It's a Texlahoma Story

It's OK to ask for what you want! My therapist told me that a decade ago. I used to not ask... expecting my ex h to be a mind reader, etc.

We can ask! Then the other person either agrees or doesn't. Either way, it's empowering. Either way, you know where you stand. Either way, you get to know the other person better and whether you are suited for each other.
 
I did write New Guy an email last night, and mentioned that I was feeling a little nervousness mixed in with the lust and anticipation :eek:

I'm curious to see what he says. I think part of my anxiety is that we haven't talked about sex, really, just had fun dates and made out a lot. Usually I have a lot more discussion before we get to the stage of planning private time. Both sexy chat and more serious stuff, what does sex mean to each of us, that kind of thing.

I've had pretty shitty experiences, guys who assumed that I was up for porn style sex the first time, not much foreplay, switching positions every two minutes, crude dirty talk ... I do not like being called slut or whore during sex, and ugh to guys who assume that's ok without checking. I don't know if it's the open relationship thing or if they treat every girl like that, but, yuck.

Anyway, I do want a chance to open up about what I like and don't with this guy, preferably before we get naked. And more than anything, I just want him (well, anyone I'm considering sleeping with!) to know it's a big deal to me, an emotional experience, not something that I can do without it affecting me. If that's too much complication for someone, we're never going to work.
 
I feel your struggle.

I had similar struggles when I was seeking and dating and all that...even when I got past the "I really don't know what I want" phase, and I DID know, it was difficult.

Because I felt like the men I was meeting, maybe most men in our culture, see women as one of two kinds, full stop, period, and end of story. There are the sluts that you use and objectify and don't respect, and you can feel free to degrade them as you please since they are asking for it by wanting and enjoying sex...and yeah, sex becomes this weird and dirty and shameful icky thing there in that side of things... And then there are "long term relationship material" women, ladies who are the marrying kind, the ones you want to have your babies and be your property and yours alone and cling to and keep forever.

And nothing lies in between, for too damn many of the men I know.

And that's fucked up in my opinion. It necessitates a lot of negotiation. I was at a point where what I wanted was on a spectrum in between. I wanted sex, and I didn't want to commit to one man, I wanted it a bit less casual than what you want but not super serious either. I wanted it to be ok to experience depths of friendship and love and such, but without the life-building and the expectations of escalation, and certainly without the possessiveness and jealousy. I felt like I was moving pencils on a table surface to try and find my "just right" shape, while living in a world that doesn't understand customizing one's own relationships. Or at least, what were the odds of finding someone who fit my needs?

But my needs and my expectations all had some room to grow, evolve, and adjust based upon what I was finding and experiencing. I've had to really give myself permission for that to be ok.

The point is...I think no matter how well we think we've got it figured out, we're actually figuring it out all the time, continuously...journey, not destination, and all that...and sometimes it's going to be challenging and require patience to find just what you want.

I think that even when YOU specifically are being more authentic to your own needs, you have to watch out for that Self-Judgment Gremlin. He's an asshole, Claire. And you know that. Gremlins usually are. I'm not surprised to hear that even when you figured you were doing and seeking exactly what works for you, and standing up for yourself, TO yourself, and feeling more comfortable in your own skin...that you still encounter the occasional icky feelings of self judgment or doubt. But gremlins are pretty normal to the human condition in my opinion. The important thing is to see them for what they are, and not take them TOO seriously or listen to them too closely.

You can reject anything that doesn't work for you, it doesn't make you too picky. You don't owe sex to anybody even if you want sex. Admitting that you enjoy sex and looking for good sexual experiences doesn't make you less worthy of anything, doesn't make you slutty or in any way bad. You don't have to settle for a damn thing, or do anything before you're ready.
 
