How to cope with giving other 2 members of a triad alone time?

[EmpressReese]

So I currently live with my partner of 8 years, in a college dorm. We've recently both become involved romantically with someone who lives 4 hours away. She is coming to visit in a couple of weekends as a surprise for his birthday. They have met in person in the past, but her and I have not until this point.

My question is -- this is the first time I'm meeting her, and also the first time we're spending time in person as the three of us (we've skyped altogether and done that kind of stuff, but have never been in person as the three of us) -- and today, the conversation came up between her and I of what happens if she wants alone time with him. The first night her and I will be spending together because she is not getting in until 2am, so me and her are staying in another room overnight (this won't look suspicious to him as I sometimes have sleepovers with friends) and surprising him the next morning when he gets back from class. He has a test that morning, so we didn't want to surprise him late the night before or in the morning before class and distract him from his test.

He is going down to visit her 2 weeks after for a week, at the beginning of March, so I hadn't really thought about the two of them having alone time the weekend we're all here. I understand why she's asking, since I always have the chance to be alone with him as we live together. But I have 2 internal conflicts about this..

1. I don't like that she brought up spending alone time with him that weekend by saying, "It's going to be torture waiting to see him again two weeks later. I arrive at the amount of alone time the two of you get together and that does make me jealous. My situation is inconvenient." This makes me feel guilty for having so much time with him, even though him and I have been together for 8 years and live together. It also makes me feel like my presence is basically a c*ck-block for the two of them.

2. Before her and I had planned for her to visit that weekend, I had cleared my entire weekend to do birthday things with him. We were going to go to the movies, out to dinner, and go out with friends Friday/Saturday, and just generally spend the weekend together. So I have no plans that would take me away from our apartment that weekend. So, for them to have alone time, I would physically have to leave my room and find something else to do. Additionally, I have anxiety, which is usually manageable but I don't know how manageable that will be when I have to leave my own safe space to give them alone time, in a space that is as much mine as his. There is nowhere else that they could realistically be intimate because we live on a college campus.

I understand where she's coming from, and I'll understand as well if anyone wants to tell me that I'm being unreasonable. Since she doesn't live here, the separate intimate time mid-hanging out as all 3 of us, has never come up. Her and I are at the beginning stages of our relationship, and her and him are a little bit further along, but only by about 8 months, time-wise. And the three of us together is also only a couple of months old. So to be honest, I do feel a little bit threatened about the idea of being sexiled from my own space for the two of them. I'm not sure what to do.

Since I do want a triad, as do both of my partners, is it unreasonable to be hesitant to let the two of them be intimate in space that has always been just mine and his?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Sounds like these are things you and GF could have talked about BEFORE when you were planning this surprise trip. Could call it lesson learned -- you are all new.

1. I don't like that she brought up spending alone time with him that weekend by saying, "It's going to be torture waiting to see him again two weeks later. I arrive at the amount of alone time the two of you get together and that does make me jealous. My situation is inconvenient."

Don't take it personally. This is about HER feelings, not you. Maybe she just wants validation.

Say something like "I'm sorry it feels like torture. I'm sorry you feel jealous. I can see that you being the LDR partner is a drag."

"See" her first. Then move on to talking about you. Do not talk about you first.

Then tell her how you prefer how to be made aware. Again, all are new. Some things have to be taught.

"When I hear what sounds like complaints about the trip after I've tried to help and be accommodating, I feel taken for granted or unappreciated. I want to work things out with you, but without it dinging me. We are all learning here.

In future, if you need time alone with BF and we haven't planned it, could you please be more willing to bring it up with NVC format?

Something like "I see time alone with you the first night. I see all these fun trio things on the plan. I also need time alone with BF too. We also need to plan for that. Could you be willing to talk to me about it?"

