be there. I don't know if I'll be insufferable and just sit around talking about how wonderful Zen is.

I can handle the temptation of Sabre without giving in to it, and it would be fun to take my Cards Against Humanity (huge collection with expansions and bootleg tributes, but pared down to only the funniest cards)...since the party in Denver isn't just a play party, and such games are welcome.

So... Denver's the most fun, but a drive. Or Voodoo if I want a quieter and closer outing just to get out of the house and hang with some people.

Or I could stay home and do laundry...

Decisions, decisions.

And then tomorrow, there is a Medieval party at Voodoo. Now that I am REALLY not sure about. I just kinda don't want to go play without Zen there anymore. And that's weird to me, but it's...there. I feel like my NRE insanity is calming quite a bit, but I am still full of desire for his presence and it feels like everything or anything will be better if he's sharing it with me. And kind of lame if he's not.

In other news, my kiddo, Q, busted his finger. Soccer ball jammed it. We had to go to urgent care today and do x-rays. Now he has a metal splint thing taped on there. He says it doesn't even hurt, but it was all swollen. Then we met up with Zen for Ihop. I'm really glad urgent care is a thing that exists now. I remember when I was 15, if you couldn't see your regular doc and you couldn't wait for an appointment, your only option was the ER. And if you weren't dying, that meant you'd be sitting there for like 10 hours, and it would probably cost a fortune.

Last night we had an orchestra concert and that was cool. First concert with Q in his new high school. I thought they did very well. Of course, they performed vaguely Halloween themed music and that is sort of my thing. I have a tremendous collection of Halloween appropriate mp3s. They played "Night on Bald Mountain." I love that one.