Spork said:
Because I felt like the men I was meeting, maybe most men in our culture, see women as one of two kinds, full stop, period, and end of story. There are the sluts that you use and objectify and don't respect, and you can feel free to degrade them as you please since they are asking for it by wanting and enjoying sex...and yeah, sex becomes this weird and dirty and shameful icky thing there in that side of things... And then there are "long term relationship material" women, ladies who are the marrying kind, the ones you want to have your babies and be your property and yours alone and cling to and keep forever.

And nothing lies in between, for too damn many of the men I know.
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Yes. Exactly.

My biggest problem isn't even the asshole dudes themselves, but the immediate "not all men!!!" reaction when I try to talk about it. Of course it's not ALL men, male identified people aren't some monolith :rolleyes: But it's a lot of men, and they're overrepresented in the population that messages women seeking FWBs on dating sites. The not-all-men response feels almost like its own kind of slut shaming - "you must be doing something that's attracting those guys". Blech.

I am trying to do better with asking for what I want/need, but damn, it's hard, especially around sex :cool: I get into this mindset of "if I have to ask, how do I know if they're really on board, or just doing it to placate me?" A lot of that comes from years of struggling with my sex life with Andy, and the frustration and disappointment both of us felt for so long. It's just not the same if someone is only pretending to enjoy something for their partner's sake. It can be bonding, even fun, to indulge someone in their needs/kinks/whatever without getting sexual pleasure out of it yourself. But the faking being into it, eh, that just never feels quite right.

New Guy needs a name, I guess... I'll call him Clark after Clark Griswold, since he spent all weekend stringing Christmas lights ;) Clark and I have had some really good talks the past couple of days, I'm definitely feeling less anxiety and more lust! I have accepted that I may have to be the initiator of "where are we/how do you feel" type check-ins with him. He hasn't actually dated much - he and his wife ventured into the world of non monogamy when he fell for a co-worker a few years ago, and I'm the first person he's had more than one date with since that relationship ended.

I'm supposed to have my rescheduled-from-last-week first date with a single dad from OKC tomorrow night... waffling on whether I want to go. I just have zero interest in juggling two guys, so it sets up a have-to-choose situation if he turns out to be awesome. I know I'm supposed to go out and meet lots of people and blah blah blah. But right now my wants are pretty simple - one guy, who's fun to be around, attractive, good in bed, and cares whether I'm enjoying myself sexually. A fwb, in other words. Who knew it would be this hard to find!
 
The other thing that bears mention, both in discussing this with yourself in your mind, or here with others, or in stating your needs and boundaries with men you meet...is that it's not just a question of whether the GUY sees things that way or if he's one of the "not all men" or whatever, it's also important for you to clearly state and reinforce your position because YOU are choosing to break free from a paradigm, from bad code, written into YOUR mind by society, that causes you to judge and sometimes limit YOURSELF.

So when you say, "I am not a worthless slut, and I am also not looking for a Super Serious Relationship Thing. I want ABC but not XYZ, think you can get on board with that?" you aren't accusing them of anything, you're just respecting yourself and others, and defining your boundaries.

But absolutely there will be men in the world of online dating who don't take that seriously and figure they know how the world "really works" and can take advantage. And the only cure to that, that I know of, is to take your time and get to know someone as best you can do, before you give 'em the sex. The idea of having to wait when I want to bang a guy has always pissed me off, but I've come to see that there's some wisdom in it.
 
I just try really hard to vet guys on OKC in chat and on the first couple dates, to make sure they are NOT holding onto the madonna/whore black/white concept. If they are, they probably have other outdated concepts in general that show we aren't a good match anyway.

Of course, some guys will say anything to get in your pants, and so after a few weeks or months you find out you aren't a good match anyway and have wasted your time... sigh...

Currently, of my 2 prospects, one just wants a FWB because he works 4 jobs and doesn't have time for a real relationship. Seems we would only meet twice a month or even once. Fine.

The other one IDs as polyamorous. He definitely seems to want a real gf. He has a gf of 4 years and she's become nearly asexual from the meds she takes for depression.
 
