The story of Spork.

Not a ton going on today. Went to Old Wolf's house last night. Having a hard time giving a damn about the things he's got to say. I'm tired. Really tired. And not only tired of him, but just too fatigued to care. To do the mental work of thinking too hard about stuff right now.

We are supposed to get some snow and ice tonight. So I'm looking forward to going home after work and being a shut-in and I might even take a nap. God that would be lovely! A nap. mm...
 
I didn't leave my apartment all weekend. Zen and I even skipped our brunch that we have been doing on Sundays, because the secondary streets were still icy. In fact this morning, they were still yucky, but the sun has been out today and now they're better.

Zen and I have talked bunches about future stuff. And we talked on the phone Sunday. It was good to hear his voice. I had sent him some really ridiculously LONG emails, and discussed all sorts of "what if...in the future..." kinds of stuffs. And then after I do something like that, man, by the time Sunday morning rolled around, I was half convinced that he was having doubts but just didn't know how to tell me...he reassures me so much, often, and incredibly well. But I'm scared I'll do something wrong, push too hard, say something that is too far, too much, too over the line. And then he talks to me, or I see him, and the tone of his voice, his touch, his eyes...that's all it takes. I'm settled. It feels almost like a tank though. A tank of OK-ness. Where I'm not worried or scared of anything, just in love and happy. Being near him, or even hearing him talk on the phone, hell even getting a message from him...contact fills up the tank. But when we aren't together, it's like a fuel I'm consuming. And when it gets low, I start feeling shaky inside.

I've never been this way with anybody. But there are lots of things I've only ever experienced with him.

Old Wolf sucks. Everything about that end of my life sucks, except that I'm resigned. He has latched onto one of my phrases, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" to mean that he is justified in dropping every single thing he's agreed to and running off to Oregon. Ever since I told him I was considering bankruptcy, now he is talking about doing the same thing, and abandoning the house, and sending our son to live with a friend of his, and just packing what he can take in his vehicle and off he goes.

I'm sorry, but if he does that, completely abandons his every obligation, including things that we agreed to in the divorce, I might have to go to court. If not to have him held in contempt for his failure to do everything he was ordered to do, including the abandonment of our boy, then for a child support modification and order for him to pay for Q's support. I didn't want to do that, but I might. If he'd upheld the agreements we had, I would very likely have just let him go get on with life and not asked for anything.

Mostly I'm mad because he is so obsessed with being alone and miserable, that all he does is play video games, masturbate, and get high in the garage, every minute he's home, and pine over Song, and he isn't doing ANYTHING to help our older son be ready for the adult life he plans to just toss him out into. Like he has not taken him to open a bank account. He is not helping, nagging, or encouraging him to learn to drive. He took ownership of the job, and he is not doing it.

I give it to Ninja though, he just finished the first semester of his senior year, and he's been one to really struggle in school, and he has stepped up and done pretty well. He got one D+, in his hardest subject, but the rest were A's and B's. And that one class, I was scared he might not even pass, so even that is a "win" as far as I'm concerned. But it was all the kid motivating himself, his Dad has just basically checked out.

If I did not know for an absolute fact that switching Ninja's school would cause him difficulty in graduating, if not ruin his chance of that altogether, I would be considering bringing him to live on my couch. But really...I don't know that it would be any better. I'm not very effective at motivating him either. Old Wolf is, or was, when he cared enough to put forth an effort.

Thing is though, I did know, and predict, that him being able to refinance the house might not be easy like he thought. I had concerns about it. Right now that's the main thing he's bent out of shape about. His plan isn't working the way he'd planned it, and it's everyone else's fault and not his, and he wants to just give up on everything and run away.

Meanwhile. I am finally making really good headway on a really cool art project. When I make art, there is a phase I call "fragile infancy" where I'm trying to get the substance of an idea out of my head and into the world, usually with an initial sketch or set of sketches. It's in this phase that most of my projects fail. I refuse to show any piece to anyone when it's in this place, because there is about a 10% chance it will meet with my desired expectations and look like what I want it to...and if it doesn't, then it's garbage not fit to be seen. Period. There is perfect, and there is trash. No in between, with me and my creations. But if a project survives the fragile infancy stage intact, there can be a point where I know I've got a winner happening, and that's where things start to get exciting for me.

I have had people ask me, about finished art projects, how long it took me to complete. I can say, "a month and a half" or "a week" because I'll often have a concept of what day I may have started a thing...but in hours? No way. I start when I start, and I stop when I must, either because I've got somewhere to be, or my eyes won't focus properly anymore. I can't track hours. Work on a good project...time flows differently. And it's a pretty wonderful thing.

So that's good.

