Would you talk to one lover about issues with another lover

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davidontheline

New member
Been dating two people at the same time for just over a year now, they only know about the other person based on what I've told them, but I have not really disclosed much about the emotional nature of either relationship, almost only sexual or humourous things. So I'm having some problems with guy 1, and I feel like I really want to talk about it with guy 2.. but I almost don't feel comfortable, part of me feel like it would take something away from me and guy 2, who has been with me longer.. and I feel very naive for feeling this way..
So do you guys discuss relationship problems with one lover with another lover?
 
Nooooo. That's being a sloppy hinge. Think about it - especially if you don't share any of the good stuff with the other - the only impression they will have of your other partner will be negative. They won't be able to give any advice that will help, and then having this skewed view. Not a good idea. I have had partners that try to bounce ideas of me about a metamour, and it is not only stressful, but I started to resent that my time with my lover was being devoted to this other person's life and problems.

Don't do it! Find someone else to help.
 
No, however they talk to me. Our relationship(s) is still pretty new, and we are figuring out personal boundaries and such. I have learned when they talk to me about each other that while it doesn't affect what I think or know about the other, it does affect me.
 
Bluebird said:
Nooooo. That's being a sloppy hinge. Think about it - especially if you don't share any of the good stuff with the other - the only impression they will have of your other partner will be negative. They won't be able to give any advice that will help, and then having this skewed view. Not a good idea. I have had partners that try to bounce ideas of me about a metamour, and it is not only stressful, but I started to resent that my time with my lover was being devoted to this other person's life and problems.

Don't do it! Find someone else to help.
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I agree with this 110%.

I do not discuss anything personal about my partners with the other.
 
So do you guys discuss relationship problems with one lover with another lover?
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Not unless you have obtained consent first. Just assuming they want to be hearing it and dumping it on them is sloppy hinge stuff.

Of course, sometimes you want to be able to air out with other people. I suggest obtaining consent and airing out with people OUTSIDE the poly system. Or a counselor if needed. That way you get more objective perspectives. Comfort in, kvetch out. For some problems, all the people in the poly system might all be in the innermost ring. They won't make good listeners because they are too close to the problem.

My spouse really was resistant to me talking to my friends about us when I bumped into problems with him. Then he realized I couldn't solve it with him alone (that's why we had a problem!) so he pretty much had to become ok with it and trust me that I wasn't going to bad mouth him or something. We needed outside perspectives and he didn't want to go get any with is friends. So I wanted to with mine. He got over it once he saw there was no threat -- people wished us well and wanted to help.

But I think you could only share TMI details with people inside the poly system if they all consent to it -- being talked about and listening to about the other partner. Not everyone is up for that.

Galagirl
 
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Hi davidontheline,

I would generally advise against sharing your "Guy 1 problems" with Guy 2, unless Guy 2 is willing and able to be a sounding board, and not try to fix the problems. To look for someone to try to fix the problems, I would turn to a professional counselor. It is asking too much of Guy 2 to ask that he be a counselor.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have been struggling with this. Tam has been my closest confidant for 30 years and Ray has been my other for over 3 years. I have almost never spoken of problems in my relationships to anyone but a therapist. We all have been living together for almost a year. When I am unhappy with one the other can't help knowing I am. They are very often witness to disagreements or PTSD behavior. Trying to keep relationship problems secret is like carrying water in a sieve and leaves me with no one to confide in. I want them to think well of each other so I do make an effort.

Bluebird, how do you do it?

Leetah
 
I do discuss with each of my partners problems or issues I'm having with the other--but before I began doing so, I confirmed with each of them that they were okay with that, both with listening to me about the other one and with having each of their relationship with me shared with the other.

I don't have a lot of friends, and I've been asked not to get into much about my relationships online, so aside from my guys there's only one person I can talk to about relationship issues. But talking to them also gives me the bonus of getting the point of view of another guy; sometimes the issues are easily resolved when I realize it's just a difference impacted by gender or communication styles. (My guys are very similar. I'm very different from them.)

I also share the really awesome things about each of them with the other, though; it isn't all about the negatives.
 
Bluebird, how do you do it?
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Well, with varying degrees of success, I would say! :) I don't think of issues that I may be having as something I should be letting bleed over into my time with another guy. Certainly, sometimes this can't be avoided - like if I really am having a devastating experience - but everyday annoyances and troubles are something I try not to get hung up on. I try to watch what I say and I really do use my journal as a dumping ground. I let out my frustrations and then move forward.

