How to react when your husband knocks up another woman?

[Lou32]

Hey people! Its impossible to talk to friends about certain things going on in my marriage. I was searching the internet for something I can relate to so I found this forum.

Over a year ago or so at work when I was chatting with my best work colleague/friend we were having a bit of a laugh about our previous sex lives and men. My husband has been asking about a threesome with another woman for ages even long before we got married but I've never liked the idea as I'm just not sexually attracted to women at all. However! I invited her to his birthday party at our house, she's a very attractive young woman so I knew he'd probably like her, so I introduced them and the attraction between them was there instantly. She always said how she thought how very sexy he is when I showed hher our family facebook photos.

Then when I was talking with her the next day we agreed that I'd let her sleep with him only if she agrees to promise to never steal him from me in the future no matter how serious it may get.

For the last year he has been staying at her apartment for the night perhaps on average most Friday or Saturday nights. I actually found it a huge turn on knowing he was with her. Its not normal I know but I really liked it.

The thing now though is she's five months pregnant. She told me she never missed the timing of taking the pill each morning but I think she just stopped taking it, as I remember her saying how super cute our toddler boys are and how they are obviously his babies they look so much like him she even said she is so broody she'd love to have a baby followed with how my husband is so perfect. I admit I was feeling jealous when she said that. So then I went serious I told her to find herself another man for that as that would be crossing the line.

Last month he confessed she's pregnant. My heart instantly sank into my tummy. I just thought she has been planning this all along I was well annoyed with her. She said nothing to me, she's been quiet with me at work lately so I now I know why. Yesterday she told him she went for her ultrasound and said she's having a girl, he has the scan photo of it. He is overjoyed as he has always wanted a daughter as he already has four boys - two each with me and his ex.

My head is a mess as he is spending more time with her. He still spends most days at our house but I can sense he loves her. He is 43 though, I'm 32, she's 25, she's very beautiful she looks very fit more so than me. We've been married for 9 years he was my 2nd I love him more than anything. He said last night before we made love that he will never leave me for her he loves me more than anything. But I'm sure he loves us both. And to be honest I actually really like it. I just don't want to lose him if he ends up having a "normal" relationship with her.

When I was at work earlier, for the first time I could see her belly looked bigger than usual. I have never felt so jealous in my entire life. He is my husband not hers. Sigh!!! I don't know how to feel.

 

[BlueShoes]

There's no instructions for how to feel or what to do.

In your shoes, I would be pretty angry with him. Did he discuss contraception with you? Did he talk about having barrier-free sex? Was there any conversation between you and him about pregnancy risk?

A new child is a big thing. What are the custody arrangements going to look like? What are his child support obligations going to be? How will that affect you, and your children?

As a practical suggestion that may seem tangential - do you want to consider finding a different job? It may be that whatever happens, you'd appreciate a little more space between you and your husband's other gf right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Maybe you do not want to REACT. You might want to take some time to digest and RESPOND from a thoughtful place and not just fly off the handle.

The feelings I see in your post? Maybe it helps you to see them grouped so you can give them a percentage. Like 50% Fear, 20% angry, etc so you can figure out which one to deal with first?

FEAR OF LOSS

• we agreed that I'd let her sleep with him only if she agrees to promise to never steal him from me in the future no matter how serious it may get.
• He said last night before we made love that he will never leave me for her he loves me more than anything....I just don't want to lose him if he ends up having a "normal" relationship with her.

COMPERSION

• For the last year he has been staying at her apartment for the night perhaps on average most Friday or Saturday nights. I actually found it a huge turn on knowing he was with her.
• I'm sure he loves us both. And to be honest I actually really like it.
• Yesterday she told him she went for her ultrasound and said she's having a girl, he has the scan photo of it. He is overjoyed as he has always wanted a daughter as he already has four boys - two each with me and his ex. (Sounds like you WANT to be happy for him there... but maybe holding back on that because this was unplanned pregnancy and you have fear of loss? Or you wanted to be the first to give him a daughter?)