Otherwise...I am kind of under the gun to get a number of things accomplished, so it's a busy week. Sadly, there are a couple of discussion groups this week I'd love to go to, but I doubt if I can make it. I missed out on a party this weekend, and pyro workshop, but the weather was dangerous so I wouldn't have gone anyways. The discussions...it's only my busy to-do list keeping me from those. I need to finish Christmas shopping, and work on this art, and another couple of projects on my radar, and make sure I've got the food I need to cook for Christmas, and so on. Lots of stuff going on.

But tomorrow night is my night with Zen.

You know, it's kind of funny. I was this adventuresome poly person who found that mono is a more sane and comfortable fit. And I am this freaky freak into all of this BDSM and stuff, but I absolutely LOVE missionary sex. I feel a little ashamed of that, because it was another thing my ex accused me of being boring and bad in bed over...but it FEELS good. I get all nice and smooshed, tons of skin contact, deep penetration and a nice rubbing stimulation, all at the same time, everything about it feels great! I don't really like being on top much. My thigh muscles and hips start to ache pretty fast. And unlike the more deliberate kinds of pain I enjoy, aches and such are unpleasant and distracting. I still try to hold out whatever I'm doing as long as I can, but parts of my body just fail and give out. I don't get it. I'm only 37, and I don't understand how things hurt or ache or cramp or fall asleep so bad that I've got to switch positions so often. Problems with my neck. Problems with my hips. Always something.

Besides which, it is a huge turn off for me, to feel like I'm in control. I am pretty thoroughly a "bottom." But at the same time, I don't like when my lover feels he has to "do all the work" either. I wish I could find a position where neither one of us has to be uncomfortable or doing "work." I have yet to find one though. I still want to buy one of those "yoga trapeze" contraptions I keep seeing on Facebook ads though. I think it would be fun and interesting to try at least. For things besides yoga.
 
Spork said:
Besides which, it is a huge turn off for me, to feel like I'm in control. I am pretty thoroughly a "bottom." But at the same time, I don't like when my lover feels he has to "do all the work" either. I wish I could find a position where neither one of us has to be uncomfortable or doing "work." I have yet to find one though.
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Spooning!!! Lots of skin to skin and you both get to just lie there :D My favorite middle of the night or wake up quickie position.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Spooning!!! Lots of skin to skin and you both get to just lie there :D My favorite middle of the night or wake up quickie position.
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Oh yeah, that's true! Can't forget that. One of the things behind my Spork name. Kinda wanna spoon, really wanna fork... :cool:
 
Just noticed that I have a "rating" on my thread...someone came along and gave me 2 stars, which according to the rating system is "Bad." I find that sort of funny, as though I write this blog to entertain anybody but myself.

Seriously, first and foremost it's a place for me to process my thoughts. Secondly it exists so that a few people who know me in life, if they feel any need to check in on my status as far as how I'm feeling, thoughts I'm thinking, or stuff going on with me, they can do that. They don't have to, but they can. If anyone else happens to read it and it amuses them or any points resonate, then cool...if not, then whatever. It's not as though readership of this endless thread of my thoughts gets me any kind of material benefit. Jeez.

Yeah. Funny. Don't worry, whoever wants me to know that my blog is "bad", I was most certainly NOT planning to quit my day job, and odds are, I'm not writing it for you. :rolleyes:

******

Christmas prep continues. I am at the point of amputating bits of planned activity that are not necessary, to try and keep the "omg so much to do and no time!" feelings at bay. Have a couple more places I want to go shopping tomorrow in search of last minute things. Need to get the food and wrap the gifts.

My apartment is every bit as nice a space as I'd hoped it would be back when I used to dream and muse over it, when I was longing to escape Old Wolf's house. It's got my own stuff and character everywhere, a place for everything, it's well decorated but not cluttered, in my own estimation. But it is funny, I am reminded of something. When I was a little girl, they gave me Barbie dolls and stuff. My friends would use the dolls the way they were probably intended, they would dress them up and roleplay with them. I saw it as more of a model building endeavor...I needed to use whatever was to hand, to create a "home" for them. I would take cardboard boxes and draw on the outsides, the features of walls...electrical outlets, light switches, and framed pictures, windows and doors, which I would cut out, and even hang little cloth curtains. I'd carefully fold washcloths to look like beds and sofas. I would make a miniature sink with a piece of Pez candy for the soap. But once this scene was set, I didn't walk the dolls around and pretend they were real. I carefully posed them, and just sat and looked at what I had made. When I was with my "best friend" (actually probably not, she was just the only friend I had who was my age at the time, most of my "friends" were adults) she would roleplay with the dolls and I found that really awkward and bizarre.

