BDSM discussion

This is just here because I'm not sure where else to post it. I had a dream last night where I was with a group of people and I wanted to do something (can't remember what exactly) and someone in the group (which was a person who I had seen irl earlier in the day but didn't really know) said to me "Shouldn't you be asking your owner permission first?" (referring to redpepper). I couldn't stick around in the group after that.

My feeling is that I'm my own person and no one owns me. I think that's my biggest fear of becoming involved with bdsm at all is that I will somehow become the property of someone else. I just wanted to get that out since it's been on my mind this morning. Thanks!

-Derby
 
Derbylicious said:
I had a dream last night where I was with a group of people and I wanted to do something (can't remember what exactly) and someone in the group (which was a person who I had seen irl earlier in the day but don't really know) said to me "shouldn't you be asking your owner permission first?" (referring to redpepper). I couldn't stick around in the group after that, my feeling is that I'm my own person and no one owns me. I think that's my biggest fear of becoming involved with bdsm at all is that I will somehow become the property of someone else.
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That's a great dream, and in such detail.

You have the right to whatever you want in your own bdsm listing. Just make hard rules like "I don't not want to be referred to as property and am not owned by anyone" Some people like that, but some don't. Don't only come up with or explore your potential fetishes, find things you don't like and list them.

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

Create your own bdsm checklist and hold it as truth. Be as flexible as YOU want to be. I may eventually sub for someone, but I have the same hang-up. For the longest time, when I discussed personal submission, it was only ever a physical contest for me. I would only submit if someone could actually force me to. While I have never submitted to someone, this has been modified quite a bit to be more inclusive.

Some people live the lifestyle, some people live the lifestyle in the bedroom, and others play. :)
 
When you haven't really participated in any way before it's a little hard to know where your limits are. I have so much to learn and I don't even feel like I have the tools to know what to ask.
 
Derbylicious said:
I think that's my biggest fear of becoming involved with bdsm at all is that I will somehow become the property of someone else.
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BDSM can be dress-up and play, with no lingering dynamic, if you chose it to be. I am very submissive at events and love the idea of being owned by Redpepper during these times. You can have fun with it, for sure. And you don't need to go as a submissive to anyone. Lots of our friends just go to watch, but enjoy dressing up. I have other friends that live it 24/7.

I'll stay on the leash. GRRRR... You can just have fun. Besides, I might need a nurse if Redpepper has built up any more strength by the next event. I like it heavy and hard. :eek:
 
Derbylicious said:
When you haven't really participated in any way before it's a little hard to know where your limits are. I have so much to learn and I don't even feel like I have the tools to know what to ask.
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Limits? My nipples are a no-go zone, pretty much. And sharp little smacks on my lily-white butt sting like crazy! Other then that, you could pretty much beat the shit out of me with a wiffle bat. :D
 
MonoVCPHG said:
BDSM can be dress up and play, with no lingering dynamic, if you chose it to be. I am very submissive at events and love the idea of being owned by Redpepper during these times. You don't need to go as a submissive to anyone. Lots of our friends just go to watch, but enjoy dressing up. I have other friends that live it 24/7.

I'll stay on the leash. You can just have fun. I might need a nurse if Redpepper has built up any more strength by the next event.
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Dress up and play I can do. 24/7 not so much (at least at this point). I tend to get a little ahead of myself in my mind and jump right to the end of something, rather than just taking the steps along the way. Not everything has to be set in stone right now (or ever, for that matter). It's a journey, much like the discovery of poly has been, and my bisexuality before that, both of which I'm pretty comfortable with now. But neither were things that I discovered quickly, by any means, and there was a lot of redefinition along the way.

-Derby
 
MonoVCPHG said:
you could beat the shit out of me with a wiffle bat
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A whiffle bat? Aren't those the orange ones with the holes in them? I think I've seen people beat the shit out of each other with those, but those people tend to be under 4 feet tall! :D
 
Derbylicious said:
When you haven't really participated in any way before it's a little hard to know where your limits are. I have so much to learn and I don't even feel like I have the tools to know what to ask.
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Well, you just defined one there. Experiment, have fun with it and communicate clearly your fears and if you feel a limitation. I will give you an example. I was more experienced and far more aggressive in bondage play than Pengrah had ever experienced. Our first experience together was too much for her. She had to create a hard limit for being completely bound. Limitations come with a caring partner and experimenting.

