How to react when your husband knocks up another woman?

Pregnancy can happen even with all kinds of birth control. Doesn't matter whether she got pregnant on purpose or not, anyway -- you cannot have any say over what a woman chooses to do with her body.

I have to say, I never understand why people get all possessive and crazy about paternity and forbidding metamours to get pregnant. So, just know that what I say comes from that mindset, but maybe something will be of help - not sure.

Well, it takes a village! Hubby (and you) now needs to look at financial arrangements for child support, for his kid. I say, let go of the indignance you feel. It isn't worth getting all up in arms about - a new life is coming into the world and your husband is the father. That is the reality of the situation. You can indulge in upset or you can accept what is happening. You are married to your husband but you gave your consent to his having sex with someone else, so obviously you realized you don't own him or his penis. I think the best thing to do is stop feeling like you have been victimized by this development, forgive everyone, and move on, because you will only increase your stress if you don't. Wave the white flag with this woman, so you and she can look at each other in the eyes again.

You don't need to hide these things from your kids, btw. If you do a search here, you will find a long thread about polyamory and children, which discusses how to handle kids being aware of such things. If you cannot come out to friends, family, and co-workers about being in a poly vee, you can simply say your husband donated his sperm to her, as Spork suggested. Guys do that all the time, even if married.

Your actions (consenting to and encouraging your hubby's extramarital sex) got you to this point, so accept your role in it, embrace what happened, and be who you are without shame and hiding. It's not so bad. You might even discover that other people you know are in poly arrangements - we're everywhere!
 
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Thanks everyone for all the lovely thoughtful advice.

I've cooled off now. The three of us have had a long chat about everything. We're going to have to "come out" to our families, there's no other way. I for one am not looking forward to that.

We've been talking about a bunch of things including babysitting arrangements, we have a 4 bedroom house so it will be best if she and her baby move in with us. The responsibility of the baby is down to the three of us as we all played a part in it happening, I introduced them, I allowed him to have sex with her, I agreed to his request he wanted to go bareback with her (as she told me she was on the pill). Accidents happen, all three of us are to blame.

Just have to deal with it. Life goes on, of which soon we'll have a little girl in the family.
 
Sounds overall more positive and level headed. Good for you. I wish you luck, patience and compassion in the upcoming months.

Family reaction can be quite harsh and hard to stomach. Happened to us as well, when we introduced our respective families to our living arrangement (me and my two men). Time helps soften the cries of indignation, that are about to come your way. Good luck sitting through that.
 
I am sorry your good friend betrayed you by using your husband's sperm to get her baby, without either of your consent. That must hurt. A lot. It's sneaky and not clean.

I hope she sincerely apologises and you can forgive her. Especially if you all start living together (for the sake of the convenience of your husband/her bf sharing in childcare). Living together takes effort. Sometimes we can be friends or lovers with someone if we live apart, but behaviors and habits involved in sharing a home can be extremely annoying and cause great upset. Add in the lingering resentment that she was deceitful about using his sperm to get her baby, you all could be in for some unpleasantness. You might even inadvertently pass on your resentment of her and her baby, to your 4 boys. If living together doesn't work, perhaps just living nearby so your h can go back and forth easily will work better. Counseling with a poly friend counselor could help in making decisions.

Coming out to family, friends, at work, about an alternative living or loving choice can be tough. Yes, it's a bit easier for gay people now to come out, thanks to so many pioneers suffering the stressful and dangerous repercussions of doing it. Interracial couples also often still suffer the negative reactions of their family, friends and society. Not long ago, couples of two different religions or ethnicities also suffered. Polyamory and transgender issues are still new topics to most.

Some poly people manage to practice this love style in secret, but it's a huge effort, and can involve elaborate lies (as you are aware). Sometimes we just have to do it. Come out, and let the chips fall where they may. Know that it can take a year for even more open minded relatives and friends to accept you're poly. But sometimes one can be pleasantly surprised at the reaction of someone you were sure would condemn you. And sometimes, some people will never accept it.

Those that condemn it usually do it out of loving protective feelings for you, and from ignorance. You can inform yourself about polyamory as much as possible (read here, read Opening Up, and More Than Two), so you have good confident answers to their questions.