Is it weird that I feel almost like I am doing this in real life now? Like I've created my own perfect little world, and then I just sit on my couch, and look around, and everything is perfect, and I'm there with my cat. And unless I've got something I need to be doing, I have nothing further to do, but go to sleep. On weekends like that, I feel so odd. I usually wish that someone would come visit me and see what I have made, this little haven of mine...I'm like a robot in service to it, or a ghost haunting it. It's a really weird feeling.

It's just too small though. It's a little cramped to fit Zen and both of my sons for a meal or a visit all at the same time. Imagine if I were still dating a bunch of people! So I look forward to living somewhere I can get a table big enough for my little family and maybe a couple of visitors, where we might eat or play board games or card games. That would be very nice.
 
Last night was for sure a "fill up the tank" kind of a night for me with Zen. I am happy and love-saturated.

Other than that, I was pleased that I got the errands and tasks done that I'd planned to accomplish yesterday, and my holiday to-do list is looking sort of manageable. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe.

I still have to skip a couple of discussion groups I like though, because I need the evenings to get stuff done...but it's all good.

The cat and I are negotiating which of the Christmas ornaments belong to him. When I was decorating the tree, I had a pile of various ornaments I wanted to use chosen and set out in the lid of a box on the table, and he found one he liked, a green jingle bell with a ribbon on it, and he stole it and ran off. Well the bell is too big for him to eat, and the ribbon is tied on securely, so I decided he can have that one to play with. Now, years of small children, and then cat, have taught me not to mess with glass ornaments. I just plain know better. But I do decorate with feathery birds, and strings of pinecones and cinnamon sticks and fake berries, and there are a few balls covered in glitter which you would never know they're plastic if you don't inspect them very closely. I would think that the cat would be after the feathery birds, but no. There is one specific ball he keeps knocking off and stealing and I keep finding it in odd spots in the apartment (the bathtub) and putting it back. It's become something of a game between us...

Life just feels happy and not too stressful at the moment, and I'm thrilled about that. I feel like the drama overall is diminishing, and I'm getting back to myself, untroubled by troublesome thoughts and big confusing feelings, and just able to live and be. I feel like whatever happens outside of me, I'm getting more and more back to "my old self" who was confident she could ride out any storm with calm equanimity. I feel like I can breathe again.

On the one hand it's a little odd since I still have external cause for stress and worry, but I guess some of the most significant energy shifts and phases of living have to start within. ??
 
Oh man, I wish my cats would let me off that easily with a tree! The first time I did a tree with them it was a small fake 4 foot tree. I knew I had to test how they would do so I had a set of ornaments that was all bows, fake poinsettia leaves, and such.... I couldn't even get the tree fully up and decorated before the cats were on it like catnip! Within 2 days EVERY ornament was stripped from the tree and scattered on the floor, and when I picked them all up they just pounced in and chewed on the undecorated tree.

I currently have white-board paper on 2 sides of a load bearing pillar that divides my kitchen area and living room in my apartment and just drew have a tree on each side so it's "3D." Makes decorating easy.... but it's just not the same!
 
breathemusic said:
Oh man, I wish my cats would let me off that easily with a tree! The first time I did a tree with them it was a small fake 4 foot tree. I knew I had to test how they would do so I had a set of ornaments that was all bows, fake poinsettia leaves, and such.... I couldn't even get the tree fully up and decorated before the cats were on it like catnip! Within 2 days EVERY ornament was stripped from the tree and scattered on the floor, and when I picked them all up they just pounced in and chewed on the undecorated tree.

I currently have white-board paper on 2 sides of a load bearing pillar that divides my kitchen area and living room in my apartment and just drew have a tree on each side so it's "3D." Makes decorating easy.... but it's just not the same!
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I am very lucky. My boy is a 16lb big fluffy cat and the trees I buy are real ones, and the branches are dense enough and twiggy enough that he can't get into the tree very easily without getting poked, and he doesn't want to get poked or have stuff snagging up his fur. So if there's room, he will get under the tree and hide, because it's a fun spot to ambush us from...but he doesn't try to climb in it, and he is very particular about only stealing certain ornaments.

It is however box season, and he's pretty excited about that.

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This is interesting.

There was one particular ornament the cat liked and he kept taking it and I kept putting it back. Thought we had a game going on. But after a few days of this, he apparently had realized that no matter where he takes it, I'm just going to put it back on the tree, and he's decided he is tired of playing. So now, he does not steal it, but he will get up on his little cat tree thingie which is next to the Christmas tree, and right by THE ornament, and he'll sit there and look at it, and look at me, like he expects something to happen.

I'm starting to wonder if it's my turn and I am supposed to take it and hide it in the bathtub or something.

If I do, then I will be fairly convinced that in a cosmic sense, the cat has won, and humanity is doomed. I'll be sure to let you all know how this battle of wills plays out.

