Boundaries crossed. Help?

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Viasindios

New member
We've been poly 3 years. Applicable boundaries are we only see other women with prior consent.

I found some texts from 6 months ago, she invited a guy over after I had left for work. Sent him a few dirty pics. Never went passed that. He never confirmed via text so as far as I know and she admitted was she was lonely and knew he'd chicken out.

I lost my shit, we fought and made up. Didn't leave bc I couldn't prove it went passed that.

Now she wants to see a guy from her past. Her only straight male friend (who she hooked up with long ago) really. She agreed to only meet in public but I won't know for sure if it stays there cuz I work nights.

I can't tell her no, he's a truly good friend to her and did right by her for a long time before we met and has made it clear if I had an issue with them being friends that there would be a coming to jesus talk. Which I don't want to happen bc at the end of the day I do trust and love her and don't want to get in the way of one of her few friends.

It's the jealousy and fear of something actually happening is what's eating me now. I've always been the only man in her life the last 3 years. Never had a jealous thought up until this.

I know my options really are get right with it or leave.

What I don't know is how to tell her I'm not okay without her turning it into. "Well I broke the trust, it's never coming back, I'm sorry but you should leave me, I'm trash" because that's exactly how our fight went and the only time I ever even considered it.

I want to get over it, I want the unquestioned trust only you can't ever put genie back in that bottle.

Help?:(
 
Without even bringing poly into it, if a partner of mine ever told me I wasn't allowed to see a male friend he'd be out the door so fast his head would spin. Even if he "allowed" me to meet with friends under the conditions you describe - in public, etc - that is far too controlling and I wouldn't have put up with it back when I was in mono relationships, let alone now that I'm poly.

I gather you've had an OPP for 3 years. Why is that? What are you trying to protect yourself from?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I see several possible things here.

  • The need to talk about break ups
  • The need to talk about agreements changing
  • The need to talk about support in jealous moments
  • The need for her to learn to LISTEN
  • The need to sort out internal conflict

If she wants to date this friend? It sounds like you want to work out your jealousy stuff and expand the agreement to "Give a heads up when seeing new people" rather than "No men. Give a heads up when seeing new women."

If she doesn't want to date him but just wants to go out with her friends... you still have to work on things.

BREAK UPS

But you are having some hang ups over what she said last time when she cheated on agreements:

"Well I broke the trust, it's never coming back, I'm sorry but you should leave me, I'm trash."​

Is it that you didn't like the feeling of her doing stuff to piss you off so you would break up with her first so she didn't have to do it? Is that what she was doing? :confused:

You prefer to be broken up with in a different way, if things are going to be broken up?

TBH, I think "pass the buck" break ups like that are a wonky way to break up. Not respectful at all.

Maybe you could make an agreement to break up respectfully and tell her how you prefer to be broken up with if it comes down to that? So you can relax and not have to deal with "pass the buck" stuff again?

AGREEMENTS

Is it that she cheated on agreements because she's a weak agreement negotiator? She doesn't know how to go "Look, we have this agreement X. I find I am no longer willing and able to keep it. I need to ask for a modification in agreements. I would something more like Y instead because that is something I can keep better. I don't want to be cheating, but I can't keep agreements that chafe because I don't want to be chafing. Could you be willing to renegotiate?"

Maybe you guys could talk about how agreements can change as needed so you can feel secure that she will give you the heads up there first and not just up and break them.

JEALOUSY

On the jealousy front? What would you like in terms of support from her? What behaviors?

For her to stick to agreements so you can relax? Like come home when you say you will? That involves you taking small risks in trusting her so you can see nothing doom happens this time so you can relax. You have to give the space for her to demonstrate she DOES stick with agreements now.

For her to read this with you and do the page 5 and 6 stuff? http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Something else?

LISTENING

I don't know is how to tell her I'm not okay without her turning it into. "Well I broke the trust, it's never coming back, I'm sorry but you should leave me, I'm trash" because that's exactly how our fight went and the only time I ever even considered it.
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If you go telling her about a problem, and she does poor listening? Rather than keep the conversation focused on your need to talk about a problem? She changes the focus to be about her berating herself?

You could say "I want to keep focus here. I want to do problem solving together. You don't seem able to do that right now because you are going off into beating your own self up. When is a better time to discuss so you can maintain focus and not do that? How about Friday?"

