Is this normal?

A

Astirarose

New member
Considering everything that has happened, this early on I suppose. My husband seems to want to talk (confide) in anyone else but me right now on the deeper stuff.

I get its probably awkward, but I really wish he would be ok confiding in me, I'm assuming its normal this early on.

I just wish he would, I know I can handle it... I just want to be there for him with this. Feels like he doesn't want me to be though.

Anyone have any insight to maybe why he doesn't seem to want to?
 
Just a point of order:

It's difficult to follow your story when you have so many threads going. Try to keep your posts contained to one thread and then we can follow what's happening with you and offer you support based on your particulars. There are usually a lot of stories going on here at once.

As to your question, it doesn't matter what's normal or what other people do, it matters what works for you. Couples handle the question of TMI in many different ways. Some people feel better with a lot of sharing and others prefer to keep the details private.
 
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Astirarose said:
I just wish he would, I know I can handle it... I just want to be there for him with this. Feels like he doesn't want me to be though.
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In order to be a good support for a loved one, we need to be able to handle both their emotional download (if that's what they need) and we need to be able to handle their going elsewhere for support.

Depending on someone emotionally is a balancing act of trust. One way to earn my trust (personally) is to be ok with my depending on you just as well as when I don't depend on you. Someone who demonstrates that they are stable enough to deal with my absence is on the road to demonstrating that they can deal with my presence... if that makes any sense.
 
Marcus said:
In order to be a good support for a loved one, we need to be able to handle both their emotional download (if that's what they need) and we need to be able to handle their going elsewhere for support.
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Ive been here for some of it, what he has shared, but I can tell he holds back, maybe with good reason. I dont want to imply that I want him confiding in just me, I understand needing sometimes even a few outlets, I'm just hoping he would feel safe eventually to come to me also.

Depending on someone emotionally is a balancing act of trust. One way to earn my trust (personally) is to be ok with my depending on you just as well as when I don't depend on you. Someone who demonstrates that they are stable enough to deal with my absence is on the road to demonstrating that they can deal with my presence... if that makes any sense.
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This is our first time with him going through something and me being the support. I admit I have to work on making him feel more comfortable being safe confiding. I feel though I have done a good job with everything he has confided so far. I haven't gotten angry at him, I haven't invalidated anything he has said, Ive just let him vent or whatever he needs to.

In case you are wondering, This situation was reversed 4 years ago, and it wasnt a poly situation, but rather an inclusion of his friend into our sex lives. (He was also a friend of mine, and the sex only happened once). It was even stricter then. Feelings were not supposed to happen but they did. But at the time because they were not, I felt tremendous guilt, and could not confide in anyone. That situation was cut off abruptly.
It wasnt where we were at the time, we had never heard of Poly, so I dont fault anyone for not handling the situation differently.
But its part of what I try to draw from when trying to understand where he is coming from now, and knowing that if I had just had someone to talk to, someone to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty I fell in love, it would have made the process so much easier to get through.
 
I can say that I usually need someone outside of the issues to confide in. Someone who is just there to listen to me, whether it's to vent or get advice. Someone who will just see my side but also call me on my feelings as well.

So yes, to me that's completely normal. He can't have conversations with you about his emotions without YOUR emotions being part of that. And sometimes we need to have a conversation about our emotions that is just about our emotions, our feelings, our side, so we can sort that out first before going into the discussion with the other person(s) involved.
 
I think it's totally normal for him to want to talk to someone who isn't emotionally invested in the situation. He wants to process how he's feeling and explore his emotions without having to take into account someone else's emotions around the situation. That takes someone who isn't involved in the situation at all, who doesn't have their own emotions about the situation. You can't be a neutral third party, you're too close to the situation to not have your own emotions about it.

It seems to me, from reading all of your threads, that you might want to think about the fact that you tend to immediately assign negative intent to a lot of your husband's actions. For example, you assume that him caring about how his ex girlfriend is handling the situation means that he cares more about how she feels than how you feel. Regardless of the fact that he's found out she's lied and manipulated people, this is someone he cares about, so it makes sense he's worried about her. It doesn't mean he doesn't also care about how you feel or that he cares less about how you feel. Another example is how you reacted to him and his girlfriend wanting to touch on your visit. It seems, from your description, that every time that happened, you immediately thought that he was doing it because he doesn't care about your discomfort and only cares about getting what he wants.