What else... Well, Christmas shopping is pretty much done. I'm debating maybe running over to the mall, just to see if there are any last minute things that speak to me. But it's not really necessary. I still need to buy food for the feast, but that can wait until pretty much the last minute. Got my art project done, so that is cool, and I need to wrap gifts. It's like...I still have plenty to get accomplished, yet it doesn't feel impossible or overwhelming, and that's great.
 
One of my cats picks up the magnetic ice-skaters from the wind-up rink and drops them on the floor. It is hilarious to watch.
 
Ha! Yeah, I love those kinds of silly things they do. I sat in a chair in my living room yesterday, one of those overstuffed ones with a low back that my cat likes to sleep on sometimes, and I had on a Santa hat. Nimbus came racing up the back of the chair and attacked my hat. Fortunately the hat was plush and fluffy enough to protect my head from his claws, but he sure put a lot of energy into assaulting the thing on my head.

I continue to resist his efforts at mind control with regard to the ornament. He either admires my resolve, or is convinced I'm too stupid to even learn simple games. I'm really not sure.

I did go to the mall yesterday on my lunch break, which was a profoundly dumb-ass thing for me to do. I didn't feel under any pressure to buy any particular thing, just figured that if anything small jumped out at me I'd pick it up. Well...

First, bear in mind this is an upscale shopping area full of big box stores. We have off of this road, a Best Buy, a Barnes & Noble, the mall, a Walmart, you name it. The intersection to turn left to get into Shopping Hell, was backed up three blocks, through three lights, just to make that turn to get to the road that would take you to the parking lot.

I was stupid. I sat. I waited. I parked.

Then I got in there, and I tried to go into a few stores that I thought might yield results, and each of them was so crowded and claustrophobic (small stores with small spaces to move around, full of humans...eeek!) and when I saw the lines at the cashiers' counters...I was like NOPE and I noped on out, giving up on whatever shopping might have occurred, because my anxiety levels were just climbing.

(I am normally not one to suffer anxiety attacks or issues like this...but I was already tense due to the waiting/parking situation, this just kept making it all worse. And the clock was ticking, I only had an hour.)

Well, I had a secondary objective...a craving for a cup of hot apple cider. I used to be able to get that at various coffee shops during the fall and winter, so I decided that shopping could fuck off, I already have enough gifts anyways, and I'll go searching for a nice happy hot beverage.

... So first I see this "organic healthy coffee alternative" shop. They don't have cider. They do have tacos. I have no idea why. I walk by an Auntie Anne's pretzels and the line is down the hall, and while a pretzel sounds lovely, the line deters me. I continue. Upstairs, I head for the food court. There's another sort of pretzel place, that also has coffee drinks. And pizzas. And Dippin' Dots. And funnel cake. I think that the owner must have some interesting voices in his head. But, there is no line so that's nice. I decide to get a pretzel, and I search the menu for cider. No luck. I ask the girl if there are any other coffee shops around in the mall that might have cider, besides the place downstairs...she says no. The pretzel takes FOREVER. The teenager making it looks stoned. Finally I get my pretzel. I turn around. There is another coffee shop diagonally on the other side of the food court, in clear view of the girl who, moments ago, had told me there were no other coffee shops in the mall. But they, also, do not sell apple cider.

Properly disgruntled and utterly ciderless, I take my inferior if meticulously hand-crafted pretzel and fuck off back to work.
 
Merry post-Christmas! Mine was pretty nice!

We had tacos and enchiladas and beans and rice. My decorations were sparkly and beautiful, my music was lovely, we did presents and watched movies. Zen liked the painting I made for him.

Poor Zen, he is sick. He was sick on Christmas and he said that had it not been Christmas, he would have begged off getting together Sunday and stayed home. But knowing how much effort I put into holidays and that it means something to me he took some meds and came on out. I was really grateful for that, although I might change my tune if I catch his cold (kidding...he is worth it.)

We are looking forward to New Year's Eve at Voodoo. It's a formal masquerade with a bit of a steampunk theme. So I've got to work out my attire for that. I have several ideas I need to experiment with. It's a good thing I do my best work last minute and under pressure...

And I am seeing an awful lot of "poly vs mono" conversation going on. Or, "why poly doesn't really work for me" talk. You know, it's funny...I was poly saying, "yeah, I could be mono again, it wouldn't be a big deal" much to the shock and denial of my poly friends who were like, "yeah but why would you when poly is so much better?" or even worse, "no, you are poly and your needs will never be met with only one partner." Which I found pretty offensive that this person felt they could explain my own needs to me like that. Now I am closed, mono, with Zen, and I am thinking well...under certain circumstances, I could imagine being some sort of poly, it wouldn't be a big deal. I just don't think it's a big deal either way. It's just whatever is working in life, or what is not. Like, Zen said, after I prompted him and prodded him to tell me, that he would be more comfortable if he were the only man I was having sex with. He said that of course like most men, he finds the idea of girls with girls to be pretty hot, so that wouldn't bother him, but he would rather be the only guy in my sex life. He did not ask, or demand, or assume anything. He just let me know what his preference would be, and what makes him happier and more comfortable in our relationship. And I made the choice to do that, not just for him, but because really I don't NEED more male sexual mojo in my intimate diet. My sex-with-men needs are abundantly and completely met with him. This works for me and it works for him. But just being the one to grant that exclusive right to someone instead of having it assumed and taken and defended like Old Wolf did... Zen respected from day one that I'm a human being and that I've got ownership of my sexual choices, and that this is only something I can give him. That means the world to me.