Then get up and walk away and if she wants to sit there beating up on herself you don't have to be listening to that. If this is chronic with her and you never get to problem solving? And she's not willing to stop the bad habit OR learn to do better listening? Maybe you reevaluate your willingness to keep participating the relationship.

Don't NOT do your part of the communication/problem solving job (report what's going on with you) because she does her part of the job poorly (Listening). Be assertive. Hold up your end of the stick.

BELIEF

I want to get over it, I want the unquestioned trust only you can't ever put genie back in that bottle.
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This is internal conflict. Though I write about it last, I think you have to square up this one first otherwise you cannot do any of the other ones well. There's 2 ways to solve it that I can see.

1) You give up the belief that you "can't ever put it back in the bottle." You change that belief to something more like

  • Ok, people can mess up. But with work, trust can be rebuilt. (new belief)
  • I can live with X mistakes. (your boundary)
  • Past that, I'm not working on it. I leave. There's mistakes and then there's being a doormat. (consequence YOU can do if boundary is crossed.)

Then the "measure" is how many dings this has been, and if you guys are doing the work required. The "measure" is not whether its in the bottle or out of the bottle.

2) You keep the belief AND you follow through. If you are not willing to change the belief? You prefer a harder line in the sand on that? "It's a 1 strike, I am out" kind of thing for you? That's ok to prefer. Written out fully it is something like

  • Once the genie is out of the bottle, there is no putting it back in. (belief)
  • Trust is a 1 strike thing with me. (boundary)
  • I have to leave the relationship if the line is crossed. (consequence you can do.)

If this is the case... what are you doing there still? Follow through and leave. Because it's out of the bottle and it isn't coming back in. Why make yourself crazy sticking around? That's you compromising your beliefs.

I encourage you to sort that one out first. Either keep the belief because you like a hard line on that one, and LEAVE because the line was crossed. Sucks, but it solves the internal conflict for you.

Or change the belief to something not quite as hard, and work that show how it needs to be worked. That solves it another way.

Galagirl
 
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The only fair boundary op would be for you only to date other men outside your relationship with her. You're limiting her to same sex relationships you should be made to keep the same boundary. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 
Emm said:
Without even bringing poly into it, if a partner of mine ever told me I wasn't allowed to see a male friend he'd be out the door so fast his head would spin. Even if he "allowed" me to meet with friends under the conditions you describe - in public, etc - that is far too controlling and I wouldn't have put up with it back when I was in mono relationships, let alone now that I'm poly.

I gather you've had an OPP for 3 years. Why is that? What are you trying to protect yourself from?
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Pretty much this.
All I will add is that the OP seems to have an ownership issue. One Penis Policies are bullshit.
 
Hi Viasindios,

It sounds like your main problem is that you are having trouble regaining trust in her. I think two things need to happen in order to fix that. One, she must not repeat that behavior. That is, no more going behind your back and breaking agreements. If she wants to change an agreement, she tells you so ahead of time. Two, some time must go by so that you can see her actions have improved. This will help rebuild some of the trust that was lost. And maybe you'll never get 100% of the trust back, but maybe you can come close enough so you can live with the situation.

I hope you'll keep on posting and let us know how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update

Alright, so I've calmed down more. The situation was brought up again between us because if it took me to post here I obviously still had something to say and I'm glad to report that like any other issue we've faced we were able to talk things out and come to an understanding that I wasn't okay yet. Just being able to come to that was more than enough to get back on the right track.

I appreciate the feedback, I'm gonna start posting actual positive posts here cuz what we have is something I've never encountered before and really if we have a coming to jesus moment about our relationship more than twice a year it's a lot.

Thanks again for playing along while I was on fire.
 
You say in your OP you trust her, and yet you're snooping in her phone... Hm, that doesn't sound like trust.

If your partner is bi and wants to date men and women, you two should relax and let that happen. Maybe she didnt want to date other men for a while, when you two were in NRE, but now that 3 years have gone by, she is interested in other men again.

One Penis Policies are a rather common agreement for new to poly people. Sometimes the woman partner is truly OK with it. Quite often, she isn't, or comes to realise she isn't.

It's on you to get OK with her having male friends and possibly male lovers. It's actually misogynist, sexist or possibly even homophobic to feel grossed out by the idea of another man/penis being in the mix. Like the love of another woman is OK, hot even, but a MAN? Another man's penis/sperm in "MY" woman's vagina or mouth? Heaven forbid.

Time to have your own personal come to Jesus moment around that.
 
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