ANGER

• Last month he confessed she's pregnant. My heart instantly sank into my tummy. I just thought "she has been planning this all along." I was well annoyed with her. (Fear of loss again... you thinking she's out to "get you" by "stealing" him)
• Not sure why you are seem only angry with her. And not also angry at husband also for not holding up HIS end of birth control responsibilities. BC is not just the women's job. One cannot be "stolen" like that. He has not been kidnapped here. He was careless in not putting a condom on. Then he's protected from unplanned pregnancy whether or not she's holding up her end with BC pills.

JEALOUSY AND/OR ENVY

I am not sure which you mean. To me...

Jealous = I am scared someone will take something I have
Envy = I want something someone else has

So the blue comments here are me asking for clarification.

• She said she is so broody she'd love to have a baby followed with how my husband is so perfect. I admit I was feeling jealous when she said that. So then I went serious I told her to find herself another man for that as that would be crossing the line. (You have the husband, you are scared she will steal him away.)
• When I was at work earlier, for the first time I could see her belly looked bigger than usual. I have never felt so jealous in my entire life. He is my husband not hers. (Do you mean envy there? Envious = someone else has something you want for you. Are you wanting to be pregnant and give him the daughter he always wanted? )

You seem to ID your feelings mostly ok. Just maybe not grouping them.

What is your desired outcome? What would you like to have happen?

• Have them apologize for the thoughtless/careless way they behaved with BC and bringing an unplanned child into the world like this?
• Have them apologize for leaving you in the dark for this long and not including you in family planning when the presence of a child between them affects you and the already present children?
• Something else?

Galagirl

 

[Lou32]

He did ask before anything happening if I was okay with him not using condoms with her. I was fine with it as she told me she was on the pill and then I think the day after their first time together I asked her that if she does have sex with another man to please use a condom with him, which she agreed.

I suppose I do feel happy for him that he is having his first daughter as he has wanted since before we decided to settle down. But that's as far as that goes. Its just the implications of what happens next? as both sides of our families will find out he has basically been unfaithful to me, so then I'll have to appear to forgive him and take him back whilst my family will probably constantly badger for me to divorce him.

My problem is, that, I'm certain she was in it just to have his baby it was her goal all along. How she feels about him now I really do feel she loves him because she is so distant with me these days, she can't look me in the eye for long without looking away about anything. We used to talk like we were best friends.

As for the outcome. I just don't know. I'd love to stay friends with her, a part of me wants to tell her she should have got an abortion but then that would make me sound like the evil one, as at the end of the day I was the one who brought them together so its like my fault, lol??

Our families don't know yet, I'm not looking forward to pretending he's been unfaithful and what not. Its our two boys I'm concerned about, try keep them out of it as much as I can.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat what I hear in my own words so I know i got that how you mean it, ok? You correct me if I am wrong.

THINGS I LIKE/WANT

• I like him loving both of us.
• I think she loves him. I want to be happy about that. (I don't want to be thinking she used him somehow.)
• I miss talking with her as friends. I want to stay friends.
• I am concerned about our two boys. I want to keep them out of any drama from my/his family as much as I can.

None of that is horrible. Talk to your spouse and friend to see if they share these wants so all of you can pull together on those points.

THINGS I STRUGGLE WITH

• I do not think this was an "Oops" pregnancy. I think she was planning it all along and used him and me somewhat. (Was she? Or is this your fear of loss talking? At some point you seem to have trusted her to be the one in charge of BC with outsiders, and you, her, and him being fluid bonded together through him.)

• Had I known sooner I would have asked them to consider abortion rather than deal with an unplanned pregnancy at this time. I feel bad about that preference though.

It's ok to prefer what you prefer. Don't feel bad about having some preferences. But don't grind on it -- that ship sailed. Too late now at 5 months to abort, and they sound like they want to keep baby rather than give up for adoption. So no point in bringing up things that do not apply to your current situation. Move it forward and deal with the things that DO apply here right now.

• We are not "out" to our families. They do not know we practice Open marriage. Not sure how they will take it.

Could be Out then. Find out how they take it.

THINGS I DO NOT WANT TO DO

• I don't want to pretend he cheated on me and that I forgive him and I'm taking him back. Then be me listening to my family badger me to divorce him.

Then don't pretend he cheated. Come out and state that you guys practice Open marriage and you are dealing with a new pregnancy and would like their patience and understanding. And if they cannot muster that right now, then just some basic silence while you work things out at your house.

