Erectile dysfunction with partner, cured with meds but he keeps skipping meds!

scarletzinnia

New member
So my husband and I have been on a long journey with dealing with his erectile dysfunction. A little over a decade ago, I noticed that his sexual response was suddenly very different, and I asked him to see his doctor. He procrastinated and stonewalled, and eventually went for a checkup and "forgot" to mention that he was having a problem. My libido was through the roof at the time, abnormally high even for me. I was so frustrated that i asked for an open marriage, which he eventually agreed to.

He eventually talked to his doctor about his issue, several years after we opened our marriage. I was not the motivation to do this, it was a new partner (who was 20 years younger than he was) who provided the motivation. He was given Cialis. It worked erratically. We entered sex therapy, and the sex therapist eventually sent him to a different doctor, who diagnosed low testosterone. It took another two years for the doc to figure out what delivery method was right for him (topical testosterone stopped working), and how much for him to take. Part of the reason it took so long was that he was not regular about communicating with, and seeing, the doctor.

Then we had several years when his testosterone was just fine, but he had such terrible performance anxiety (from years of not being able to have sex reliably), that our sex life was just as erratic as it had been. We stopped seeing the sex therapist, who hadn't been able to help him with anxiety, and he started seeing an individual therapist. I discovered, much to my unhappiness, that he did much better when I did not initiate sex at all, if I left the ball in his court all the time. This doesn't feel very natural to me, but it's what has helped him the most, zero pressure to have sex, from me. And I don't mean that I actually pressured him, I mean that flirting with him a little, and suggesting that we have sex later that day, pressures him.

For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.

I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month. I have not been able to find a local sweetie who suits me for many years, and I'm demisexual, I can't be happy with a casual relationship.

Oh, and yes, I'm quite aware there are many things we can do that don't involve PIV sex, but I simply don't find any of them very satisfying, emotionally or sexually, and neither does he.

I should also add that I have asked him if his attraction to me has changed, and he insists it has not. He has no other partners at present and is not looking for any.
 
Last edited:
Sometimes men go through this. I'm currently in a similar position, where sex just really isn't a priority. Men also sometimes have trouble admitting that there might be something wrong with the plumbing. Obviously, the two of you have figured out the low testosterone, but when that happens, sex kind of goes on the back burner.

Also, having a wife that's asking for it repeatedly, makes it tougher to get into the mood. It's hard to explain (granted, my reasons aren't testosterone related), but even when I think during the day that "tonight might be the night", it kills the mood when my wife asks for it. It's not that I don't find her attractive, but I really am just not in the mood anymore.

I really don't think it's anything personal against you. He probably is having a tough time coming to grips that he is having trouble.
 
Thanks for your response, CTF. I guess what I don't get is his obvious trouble coming to grips with the fact that he has problems. His sexual problems started in 2006. It's been ten years! In that time, he's seen one internist and two urologists, and a sex therapist for almost two years. He had almost three years of individual therapy to deal with anxiety, some of it related to sexual performance issues, although not all. And the issue came up in couple's counseling too, completely separate from the abovementioned. He has sexual problems. However, over the past two years, we have had an almost completely trouble-free sex life, which I attribute to me no longer approaching him for sex AT ALL (which I hate, it doesn't feel natural to me to not ever express any interest, not when we used to have an easy, joyous give and take). Oh, and I'm always an enthusiastic partner when he approaches me. But if he doesn't take his shot every single week, then he ceases to function sexually.

Why is this so hard for men? We all get older. I'm post-menopausal and I sure don't like the fact that I no longer get wet without lube, at all. But I don't dwell on it, I simply apply a lot of lube. I accept that I need it. Why can't he accept that he needs his shot?
 
Thanks for your response, CTF. I guess what I don't get is his obvious trouble coming to grips with the fact that he has problems. His sexual problems started in 2006. It's been ten years! In that time, he's seen one internist and two urologists, and a sex therapist for almost two years. He had almost three years of individual therapy to deal with anxiety, some of it related to sexual performance issues, although not all. And the issue came up in couple's counseling too, completely separate from the abovementioned. He has sexual problems. However, over the past two years, we have had an almost completely trouble-free sex life, which I attribute to me no longer approaching him for sex AT ALL (which I hate, it doesn't feel natural to me to not ever express any interest, not when we used to have an easy, joyous give and take). Oh, and I'm always an enthusiastic partner when he approaches me. But if he doesn't take his shot every single week, then he ceases to function sexually.