So we're closed, and we're mono. But. I don't feel threatened in the slightest by the idea of him having sex with another woman. I feel more threatened by pornography, for some reason...IF...I am able to know the other woman and she and I are cool, or better yet it were a threesome situation and we all had fun. That idea doesn't bug me, in fact knowing how much enjoyment he might get out of it makes me wish I could just make it happen.

But.

It isn't fair in that situation to expect the HBB unicorn type gal to not have some boyfriend out there in the world, what if she wants or expects me to play with her and him? No, now we are coming up against the "one penis policy" in MY relationship, which I neither need nor want to violate.

And my Zen is...well, he is a particular sort of taste. If you ever had a dream that was more real than reality and you tried to explain it to someone but they didn't get it or care, and your words failed to make what was in your head and your heart real before their eyes...that's how I feel trying to explain to people why Zen is amazing. Like I go in feeling like, "they're not going to get it, whatever..." or like trying to explain a hilarious "you had to be there" moment. So much of what binds me in love to him is beyond my ability to put into words, and I expect that most women...looking for whatever it is that most women are into in men...might not see what I see. If anything I feel honored and privileged that I am able to see it, to experience the depths of the man I love. I don't expect everyone to get it. I don't care.

But that doesn't lend itself easily to contemplation of recruiting a lady for sexytime with us. And frankly...while I'm not possessive, I am protective. If anyone hurt his feelings I'd probably be pretty angry at them.

So the whole thing seems like kind of a big hassle for a pair of people who are pretty happily in love right now.

But I can still say that the IDEA of it does not put me off, particularly.

And that furthermore, the concept (in theory only) of having a small group like 3 or 4 productive adults contributing to the cost and upkeep of a good sized house, seems pretty neat...a poly household where everyone was chosen family. The problem with that is how hard it is to find real compatibility with just two people (let alone more)...and the additional difficulty of cohabitation. I've been in shared houses in my younger days where being roommates destroyed pre-existing friendships. Not cool. So getting that sort of thing to work out is probably so much easier said than done.

So it's like...I can think of all this stuff, with an open mind...but I see a lot of potential problems in it.

And mainly...my needs ARE met. For maybe the first time in my life, really really met. I still wish I had a non-sexual girlfriend where we coordinated girl dates and girl fun, just to get some more female social and emotional energy in my life...more so than I do. But otherwise, I really don't need any more partners, and Zen is thrilled that he has me.

I honestly just can't cast a vote for whether poly or mono is inherently "better" but this particular mono thing is workin' pretty well for me.
 
Oh-kayy...

So Fire made a pretty hilarious joke last night. She said that she was watching Barbarella (lol?) and that this scene reminded her of me and Zen, so she messaged me the Youtube link...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu7GgZbCLsY

...both because of the activities and because the man in the scene looks a little bit like Zen (yeah, he kinda does, though I have successfully encouraged my Zen to grow a bit of sexy facial hair.) I responded that in all fairness, I'm the one who can't keep up with him, but hey...it's fun to try!

I certainly don't feel like I've got the sexual stamina to make our toys burst into flames or anything! haha... No, Jane Fonda I am not.

"I'll do things to you that are beyond all known philosophies! Wait until I get my devices."

Now THAT is the kind of thing I'd hear from Zen though. Yep. That sums it up pretty well. Our sex life in a movie quote. :D

So I put in some time last night trying on different clothing for this Steampunk party thing. I'm having a hard time deciding. I can wear my blue Alice in Demented Splendor dress...

I own the blue dress ONLY, not all the other stuff shown in the pictures on this page: http://www.heavyred.com/GOTHIC-ALICE-IN-WONDERLAND-COSTUME-p/1130.htm

...with some cool black and white accents, and this option is the most comfortable and the least effort and alteration needed.

But it is also...not very steampunk.