To me it sounds like in this post your biggest concern is "What will other people think?" and "I'm not ready to be Out!"

You sound like you want to continue the V with your friend and husband. Just wishing there wasn't this unplanned pregnancy rushing you along faster on some points -- like being out to relatives.

Is that it?

Galagirl

 

[breathemusic]

If he's going to have a kid with this woman and ALSO continue to have a relationship with her.... why pretend he's been unfaithful? Why not just be out about the fact that he also has a g/f on the side and that you're aware of it? Family is already going to react terribly to the idea of him cheating, so it probably can't be much worse if the news is just that he has a g/f that you approved of. At least then YOU don't have to maintain his lie!

Also, he and her should absolutely set up some sort of child custody agreement. Regardless of whether they're in a relationship, who knows what might happen down the road. There is a lot to work through right now.

 

[CTF]

I agree with the others. If this wasn't cheating (the relationship itself), then there's no need to pretend to everyone else that it was. As unpleasant as the family may take it, at least they'd be forced to think twice about pressuring you to divorce due to being cheated on.

One question I have. (I didn't see it mentioned, so forgive me if it was & I simply overlooked it), when did your husband find out about the pregnancy? Was he keeping this a secret from you for a period of time as well?

I'm guess that she waited until being far enough into the 2nd trimester to tell you in order to silence the abortion discussion. I could be wrong, but I've seen people wait to give the news to other people (not due to your type of circumstance exactly) before. I'm also guessing that she doesn't want to look at you because she doesn't want the uncomfortable discussions to take place.

I don't exactly have any advice, other than to suggest to look into yourself & really try to figure out what YOU want.

 

[Lou32]

Galagirl you must be a a professional you hit the nail on the head on everything.
I suppose what it boils down to is, we can not "come out" to our families that we are in such an open relationship.
She getting pregnant has just overly complicated everything.

I personally am 100% fine sharing him with her, she's perhaps the sweetest lovely girl I've ever known, and she's physically very attractive so I suppose I don't blame him... I'm 100% straight and yet I still find her attractive.

He will have to face the brunt from my family about sleeping with her. As none of our families would look at us the same way again if we "came out" with the truth.

She has a 2 bedroom apartment, like he said their baby will have her own bedroom at least so its not like anyone will have to struggle in life.

I don't like to sound like I'm a bitch or anything of any kind. But from my intuition I know that she purposely wanted to get pregnant by him. Obviously I can't prove it, I have to help support them instead.

 

[Lou32]

One question I have. (I didn't see it mentioned, so forgive me if it was & I simply overlooked it), when did your husband find out about the pregnancy? Was he keeping this a secret from you for a period of time as well?

Apparently she was waiting to see if she'd miscarry during the first three months, she didn't tell him until she was 16 or 17 weeks gone, she didn't actually tell him instead he asked her if she had put any weight on and then she confessed.
It had took him about two weeks to tell me he wasn't sure how to tell me.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helped some.

from my intuition I know that she purposely wanted to get pregnant by him.

Well, it isn't so much intuition and she pretty much was hinting children are important to her with all this.

I remember her saying how super cute our toddler boys are and how they are obviously his babies they look so much like him. She even said she is so broody she'd love to have a baby followed with how my husband is so perfect.

But before she could work up to asking about babies in this relatively new "V" picture, you shut it down with this:

I admit I was feeling jealous when she said that. So then I went serious I told her to find herself another man for that as that would be crossing the line.

I'm not saying it is right to be careless with BC and go making big life changing decisions like babies without consulting the other people it would affect. She could have been more courageous and had the conversation with you and him about children ANYWAY just to be clear and on the same page.

At the same time, I think YOU could have been more courageous and asked the question directly -- "Sounds like you admire my husband. And children are important to you. Are you thinking about kids with him? Is that something we need to talk about?" Rather than avoid having that conversation because you fear losing him by shutting the whole thing down.

You contributed a bit there with the reacting too fast to the jealous feelings rather than talking it out. When you became a stone wall, the options to talk things out ahead of time shrink. So sometimes people do dumb stuff because they are avoiding having to deal with things they are afraid to deal with.

