I'm currently living with a couple, I guess we're more like a v than a triad. It's been a long two year journey, and my attitude changes almost daily, sometimes minute by minute. We didn't really mean to become poly, but I guess we are now. Some days I'm happy with our situation, but I'm becoming increasingly discontented. I'm glad I found this...I'm hoping to learn some ways to cope and figure out what I want .
Welcome, j68junebug. I've only been here a couple of months myself, but have found everyone to be very welcoming and helpful - with lots of advice and information. I suspect that some of the veterans here will be able to offer you some solid suggestions in regard to your current feelings about your situation.
I am over a year into a quad and I still have feelings of fear and anger at times. As Emm asked, what is the source of your discontent in your estimation? Fear, anger, guilt or something else?
I think my overwhelming emotion right now is loneliness. We spend all our time together as a threesome. My bf and i have maybe one day out of every few months to ourselves...and never more than a few hours. He does spend every other night in my room with me, but he comes to bed late, I get up early, so that doesn't seem like quality time to me. But even then we have to be very quiet so we don't disturb his wife. When I try to explain my feelings to him he talks to his wife about it, then tells me she would be ok with us going out on a date just the two of us. It's almost like I have to have her permission to go out with my boyfriend. I feel like I'm not in control of my own relationship.
I am sorry you struggle. FWIW? I see two problems.
1) TIME MANAGEMENT
You seem to have managed the sleeping schedule. Why not make a date night schedule?
Could you set a regular time on the calendar for date nights alone with your BF? Like Wed and Saturday? Wife can have 2 other days alone, and then the other 3 you can split between time as a trio and dealing with the house errands and chores.
2) HOW YOUR BF COMMUNICATES
He's the hinge-- he does have to balance his time with both sides of the V on his calendar. So it's good that his wife and you are fine with sharing his time. That makes life easier all around if all participants are generous with the hinge's time.
But HOW he talks about it...
"My wife is ok with us going out on Friday"
vs
"Ok, I sorted my schedule. Let's go out Friday.
maybe makes a difference to you. You could ask him to use more "I" statements rather than "my wife says this" and "my wife says that."
Why do you need to be so quiet when you are at your shared home with your shared guy? It's just as much your home as theirs, I take it. Why did you get a place together if you couldn't be free to make a little noise?
Are you also uncomfortable to overhear their lovemaking sounds?
You could move back out and get your own place so you and bf have all the privacy you need and can scream out your orgasms.
In my case, my nesting partner and I share a home, but our OSOs are welcome, and my partner and I are fine with having each other have a visitor day or night for visits including sex. We don't care if we overhear each other.
But we don't want to have another partner living with us.
So, all polys do things differently. You have a right to negotiate what makes YOU most comfortable and fulfilled. Especially since you're living together! Dont you feel like a co-primary rather than a secondary by this point? You're not a second class citizen.
Greetings j68junebug,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
It sounds like you are getting shuffled down to a lower priority than the couple/wife; in other words, they are doing you a "favor" by letting you live with them and have anything to do with the husband, so you have to accept their way of doing things and be grateful. You need a situation where you are more on equal ground with the wife ... where he wouldn't ask her for permission to date you any more than he'd ask you for permission to date her. Maybe it's time to sit down with them for a sober conversation about these things?
I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
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Thank you everyone for the advice. I will definitely ask him to use the "I" statements. He does basically still ask her permission for he and I too go out, but maybe if I hear it worded differently it won't rub me the wrong way. ..
I wish I were considered a co-primary, but I think I'm more of a secondary partner. I'm pretty sure this is another reason I'm becoming more frustrated. They make all the decisions, it's their house so I've assimilated myself to fit into their life, etc. After reading some of the suggested articles about secondaries and couple privilege, I can see that I need to let some of my needs be known, and see if we can meet some sort of compromise. In the past, when I've mentioned that I've had hurt feelings, or I'm not having my needs meet, bf's reply was "you knew what you were getting into when we got together. " Unfortunately, I don't think any of us knew what we were getting into, We sort of got into this by accident and just aren't really sure how to go about things.
I just really want to make sure I'm not being unreasonable before I have a talk with him. I love him dearly, but I just don't think I can keep going like this. I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm hoping to get ideas of what works for others so maybe I can give him some things to think about, and hopefully we can make some changes that we can all be comfortable with.
Read the pros/cons of primary-secondary. It might help you realize that you feelings are not unusual.
It is possible that you were up for "primary-secondary" model to start out with, but now want to develop into "co-primary" model instead. So you need to know where your poly people are themselves at THIS new point in time. Do they also want to change what model you practice together? Or not?
Figure out if this is still compatible or not.
when I've mentioned that I've had hurt feelings, or I'm not having my needs meet, bf's reply was "you knew what you were getting into when we got together. " Unfortunately, I don't think any of us knew what we were getting into, We sort of got into this by accident and just aren't really sure how to go about things.
You might not know how to "do poly" since you are figuring it out as you go along.
But I suspect you know how you want your BFs to treat you.
Do you want a BF who will listen when you make him aware of your feelings? Or one who ignores it?
Do you want a BF who considers when you make requests of him and gives you an actual answer? Where you ask if he's willing to help meet a need of yours -- and he says "Yes, I am willing and able to do that at this time" or "No, I am not willing at able to do that at this time." Or one who makes excuses?
Since when does being in a mono OR poly thing mean accepting a "BF who minimizes my concerns and pooh poohs me?"
If you have been "shrinking yourself" to fit into this relationship, you could stop. Speak your truth. Ask for what you need.
BF can either meet it or not. You decide if you get needs met enough times for you to remain willing to stay.
If he's always blowing you off? He's blowing you off. You could choose to leave. Because your willingness to stay or not belongs to you.
Galagirl, you are correct. I started out ok with being his secondary. After 2 years together, I think I'd like more. I know the term secondary doesn't describe his feelings for me at all, but it does describe my place in our relationship. I think we've made it to the point that if I brought up the idea of a co-primary arrangement, they may be more open to it. If not, I'm to the point where I'll be ok emotionally if they can't agree and we have to call it quits. It helps to know I'm not being unreasonable. You've given me some good things to think about and some ideas to start some conversations with them