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm

2. Before her and I had planned for her to visit that weekend, I had cleared my entire weekend to do birthday things with him. We were going to go to the movies, out to dinner, and go out with friends Friday/Saturday, and just generally spend the weekend together. So I have no plans that would take me away from our apartment that weekend. So, for them to have alone time, I would physically have to leave my room and find something else to do.

Again, don't take it personally.

"I see that we could have talked about this sooner. I built the weekend around birthday activities together because I thought the purpose of the trip was to spend time in trio. I failed to consider it and you did not bring it up til now that you might also want time in duos. How do you propose to solve it? Shall we ask him what he wants? Should we be prepared financially so you guys can go to a hotel and have privacy? Should I try to make plans that take me out of the house?"

And be prepared to go do something on your own if finances do not allow a hotel solution. Go grocery shopping or do laundry and give them a few hours alone. Maybe rearrange it so it their alone time is at the end of the trip rather than the middle if having it in the middle is more troublesome. Maybe you can spend the night with a friend and that gives you more time to arrange that.

Since I do want a triad, as do both of my partners, is it unreasonable to be hesitant to let the two of them be intimate in space that has always been just mine and his?

Well, there's always going to be a first time. But maybe you don't want them all piled up on the same weekend. First time meeting in person, first time hanging out in trio, first time surprising him, first time dealing with them sharing sex in the shared home. How about reducing some of the ones than can be reduced? Those that cannot? Call it lesson learned and in future visits try to plan better.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

There's co-ed rooms in dormitories nowadays...?

Overall, it sounds like an impending trainwreck. You made plans for the birthday, then somehow you decided to include her, & now you are being walked back further. Whatever happens, you will be The Bad Guy -- even if all (somehow) goes swimmingly, you'll receive reminders of how you could have given even more ground.

 

[tenK]

I don't know. It sounds like they have solid plans for alone time coming up pretty soon, so I'm not sure you should feel the need to sexile yourself from your room while she's there. If the pair of them want to vacate and go elsewhere, then that's their business. Obviously since it's a surprise, your boyfriend can't be planning that, but maybe she could be. I've been in my current open relationship for three years, and I'm still not cool with non-shared partner's fucking in my bed.

I'd probably follow gala-girl's advice a bit: acknowledge the fact that she is envious of the amount of alone-time you guys get, but reaffirm that the plan is that you all spend this birthday weekend together. To be honest, this is the first time you are all meeting and so presuming that there is real-life chemistry and a desire to hook up seems premature to me. Also, if this thing is heading in the direction of triad, is it not plausible that the first time you are intimate you are all together? One on one sex is very important in a triad, but if it feels natural, be open to the idea that your first experience with her is as a group.

Try to talk to him once the surprise has been sprung and see if he's content waiting until the following week or so. If not, then express your (very natural) concerns to him, and get him to figure out a solution that works for all. It's not on you to facilitate their alone-time. If after that, you need some alone-time with him to reconnect (it's your first experience of this, and I think again, it's very reasonable) then express that to them both. They can then decide what they prefer: alone-time for all of you over the birthday weekend, with new girl entertaining herself in an unfamiliar place; or keep to the plan of concentrated one on one time in a few weeks, followed by concentrated reconnection time with you and him afterwards. Honestly, typing that out makes me realise that there is a much higher chance of this going smoother down the line if you are able to do this in stages. 1) Platonic or sexy trio visit, followed by 2) him and her sexy visit, and a potential plan in the works for 3) a you and her sexy visit in due course. That's how I'd manage this thing. Good luck!

 

[Marcus]

Horse, Then Cart

Her and I are at the beginning stages of our relationship, and her and him are a little bit further along, but only by about 8 months, time-wise.

Since I do want a triad, as do both of my partners, is it unreasonable to be hesitant to let the two of them be intimate in space that has always been just mine and his?

I think that requiring this association to be a 'triad' is really forced. It is possible that each of you will have fantastic chemistry with the other, and that you will each have the patience and maturity to embrace a full triad configuration... but planning on it seems like putting the cart before the horse.