She was afraid to be honest and deal with your response to her wanting children by him at some point in time.

Well, sounds a lot like you. You are afraid to be honest and come Out, and deal with you family's response to you being in an Open marriage.

I could be wrong. But you both seem to be avoidant. If so? You both could work on being more direct and assertive maybe, and stop with the avoid-y thing because it doesn't serve anyone well. Not wanting to deal with something and secretly wishing it would just go away by magic or something.

Obviously I can't prove it, I have to help support them instead.

Well, since you seem to want to pull together and continue in the V and be friends?

• You could choose to assume positive intent rather than negative intent. Stop thinking that she was plotting against you all along.
  
• Or if she made mistakes in judgement and was all avoid-y in telling about her condition wishing she would miscarry until options kept shrinking away... you could choose to forgive.
  
• All could choose to agree that from this point FORWARD you all will strive to take a higher road about things. Be more assertive and not so avoidant.

Could start by coming out to the families and NOT be adding to the crazy with pretending he cheated and you forgave him. Pretending stuff that is not true is not taking a high road.

Faith is having the confidence that action rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even if you cannot see how at the moment.

If you cannot figure out what to do right now? Do your self care, be as calm as possible. Eat, sleep -- cover the basics. Like in a plane crash you put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. Each one of you do you own self care.

Then take care of children -- the boys, and this pending daughter. Get custody papers and all that sorted, plan the birth, health care costs, etc.

Then work together as you 3, as the "inner ring" adults. Get longer term support together -- a counselor, friends, family you can trust. Talk about how you want to be from this point on in the V and eventually... revisit the kid convo. Is this is? More kids wanted? Can they be planned better next time? Or can we talk about permanent BC like vasectomy?

The family you do not feel safe around that make you want to lie? Well, you know already you don't feel safe around them! Don't lie. But don't be counting on them for anything and maintain your boundaries around them. If they want to badger you? Say no thanks.

Polite: "Thank you for your concern. But you don't need to worry yourself for my sake. I am capable of handling my life and my life choices. This topic is not up for discussion."

Less Polite: "Mind your own beeswax. Don't tell me how to live my life. I haven't asked for your advice."

Get up and walk away from the conversation ambush. You don't have to take badgering from people on your outer most ring of closeness. You don't have to take it from anyone.

Don't be making THEM and what they think the center ring thing in your life. Make what YOU want and what YOU need your primary concerns. You seem to want to be in a functional V raising some kids. So... sort that out with the actual stakeholder adults, and let the peanut gallery deal with itself.

Galagirl

 

[PinkPig]

May I ask why you can't come out to your families? Is it just fear of judgment and disapproval preventing you, or are there tangible reasons? Coming out may not be a bad idea...especially if you also date or would like to potentially date in the future?

As for clearing the air amongst the three of you, can you request a meeting with your hubby and his gf to discuss their plan for the future and maybe clear the air between you and gf?

 

[Lou32]

Doria cove

There is no way I'm allowing anyone we know that I allowed him to have sex with my friend. Some people are into such humiliation but I am not.

He knows he's be hard-pressed to find another woman who would allow him to bed his wife's friend. But to knock her up is just plain... humiliating I suppose.

 

[Lou32]

May I ask why you can't come out to your families? Is it just fear of judgment and disapproval preventing you, or are there tangible reasons? Coming out may not be a bad idea...especially if you also date or would like to potentially date in the future?

As for clearing the air amongst the three of you, can you request a meeting with your hubby and his gf to discuss their plan for the future and maybe clear the air between you and gf?

Everyone I know would vastly disapprove of "coming out" with an open relationship, its plain not right even for un-married couples, you are mental if you allow your man to see another woman.
I love how you word your message though, it sounds exactly like current homosexual lifestyles as if its so normal - which these days it is accepted because its law to do so. But poly / open relationships are not, sadly.

As to your suggestion question. That's probably what we will do anyway I guess.

 

[GalaGirl]

You participate in a V and give your consent. You enjoy him loving you both. That sounds like you believe loving more than 1 is ok by you.

If it is NOT ok by you, because you find it "humiliating" for him to have another lover concurrent with you... why do you consent?