OR I can wear the steampunk skirt I made, which I don't have pictures of handy but it is really a piece of work. I took five dresses, chopped and sewed them for over a month, and turned them into a fancy skirt. It's cool. But unfortunately it is very heavy and very uncomfortable. And I need to make some alterations to it. Actually I do need to make some minor alterations to both outfits, so that should not really be that big of a deal. I've been thinking that if I did some more seamstressing I could perhaps turn the Steampunk skirt into a dress, which would let me redistribute the weight somewhat and make it more comfortable to wear. It's a thought anyhow. I'm not sure if I have the time to get it done.

And then there is the problem of a mask.

If I were being very clever indeed, I'd have made a combination mask/goggles, or even something a bit reminiscent of a plague doctor bird thing...but it would be able to encompass and conceal my glasses. I have masks, but it's a problem because they don't work with my glasses. I made one for the last masquerade party we had, and I did not like the end result, though the idea was kind of clever I guess...it just didn't turn out right...

If only I had contact lenses.

It might actually be easier to get an eye appointment and get a trial pair of contacts I can wear, than to figure out some kind of a mask thing that I can still wear my glasses too. I'm so nearsighted, and I really do not want to be blind for the party.

*sigh* Always something! lol

Hmm...
 
I have tried something like that, and it still looks...odd. Not quite right.

Think I've made up my mind. I will begin by making a half-mask out of lace, but avoid some of the mistakes I made the last time I tried to do so. It can be worn flush to my face and under my glasses. I think. Actually I'm kind of liking the idea of taking my glasses and measuring a template, making a frame that begins by looking like goggles, but fits over the glasses with them as the lenses, and attaching like a white leather bird beak and a few layers of pretty white feathers. Combo glasses cover, masquerade mask, and steampunk goggles, all in one thing! Anyhow I'll start with the mask, and get that accomplished first.

I'll plan to do the work on the steampunk skirt to make it into a dress and wear that...but I'll keep the easy Alice dress in reserve in case I don't get it done. It can be the backup plan. :)
 
So pretend for a moment if you were close to a famous person who died, he was a friend, and you got through it both despite and maybe also because of the many other friends you have who were just as devastated as you were. And there you are. Right after his death for some bizarre ass reason, bajillions of people came from who knows where and suddenly DEMANDED FRIENDSHIP of you and anyone else who knew him personally, wanted to get into the "I know somebody who knew the guy" club and get cozy with the rest of the band and whatever and within two weeks you're so overwhelmed you can't even talk to people. Then in the years to follow you watch fractures form in the core, the bandmembers and family and friends in that town, now people hate each other, are threatening each other, now it's a battle over his name, his image, his estate, his ideas, now even people like me are somehow expected to choose sides and for fucks sakes ENOUGH ALREADY. So ya kinda check out. Sadly. With regrets.

And then...and THEN...

This...person... She never met the guy. She was a "fan" but she NEVER MET HIM. And she started showing up in the scene trying to promote her knock off band, which was not good, and her costuming, which was also not good, but was appropriately disgusting, and she's kind of nice, but not real smart and she's sort of a pudgy short little trollish kind of a person.

She is now telling everybody that she is a psychic and that she is involved in an intimate and sexual relationship with the ghost of our dead friend.

As I sit, speechless, I see one of the old school fangroup (who was friends with the guy) say to her, things like "It's ok sweet heart, you just be you. Don't pay any attention to the haters." No, I'm sorry, but the haters are right this time. The fuck are you thinking of, you silly little...just...I...*unintelligible splutterings*

Like even were such a thing remotely possible, I knew the man's girlfriend, and other women he chased...he likes 'em smokin' hot (she isn't) extremely intelligent (she isn't) very talented (she isn't) and usually both viciously cruel and crazy in a "crazy bitch will cut you" way. She is crazy in the "sweet, cute, not right, but basically harmless" kind of way. She's about as far from his type as one could conceivably be, and if his ghost were able to be boning anybody it most assuredly wouldn't be her.

And for some reason that bugs me about as much as any of the rest of this, and on top of everything else that has happened since DMB died, I could flip a table, or fling a bunch of papers in the air and walk away, symbolically I feel like I need some kind of a gesture to properly convey "FUCK ALL THIS SHIT, I AM DONE. DONE!!!"

Look folks. With all of these celebrities dying all over the place, maybe there is something that deserves to be said. If there is somebody you were kind of into, or a fan of, and they die, and then you see people on social media who claim to have known the person or a community of mourners for whom the feelings are really real...if you are possessed by some impulse to seem closer, or attached, to this community and want to try and participate in the grieving even though you didn't know the celebrity, if you feel the need to befriend someone because, wow, they actually KNEW Carrie Fisher (or Prince, or Bowie, or whomever)...don't. OK? You aren't helping. These people know there are fans. They know that you and a crap ton of others admired the celebrity's work and really liked them in that one movie or song or whatever. They don't need to hear your voice right now. And trying to get "in" to some kind of an "in crowd" riding the wake of a dead person, it's like crashing a funeral, it's just ugly. So if you ever have that opportunity, pass it by. Leave the people who actually knew the person to do the mourning and the grieving. If you're sad, maybe talk to your own friends about it.