I fully admit that I may be seeing something that isn't there, but if you think that there's any truth to what I'm saying, you may want to think about why you tend to jump immediately to the most negative explanation, instead of assuming neutral or positive intent.
 
Hannahfluke said:
It seems to me, from reading all of your threads, that you might want to think about the fact that you tend to immediately assign negative intent to a lot of your husband's actions. For example, you assume that him caring about how his ex girlfriend is handling the situation means that he cares more about how she feels than how you feel. Regardless of the fact that he's found out she's lied and manipulated people, this is someone he cares about, so it makes sense he's worried about her. It doesn't mean he doesn't also care about how you feel or that he cares less about how you feel. Another example is how you reacted to him and his girlfriend wanting to touch on your visit. It seems, from your description, that every time that happened, you immediately thought that he was doing it because he doesn't care about your discomfort and only cares about getting what he wants.

I fully admit that I may be seeing something that isn't there, but if you think that there's any truth to what I'm saying, you may want to think about why you tend to jump immediately to the most negative explanation, instead of assuming neutral or positive intent.
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No I have to admit your right there and I need to get to the bottom of that. Bad relationships in the past maybe. But I do agree sometimes I jump right to the negative immediately at times. It is something I have been working on, trying to put myself in his place, and realizing it has nothing to do with me, but him just enjoying the moment he is in.

My thought process with him confiding in me;
Why doesn't he want to also share those deeps thoughts with me and let me help him through it?
Is he hiding something so horrible he just cant tell me, but needs to tell someone else?
After talking with him, he really just wanted another ear to bend as he says, it wasn't necessarily any new information, just another perspective. And even in all my negative thoughts that did occur to me, but I dismissed it.

Im trying to get a hold of these thoughts, But Im having trouble finding a resource to help me with this. For now I journal, Or I post here...

I work through things a lot more effectively verbalizing them, or writing them down. So a lot of what you see here are my initial reactions. I prefer the feedback to just journaling, although I like that as reference to go back to.

I have never been an internal work through, its always just led to more negative thoughts if I keep it in, letting it owt kind of minimizes and controls them for me, so I can really take a look at them.

I guess that's why you might see me being very OMG, why did he do that, at one moment, but once its out I can look at it and not long after realize where my thoughts were going and what I might have done wrong.

And the input I have gotten from this board has helped a lot as well, some of you that post simplify in such a way that makes it so much easier to internalize and understand.

I know a few of my posts have been the equivalent of the 5 minutes and write it all down without stopping or thinking excersize.
 
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@Alistrarose

Just want to take a moment to say that I admire your courage and honesty in coping with this. You caring for your husband shines through clearly as well as your determination to be the best you can be in the relationship, even when you feel like you are floundering so often and at times getting back pretty brutal feedback.

I think regardless of the problems you go through, this attitude will stand you well in life and relationships. I hope your husband realizes just how much you care and are willing to go through to remove sources of trouble bothering both of you.

I admire you for this.

Anamikanon.
 
Addressing your OP, I think this may be a good opportunity for you to learn to deal with jealousy. It isn't only about sex, you know. When you feel close to your partner and he turns to someone else in need, it is also jealousy when you cry out in pain "but why not me. I'm here for you."

Given how tenacious you are with working on your relationship, perhaps learning to handle jealousy over his seeking support from someone else will allow you to feel that you are still contributing to getting your relationship over rocky times, even if not actively under the heading of support, this is support.
 
Astirarose said:
No I have to admit your right there and I need to get to the bottom of that. Bad relationships in the past maybe. But I do agree sometimes I jump right to the negative immediately at times. It is something I have been working on, trying to put myself in his place, and realizing it has nothing to do with me, but him just enjoying the moment he is in.

My thought process with him confiding in me;
Why doesn't he want to also share those deeps thoughts with me and let me help him through it?
Is he hiding something so horrible he just cant tell me, but needs to tell someone else?
After talking with him, he really just wanted another ear to bend as he says, it wasn't necessarily any new information, just another perspective. And even in all my negative thoughts that did occur to me, but I dismissed it.

Im trying to get a hold of these thoughts, But Im having trouble finding a resource to help me with this. For now I journal, Or I post here...