I suppose a another approach to the problem might be to NOT come out to the families. NOT disclose this is his child at this time.

Make private agreements amongst yourselves. List you both as godparents or something. Then you can be close with the child without people bugging you to your face.

They might still whisper and wonder, esp if you guys are tight and if the child looks like him but maybe you can deal with that better because it "saves face?" And spares you the outright badgering/ostracizing you seem to fear?

Are there any other solutions you would be more ok with?

I happen to think people can live how they want to live and love how they want to love. But not everyone is fortunate to live in a space that is supportive of that. So people have to figure out how to make do/pass/lay low sometimes.

Galagirl

 

[Lou32]

Sorry, have just seen your message pop here, ok I'll respond to every question:

Glad it helped some.

Well, it isn't so much intuition and she pretty much was hinting children are important to her with all this.
Well, if you want to have a baby by a married man you'd at least ask if it it was ok for his sperm to work as intended, no? surely just assuming going bareback with him is not a sign that they are okay with having unplanned pregnancies?
But before she could work up to asking about babies in this relatively new "V" picture, you shut it down with this:

I'm not saying it is right to be careless with BC and go making big life changing decisions like babies without consulting the other people it would affect. She could have been more courageous and had the conversation with you and him about children ANYWAY just to be clear and on the same page.
Well yes you are 100% correct. But if you want to have a baby with someone then you ask them first, rather than have sex first then ask questions later, no?

At the same time, I think YOU could have been more courageous and asked the question directly -- "Sounds like you admire my husband. And children are important to you. Are you thinking about kids with him? Is that something we need to talk about?" Rather than avoid having that conversation because you fear losing him by shutting the whole thing down.
I get your point, however, having a child is a strong commitment. He is a married men so obviously no woman should be seeking to have his child other than his wife. I could tell that she was fancied him a lot and vice-versa, we as humans do not have sex just to procreate, we have sex for pleasure only unless otherwise stated.

You contributed a bit there with the reacting too fast to the jealous feelings rather than talking it out. When you became a stone wall, the options to talk things out ahead of time shrink. So sometimes people do dumb stuff because they are avoiding having to deal with things they are afraid to deal with.
A bit like how she reacted too fast to getting pregnant by a married man, just because his wife agreed to let her have sex with him? ...really?
She was afraid to be honest and deal with your response to her wanting children by him at some point in time.

Well, sounds a lot like you. You are afraid to be honest and come Out, and deal with you family's response to you being in an Open marriage.
Of course I'm afraid to "come out" about letting my man have sex with another woman. Unlike gay people, open minded relations are not still accepted, by a long shot.

I could be wrong. But you both seem to be avoidant. If so? You both could work on being more direct and assertive maybe, and stop with the avoid-y thing because it doesn't serve anyone well. Not wanting to deal with something and secretly wishing it would just go away by magic or something.
Both I'm not sure, to be honest he seems over the moon she's having a girl. Personally though, how the hell am I supposed to explain this to anyone. "Hey guys I let my husband have sex with my friend, its okay, just chill, and by the way she's having his baby as well which I am so happy for them, it was planned and everything". I don't think would go down too well.

Well, since you seem to want to pull together and continue in the V and be friends?
Bingo, though I'm just so annoyed at her.

• You could choose to assume positive intent rather than negative intent. Stop thinking that she was plotting against you all along.
  Yes, I should... be obvious to anyone and everything regardless of innocence or threat.
  
• Or if she made mistakes in judgement and was all avoid-y in telling about her condition wishing she would miscarry until options kept shrinking away... you could choose to forgive.
  Yes, I suppose I'd have to do that, wouldn't I.
  
• All could choose to agree that from this point FORWARD you all will strive to take a higher road about things. Be more assertive and not so avoidant.
  Agree

Could start by coming out to the families and NOT be adding to the crazy with pretending he cheated and you forgave him. Pretending stuff that is not true is not taking a high road.
No chance. We are very open minded, hence why I let him not only have sex with another woman, but with my friend. I appreciate your logic but the world does not accpt poly relationships, yet.

Faith is having the confidence that action rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even if you cannot see how at the moment.
Agree.

