Feels like a mess

P

paradegames

New member
Hi all. So I feel like I am in a mess of a situation that I don't know how to handle. My husband and I have been in an open marriage for about a year. Recently, we were both dating other people and we both developed strong feelings for our other partners. We both loved the other partner.

Then my partner ended our relationship. But my husband and his girlfriend are still going strong. I am not handling it well. I did not handle the rejection from my partner well, although I'm pretty much over that at this point. But I'm not handling the fact that my husband is in love with another woman well now at all.

Before, when I was similarly engaged in another relationship, I was fine with it all. And now ... I spend about 80% of my time thinking about his relationship and how much it hurts and why won't he end it or take a break. He's said he would end it if I vetoed it and told him to send her away. But really what he wants is MORE openness. He wants me to meet her, embrace her, have her be a part of our lives.

I didn't go into this wanting to be polyamorous. I wanted to experiment and be able to pull out at any point, but it feels too deep now. If I tell him to end it with her, I risk hurting him by taking away someone he loves, and having him be resentful of me for doing that.

The rational side of me says that I am a hypocrite and I should just let it go and be happy for him. Another part of me feels hurt and lonely. These two parts are at war ALL OF THE TIME in my head.

I need something to change, because I have been stuck in this spot for months. I told him how much I've been hurting the other day, and he was very sympathetic and kind, and then he went out a few days later to spend time with her, which drove me batty.

I know there's a chance y'all could be harsh with me -- I'm not afraid to hear it like it is, but please know that I am really trying to make this work and really trying to stop this battle within myself.

Thanks for listening.
 
It doesn't have to be an all/nothing thing, no? Perhaps you could ask him to spend more time with you while you are feeling vulnerable?

On a "relationship hack" kind of note, sometimes when I want to feel MORE loved by my partner, like I am the PRIORITY, like I MATTER, I just make playful demands that he can easily fulfill and it gives me an instant boost. Can be something as simple as eating some specific food, asking him to cook, a back massage, specific kind/position of sex, chocolate, trip.... whatever seems suitable in the moment for instant gratification. A DEMAND. Not high stakes, high pressure "or else" stuff. More playful - an opportunity to state that I need more loving and a very noticeable way of receiving it, so it registers in my mood. I've even on occasion told him I need to feel more special and therefore he has to do this.

Probably won't work if done too often or if your partner isn't the type to like it, but used judiciously, it is just goofy pampering on demand.

On a profound scale, it doesn't hit very high, but it feels great and really works as a quick fix and my guy finds it difficult to guess how I am feeling sometimes, so he grabs suggestions with both hands so eagerly, that it is its own reward to see him so eager to find something to do for me. And most of the times, feeling well loved ends whatever doubtful or insecure mood I'm in. Particularly if I know it is irrational but I feel it anyway.
 
Stop beating up yourself for how you feel. We can't help how we feel. Just because you feel a certain way does not make you a hypocrite. You're human! I think being more compassionate with yourself would be a good place to start! In my experience, it is easier to feel compersion when things are going well for me and in my relationship with Blue. On the other hand, when other things in my life are stressing me out, it's harder to feel compersion and security. Practicing compassion with myself helps. Another thing that helps is reminding myself that these feelings are usually temporary.

Next thing, I think trying to take a break from thinking about it so much could help. Try using mindfulness techniques to keep you in the moment and out of your head. Do you and your husband date and romance one another? I find that helps, too.

I think it's a good thing that you recognize that using a veto would be hurtful to your husband and detrimental to your relationship. I'm not at all a fan of vetos.

Last thing, you say your husband would like you to meet his girlfriend. Have you considered doing that? I know everyone has different thoughts on how much interaction metamores should have, but for me, meeting my metamores really helps. It makes them more human and less scary.....even it we don't become bffs.
 
Thank you for your responses. It feels totally calming to come someplace to discuss this. I literally have no one in my life who gets it. I feel like if I told people in my life, they'd say the answer would simply be to shut it all down. But that doesn't feel right at all.

I like the idea of making playful demands. That might work.

I am not sure I want to meet this gal yet. She really wants to meet me. But she's also told my husband that if our relationship wasn't as strong as it is, she'd be trying to break us up. Which, to me, feels like a passive way of saying she'd like to break us up. If I meet her, I want to be in a good mindframe. I don't want to be mean or bitchy.

My husband does a lot to reassure me that he's not going anywhere. I am not really worried about that. I can't really pinpoint WHY I'm so worked up, but maybe being more accepting of where I'm at is a good start.
 
paradegames said:
... But she's also told my husband that if our relationship wasn't as strong as it is, she'd be trying to break us up. Which, to me, feels like a passive way of saying she'd like to break us up. If I meet her, I want to be in a good mindframe. I don't want to be mean or bitchy.
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I think you have received good advice from others but I want to focus on this. To me this may be "sloppy hinge" stuff - she may feel this way (we can't help how we feel) but the only reasons, if any, for your husband to relay this to you are a.) to make you "jealous" or guarded (I hope this is not the case) or b.) to let you know that this came up and he immediately shut it down, and she understood - to somehow "reassure" you that this wasn't going to happen.

Early on, Dude used to say things along the lines of "if only" we could be alone, together, forever...etc. I quickly shot that down, any allusion to MrS not being in my life - NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Quite honestly, I think that we are trained to mutter "one and only" thoughts as "romantic" - poly turns that on it's head but it is a hard habit to break.
 
If you can trace the hurt and lonely feelings to their source, i know they are happening all the time but are there specific things that set them off? That could give you ideas of things he could do for you, and you could do for yourself to feel more comfortable. Having those kinds of thoughts so much must interfere with your daily activities, if daily life is full of dark thoughts you might want to look into counseling, it could be depression.