You can acknowledge and appreciate the love behind the condemnation. You can refuse to listen to anything you find humiliating or cruel. Hang up the phone, leave the room, leave the house. You can say, "Thank you for your concern. This is our considered choice for our family," and walk away. No good will come of very heated angry arguments. When people's initial reactions and emotions cool off, you can have more productive discussions. Hopefully love and respect will prevail.
 
I am glad you feel cooler headed.

We've been talking about a bunch of things including babysitting arrangements, we have a 4 bedroom house so it will be best if she and her baby move in with us.
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Might want to slow living together down though. It's only been a year or so dating her. "Pregnancy" part of it was going too fast, so I think there is no need to add "moving in together" too fast too. You can slow that part of it down.

Maybe do it in stages? Keep the 2 bedroom apartment for another year lease at least. Certainly have space for them in your home for when they spend the night. But sometimes husband could go over there so you catch a break.

And time so you all can see if you get along well enough together under the same roof bit by bit. Not just plunging in and then come to find you don't get along as roomies. But stuck because the apartment was let go. (And it takes time to set up a new one.)

You have the boys and their adjustments to think about too.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I am glad you feel cooler headed.



Might want to slow living together down though. It's only been a year or so dating her. "Pregnancy" part of it was going too fast, so I think there is no need to add "moving in together" too fast too. You can slow that part of it down.

Galagirl
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Yes I totally agree, we've basically just given her the option to move in whenever she's ready, as she certainly won't be able to take care of her baby by herself whilst she has a 40-hour/week job.

For now she can stay the night or weekend and slowly bring her things here over time. Hubby has already ordered us a new bed! He was sizing up how much wider the superking size bed is compared to our kingsize. And move our bed into her bedroom as its only a couple of years old.
 
I am so glad that things have calmed somewhat. I truly think that when stuff gets out of control and is very upsetting, one can get very "doomsday" and spin narratives to oneself that make it worse. (I have done this, it's not nice.)

So in the time to come...my suggestion to you...try to take things slowly. If you feel big feelings in any direction, try to give yourself time to process before blowing up. Personally, writing helps me. Asking questions as the emotional part calms, where does this feeling come from...is it really as bad as all that...what are the real pros and cons of the situation and any alternatives...what are the actual alternatives that exists...etc. One question that I would suggest you consider, maybe not today, but in the weeks to come is this: Is your choice to agree and have her move in, something you are really ok with, and can be happy in, or is it a way to reclaim control of the situation that went out of your control? I don't expect or even want you to answer that here. I would ask you to file it away to think about LATER.

My main concern would be building a situation (living together) that will become unhappy, for what seem like good reasons right now. If you feel like you're making sacrifices or you have resentments...that should be a signal to slow your roll. Ask your gut, consult your instincts. What you do not want, is a situation where you all live together and find that you cannot stand each other in a year and big drama, fighting, upset, has taken over your house. You know you don't want your children in that kind of an environment. Nor should any of you, including the GF or her child, live in disharmony.

So...yellow light, ok? Caution.

But whatever living arrangements you pursue, I do think that coming out to family (anyone who will find out anyways, in particular) is wise...and I wish you fortitude and confidence in doing that.

Remember that there is nothing inherently WRONG about extramarital love and sex if everyone consents to it. This is your life, and if that cultural morality doesn't make for a happy script, you do have the freedom to tear it up and write your own. Everyone should have that freedom. "Normal" does not always mean "right." And "unusual" does not always mean "wrong." Other people don't get to write your rules.
 
Lou32 said:
Yes I totally agree, we've basically just given her the option to move in whenever she's ready, as she certainly won't be able to take care of her baby by herself whilst she has a 40-hour/week job.
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But you don't agree! GG and I said, do not assume living together is best, and yet you say you've agreed she can move in whenever she is ready!

And if she can't take care of a baby whilst working 40 hours a week, she shouldn't have had a baby. What if your h breaks up with her?

First of all, by your language you sound English maybe? Isn't there paid parental leave? So she can stay home with her baby and get paid for X amount of weeks or months.