Why is this so hard for men? We all get older. I'm post-menopausal and I sure don't like the fact that I no longer get wet without lube, at all. But I don't dwell on it, I simply apply a lot of lube. I accept that I need it. Why can't he accept that he needs his shot?


I can't speak for your husband, specifically, but, as a man myself, there can be a couple of things at play.

1: Testosterone is a bizarre hormone. When it's lacking, men can tend to lack the desire & passion to do the things we enjoy. I've seen it in men before, it just doesn't feel like a priority. With some men, it's bothersome, so they seek to fix it, with others, it's no big deal, so fixing it gets pushed down the totem pole.

2: As males, we start off very driven, and very competitive when it comes to sex. From puberty into early adulthood, it's all about getting it early & often. It's possible that, once in a position without the pressure from other males to compete for bragging rites (so to speak), that maybe the pressure is off, & he might feel comfortable without finally having to prove himself. Which could also explain why he does worse when you initiate. If he feels like he's being challenged at all, then he backs off & doesn't want to play the game.

Remember, testosterone in most cases, plays a huge part in a man's competitive nature.

Does that mean you just roll over & accept it? Not necessarily. Talk to him. Right now, it seems like he doesn't feel motivated. Maybe there are other ways to discover new methods of motivation.
 
For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.

I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month.
Your frustration is coming through your writing very clearly indeed. I'm sorry, I don't have the solution, just an impression.
What it seems to come down to, is that your desire to "do something" about his "problem" is far stronger then his own - which rarely works in any area of life. Maybe your even countering some of his desires - maybe he's comfortable with a week or two long breaks in his sex life. Maybe he finds irregularity interesting (relying more on spontaneity), while you show clearly that regularity is important to you. The point is, as frustrating as it is, I think you will have to find ways around the situation not relying on how he decides to handle his low testosterone. You done everything, you've made your wishes clear (over and over and over). He knows. It's up to him is he can get tuned to the same wave or not.
 
Last edited:
Hi scarletzinnia,

This may be a side issue, but I know I personally have an aversion to needles. I would hate to give myself a shot every week. I suppose other methods of delivery don't work?

It's clear that you are extremely frustrated. I am thinking that your husband just isn't very motivated about sex, whereas you are motivated. And you can't be the one to initiate the sex, so that just makes your frustration all the worse.

I am thinking maybe you don't want sex with someone else, you want sex with your husband. If that were not so, I would quickly advise you to look for someone else to fill that particular need. As it is, perhaps you can modify your method of approaching your husband. Like, I don't know if you are asking or telling him to take his shots. I would suggest asking, which is less pushy than telling.

Also possibly you could sit down with him and just explain how frustrating it is to you, that you've been working on this for ten years and are still getting spotty results even when the solution (the shots) is available. Then ask him what his side of the story is. And listen.

But maybe you've already done these things ...
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much, CTF and Tinwen and kdt for your input and suggestions. kdt, husband did try topical testosterone for over a year. It stopped working. That happens in a small amount of patients. His doctor thought that the time-released implants were not very effective, so the only delivery method left was the shot. Husband says he doesn't have a problem with needles and the pain is minimal for him.

Husband and I had a talk last night about who initiates sex and what might work better for him. What he says he wants is for me to initiate sex the way I used to, but then be perfectly, 100 percent ok if sex does not happen. And also, perfectly, 100 percent OK if I invite sexual play and he "forgets" that I did. Because what used to happen is that I would flirt with him during a given day and suggest that I wanted sex to happen later that day or the next morning, and he'd act like he was pleased by the suggestion, but eight hours or two hours or even an hour later, he'd be preoccupied with something else (even something as random as reading Facebook), and "forget" that we talked about it. So I'd end up feeling rejected and as if he didn't care about my needs. And also, I'd end up feeling like he took my interest in him for granted.

