scarletzinnia
New member
So my husband and I have been on a long journey with dealing with his erectile dysfunction. A little over a decade ago, I noticed that his sexual response was suddenly very different, and I asked him to see his doctor. He procrastinated and stonewalled, and eventually went for a checkup and "forgot" to mention that he was having a problem. My libido was through the roof at the time, abnormally high even for me. I was so frustrated that i asked for an open marriage, which he eventually agreed to.
He eventually talked to his doctor about his issue, several years after we opened our marriage. I was not the motivation to do this, it was a new partner (who was 20 years younger than he was) who provided the motivation. He was given Cialis. It worked erratically. We entered sex therapy, and the sex therapist eventually sent him to a different doctor, who diagnosed low testosterone. It took another two years for the doc to figure out what delivery method was right for him (topical testosterone stopped working), and how much for him to take. Part of the reason it took so long was that he was not regular about communicating with, and seeing, the doctor.
Then we had several years when his testosterone was just fine, but he had such terrible performance anxiety (from years of not being able to have sex reliably), that our sex life was just as erratic as it had been. We stopped seeing the sex therapist, who hadn't been able to help him with anxiety, and he started seeing an individual therapist. I discovered, much to my unhappiness, that he did much better when I did not initiate sex at all, if I left the ball in his court all the time. This doesn't feel very natural to me, but it's what has helped him the most, zero pressure to have sex, from me. And I don't mean that I actually pressured him, I mean that flirting with him a little, and suggesting that we have sex later that day, pressures him.
For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.
I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month. I have not been able to find a local sweetie who suits me for many years, and I'm demisexual, I can't be happy with a casual relationship.
Oh, and yes, I'm quite aware there are many things we can do that don't involve PIV sex, but I simply don't find any of them very satisfying, emotionally or sexually, and neither does he.
I should also add that I have asked him if his attraction to me has changed, and he insists it has not. He has no other partners at present and is not looking for any.
He eventually talked to his doctor about his issue, several years after we opened our marriage. I was not the motivation to do this, it was a new partner (who was 20 years younger than he was) who provided the motivation. He was given Cialis. It worked erratically. We entered sex therapy, and the sex therapist eventually sent him to a different doctor, who diagnosed low testosterone. It took another two years for the doc to figure out what delivery method was right for him (topical testosterone stopped working), and how much for him to take. Part of the reason it took so long was that he was not regular about communicating with, and seeing, the doctor.
Then we had several years when his testosterone was just fine, but he had such terrible performance anxiety (from years of not being able to have sex reliably), that our sex life was just as erratic as it had been. We stopped seeing the sex therapist, who hadn't been able to help him with anxiety, and he started seeing an individual therapist. I discovered, much to my unhappiness, that he did much better when I did not initiate sex at all, if I left the ball in his court all the time. This doesn't feel very natural to me, but it's what has helped him the most, zero pressure to have sex, from me. And I don't mean that I actually pressured him, I mean that flirting with him a little, and suggesting that we have sex later that day, pressures him.
For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.
I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month. I have not been able to find a local sweetie who suits me for many years, and I'm demisexual, I can't be happy with a casual relationship.
Oh, and yes, I'm quite aware there are many things we can do that don't involve PIV sex, but I simply don't find any of them very satisfying, emotionally or sexually, and neither does he.
I should also add that I have asked him if his attraction to me has changed, and he insists it has not. He has no other partners at present and is not looking for any.
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