Secondly, why should she assume your h is going to take on half the child care? He has 4 sons. He has a full time job, I assume? Are you a SAHM?? Are YOU going to be raising her child? Can't she get her baby into a nursery or get a nanny? What is going on here?

For now she can stay the night or weekend and slowly bring her things here over time. Hubby has already ordered us a new bed! He was sizing up how much wider the superking size bed is compared to our kingsize. And move our bed into her bedroom as its only a couple of years old.
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Yikes.
 
Magdlyn said:
But you don't agree! GG and I said, do not assume living together is best, and yet you say you've agreed she can move in whenever she is ready!
Like I explained she won't move in straight away, it will be a steady transition and so after a while if we feel we like living together then she can drop her apartment if she wants.
And if she can't take care of a baby whilst working 40 hours a week, she shouldn't have had a baby. What if your h breaks up with her?
My thoughts exactly.

First of all, by your language you sound English maybe? Isn't there paid parental leave? So she can stay home with her baby and get paid for X amount of weeks or months.
Yes I'm English/British, there is paid parental leave but it lasts at the very most for 6 months after birth depending on circumstances and contract of employment. So after 6 months if you're a single mum without any other family to help babysit then child care costs are a fortune - you might as well just quit work and live off the state unless you're on a well paid income which she isn't, she's on slightly less money than me - I'm perhaps upper working class to lower middle class but my husband earns enough to put us in the middle to upper middle-class.

Secondly, why should she assume your h is going to take on half the child care? He has 4 sons. He has a full time job, I assume? Are you a SAHM?? Are YOU going to be raising her child? Can't she get her baby into a nursery or get a nanny? What is going on here?
What's SAHM mean? She isn't assuming he will be half taking care of the baby so where's that question come from? she knows he is a married man with commitments and four children to help pay for already.


Yikes.
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Yikes? we're just giving her a place to sleep for when she does stay overnight from now on?
 
SAHM = Stay at home mom

It took my family and my husbands' respective families about a year to calm down about everything. My mom is SUPER Catholic, like, the cover your head in church while listening to the mass in Latin Catholic, and she even came around. My brother and sister think I am weird, but they live 2 states away, so it's all good. My mother-in-law (DarkKnight's mom) still bashes me to other relatives, but he's pretty quick to back me up. He told everyone point blank that it was his suggestion that I find an additional partner. He told his grandmother this summer when she suggested that their coldness toward me was deserved, that he wouldn't be around much anymore, because he strongly disagreed, and that I had done NOTHING wrong. We'll see how that works out. My mother and father-in-law on PunkRock's side we only see once a year, and they treat me very well. Us being a plural family may mean we lose out on inheritance, due to their disapproval, but everyone is middle class, and we weren't expecting anything anyway.

To me, being authentic and open about who I am as a person is worth more than money.

That said, DarkKnight's family does not invite PunkRock to events, and PunkRock's family does not invite DarkKnight to events. That's actually okay, because honestly, family events are mostly eating, and then sitting around reminiscing about old times. They find gatherings boring and don't mind being left out. My mother DOES include both of my guys, and my brother doesn't ever host anything, so that isn't an issue. My sister makes a big show the last couple years announcing that PunkRock is not invited to her house, but since he can't make it there during the holidays due to scheduling, it isn't a huge deal. This year, however, she actually messaged me and asked what he might like as a gift for Christmas. Totally out of the blue!

We host events, and then everyone is invited. It's easier.

So yeah, you might want to have a talk with everyone about what expectations are as far as blending families. Are her parents going to include your children on holidays? Are yours? You probably have some experience with this, being a blended family already.

And um, does she plan on having any more kids in the future? If your hubby doesn't want anymore, a vasectomy should definitely be on the schedule, like, super soon.
 
Bluebird said:
SAHM = Stay at home mom
Ah of course, and no I have a job.

Are her parents going to include your children on holidays? Are yours? You probably have some experience with this, being a blended family already.
Well, don't know them we've never met. She has only recently just told her parents she's pregnant by a married man and that its complicated, her mum is giving her the low down on what she should do as if he has used her and things - if only her mum knew the full story.