And no. The ghost of Carrie Fisher in the Princess Leia as slave bikini outfit is not trying to have a relationship with you, even though you were a really big fan. I promise.

Fuck...
 
Trying to focus on good things.

Wrote a rant about my ex, then deleted it.

I'm mad at him. But I don't really want to talk about it. I'm just too tired to feel what I think I should feel, or really examine any of that right now.

Met Zen for lunch. His energy really brightens my mood, so that is a wonderful thing. I'm very happy about that. We had pizza, and snuggles.

Got a cool idea underway for a combo goggles/mask thing that will incorporate and cover my glasses for the party. Essentially it's like a petite version of a plague doctor mask concept only in white colors and less creepy, more birdlike. If I feel like it, have time, and think it would work, I might even attach some horns onto it to make it more "ballroom scene of Labyrinth"-esque. We'll see, I'm not committed to that bit just yet.

It feels very good to do creative work. Very, very good. I cannot for the life of me understand the reticence that takes hold of my spirit sometimes when it comes to art projects. The thing that sees me go a year without making anything, then when I set my mind and heart and hands in motion, manages to produce really good stuff...why I cannot be more consistently productive, I'm not sure. Why it's so hard to get started, get moving, I don't know.

But this has me thinking, I know Zen has heard me talk about how one day after my kids are grown, I've thought maybe I'd do something creative for a living. Well I have sure considered it and that dream isn't quite dead...but yeah, I do think I should finish up my accounting degree even though I really don't want to, and pursue better paying work in that field for a while. He has mentioned the notion of doing something creative for a living, too. Well, to the question of "what if he did not have a regular paycheck or job" I told him I would be fine with this so long as a.) We could afford it, and b.) He was keeping busy enough to be mentally healthy. Frankly I've seen not only with my ex, but others, that long periods of more or less idle unemployment just isn't good for your head. Human beings need to have a purpose and something to do, I firmly believe. But if we got to a point where I have this well paying career, and he's doing some kind of a part time photography gig, hey, as long as we're all getting on just fine, living to the standards that make us happy (for instance, we aren't too broke to occasionally visit family or go to Comic Con or something)...hey, I'm ok with being the main source of household income.

It would be neat, if we had, say, a savings cushion big enough one day, to do something creative and entrepreneurial as a team. I'll keep cooking little ideas in the back of my mind, never know what might be possible someday. But I've never been terribly hung up on the amount of money a man was making in life. Just that we can live happily together.

So, I'll be looking into going back to school. Even though it sounds like a tremendous pain in the butt. For one thing, the proceeds from my student aid should be an immediate help in getting us moved into a house together. I need to talk to the counselor though, because I think it's two classes for half time which qualifies me for aid...like if I were taking only one at a time, I'd have to pay out of pocket for it. But if I'm taking on student loans and stuff to the point where I get overages refunded back into my hands, which I plan to, then I could do two classes at once for maybe one term or two, with (hopefully) easier classes...then when it came to the harder advanced accounting classes (which really aren't that hard, I just need to refresh what I knew from when I was in school previously, because I barely remember)...maybe do those classes one at a time, and pay for them myself. It would take a little longer to graduate, but I'd be less likely to give up and quit again, if I were able to slow down to one class at a time for the harder ones. I think.

We'll see. Anyhow I'm thinking about all of this. Options. I think that Zen and I can build a really beautiful life together.
 
Just saw a woman on Facebook who is part of a poly group I was in at one point, she shared a text-meme-thing (just one of those text only inspirational blahblah images) that said:

"I want a bestfriend I can sleep with, make love to, travel with, shop with, dream with, and live with. I want a life partner, someone that I can laugh with and build with. Somebody that I can trust with all my heart, my money, and my life. Somebody I'm not afraid to lose because I know they'll always be there. A relationship with love and loyalty, I'll take that."

And she commented in her post of it, "I'm poly, I want a tribe of you."

Here is where things get a little murky and ??? in my thoughts on polyness. Like it's easy to say I'm mono now. I am. I'm monosexual for sure with Zen at this point, and would only change that if I got involved with a woman, and then...only if I was VERY VERY SURE that she wouldn't try to get me into bed with any man of hers. Yeah good luck on that. So...monosexual. Fine. That's cool. Zen's amazing.

What sucks so bad is the whole time/energy thing. Like I want so badly to have a "tribe" that's almost asexually poly-ish...sweet, loving, snuggly friendships, people to do fun stuff with. Just no fucking. I want to get together for coffee. I want to be able to do fun stuff with small groups of humans. I want to be able to invite them over (once we've got room) for card and board games. Like I want nice tight friendships, a "tribe" of "chosen family."