I work through things a lot more effectively verbalizing them, or writing them down. So a lot of what you see here are my initial reactions. I prefer the feedback to just journaling, although I like that as reference to go back to.

I have never been an internal work through, its always just led to more negative thoughts if I keep it in, letting it owt kind of minimizes and controls them for me, so I can really take a look at them.

I guess that's why you might see me being very OMG, why did he do that, at one moment, but once its out I can look at it and not long after realize where my thoughts were going and what I might have done wrong.

And the input I have gotten from this board has helped a lot as well, some of you that post simplify in such a way that makes it so much easier to internalize and understand.

I know a few of my posts have been the equivalent of the 5 minutes and write it all down without stopping or thinking excersize.
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I do realize a lot of your posts are you talking through your feelings. I just wanted to point out the trend I saw because a similar habit caused rifts in my marriage and if helping you notice that you are tending towards that helps you avoid a similar situation, I'd be happy. Assuming at least neutral intent has made my interactions with my husband much better.
 
I want to point out that you are also going to others for support in this failed quad experiment! Ie: you've been posting here for a while now.

If getting more objective opinions and advice on this situation is good for you, you should be able to extrapolate that it is also good for him.
 
To all of you, I know.. Going through this is actually a bit humbling. I think he has tried to tell me some of these things over the years, but this is the first time I have really needed to dig deep and working on these issues.
 
Hi Astirarose,

I'm not sure how to convince your husband to confide in you. He seems to be determined to distance himself from you. You might want to consider whether you can tolerate this behavior on his part. Maybe there is a breakup on the horizon.

Maybe he'd be better off talking to a counselor? Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He and I spent the whole day talking yesterday, from like 7 am until 9 pm. It was all very productive and good. Neither of us wanted to stop talking, so much that even when one of us had to leave the house to pick up kids, we both went to continue talking.

I discovered a lot about myself, he discovered things about himself, we discovered some fetishish we both have that actually would have made the situation easier last week. He and I both enjoy being dominate, and its a turn on for us. Like a major turn on... But we also like being Sub to each other too.

Anyhow, I'm not going to get too much into that right now, But we talked and talked and talked. He opened up a lot about what he was feeling about the situation, I did as well.

He decided he needed to call her again, to explain why he wanted to back away.
He called and the phone call didnt last long, because he says she immediately instead of owning up to what she did, started blaming her husband. And that was the whole phone call, her blaming her husband for (opening his mouth and telling me what she did) and blaming him for everything.

My husband decided to Block her from everything and I did the same.

The amount of personal growth and even personal freedom born from going down this path is amazing. All the years of therapy I have gone through, throughout my life, never chipped away as effectively as the last 4 months have for me, and even really the last couple of weeks.

I defintiley feel on the path of truly growing as a person and being where I really want to be personally.

All of your very candid (and sometimes very stinging) advice has brought so much to the surface to face.

I truly appreciate everything that has been said on this forum to me.

He feels in control of the situation, and that the choices and what happens are now his.

Yesterday was a very good day for us, as far as communicating. We made a lot of progress on a lot of different things. We took a lot of advice and discussed some of your observations.

Its an amazing feeling, that we were able to talk to each other, that we felt comfortable to talk about anything yesterday without worrying about "hurting" the other person, and just realizing that it was ok if we caused twinges.

I cant remember the last time my husband and I talked for so long, and neither of us wanted to stop.
 
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Sounds like the ex-GF has been blocked and you both recognize that she's got issues.

Its an amazing feeling, that we were able to talk to each other, that we felt comfortable to talk about anything yesterday without worrying about "hurting" the other person, and just realizing that it was ok if we caused twinges.
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Sounds like you both overcame something pretty major.


I cant remember the last time my husband and I talked for so long, and neither of us wanted to stop.
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I am glad for that.

Galagirl :)
 
Happy for you both. I think both of you need a breather and a happy space.

Spexy and I went through something similar and it was almost like clinging to each other in relief and gratitude after the relationship surviving a major threat. Just content to talk and look back and look forward or be silent or whatever, but together. Very NRE. And in many ways it was - the relationship was a sort of new and improved one even if it was between us again.

For us, the experience taught us just how much our relationship means to both of us and we are both so much more communicative since.

Your joyous post reminds me of it.

Really glad the two of you are having this space after the rough time you went through.
 
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