And um, does she plan on having any more kids in the future? If your hubby doesn't want anymore, a vasectomy should definitely be on the schedule, like, super soon.
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A while back I remember her saying how she'd love to have two or three children one of each boy and girl. Other than that we haven't mentioned it. I actually asked him to get a vasectomy after our last son was born so then I could stop taking my BC but he doesn't want to do it, I think he's scared of the pain and also it would somehow make him feel less of a man if he was infertile, he's so silly I know, believe me I've tried to get him to get it done.

Ok, I've just asked him about this. He still won't get it done. He said she told him she wants at least two children in her time, he then explained he doesn't want her later going to other men for it if she does want another child later on. So we had a bit bit of an argument about being able to afford it he just kept on saying we will be fine there's families out there worse off than us etc
 
Oh wow. Honestly, there is nothing you personally can do to stop them from knocking her up again, if that's what they want - whether you stay with him, or if you break up.

Is he paying child support on his other sons? Can he REALLY afford this additional child, if they split up, and possibly a second?

From what I understand, child support pays out in decreasing amounts, based on who is the first to file. So that would be the two children he had with his ex/exes, if they are already receiving funds. If you left him now, your children would be in a secondary or tertiary position. If this new chicka doesn't work out, and files, and THEN you split, your sons could end up with next to nothing in support. I would be really nervous about that, personally, because none of this sounds very stable. I would DEFINITELY check and see if this policy is in force where you live, and if not, figure out what his support obligations would be. Get it laid out in black and white, so everyone knows if it all will be fine, like he is claiming.

If I were you, I'd start building a separate bank account that will allow you to exit this situation gracefully in the future, in case that becomes necessary. And if it doesn't, hey, bonus money for your children later.

Also, life insurance. He should probably increase his policies, or get some, if he doesn't have any now. Make sure you and your children are protected. Update his will. Stuff like that.
 
Bluebird said:
Oh wow. Honestly, there is nothing you personally can do to stop them from knocking her up again, if that's what they want - whether you stay with him, or if you break up.
I love him too much to just let him go like that. That may sound like "Love is blind" but its not like that, I can tell that he absolutely loves me more than anything and that is what comforts my love with him. Typically "normal" people would say well he cant love you if he was fine with sleeping with another woman. Its not like that, its difficult and long to explain.

Is he paying child support on his other sons? Can he REALLY afford this additional child, if they split up, and possibly a second?
From what I understand, child support pays out in decreasing amounts, based on who is the first to file. So that would be the two children he had with his ex/exes, if they are already receiving funds.
He was paying child support for them but now they are 21 and 18 so he doesn't have to provide for them any longer. Other than that, we have enough surplus cash each month we're quite comfortable... hence he purchased that superking bed earlier like it barely broke the bank, we have enough in savings the equivalent of 7 months combined income.

If you left him now, your children would be in a secondary or tertiary position. If this new chicka doesn't work out, and files, and THEN you split, your sons could end up with next to nothing in support. I would be really nervous about that, personally, because none of this sounds very stable.
We're no where near in that situation. I'm not leaving him just because he won't get a vasectomy
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Lou32 said:
He said she told him she wants at least two children in her time, he then explained he doesn't want her later going to other men for it if she does want another child later on. So we had a bit bit of an argument about being able to afford it he just kept on saying we will be fine there's families out there worse off than us etc.
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What's done is done, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that she "tricked" him into getting pregnant. I would not be surprised if there was a good bit of baby-inference pillow talk that went on. It's easy to put all of the blame on her for stopping her BC pills, but the more you describe your husband, the more it sounds like he was kinda sorta perhaps maybe ok with the possibility of a baby, should one "just happen." He's gotten three women pregnant now. How "tricked" could he possibly have been??
 
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There is a book by Jessica Burde: "Polyamory and Pregnancy". It would be a good read to all three of you. I have read the book since me and my husband have been trying to conceive and we are living polyamorously. The book covers a lot of things, including unplanned pregnancies. Definitely will give you all food for thought.
 