I have found the "do you enjoy meaningless sex?" question on OKC to be almost 100% accurate in predicting whether I will be sexually compatible with someone. I used to feel guilty about using that as a screening tool - so judgy! I used to tell myself that just because someone sometimes likes meaningless sex doesn't mean they ONLY like meaningless sex. But the thing is, I can't even have meaningless sex. It ALWAYS means something to me, either it's wonderful and enriches my life - or it goes down on my "things I will regret forever" list :cool: No joke, when I can't sleep at night, I frequently flash back on the icky sexual experiences I have had. So now I limit myself to guys who wouldn't want to sleep with me unless it meant something to BOTH of us. Really narrows the pool ;)

It's still (and always will be) a work in progress, but I'm getting better at defining my boundaries, and communicating them. I think I put so much pressure on myself to 1) be good at poly and 2) give answers that poly guys would like ... It's soooo much easier now, not feeling like I have to live up to some standard or fit in. I was able to tell Clark "just a heads up, not interested in hearing about your sex life with your wife!" with zero stress or drama.

I think because I'm more accepting of myself these days. I don't go around saying "I wish I was more like this" or "I wish I was less like that". I'm just... hey, I'm me, it is what it is. One thing about me is that I find thinking about my partner having sex with someone else to be a HUGE turn off, to the point where I need a few days and some brain bleach to feel aroused by my partner again. It's super inconvenient for poly, and I used to be ashamed to admit it, because I was afraid guys would see it as a problem. But, it's the truth. Might as well be honest, only date guys who are willing to STFU about sex with others and/or deal with my ick reaction.
 
Annoyed at myself this morning. I can feel myself slipping into the old Dag pattern with Clark, and I don't want to do that :cool:

I have the day off, so I invited Clark over to hang out at my house - then Andy got sick last night, so he's home today and feeling like shit :( And me? I spent the morning panicked and scrambling for a plan b with Clark. Ugh. You know, if this was a friend, I'd just say, "hey, sorry, sick husband, rain check?" and not think anything of it. But I didn't do that, instead I let myself fall into the can't-cancel-have-to-juggle mentality.

So I'm meeting Clark for coffee, which is fine, I guess. I dunno.

I posted something on Spork's blog
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=345292&postcount=578
about how I would never in a million years have chosen poly for myself, except as the least bad of several bad options. And I think... as hard as I try, as much work as I put in, having multiple relationships is never going to come naturally to me. I encounter a situation like today, and instead of just doing what feels right to me, I overanalyze and overthink, trying to guess what the "right" thing to do is.
 
Hmmm, Andy can be a baby, but I didn't so much feel guilty for leaving as just not feel like leaving. I can be such a lazy homebody sometimes. Plus I get weird little anxiety twinges about any last minute changes in plans :cool: I ended up going for coffee and a walk, and it was fun, I like Clark, he's sweet - and a really good kisser :p

You know, I think a lot of it is simply that I want girlfriend treatment without girlfriend effort, lol. Like I basically want a fwb/fuck buddy who acts boyfriend-like when we're together. But the guys who treat me well tend to want these Big Deal Relationships, and I try to... live up to that, I guess. The guys I have met who are cool with the I'll-see-you-when-I-see-you attitude? Do not behave in a way that makes me interested in sleeping with them.

It's almost like I'm trying to figure out what the bare minimum of girlfriend-like behavior is that earns good sex on a regular basis. Today's calculation was - yes, I should go meet him, since he took the afternoon off to spend time with me - but no, I don't have to panic and reserve a hotel room to make up for my house being occupied by a sick husband.

God, I sound AWFUL. I honestly do like this guy, I can see us being great friends and possibly lovers. I just don't want to end up where I was with Dag, driving my insane trying to be the perfect girlfriend.
 
Well, I just look at it like, you know those control panels when you see people mixing songs in a studio (I've seen this in movies, I know nothing about it in reality) but I imagine a person adjusting all of the little sliding thingies to just the right point, and that's where you want it.