I already feel rejected enough by the fact that, since we opened our marriage, the two times he has had additional, recurring sexual partners, he could function reliably with them, but not me. And also, by the fact that it was a potential partner, someone half his age whom he barely knew at the time, whose existence was what motivated him to start addressing his issues in the first place, when I'd been begging him to seek medical help for something like four years.

In addition, I've had two serious, long-term poly relationships with men who were barely functional in the bedroom. They were both people I loved very much and our sex lives together were not the reason we broke up, at all, but my point is, I am beyond sick of dealing with this, with everyone, not just husband. I am tired of being supportive and understanding and positive and flirtatious (but not pressuring!) and buying lingerie and suggesting reading sexy stories together or watching porn (which I usually hate anyway). Yesterday I went online to order lube and left the order unfinished.

I want to feel like a priority. I want to feel desired. I get that from my second partner, briefly, every month, when we both drive an hour and a half to spend the night together. I have told husband that I want this from him too. He said, last night, that I am not giving him credit for the many weeks when he remembers to take his shot, I'm just focusing on the four or five times he has skipped it. But I really don't understand what is so hard about remembering to do things 100 percent of the time. We have phones that we can set to beep at us to remember to do things. I am very forgetful myself and I never miss appointments, because I have my phone. It's not hard.

Sorry for the vent, I just feel a bit at my wit's end with all this. And yes, kdt, I want to be with my husband and my boyfriend. If I thought I could be happy with a casual relationship with, I'd find one of those. And nothing else has been offered to me in literally years and I'm not holding my breath that anyone ever will again.
 
You're welcome. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm helping, but I'd like to think that I try :D.

Upon reading your most recent post, I think that a bit more light was shed on the situation. I'm glad that the two of you were able to have a talk. But after reading those details, it actually appears that your husband is much more like my wife in a lot of ways. I used to feel rejected when it came to sex, because the times I initiated it, she didn't seem to be in the mood. She just wasn't that into to sex. Once a week was more than enough for her, whereas, I had those urges 3-4 times a week easily. Of course, now things have changed for me, to the point where I can go months without it standing on my head, but that's another matter.

We did some of the same things. Make plans for later that evening, only to have it "forgotten" about because of online activity running late, etc. So I totally get the rejection. And my wife didn't seem to start getting her mojo back - for lack of a better term - until she began the long, LONG conversations with jersey. He was a few years younger, but not half her age. He was also (in my opinion) hideous. But they had a lot in common with the games, etc... So something obviously developed, and she had this renewed sense of her sexuality that put her into the mood. The problem was, I grew concerned about whether or not she was thinking about him when we were together.

I wish I had some good advice for you. If nothing else, please know that you're not alone in those feelings. But maybe it's time to put more focus on the boyfriend instead.
 
A piece of possible input on this, maybe it is relevant and maybe it isn't, ok?

I actually did some science with the concept of hormones at one point, before I had my tubes tied, I went on birth control pills for a few months. The side effects eventually prompted me to abandon that and go get my tubal ligation, but that's not the point. During the time I was on the pill, I was suddenly NOT even attractive to men who had been avidly chasing me prior to me going on the pill, when I was fertile.

I did a bit of research and found that pill affects my hormones, which can affect men's response and reaction to me. I was not releasing any of the desire triggering hormones that can affect men.

And then my ex bought a bottle of the perfume that his crush had been wearing, to remind him of her, and he sprayed it all over the damn garage one night. We had some of his guy friends over that weekend. I noticed that all the men were acting weird. Aggressive, competitive, and downright grouchy to each other. Come to find out that the perfume contained "female pheromones."

Cue the raised eyebrow reaction...like...what? So apparently, maybe, women's "pheromones" (fertility signalling hormone scents) cause testosterone to naturally spike in men.

Why is this interesting in your case? Well, you say you are post-menopausal. And you say you've had issues with libido and desire in multiple male partners you have had. And you say that your guy has had less issue when he had a younger partner (was she fertile?) Like this could just be a matter of biochemistry.