Then take care of children -- the boys, and this pending daughter. Get custody papers and all that sorted, plan the birth, health care costs, etc.
Will do.

Then work together as you 3, as the "inner ring" adults. Get longer term support together -- a counselor, friends, family you can trust. Talk about how you want to be from this point on in the V and eventually... revisit the kid convo. Is this is? More kids wanted? Can they be planned better next time? Or can we talk about permanent BC like vasectomy?
This is long er term thinking, we are no where near there yet. If at all.

The family you do not feel safe around that make you want to lie? Well, you know already you don't feel safe around them! Don't lie. But don't be counting on them for anything and maintain your boundaries around them. If they want to badger you? Say no thanks.
But I love my family. I simply can not ignore them from my life just because I'm allowing my husband to have sex with my friend.

Galagirl

 

[Lou32]

You participate in a V and give your consent. You enjoy him loving you both. That sounds like you believe loving more than 1 is ok by you.
Yes
If it is NOT ok by you, because you find it "humiliating" for him to have another lover concurrent with you... why do you consent?
I consent if people we are close to do not know. I suppose, kind of like gay people laws these days, if society views are changed so that "open relationships" were accepted then I would be happy with that.

I suppose a another approach to the problem might be to NOT come out to the families. NOT disclose this is his child at this time.
Hence it is the problem we have to deal with. For people to accept us, I have to tell people my husband cheated on me, which I then will say I forgive him (strong woman!).

Make private agreements amongst yourselves. List you both as godparents or something. Then you can be close with the child without people bugging you to your face.
I don't think it would work. The baby will have my husband name on her birth certificate so she will know who her father is.

They might still whisper and wonder, esp if you guys are tight and if the child looks like him but maybe you can deal with that better because it "saves face?" And spares you the outright badgering/ostracizing you seem to fear
Yes, this is, mainly, my fear.

Are there any other solutions you would be more ok with?

I happen to think people can live how they want to live and love how they want to love. But not everyone is fortunate to live in a space that is supportive of that. So people have to figure out how to make do/pass/lay low sometimes.
I agree but society does not agree.

Galagirl

I'm tired, I am going to bed.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lou32,

It sounds like the three of you need to sit down and talk about the future. For instance, who will be responsible for this now-unborn child, and how will they carry out this responsibility? Will your husband spend time at your work friend's house to babysit? When and for how long?

What about the idea of the three of you living together? Like, sell it as your work friend is your tenant, for the sake of the child? Just a thought.

Sorry you find yourself caught in this sticky situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Spork]

Wow.

First of all, understand that some of us on this forum, have lived PROUDLY OUT with regard to poly. We don't find it humiliating or shameful at ALL.

Understand that your undertones of disgust and shame are...pretty unpleasant.

And I can tell you right now, that I decided not to hide who I am, I came out about being poly (I had FOUR relationships--there was me, a boyfriend and a married couple who formed a quad, and there was me and another man forming a couple off to the side of that...I ended up staying with him, and going on as friends with the other three in the end) at work AND to family. I work for a big international firm that does accounting and auditing work, where I hold an exclusive and well paid position. And while I tested the waters gradually with certain coworkers to make sure they weren't really uncomfortable about it, I told many of them.

And I told my family. From my cat lady mother to my ultra conservative and religious little brother.

And guess what? No one judged me or tried to humiliate me. No one. Because I was happy.

You're not happy right now. The thing you thought was ok as a secret has had repercussions that you find seriously threatening. And I think that you are piling bad thoughts on top of bad thoughts to state your case for your grievance, saying that it is HUMILIATING to you. Well guess what...this alternative you propose, is frankly disgusting to me, where you LETTING your husband sleep with your friend, wasn't.

You know why?

Not only are you LYING to your families, you are doing it to protect your own precious dignity in this at the expense of his. Rather they think he's a cheating dog, who wronged poor innocent you, than think that you consented to something so unusual. You come out smelling like a rose, after dumping it all on him. Is that your way of punishing him for putting you in this situation? It does not seem very fair to me.

Yes, what your friend did was deceptive and wrong, and now you're in a huge mess that you've got to figure out, and it SUCKS. You are a victim in this, of her duplicity and selfishness.