But then there are people (cough men cough) who seem to want either all the dials up to 11, or completely off. Like one end of a spectrum or another. Where we want this fine tuned thing in the middle.

They seem to want either The One, or the one night stand. You want something that isn't either of those things. A nice, breezy, casual, no pressure FWB dealie, heavy on the "friends" and fun with the bennies, but off the escalator and a "no discussing other partners" rule.

None of that seems impossible to me. But the people you encounter would have to be mature enough to negotiate in good faith and not get all weird about it when you present them with Claire's Fuckbuddy Bill of Rights. lol

Life is so funny. Gotta love it. Try to laugh at it. As a Canadian tv guy I like, Red Green, likes to say..."I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together."
 
nycindie said:
LOL, you want the BFE!
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After all the time I have put into giving guys the Girlfriend Experience, I wouldn't mind seeing things from the other side!!!

Spork said:
They seem to want either The One, or the one night stand. You want something that isn't either of those things. A nice, breezy, casual, no pressure FWB dealie, heavy on the "friends" and fun with the bennies, but off the escalator and a "no discussing other partners" rule.
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I just worry that a lot of the things I want contradict each other :cool: I want a no pressure, no escalator fwb thing... but I also want emotion and passion and romance.

I want closeness and honesty... but I get so uncomfortable hearing about other partners. That one is the toughest, really. Because I have such a hard time explaining it, communicating what bugs me and why. I'm fine hearing about someones day to day life with their partner(s), or even meeting them. I just have this knee-jerk, lizard brain hurt when someone tells me about their attraction or feelings for someone else.

Part of it is simply an instinctive "oh, this person is taken" reaction that causes me to back off when I hear about a wife or girlfriend. Another part is... more complicated. I would not feel any need or desire for partners outside my marriage if there wasn't a *reason*. In my case it's sexual incompatibility, but I could imagine plenty of others. But when some guy talks about his relationship like it's all unicorns and rainbows, I'm left thinking, well, then why are you here with me? Then the overthinking starts, and I wonder, why is he telling me this? He must want me to know I'm unnessecary, unimportant. He must be trying to remind me of my place, make sure I don't forget that if I'm too much work, I'm expendable.

That's the "not poly" side of me, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to re-wire it. I'm never going to truly get why someone who's 100% fulfilled in one relationship would seek other romantic partners, as opposed to just friends, or hook-ups for variety, or both. I have pretty much given up on trying to change how I think, because it just didn't work (and drove me insane). So now I'm working on finding somewhere I can set a boundary that is fair to a potential fwb but doesn't put me in uncomfortable situations.

Claire's Fuckbuddy Bill of Rights
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I may write this fabulous document.
 
My anxiety is just off the charts today :(

There's plenty contributing to it - craziest time of year at work, Andy is off for two weeks and bored and expecting me to create some magical Christmas for him, it's freezing cold and I haven't been running in days. But where the anxiety is ending up is obsessive stress about Clark.

This is the recurring thought circle...

-->I really don't have time or energy (or desire) to see Clark over the next couple of weeks - between family stuff, friend stuff, and work, I'm burnt out

--> he's going to be disappointed and lose interest in me

--> that's ok, if he can't handle busy weeks where schedules don't align, he's not a good fit for me anyway

--> but what if, instead of simply ending this fledgling whatever-it-is, he decides to find another girl to actually date, but keep me around for emergency booty calls when he's bored and horny? and here I am, thinking he likes me, but he's just using me for easy sex? and laughing at me behind my back? with his wife and his real girlfriend? all of them just ridiculing and judging me for being a loser stupid slut who thinks I matter?