I wonder if you did an experiment, research some of the "human pheromone" perfumes, buy one if it's not too expensive, and without telling him, use it or spray it in the house when you're around...just to see if maybe it has any effect?

FOR SCIENCE! :)
 
That is fascinating, Spork. With regards to my two past partners with sexual dysfunction, one of them had circulation damage due to diabetes and past heavy drinking, and the other one also had low testosterone that may not have been treated properly. Second one also was probably not very attracted to me, I just didn't want to face that at the time, I was crazy in love. With husband, his sexual problems started when I was around 40 and not anywhere near menopause. But heck, you may still be onto something. I didn't know that one could buy perfume with female pheremones, but I will definitely be checking that out, thanks!
 
That is fascinating, Spork. With regards to my two past partners with sexual dysfunction, one of them had circulation damage due to diabetes and past heavy drinking, and the other one also had low testosterone that may not have been treated properly. Second one also was probably not very attracted to me, I just didn't want to face that at the time, I was crazy in love. With husband, his sexual problems started when I was around 40 and not anywhere near menopause. But heck, you may still be onto something. I didn't know that one could buy perfume with female pheremones, but I will definitely be checking that out, thanks!

Mmkay! Well, I'm just shifting the pieces on the board and trying to look at the problem a different way. Kinda how I do with problems, looking from different angles when I can. But yeah, if it makes any difference, let me know! I'm always curious about this kind of stuff. Some folks swear by it, some say it's nonsense. *shrug* ?? Worth a shot though if it doesn't cost ya too much, right?
 
What he says he wants is for me to initiate sex the way I used to, but then be perfectly, 100 percent ok if sex does not happen. And also, perfectly, 100 percent OK if I invite sexual play and he "forgets" that I did.
I'd say this is not realistic. It may not be realistic to expect him to always follow through, but it is just as unrealistic to expect you not to be disappointed about it. You feel what you feel. You can only handle how you're expressing it. You can skip blaming him, but imho you should be able to ask for support with your upset.


I'm going to suggest a perspective shift, feel free to disregard me, ok?

Something about treating "low testosterone" as an illness is rubbing me the wrong way.

To me it seems similar to labeling depression an illness, although just a very low percentage od depressions is purely biological. For most of us, I think, it is more a state of not having the big picture of our lives (our habits, priorities, life purpose, perspectives) in order. Some people will say 'oh, you have low serotonine, you have to take pills'. However to get a true shift, our inner (and outer) life has to be shifted. To succesfully work, we have to take depressions warnings seriously. And if we do? Well, serotonine levels will get back to normal.
I don't want to advocate resisting medication at all costs, it is often the fastest and easiest way to improve the quality of life. I take mood stabilizing medication myself, and I view it as a crutch, or more a helping sidewheel, to enable me to learn, finish stuff and implement changes. For me, it is not a cure, it is a means to making my life better. And while there were times when I regarded myself ill, today the notion of mental illness feels rather disempowering to me. Having the label of illness on myself feels like a heavy burden. I don't view myself ill, although I certainly have limitations, and I am not looking for cures but improvements.

Why I think this is similar? Well, first, testosterone is a hormone too, and I am sure there are natural ways to enhance it's production. Second, as I've already hinted, the "ill" person may be happy managing his condition in a number of other ways. And third, he is likely to perceive his state of low desire as "just the way he is", so that trying to change it feels... violent.

I would stop viewing his condition as illness. I would let him handle the way he is right now in his own way.

Non of this means you have to stick around and endure whatever treatment. If he's being inconsiderate to your needs? Speak up, but speak up for yourself - try to find effective boundaries. A boundary is a decision for yourself about what you will do if X happens. "If husband is unable to have sex for X days, I will arrange for an extra meeting with boyfriend," could be a decision you make (provided your bf is up to extra meetings). Or "If he's neglecting me because of facebook, I will not be sticking around and waiting. I'll do my own stuff." And "If the frequency hasn't improved a year from now, I'm out of this marriage" is a boundary.
 