I also try to focus on positives in my everyday life. I have a happiness journal and try to frame things in the best possible light. When I was dating M a few years back, he said this always irritated him - I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself I was happy, he thought. *shrugs* I never look at things that way - I just try to keep in mind what is good and hope that things will work out. Of course, my anxiety always comes through and I don't trust anyone, but I do rebound quick from negativity, if I can work a plan. And I always can.

Honestly, I never fight with PunkRock and DarkKnight. Our household is very easy going and calm. If anything, I myself will be upset at something external and that will come out as frustration misdirected at one of them. They don't do that with me. I'm very lucky to have them both as my partners!
 
I have yet to have the experience of having a long lasting deep, "romantic" connection with someone else other than my sweetie of more than twenty years. But I'm sure that if I did have this I'd probably, at some point along the way, be exceedingly open and transparent about pretty much everything I am feeling and thinking with both of them -- as is my strong tendency these days. I'd do so with great respect for everyone involved, of course, or as much as is humanly possible for me. But honestly if I'm having any difficulties it would be nearly impossible for me to keep any of it bottled up in relation to someone very close and dear.

Actually, this is pretty much the case in my closest, dearest platonic friendships already. It's just how I am. I used to keep stuff bottled up, secret.... But that takes way too much energy and I'm just too lazy for such effort now. I also trust myself a hellova lot more than I used to, so know I'd not f**k up royally in letting my actual feelings and thoughts be expressed. I also love my partner with all of my heart, even though he's an imperfect sonova beech just like me. :p :eek:;)

My transparency and openness about things is already fully known, understood and accepted by my sweetie. He'd expect me to be that way with anyone I'm very close to as a matter of implicit normalcy for me. The thought of asking for an okay from him never occurred to me -- as it has for others here who would (or have) sought the okay of their partner to discuss such things.

I hadn't realized I was so unusual in this way until I read the foregoing posts. Hmm.
 
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I've only ever really had the experience of being a hinge when Blue and I were in a triad with Snow. That relationship ended almost two years ago. Blue and Snow both confided their issues with one another to me. In the beginning, it felt natural and intimate. In the end, it was very stressful and made me feel like I had some responsibility in their relationship. It was detrimental to all the relationships.

I've not been a hinge since. Blue does occasionally confide in me about his other relationships but only in generalities. We've learned the hard way that triangulation is destructive to everyone.
 
Hard and fast General Rules For Everybody make sense with some things and not with others. Some things are generalizable. Others are not. What makes very good sense for some folks and their unique situation may not make good sense for another.

If I'm having emotional challenges of any kind, its best for me to share about it with those I'm closest to. Not doing so is unhealthy for me. It hardly matters what the reason is for the challenge I'm having. It's just better for me not to attempt to bottle it up or keep it from someone I'm close to and hanging out with. I'm also not capable of hiding or concealing my feelings when I'm in emotional pain, so anyone close to me is apt to ask "Hey, are you alright?" and I'm going to be presented with a choice to tell the truth or make up some bullshit ... or perhaps say "I'd better not say." (etc.)

If I had another partner other than my sweetie, and my Sweetie and I just had a difficult moment together..., and then I'm with my Other Sweetie, well Other Sweetie would pick up on it. If I did talk with Other Sweetie about where it hurt and why, I'd probably do so in a mature and sensitive way so as to take into account everyone's feelings and needs. That's what maturity is all about: the ability to do that. Some folks aren't so good at being mature in this way, and perhaps they should just keep their stuff to themselves because of it.

A mature person tends not to engage in blaming others much for how they are feeling, so there's not much need for side-taking and all of that "triangulation" stuff (which rhymes, by the way, with strangulation). I can talk about my feelings without blaming anyone. But I'm old now and have had lots of practice.
 
It depends mostly on who my partner is.

Cat wasn't used to talking about other partners. She warmed up to it but felt it made our relationship feel more like a friendship to her sometimes. That was weird to me that she saw that as some sort of negative since I always considered her to be my best friend as well as many other things.

It was Sprite who turned me on to the idea of being open about other relationships. It's her (and my) thought that the other people in our lives are part of our lives, therefore part of us. Why wouldn't one want to hear about all aspects of a partner's life?

Elle doesn't want to hear about anything, but she would prefer a monogamous relationship with me.

I am not comfortable talking about other partners with MK because she is so insecure.

Mary doesn't really have anyone else to unload her problems to. I don't mind. I just listen.

I am always mindful to keep my prejudices out of the conservation while talking about any problems they may be having with another partner. That's probably the only hard and fast rule I have.
 
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