I love him too much to just let him go like that. That may sound like "Love is blind" but its not like that, I can tell that he absolutely loves me more than anything and that is what comforts my love with him. Typically "normal" people would say well he cant love you if he was fine with sleeping with another woman. Its not like that, its difficult and long to explain.
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You don't need to explain this - I have two husbands. The love I have for each of them individually is deep, real and complete. I can't imagine NOT having them in my life.

He was paying child support for them but now they are 21 and 18 so he doesn't have to provide for them any longer. Other than that, we have enough surplus cash each month we're quite comfortable... hence he purchased that superking bed earlier like it barely broke the bank, we have enough in savings the equivalent of 7 months combined income.
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Gotcha. It sounded like he had 4 kids under the age of 18.

I would still absolutely get numbers on how much child support this new momma is going to be able to pull, because their relationship is new, and they are both in NRE land. They might not stick it out, and he will be responsible for this child, regardless.

If you won't leave him because he refuses to get a vasectomy, then you need to start thinking as if they absolutely are going to have another child. It sounds like he has told you as much. Your input doesn't matter to her, or him on this topic, apparently.

Definitely talk about his will and life insurance. What if he gets hit by a bus? His estate is going to need to provide for all of the kids. If she moves in, does that mean she gets to stay living there if he passes? Does she get a cut of the equity in the home you own? Or are you going to be drawing up rental paperwork? What about his retirement? If they're having a baby, and they are talking about moving in and being together long term, then he needs to be proactive and discuss all of this with both of you. And his older kids.
 
Bluebird said:
If you won't leave him because he refuses to get a vasectomy, then you need to start thinking as if they absolutely are going to have another child. It sounds like he has told you as much. Your input doesn't matter to her, or him on this topic, apparently.

Definitely talk about his will and life insurance. What if he gets hit by a bus? His estate is going to need to provide for all of the kids. If she moves in, does that mean she gets to stay living there if he passes? Does she get a cut of the equity in the home you own? Or are you going to be drawing up rental paperwork? What about his retirement? If they're having a baby, and they are talking about moving in and being together long term, then he needs to be proactive and discuss all of this with both of you. And his older kids.
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I've actually sensed it recently that they will probably want another child together. I can't see them ever falling out for quite a while yet, you should see how she is around him and how she looks at him, its love. And the super strange thing is, I'm not jealous, I can tell he loves me just as much as her.
My problem is, or was, admitting to our families about the whole open relationship thing. People will just be all like; he is using you, she doesn't love him there is no way love exists any more between any of us, how can I allow him to see other women? etc etc etc. I really do not mind living with her as we get on so really well, if I was a man I'd be all over her but I can't because I'm just not that sexually inclined due to being straight. Which I suppose is why I admire my hubby for wanting to get with her. She just rushed everything with getting pregnant.
 
FallenAngelina said:
What's done is done, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that she "tricked" him into getting pregnant. I would not be surprised if there was a good bit of baby-inference pillow talk that went on. It's easy to put all of the blame on her for stopping her BC pills, but the more you describe your husband, the more it sounds like he was kinda sorta perhaps maybe ok with the possibility of a baby, should one "just happen." He's gotten three women pregnant now. How "tricked" could he possibly have been??
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I know. Exactly how I thought too. I think she was on BC at first when she told me when he asked me if he can go bareback with her. Then like you say, the "pillow talk" sets in, she probably talked him round to it as they were making love, and then soon after she "accidentally" gets pregnant by missing the timing of taking her pills. More like she just stopped taking them... oops did I say that? she knows what I think about it and she doesn't even argue or deny it.
 
nycindie said:
If you, Lou32, are straight -- why the big bed? It sounds like your husband assumes all three of you are going to sleep together. That could be very annoying. Why not let her have a room when she stays or if she moves in, and your husband switches rooms.
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I'm straight but I do find her attractive and we get on really well together like best friends, she's offered to sleep with me a while ago just me and her, and then later she asked about a threesome with hubby. So perhaps now when the three of us are in bed together it may build my confidence to play with her.

Apparently she needs a new bed anyway he says its too squeaky the kids would easily hear them going at it if she was to bring it with her, hence why he ordered a new bigger bed for our room, and our bed can go into her room ready for when she stays the night.
 
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