From what I have seen, the triad configuration is only going to work with a very specific group of people with sex drives and personality types that magically line up. There is not a lot of room for error with this kind of precision balancing act. I would start with "do I like this person? how do they fit into my life?" as opposed to "let's see how this piece fits into the puzzle slot I've made available for them"

You seem like you've got your head on your shoulders, which is a great start. I just recommend letting go of this triad thing as a pre-determined relationship configuration.

 

[Lea]

So I'm hearing a number of issues. I'll address the ones that stood out to me.

As a member of a triad, I will say now, you need to let them spend time together alone. From my experience, a triad is only as strong as the links between the partners.

1. I don't like that she brought up spending alone time with him that weekend by saying, "It's going to be torture waiting to see him again two weeks later. I arrive at the amount of alone time the two of you get together and that does make me jealous. My situation is inconvenient."

This is completely a fair assessment for her. If my partners and I did not get alone time but the other couple did, I would feel very jealous and upset about it. I would feel like an attachment to THEIR relationship rather than a person with two relationships of my own.

Being a triad doesn't invalidate that couples need couple time, and when you're distance, that time is more and more precious.


That being said, I think it's very fair to be uncomfortable with having to leave your space for their couple time. Thus, I would suggest they GO OUT on a date. There is no reason their alone time has to be in your space. They CAN wait two weeks to get super physical if you aren't comfortable with that in the apartment you two share.

That being said again, I feel like if a triad is the direction you want to move, you are going to have to consider why this bothers you. Triads work best when the third person is supportive of what the other couple needs, all three ways around. Equally, if you're going to be a triad, are YOU and SHE a couple? Are you going to be intimate together just the two of you? Do you not want to spend time with JUST her as well?

Or is this a his gf situation and you're just a triad when you're with them and vice versa?

(I may not completely understand your dynamics. But I see triads as:

)


As for how to cope? You find other things to do, other friends to be with, other hobbies to have, or enjoy some alone time while they are together. I schedule time with other people or I'm just busy or sometimes I just know that they NEED time together for some reason or another and just find something else to do. They are better in their relationship with me when their relationship is good, and that applies all around.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi EmpressReese,

I tend to think that your partner and the girlfriend should have some time alone, largely because she is long-distance. I see that the way she requested it was hurtful, but I would think that's a separate issue, to be dealt with at another time. If you decide to let them use your bedroom, go ahead and make plans to go out and do something by yourself. This way their time together wouldn't be in your face so to speak.

I could be wrong of course. But anyway those are my thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You say your bf has met this other woman several times. Have they had sex? Or they were platonic friends and the romantic aspect is new?

You say you feel romantic towards this other woman. Are you both bi? Have you both expressed desire for each other? Were you planning on threeway sex with your birthday boy surprise? Is that part of his "present?"

When you 3 have Skyped, has it been sexual?

I am asking these personal questions to make clear to myself and the other board members what kinds of sexual expectations you and she have for the weekend. Not to mention your "in the dark" bf. It won't be much of a happy birthday surprise for him if his gfs are both feeling awkward and envious and suspicious of either of them having one on one time with him.

You sound like you are regretting helping to plan this birthday surprise, as you and bf had already made plans for one on one celebrations as well as celebrating with friends. Do your friends know bf has another gf, and that you are romantically (if cyberly) interested in her as well? If they do know, you could go hang out with those friends while you graciously give bf and the other woman 2-3 hours alone. If they don't know, and you go out to do something, what will happen if one of your not-knowing friends sees you wandering around alone on bf's birthday weekend? Do you have a fake excuse in mind?

Complicated! I feel that just having him to go see her for a week one on one would be less awkward. This all might work out though, if you are all gracious and generous. You allowed her to come to stay in your shared home. IMO, it's on you to be a "good hostess" and maybe graciously have some inconvenience from your invited guest. It's just temporary!

 

[Ravenscroft]

It's just temporary!

Any given fart is momentary, but some linger longer than others...