Was your husband there for you during your break up? Did you reqest and get extra attention? How much time does your husband spend with his girlfriend? You say you are pretty much over the break up but it seems to me it is still affecting your self confidence and emotional equilibrium. Maybe you should ask your husband to avoid too much discussion of his other relationship. He can just say things are fine or whatever is appropriate.

Leetah
 
It feels totally calming to come someplace to discuss this. I literally have no one in my life who gets it.
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Is it that you need some "just broke up" support?

And because you are not "out" to people in real life, you cannot lean on your friends and family to obtain that support?

So the default support person for you ends up being your husband? And he has to balance his time across time alone for himself, time with you, and time with his GF? Like he can give you 5 lbs of support and be healthy, but you actually have 20 lbs to unload. So there's still 15 lbs to go?

Can you talk to a counselor? Maybe open up to a few friends so the next time sometime this happens you have more of a support network locally?

I could be wrong. But to me you sound sad and feeling "stranded" with no support network. Like maybe you are wanting companionship or something. Could taking a need inventory help you articulate what it is you need? Is it that you are feeling left out and want some extra connection time with husband?

Need someone to talk more with you about the break up? Something else?

Galagirl
 
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Yeah, I definitely think a lack of support is one of my issues. I lost my job earlier this year, my husband and I are dealing with some challenging parenting issues, and this open marriage experiment feels like it went haywire and we're in a place I didn't expect. I keep thinking, I didn't want to be polyamorous. I just wanted to be experimental.

But. Here we are. I feel like my choice is to embrace it, shut it all down and make him sad, or split up. And none of those options feel good. But I acknowledge that it all felt good when I had a similar thing going.
 
You could try to find a middle way. Allow yourself the uncomfortable feelings about polyamory but without dwelling on them. You have an awful lot going on which needs your attention and for which you need your husband's attention. You could focus on what support you need in parenting, job hunting, dealing with the reduced income etc. Those are issues you can get outside support and sympathy for as well as talking to your husband about how the two of you can cope.

When you had the support and distraction of your outside partner you felt ok. Now you are without while your husband still has his support and distraction. Naturally you feel left out and envious. Since you know depriving him is unfair you could ask him for help filling the lack. Have you still been using the time you used to spend with your boyfriend to do things you enjoy? It is unfair to you if you are not. If money is tight I imagine your husband has reduced his spending on dates but that should not preclude you from spending a fair share of any spare money on fun for you.

You seem to have your head on straight even if your emotions are dizzying.

Leetah
 
I'm sorry. I remember the time when I was at war with myself about polyamory. It settled months after making a final decision, and I needed psychological support. The good news is, they did settle.
The rational side of me says that I am a hypocrite and I should just let it go and be happy for him. Another part of me feels hurt and lonely. These two parts are at war ALL OF THE TIME in my head.
...
I am really trying to make this work and really trying to stop this battle within myself.
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Sometimes, we try to hard in our heads. The trying adds to the struggle.

The only strategy I found when I was immersed in nre that could no be lived - and thus thinking about the conflict obsessively all the time - was to just let the thoughts run through my head as they are. Trying to stop thinking didn't work at all. Surrendering to the thoughts, relaxing, focusing at my wish and not the problems with it, did help.

I second the advice to find your most suitable mindfulness/relaxation/meditation method. Or sports (not my cup of tea, I admit ;)) These things bring your awareness into the body and away from your thoughts.

paradegames said:
Yeah, I definitely think a lack of support is one of my issues. I lost my job earlier this year, my husband and I are dealing with some challenging parenting issues, and this open marriage experiment feels like it went haywire and we're in a place I didn't expect.
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I think being unemployed contributes to your state. The routine and the demands of daily work help to provide a distraction from relationships. A little at least.
When you have more time, and perhaps lack socialization, you feel like you need more of your partner then if you are immersed in work.
Also, you might be transferring some of your discontent about other areas of your life into the one are which "could change most easily", and by that I mean "getting rid" of the meta, which makes you unhappy. See, maybe if you two weren't polyamorous, you would be stressing about not being able to find a job - in a maybe less intense but similar way. Now everything goes to poly.
As hard as it must be, can you find more things to do that fulfill you?

There is also a little harsh part to what I want to say:
paradegames said:
But my husband and his girlfriend are still going strong. ...
I need something to change, because I have been stuck in this spot for months. I told him how much I've been hurting the other day, and he was very sympathetic and kind, and then he went out a few days later to spend time with her, which drove me batty.
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How often are they together? I was a little surprised by "a few days"... does it mean, he's actually not spending that much time with her at all? Like a few hours once a week?

Also, are you equating being sympathetic with an obligation to act on your feelings? He can be perfectly understanding, yet still not feeling guilty for "making you" feel a certain way. Understanding doesn't mean he should break up. At the very least, as a hinge, he has now responsibility 1) to make sure he is ok himself (and thus able to be a partner in two relationships), and 2) to tend to the both of you. As a secondary I must say, it is quite likely that not seeing him for a long time does make her as upset as you are when he is seeing her.

Nothing wrong with being angry even if "for the wrong reasons", but did you specifically ask him not to see her for X days? Did he agree? If not, it was in fact your own unspoken expectations that made you feel angry. Unspoken expectations have the power to do that. Don't expect your partner to mindread your unspoken expectations - speak up and see if he can agree or not.

I hope you'll get ok soon enough.
 
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Hi paradegames,

Is there something, besides breaking up with the other woman, that your husband could do (more of) to help you feel better? such as spend quality time with you, say words of affirmation to you, do acts of service for you, give you gifts, and/or physically touch you? These are things he could do without breaking up with the other woman.

Other than that, I would just echo what the others have said.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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