But it is my opinion that if you do as you've suggested and lie to your family, ruining his reputation to save your own, you're doing a huge damage to your marriage, and it's going to cause nothing but problems.

So...I'm sorry if you find it humiliating to be polyamorous, but I'll tell you right now that if you said to people, "I chose this, it made all of us happy, and I'd rather be happy than normal"...they probably would not be as judgy as you think.

Now if you are actually afraid of some kind of actual ABUSE from your family finding out the truth, or maybe the withdrawal of an inheritance or some real tangible thing, I might understand considering alternatives. But if you just think they won't love you anymore because you have made an unusual choice, I cannot imagine people who REALLY love you withdrawing their affection for such a reason.

And I really cannot get past the idea of shifting humiliation onto him to save yourself. What makes that ok?

I suggest you take some time to really think and process and get past your big upset feelings, before you decide what to tell anyone. If you really could be good with them continuing to love one another, and the V continuing to be, then you should really think about being "out."

And if you MUST tell lies, here's what I would be more comfortable with in your shoes:

"Our best friend wanted a baby, and approached us about him being a DONOR and we decided to do this for her, and now we are going to be a family!"

It at least doesn't make him look bad. It makes everyone look good.

 

[GreenAcres]

Continuing on with Spork's thoughts, with which I agree, what is going to happen if you're husband not only gets tired of bearing the brunt of the blame for this, but also tired of hearing the woman he cares about and is also the mother of his child derided (which she will be, if you say she knowingly cheated with a married man)? You agreed he could sleep with her and have a relationship with her--did none of you ever, really, talk about pregnancy? Birth control is not 100% effective, and anyone engaging in sex without two methods should, reasonably, talk about what would happen if pregnancy occurs. This conversation apparently never happened? Everyone is at fault for that. If I were your husband, I'd get pretty tired pretty quickly of being the bad guy in a situation like this.

You may believe it's not okay to get pregnant by a lover who is married simply because he is married, but that isn't necessarily the consensus among poly people. And, clearly, wasn't the case for either your husband or GF. If his relationship with her continues, she very well may want to meet his parents, and he may want her to, at some point. Being a dirty little secret doesn't generally fly for most people, especially with kids involved, long-term.

Also agreed that you guys need to work out a custody agreement. While you think it's too soon for "long term" planning, clearly, that has happened already in the vacuum of communication. You can't get a lot more "long term" that a baby. You didn't think this would happen, so didn't talk about it. Yet, it happened. Learn from that mistake, and talk about the things that could happen *before* they do: more kids, child support (because that is a thing, and he will need to use part of his income to help support that child), insurance and taxes, living arrangements, family meetings, holidays...all of it. She's in your life for good, no matter what, as long as you and he are together, because they have a child together. It's already long-term. Stop avoiding what is already happening, or there will be more unintended, unplanned drama ahead.

 

[GalaGirl]

You have a lot of layers going on. Maybe the best thing right now is to take a time out to rest first and come to problems solving with your husband and friend with a better frame of mind?

You guys have a lot to talk about and how you want to handle things. And before you even do that, you might want to get a surer footing on your own with a counselor.

I consent if people we are close to do not know. I suppose, kind of like gay people laws these days, if society views are changed so that "open relationships" were accepted then I would be happy with that.

What society does or does not do? That's not the people closet to hand. The people you deal with are you, your husband, your friend. Then the immediate families of those 3 people. That's not all of society. That's just 3 families. If the 3 families were accepting, then would you be ok and happy with that?

If, so it is not a societal issue. It's a familial issue for you. So... sort it out.

You have a lot of fears -- fear of losing relationships, fear of what other people are going to think, fear of other people looking down on you. You might consider talking to a counselor about all that. It's a heavy burden to carry. Sounds like you have been carrying it a long time -- well before this Open relationship ever even started.

In the Open relationship? The main two things that bother you are

1) She is pregnant. It's not going away.

• You have to find a way to forgive that the conception did not happen in the most ideal way to you and make peace with it if you want to continue in this V and be friends.
  
• Or you let go of wanting to be in this V. And you still have to deal with your husband being a coparent.
  
• Or you let go of this V and the husband and don't deal with any of it any more.
  