Last edited:
Something about treating "low testosterone" as an illness is rubbing me the wrong way.

I agree with all that you say, Tinwen.

When my former husband and I hit 50, there was all manner of concern between us about "low testosterone" and "low estrogen" because of increasing sex issues. Separation and new partners have been our miracle "cures." He (53) no longer has any erectile issues with his GF and at 55, my sex drive is through the roof with my lover. This doesn't pertain to everyone, of course, but what many people call "hormone problems," "dysfunction," and "decline" are often boredom and a lifetime of accumulated squelched emotions. Since my separation I have encountered countless over-40 men who thought they had "erectile dysfunction," only to be shocked that they had a perfectly healthy sexual response in a situation apart from their long time partner. Which isn't to say that it's anyone fault, just that in long term partnerships, we all get into patterns that perhaps are not serving us and are worth taking a deeper look into. Our bodies are remarkably communicative and are often telling us exactly what we need to know, if we respect the wisdom of physical symptoms.
 
Setting aside the focus on your husband and boyfriends, I find it interesting, Scarletzinnia, that you keep attracting men who can't get it up for you, and you keep feeling like you have to play the compassionate understanding woman who is willing to wait or work out some kind of system to deal with it. Meanwhile, there are tons of guys out there who do not have these problems, so I wonder what kind of unconscious beliefs you have that are at play here, which keeps on drawing you into such similar scenarios again and again.

Deep down, do you believe you are deserving of an enthusiastic lover who can't wait to stick it in you, who gets hard just thinking about you? Is there some hidden (from you) fear about having all the pleasure you want? We all have patterns in our thinking, and beliefs we developed at an early age, of which we are no longer consciously aware, but which drive a lot of the dynamics we set up in our relationships. This is not about blaming oneself, but just about becoming aware of our patterns that keep us stuck in situations where we're not happy - yet, somewhere inside us, unconsciously, there usually is a reward. So, one question to ask yourself is what you get out of situations like this, where there seems to be quite a lot of drama surrounding your partners' erections and/or levels of desire. When I start to see unpleasant situations repeat themselves with different partners, even if I'm unhappy about it, I ask myself, "what's in it for me?" These kinds of questions lead to enlightenment.

There is a thread here which touches on the similarities we "discover" in our partners, as if it's just a coincidence. In my experience, we make decisions on a deep level for very specific reasons in our psyches. Only when we become aware of the kinds of relationships or partners we tend to attract, can we then expand on the choices we have. I invite you to read my post in that thread, which isn't about guys with ED, but it might further clarify what I'm talking about. It is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=295480&postcount=4
 
Last edited:
I want to feel like a priority. I want to feel desired.....nothing else has been offered to me in literally years and I'm not holding my breath that anyone ever will again.

This is the recording you've got on repeat in your head:
"I am not a priority. I am not desirable. Nobody shows interest in me, not even my husband. Nobody will show interest in me ever again."

Women do not necessarily "dry up" after menopause, nor are we less sexually attractive than younger women. From what you write, you have a lot of beliefs about getting older and losing your sexual viability. I won't quote them as evidence, but they are sprinkled liberally in what you're telling us. It appears to me that you're furious with your husband for not changing this image of yourself, when in truth, he cannot. He can only show you how you see yourself.
 
Something about treating "low testosterone" as an illness is rubbing me the wrong way.

Except sometimes it is something that needs help fixing. My ex-husband had mosaic Klinefelter's Syndrome, which is a genetic disorder, and a hallmark of that is little to no testosterone production. He was mosaic, meaning that most of his cells were normal, and we never even knew he had an issue until we started trying to conceive and discovered that he was sterile. Nothing in the world would have boosted his testosterone "normally." He absolutely had to have help. It was a very real "illness" in that his lack of testosterone over the years had caused calcium to be leeched from his bones and he had dental issues and osteoporosis setting in during his 20s! He needed hormone treatment to help the issues from becoming worse. The fact that he never wanted to have sex but once or twice every couple of months had nothing to do with desiring a new partner. A new partner was not going to boost his desire.