--> oh fuck fuck fuck, I better figure out a way to make some time to be all girlfriend-y this week

Repeat ad nauseum :cool:
 
I'm going to give you the advice that I would wish somebody would give me. I feel you SO FUCKING HARD just in the overall sense of feeling like you have to step up and make other people happy and earn your place in their lives. ohmygod do I ever. I have gotten to the point where I've damn near completely ruined Christmas for myself because for so long, I busted my butt, on top of working full time, sometimes also being a full time college student, I had to Make Christmas Happen, or no one else would.

Let me say, if you don't have children (I don't think you do..?) maybe don't, or if you do, be careful... Because it's that feeling, dialed up to 11 all the time. And it sucks. And it had me pretty much thinking about my ex, "I do everything, and you do nothing, you overgrown lazy child. I'm clearly the only adult here." Respect? Gone. Living a life of martyrdom not only to others, but to my OWN need to be this perfect person who is on top of all the magic and being all the things to the people in my life.

It is a good way to turn what should be a nice time, into hell. And damage relationships too.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
My anxiety is just off the charts today :(

There's plenty contributing to it - craziest time of year at work, Andy is off for two weeks and bored and expecting me to create some magical Christmas for him, it's freezing cold and I haven't been running in days. But where the anxiety is ending up is obsessive stress about Clark.

This is the recurring thought circle...

-->I really don't have time or energy (or desire) to see Clark over the next couple of weeks - between family stuff, friend stuff, and work, I'm burnt out
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So let him know that life is kinda hectic right now, and ask for a couple of weeks of forbearance. Let him know that you have really, really enjoyed his company, and want to continue to, but you're just kinda overwhelmed at the moment. You're human. He's human. He'll be ok.

--> he's going to be disappointed and lose interest in me

--> that's ok, if he can't handle busy weeks where schedules don't align, he's not a good fit for me anyway

--> but what if, instead of simply ending this fledgling whatever-it-is, he decides to find another girl to actually date, but keep me around for emergency booty calls when he's bored and horny? and here I am, thinking he likes me, but he's just using me for easy sex? and laughing at me behind my back? with his wife and his real girlfriend? all of them just ridiculing and judging me for being a loser stupid slut who thinks I matter?

--> oh fuck fuck fuck, I better figure out a way to make some time to be all girlfriend-y this week

Repeat ad nauseum :cool:
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And here you are bouncing back and forth between "I wanna be The Girlfriend" and "I wanna be the FWB" again. You know, maybe writing down (and sharing with guys like Clark!) your own FWB/FB Bill of Rights would be a good idea. I think if for no other reason, to help you stop confusing yourself! You would not say that he isn't allowed to have true love, or a more deep and significant relationship, just because he is your Fuckbuddy or FWB, would you? You know that wouldn't be fair, right? Why do you think it's disrespectful to you, for him to do that, automatically? That he would be laughing behind your back? You know what that sounds like to me, Claire? A Gremlin. Do you need a set of fondue forks? I have some...only used metaphorically! Never for actual fondue! ;)

You know damn well that your value has nothing to do with whatever Clark decides to do with his life, or anything he thinks or says. I imagine he would not be so cruel as to mock you behind your back, or act as though failure to overextend yourself for him makes you a loser slut. If he feels that way, then he isn't ready to do poly with someone in your situation anyhow, and he's a mean jerky jackalope you don't need around. You absolutely do NOT need anybody in your world who is gonna judge you for:
a.) Being a busy person
b.) Liking sex. On your terms, whatever you decide those might be.

So...this is not about Clark. This is about you and your gremlins. And you ain't got time for that shit.

So! I suggest that instead of chasing the nasty little inner messages whispered by the gremlins, instead you ask yourself, "What makes me feel better?" and get a bit of self-indulgence in, put on your oxygen mask and breathe for a little while, and then bounce back and take care of business!

As for a magical Christmas? What would happen if you put it into Andy's hands? Seriously? If you said, "Look. I'm fried. And you've got some time off. Here is some stuff that I want to see happen, that is stressing me out...can you take some of this off my plate, please?"
 