2) How "out" you want to with the families that you practice Open Marriage in light of this new baby.

• All the way out.
  
• Partially out to only certain ones.
  
• Do not tell anyone anything. "Passing" with a lie -- but WHICH lie? One that all 3 can deal with?

That is another one for you guys to sort out across you 3. What happens if 1 wants to be out, 1 doesn't care and 1 does not want to be out? How do you resolve that? You might want to work all that out with the aid of a poly counselor who has more experience in untangling complex issues.

He is a married men so obviously no woman should be seeking to have his child other than his wife.

Or he is a man who has a "no more children" agreement with his wife to uphold. HE controls his penis and every sperm that comes of it. So he uses a condom or declines sex with women who are baby crazy and don't respect that he doesn't want any more babies.

Or you are a person with a spouse and want no more children. So when your spouse asks if he can go bareback with his GF, you do NOT agree. You say "Not at this time. Not until you have a vasectomy to guarantee there's no baby chances."

But if you want to have a baby with someone then you ask them first, rather than have sex first then ask questions later, no?

Only if you want to be intentional. Some people just float along in life. And are careless.

You assumed everyone thinks like you do and believes like you do about marriage and children. Didn't have the talks and now are facing unpleasant surprises.

You did not want more babies. But you left all the BC decisions up to her. You told the husband to skip the condoms. Basically leaving the person who you suspected was wanting to have an "oops baby on purpose" in charge of the BC? How is that you being responsible for your own well being and looking out for you own interests?

Could spend all day arguing with husband and friend on who is the one who is REALLY to blame for conception. Or you could all agree everyone co-created this situation to one degree or another, forgive each other, and move on to talking about how to deal with this impending baby and how "out" you want to be to the families. The stuff currently at hand.

Not the stuff that is too late to change. Cannot un-conceive her.

Make private agreements amongst yourselves. List you both as godparents or something. Then you can be close with the child without people bugging you to your face.

I don't think it would work. The baby will have my husband name on her birth certificate so she will know who her father is.

Babies cannot read. And most people don't go looking at their birth certificates til much older. So if she knows he is daddy it is because he tells her, mom tells her, or you do. If he is firm about wanting his name on the certificate, and he wants to be known as the father? Then you basically have to be "out" then because if the baby is going around calling him "Daddy" people will notice.

If you are firm about not telling people you practice an Open marriage? Then you have to find a spin you all agree to tell. Could tell people he was the donor so the friend could have a baby and you are all happy it worked out. Could not tell the baby he is the dad until she's older and/or leave his name off. Call him "Uncle" instead or some other moniker so the baby doesn't out him. Could move elsewhere and only see the family of origins once in a while separately and don't tell them you have this other family you practice Open relationship with.

You guys have to talk and figure out how you three want to be.

People here can give you different ideas or spins. But in the end you three have to figure out what story you are going to go with.

Me? I would rather just speak my truth. It's easier to tell, easier to remember, and less fuss to deal with. I'm already out to those nearest to me that I care about --- my friends and a few relatives. They are all fine with it. The rest of the family? The worst I would get is that part of the family not talking to me and disowning me. Which is ok with me -- we aren't super close or tight anyway. I just lose boring Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners I'm already meh about anyway. Not a great loss for me.

Your family situation may be different and you may feel like you are risking giving up more.

But the thing is... are you actually happy there? You don't sound like it. You say you love you family, but you sound unhappy and really fearful to be authentic with your family. You hide a lot of yourself and shrink yourself for fear others in you family will not approve or will harass you or badger you or humiliate you. How is this a healthy familial relationship?

Shrinking yourself, walking on eggshells, and not being authentic you might help you survive this family relationship... and if that is what you have to do, then do it. I'm not judging. But you don't sound like you are thriving like that. You cannot be doing that forever.

Could you be selling them short? Are you hiding yourself and only showing a "sanitized picture of you" because you are afraid if they knew authentic you they would shun or abandon you? Which triggers your fear or loss of relationships?

I think you might be best off seeing a poly counselor to help you sort out these interrelated and complex issues with being out with your family.

I hope you get some rest, and get more support and feel better in time.

GL!
Galagirl