My husband DarkKnight also has low testosterone, but not due to a genetic issue. He isn't sterile, he doesn't have erectile dysfunction. He's just not horny much. He's chosen not to treat it. That said, his numbers are nowhere near as low as my ex's!

So, I agree that it always isn't an "illness" but in some cases it absolutely is.
 
My husband DarkKnight also has low testosterone, but not due to a genetic issue. He isn't sterile, he doesn't have erectile dysfunction. He's just not horny much. He's chosen not to treat it. That said, his numbers are nowhere near as low as my ex's!

So, I agree that it always isn't an "illness" but in some cases it absolutely is.

The important aspect here is how this is showing up in a relationship. If penis function/libido is not an issue in a relationship, such as yours Bluebird, then it's perfectly workable and the couple gets happy results from medical intervention or finds other ways to express their sexual love. But in the OP's case (and in most that I've come across) there are all sorts of long standing emotional, psychological and relationship issues which are swirling around erectile "dysfunction." It's clear to me why the husband in this scenario "forgets" to take his medication. His penis is taking the heat for all sorts of snarls and snags in this home.
 
So, I agree that it always isn't an "illness" but in some cases it absolutely is.
Fair enough Bluebird, thanks for explaining.

I hope I didn't drive Scarletzinnia away. Any news?
 
I dated someone a few years ago, I used to call him Chessy here, who was using topical cream for his low testosterone. He had no idea why his levels suddenly had dropped, and said that the lack of desire also caused a lack of wanting to do anything about it. But he knew it wasn't his "normal," so he had all sorts of tests and then found out he had a benign tumor in his head that was pressing against the gland in charge of producing/regulating testosterone. He had to have surgery to have it removed, and then his higher testosterone levels returned.

So, when something like low hormonal levels is discovered, it may be all PC to say it shouldn't be considered an illness, but an illness or other condition should be ruled out. Hormones control and influence a variety of physiological and emotional functions and ressponses, and there are levels that are considered ideal for important reasons.
 
The important aspect here is how this is showing up in a relationship. If penis function/libido is not an issue in a relationship, such as yours Bluebird,

I am not understanding you, FA. DK's lack of libido WAS a big issue in their relationship, and one of the main motivators to Bluebird looking for another lover (now husband). And she was pretty happy for a while with a third man in her life who also delivered good sex (for a while).

So it is with me. My female partner's libido is "normal," mine is just extra high. I wouldn't be spending so much effort on dating and finding bfs is she was as horny as me.

then it's perfectly workable and the couple gets happy results from medical intervention or finds other ways to express their sexual love. But in the OP's case (and in most that I've come across) there are all sorts of long standing emotional, psychological and relationship issues which are swirling around erectile "dysfunction." It's clear to me why the husband in this scenario "forgets" to take his medication. His penis is taking the heat for all sorts of snarls and snags in this home.

I dunno... Our longstanding member, Opalescent, had a female partner who went through menopause and completely lost her drive. The partner didn't miss having sex, she was content. After much effort, Opal had to break up with her, sexual mismatch being a large factor.

My sister also lost her sex drive when menopause hit. She used to like sex twice a week. Now she would be happy to never have sex again. (She makes an effort to give her husband sex once or twice a week, but it's joyless for her.)

I could go on. I don't think it's "all in their heads," is my point. Hormones DO play a major role.

I do agree though, that the OP is being rather fatalistic. "No one will ever satisfy me" is a natural enough feeling after several "lovers" with ED. But she doesn't have to give up! There ARE guys out there who are extremely willing and able to have great sex, with good erections.

I've pretty much stopped dating men much past 40 though, because I need good sex and if a man can't fuck, even if he's good at kissing, breast play, oral, fingering, kink and so on, I feel dissatisfied. Not to say all men past 40 have ED, but I've dated a few men around 60 who had good erections at first, but either lost a lot of drive once NRE was over, or developed health problems which either caused the ED, or made taking Cialis or Viagra impossible. Then there are some men who, despite ED, are still very interested in sex, and are motivated to take the meds. So, don't give up! You just gotta keep looking for someone who can satisfy you, of any age.
 
Back
Top