That brings up an interesting point in my head. I wonder how many people were introduced to bdsm in a manner that turned them off, without patience.
 
It's taken me years to grow into what makes me tick. I prefer subs to be confident, attentive and intelligent. They need to be able to be independent, yet attentive to my whim. Always an eye on their mistress to see what she requires. Always doing what they are told.

You can have the brats, Ari. I don't need any more children, although at one point I understood that appeal. Now the punishment I give out is for psyschological reasons, rather than bad behaviour, although I would give out some discipline for that too, if need be.

I love that I protect Mono at events from other dominants and from women who are looking for a master. Really, I do this in all aspects of his life, including buying him a ring to wear on his wedding ring finger so as to deter women from hitting on him. He takes much comfort in my protection and I take much pleasure in protecting him. At home he is free to be in his domain and free to decide, as long as it pleases me, that is. Quite often I will tell him what I require and he is eager to please. He is not so eager when it's about something other than sexual, though. But then, we don't live a 24/7 lifestyle.

Nerdist used to listen to me, but doesn't listen to anything, anymore. He is very independent and it is the cause of many of our fights. We fight a lot. His submissive nature is what drew me to him in the first place and that is gone now, except when he needs me to be dominant. Then I am in my element and that is when we are at our best, as far as I am concerned. He would disagree. He thinks that is his worst. What do I do with that? When I am at my best, he is at his worst. It's been hard for me to let him go and just do my own thing. What drives me crazy is that he will do things roly thinks are right, because she has said them, after I have said the same thing for years. I'm going off on a tangent, sorry.

I am glad I have found a relationship with Mono, because I doubt Nerdist and I would be together still if I didn't have an outlet sometimes with him.

My lovely Derby, you and I have not broached this topic at all. I find it fascinating that you are interested and discovering for yourself if it means anything. You know you can always ask me anything. If I don't know the answer, or it warrants research for yourself, then I will help out. I like what we have talked about, so far, in terms of pictures you want to take and what you have discovered. That is a good place to start.

Your dream is interesting. I wonder if it is to do with the topic, or about control in your life? There has been some craziness this spring for you. Lots of things are going on beyond your control. Maybe it relates to that in part, along with your newfound fascination with BDSM?
 
redpepper said:
You can have the brats, Ari. I don't need any more children, although at one point, I understood that appeal. Now the punishment I give out is for psychological reasons, rather than bad behaviour, although I would give out some discipline for that too.
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I can totally understand that. I have no kids. Maybe in the future, when I have kids, I won't want to deal with that side.
 
So is a brat someone who does things that are "naughty" with the intent of getting punished?
 
Derbylicious said:
I can see how that doesn't have much appeal to those with small children LOL
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I would disagree a bit. That is one side of being a brat. The other side is the fight when trying to tie a good sub up. There is a pure element of domination-submission that isn't just about being disobedient. There are also levels of friskiness. Some just like to wiggle and be a nuisance, others like to scratch and fight their way into submission, and some just lie there and get tied up. All in all, good times.
 
You'd be a scrapper, I think, Derby! :D

Mono is a waiter. He waits while I tie him up good and tight so he can't get out and then I inflict pain and verbal abuse. I don't have the physical presence to physically take a sub down, but I do have a wicked tongue and don't put up with shit. Barking out demands seems to do the trick.

Haha. This conversation is making me very happy. :D What on earth will we talk about around the campfire in August, Ari? We'll be silent, probably, having talked it all out here! :p
 
redpepper said:
You'd be a scrapper, Derby! I don't have the physical presence to physically take a sub down, but I do have a wicked tongue and don't put up with shit.
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I could show you a thing or two about taking people down who are bigger than you are. You just have to take them out above the knee. :D
 
redpepper said:
This conversation is making me very happy. What on earth will we talk about around the campfire in August, Ari? We'll be silent, probably, having talked it all out here!
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I am sure we can find someone to practi... I mean, talk about. :) There is more to me than just poly and bondage practices. We will actually get to meet the other parts of ourselves.

For those who are really into rigging and roping it up, there is the Houdini factor. I love subs that make it their goal to bust out of tie-ups.

I have to say, I miss it. Pengrah and I aren't as into it with each other as we could be. I have had someone offer to sub for me. Unfortunately, it would be non-sexual, as I am not attracted to her. I tend to like to mix my games, as it were.
 
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