Spork said:
And here you are bouncing back and forth between "I wanna be The Girlfriend" and "I wanna be the FWB" again. You know, maybe writing down (and sharing with guys like Clark!) your own FWB/FB Bill of Rights would be a good idea. I think if for no other reason, to help you stop confusing yourself!
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I was thinking the other day - I wish there was a vanilla version of a Dom/sub relationship. Something where I would have an important role, and feel needed and wanted, even without the escalator. Something where we could negotiate and be upfront about our limits and boundaries. Something where I didn't feel dumb saying, hey, this is a big deal to me, I need aftercare ;)

As for the "girlfriend" vs "fwb" thing...

I know that I want something that is fwb by my definition... but I don't know that other people would call it that :confused: I wish I could wrap my brain around the whole "off escalator relationship" concept, but I can't, because in my head, the potential for maybe merging your lives is what takes something from being fwb to being a "real" relationship.

Story time...

A few years ago, my grandma bought some cheap seafood salad at the grocery store, and offered us some. I looked at the label and it said, "made with imitation lobster". Hmmm.

Me: What's in this?
Grandma: Imitation lobster.
Me: But what is it?
Grandma: It's imitation lobster!
Me: But what is it REALLY???
Grandma: Imitation lobster!!!
Me: I don't know how to ask what I'm trying to ask...
Me: I feel like words are failing me here...
Me: Ok. So, the stuff in here, what did it start out as in life? What was it before it started imitating lobster?
Grandma: Oh. Who knows!!!
Andy (laughing so hard at all this that he's in tears): I think it's fish.

And THAT is how I feel trying to understand how two people can be "in a committed relationship" without any of the stuff that's traditionally associated with committed relationships. Just like I had no idea if I wanted to eat imitation lobster without knowing what it actually was, I have no idea if I want to be someone's girlfriend, because I don't know what that means if we're both already married.
 
You seem to get REALLY hung up on the terminology though even when you are clearly aware that your definition of those terms doesn't necessarily line up with most people. To me, what you want (FWB but with all the emotional stuff, just no escalator) IS a boyfriend. But to you, it's a FWB. I think you'd do yourself some good to stop paying attention to the terminology all together and only talk in terms of the actual things that you want. If what that ends up being is that dude thinks of you as a g/f and you think of dude as a fwb but you're both on the same page as to what the expectation is? Well that doesn't really matter. The actions matter, not the words/terms.
 
You know, the sad part of all this is...

Even let's say you get it ALL FIGURED OUT, right? And you know what your needs and your boundaries are, and you know how to explain them, and you lay those cards on the table with a hot Mr. Date and he is just all about it and everything is honey smacks. Life couldn't be better.

People have just this way of evolving in weird directions like a wild vine, where whatever you think you're doing in the beginning stages could turn into something else, or you figure you understand others and they understand you, only to find that WHOA! I didn't know you felt that way! How on earth did we get from over there, to over here? What happened?

Before you know it, life is imitating lobster.

I'm sorry, that's just awesomely funny. I'm gonna start trying to use it as a phrase now.

"This whole situation ain't nothing but imitation lobster! I'm outta here!"

Man. That's great. Really.

But ya know, I thought everything was easy peasy chill an' breezy with my quad, and did not figure it would break any hearts when I dialed it back and stopped girlfriending them. But first of all I forgot that it was anniversary time with Analyst, and secondly, I think Hefe MIGHT have been at least a little bit in love with me, and even Fire was disappointed, and holy smokes was I blind. I hurt them more than I meant to, and more than I realized I was doing at the time. But I'd been on and on for ages about how voluntary I felt the whole thing was, and how nice it was to just relax and hey...we'll do this thing until we don't feel like it anymore, yeah?...cooool.... Yeah, no. There were seriousnesses cropping up that I was not even aware of! Me, the intuitive, empathic, extroverted one, who is supposed to be so good at reading people. Well. I think part of my problem is that I put myself down (gremlin shit) and so I can't quite believe that people like, love, care about, or respect me, even when they're giving every sign that they do. I feel like, past the point where anyone really gets to know me, they're just putting up with me for whatever reason. That beneath the surface, I'm not likable or lovable at all.