But the part that is so frustratingly HARD is that I also want to make art, and play videogames and put together jigsaw puzzles and exercise more and go back to school and read books and sleep in late and spent time with just me and Zen and do more stuff with my kids and be part of "The Community" and I HAVE to work full time, like it or not, and and and and...

There's no time.

And I get exhausted just thinking about it.

Like I want to grab all the pretty shiny humans I adore and pull them into my life but there isn't room for them, and me too. And Zen, and my kids, and my cat. And then some of them (friends) have hard times, and I want to be there for them, but I don't have much money and I don't have much time. So I'm a bad friend. I don't always have much to offer.

Unfortunately...something Fire said, and I took it a different way than what she meant at the time, but it comes back in moments like this...I have to choose. I simply don't have the resources to do it all and have it all.

Choices that are a given are Zen, my kids, my cat, my job. No question, no doubt, and no choice. Those are the things that simply ARE.

The rest...I guess I've got to figure out a way to chop up my calendar to devote time here and there to the other things maybe.

Well anyhow.

I'm looking forward very much to Saturday night. Zen and I are going to the New Year's Eve masquerade steampunk party thing together. And it's going to be another BDSM and sex party, and so we'll get some public play in, which feels so SO good to me, since I'm an exhibitionist and everything. Just hoping I have the time to get everything done that I want to, for the costume....
 
I worked really hard and got all of the costume elements complete in time for the New Year's party. I did not get every embellishment I had in mind onto them, but I managed time well enough and did enough to be satisfied.

Got loads of comments on my stuff, so that was cool. And the music was enjoyed and well received, too, which also made me happy.

Zen and I had a beautiful time. He does such wonderful things to me. I would say though, that Saturday night was amazing, and Sunday morning, and night, also both amazing...but Monday, we were both perhaps running out of steam. At least I know that I was. We had the rare good fortune that our time off work lined up and we could spend so much of it together, but sleep is still hit or miss when we share bed space, and we stayed up late having fun anyhow. So a combination of exertions and sleep deprivation...yeah, we were winding it down on Monday. Yesterday. Actually we were up late last night, too, because we were watching a movie together. And I am still a little out of it. But tired or not, I want him still, and he is off today, so I'll see if he is up to fill & thrill me yet again. I've got a very talented lover, and I am his very fortunate girl.

And it begs the question about living together, how we'll manage if we're shagging like rabbits morning and night...but I suppose we'll still be working around asynchronous work schedules though. We'll just have to figure out how to keep our hands off of each other long enough to get things done... :p

I felt, this morning like I might be getting a bit droppish, but in fact I believe my problem was more one of low blood sugar. I ate and now I feel much better. Now I'm only somewhat tired. But I won't let that stop me. And he at least should hopefully be rested.

Oh, and despite the fact that I'm not the biggest Star Wars fan (I prefer Trek) we went to see Rogue One and it was pretty good. There was a blind guy in it who was pretty damn cool, probably my favorite dude in the whole movie, and since I know that people can get tetchy about "spoilers" I won't go on and on about it. Though I'll say that we did not spring for the cost of 3D and I'm glad we didn't. I know it's the thing now, that all movies of much significance get released in 3D, but frankly only SOME of them have any business having a go at that format. And this movie was perfectly enjoyable without it. Speaking of 3D, since I'm tired and rambly... you know, I really wish they would re-release Avatar for a limited run in theaters in 3D again once in a while. I know a lot of folks were critical of that movie, but I quite liked it. I'm into visual effects in films, that's pretty much my main interest (my favorites? Guillermo Del Toro. Oh my god the visuals in his movies...) So on that note, I think it's fair that I really loved Avatar, and I would love another chance to see it again in the theater in 3D. Man, when it WAS in theaters, I must have seen it 5 or 6 times. Every time I found out that a friend hadn't seen it, I was like, "Come on. We're going." Yes. Unobtainium is a dumb-shit name for anything ever. Same as Indomitous Rex from that stupid Jurassic Park movie (which was awful on so many levels.) But we like what we like, now don't we? And I liked Avatar.

And I'd love to see Hellboy II released in 3D. And in fact I need to get more Del Toro movies, I should really make sure I've seen all of them. And...

Fuck I'm tired.

Alright. Enough rambles.

Onward. Gotta get through my afternoon...
 
I really love Avatar too. I saw in in the theater, and recently it was on TV. Pixi and I have a big projector TV and it was just as good there as on a theater screen. I didn't see it in 3D.

We had planned to go see Rogue One on Xmas Day but it didn't work out. We got a rain check and I want to go see it very soon! I've been hearing nothing but great feedback about it.
 
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