But yeah, I HAD been told that for instance, Analyst did not have "expectations" when actually...he really kinda did. And I completely underestimated the gravity of the whole damn thing, with everyone involved in it, more or less.

Sorry, I ramble, point is...even if you know and can articulate what you want and you think everyone is on the same page, it can still wind up going kinda sideways. Best we can do is try to enjoy what we've got today, stay calm about tomorrow, and just LIVE. I figure.
 
Woke up sick today :( Ugh children and their germs. It did give me some time to think, though. To mull over why I am so insistent about not being poly and not being anyone's girlfriend.

When I read the endless threads here and on other sites from scared newbies to nonmonogamy, it seems like most people have a deep fear of being replaced. As in, dumped... They fear their partner finding someone they like better and leaving them. I don't have that fear. I mean, being dumped sucks, having a relationship end is painful, it's not something I'd be happy about. But it doesn't terrify me. It's survivable. It's probably for the best, in a lot of cases, I mean, if someone is happier with a different partner, they should be with that person.

No, what gives me panic attacks and breakdowns isn't being left, it's being trapped. Being stuck in a relationship that makes me miserable, being used and ignored, being forced to sacrifice my own needs indefinitely so that others can get what they want.

Basically, I'm scared of my childhood :cool: Of being used as an emotional punching bag, treated like shit, unable to escape.

I'm afraid that *committing* to someone means I have to stick around and work to make them happy, even when I'm past wanting to. That instead of saying, I'm unhappy, I'm going to end this relationship, I have to worry about the other person's feelings, devote months to trying to change how I feel about the situation, try to compromise, try to fix it. Those are things I'm willing to do in my marriage, but honestly? I don't care enough about having a second relationship to do them with another partner. Especially since the types of things that are likely to make me unhappy are more likely to occur in non escalator relationships. Not enough time, too much intervention from other partners, things like that.

Whenever I have thought about my "fwb bill of rights" , it ends up boiling down to one simple thing. I want the right to end things if I'm unhappy. Which seems so basic and obvious. But... there is such a culture of "self growth" and "overcome your insecurity" and such in poly circles. To the point where I feel incredibly guilty for not necessarily wanting to do that work. I'd rather not have a second relationship than have one that requires me to constantly battle my own feelings and desires. I'm just scared that by ever asking a partner for anything I'm somehow forfeiting my right to leave if I'm no longer happy.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Whenever I have thought about my "fwb bill of rights" , it ends up boiling down to one simple thing. I want the right to end things if I'm unhappy. Which seems so basic and obvious. But... there is such a culture of "self growth" and "overcome your insecurity" and such in poly circles. To the point where I feel incredibly guilty for not necessarily wanting to do that work. I'd rather not have a second relationship than have one that requires me to constantly battle my own feelings and desires. I'm just scared that by ever asking a partner for anything I'm somehow forfeiting my right to leave if I'm no longer happy.
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I think this "self-growth" thing isn't supposed to make you change your desires, let alone "battle" them. Changing desires isn't so direct. With feeling it's a tiny little bit more complex because fear sometimes does require somewhat of a battle, but it should be always for something, not against something, if you understand.
You're not asked to overcome insecurities or whatever selfgrowth if you don't have positive motivation to do so. And by positive motivation I do mean a desire (to be happier, to master your emotional management, for your partner to be happy,...), as opposed to negative motivation (fear, guilt, shame). Negative motivation doesn't work longterm.
My take is, that you and only you decide on the way you want to grow, although I don't hold the decision not to grow altogether for possible or wise.

In plain words: You are allowed to opt out of personal development, or choose your own direction, just as your can opt out of a relationship.
 
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