It's a Texlahoma Story

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Lol. You and Andy do seem like such a good fit

We really are. I'm sure some of it is just that we've been together forever and have grown alike, but I also remember meeting him at 21 and thinking, here is someone who just gets me. His mind works exactly like mine. He sees things the same way. I never have to explain things twice or reword them to make him understand.

Which is great, obviously. But it also means that my way of looking at things gets reinforced 24/7, and I'm so used to that, and it can seem less like "how I see it" and more like "the way it is". That can make relationshipping with new people incredibly hard.

Andy and I see relationships exactly the same, we want the same things, we draw the lines in the same places. Love whomever you want, as much as you want. Have sex with whomever you want, as much as you want. Spend time with whomever you want, as much as you want. Those things can be shared and enjoyed without any damage to our marriage. Commitment, though... Partnership... In the romantic sense...We both see that as not just zero-sum but indivisible. Trying to offer it to more than one person kind of ruins it, invalidates it.

I know (now, after reading about poly for a couple of years) that not everyone sees it that way. I still don't get it, really, but I accept it. It's still incredibly hard, though, to *communicate* with people who see life and love so differently from me. We use the same words but mean different things.

And it doesn't help that I'll come home and say, "So some people think blah blah blah, but it doesn't make sense to me, what do you think?" and Andy just goes " I think those people are fucked in the head! "

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

On a completely different note...

To everyone out there who can't wait to pay off their mortgage... remember that instead of writing a nice, normal check every month, you will have to write one GINORMOUS check for property taxes every year.

Paying cash for the lake property was such a proud moment for us. Paying the taxes every year is painful. Not even in a we-can't -afford-it way. Just in a think of all the other things we could have done with that way. God I hate parting with money.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Do partners become ...not fully, but somewhat... more interchangeable with poly?

This is definitely something I've felt when dating multiple people. It's not that I stop appreciating each partner as a unique person. It's just that I don't really experience the whole "doing the same activity with different partners feels totally new and special because your relationship is unique" thing that so many people talk about. Sometimes it really doesn't feel all that different.

And when it does feel noticeably different, I usually have a preference. I do enjoy some activities more with one partner than another. I liked going to bars with Dag more than I did with Andy - he was just more into sitting and boozing for a few hours, Andy doesn't drink much (around me) and gets fidgety and bored as soon as the food is gone. I like going for sushi with Andy more than with anyone else, because we are unabashed gluttons .

I also find I have a pretty steady level of interest in activities, no matter how many people I'm seeing. I don't magically want to go drinking/eat sushi/go for a hike/have sex twice as often because I have two partners. With the activities where I prefer doing them with one person, I cut waaaay back on doing them with the other(s). When it feels similar, well, it does become mostly about convenience or who asked first.

I don't see that as terrible. It's how I am with friends, too. There are some things I love doing with D and don't enjoy with K, and vice versa. That's why most of us have more than one friend. Then there are times when I mostly care about seeing a certain movie, or going to a certain store, and I know I'll enjoy it equally with either friend. What I don't feel, or VERY rarely, is "wow, I loved seeing that movie with K. I can't wait to see it with D, because it will be a completely different experience with her". I might have liked the movie enough to want to see it again. Or I might suggest D go see it because I thought she'd like it. But unless it has some specific relevance for us and our friendship... I'm kind of like, I just watched that movie, can we find another.

Plus sometimes interchangeable is useful. I can't count how many things I've gotten out of over the years by saying to Andy, "why don't you take Steph?" For a lot of things - movies, trying a new restaurant - we are pretty interchangeable to him.

Having said that ... That sense of partners becoming interchangeable, and of having a clear preference when they aren't, it's a big reason I won't do nesting or life-building stuff with anyone but Andy. (And why I freak out at the idea of him doing it with anyone else.) I'd either 1) greatly prefer nesting with one, and be grouchy and resentful about doing it with the other, or 2) experience it as the same thing, and have to divide my fixed interest in "nesting stuff" between two partners. It's one thing to see half as many movies with Andy because I'm basically doing a mental coin flip about whom to take. It's a much bigger deal to, like, only buy food for the house every other week, because I'm sick of grocery shopping. Or to get cranky about having to carry my clothes back and forth, when both homes feel so similar to me that I don't see the point of leaving the one I'm already in.

TL,DR... Yeah, sometimes partners can feel interchangeable, in a way.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Sometimes I wish this site had a way to make blogs private or protected...

Most stuff, I'm either fine sharing it with the world or don't want to talk about it at all. But once in a while there's something I want to write about that I think could hurt someone if they stumbled across this blog somehow. I'm reluctant to put anything on the public internet forever that might cause anyone pain or difficulty.



Trying to figure out if this thing with Clark is going to work out, or if I'd be better off putting my energy into something else for a while. Kind of frustrated with myself for setting up super ridiculous expectations. Wishing I could stop comparing everybody to Dag. I don't even miss Dag, really, just certain things he did. It's like I want New and Improved Dag. Instead of just getting to know Clark, who is a completely different person.

 

[Magdlyn]

I didn't know you were still interested in dating Clark.

 

[Tinwen]

Sometimes I wish this site had a way to make blogs private or protected...

I also wished the blogs could be more protected -- at least in the sense that you can delete old posts selectively A lot of times I wish to share details, as I trust the people here, but the forever thing really bugs me. Also the visibility for everyone outside the forum, I would at least make it available for registered members only.

 

[Spork]

I also wished the blogs could be more protected -- at least in the sense that you can delete old posts selectively A lot of times I wish to share details, as I trust the people here, but the forever thing really bugs me. Also the visibility for everyone outside the forum, I would at least make it available for registered members only.

That is why sometimes when something feels like information too sensitive to put out on blast, but I really really want to talk about it, I might PM somebody and have a bit of a conversation.

But yeah...I have gone through big life phases where I was really comfortable sharing everything, and then had other times where I was a bit more withdrawn, but what worries me the most about the "it's out there forever" stuff and my tendency to overshare and be very "out"...is that one day if the social or political climate got more um...conservative?...or more radically so, and if someone wanted to ruin my life. Like my ex. He can be spiteful sometimes. I used to think I lived in a world mostly full of reasonable, progressive Americans that I could at least explain my choices to them to a point where they would say, "Well that will never be for me, but I can see you're very happy and I am glad for you." But then...the last 4/5 months happened... I could imagine an America where I could lose my children or even be punished under the law for things like promiscuity, polyamory, kink, crimes against "good Christian values."

When I consider something like that EVER coming to pass then I worry about this site and its forever-ness and how much I share.

But as for other people coming across it, I've deliberately shared it with those I consider to be trustworthy "stakeholders" in my life story, my partners and my former quad all know, and a few close friends know, about my blog-thing. I don't censor myself because of that, but occasionally I check myself on whether something is quite appropriate to share, or how I am wording it.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I've never really worried about the legal/political side of things... Maybe I'm just naive in my upper SES/white/cis/straight privilege. And while it occasionally crosses my mind that someone would be upset with me for oversharing, it has never deterred me

But sometimes I start to write something and I'm like, damn, I would be CRUSHED if I knew someone felt that way about me. This person would probably feel terrible if they realized I was thinking these things. That stuff, I don't dare write on a public forum. Which sucks, because those are the thoughts that I need to process the most. The times when I really need somebody, anybody, to reassure me that I'm not a completely shitty human being.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Life has been busy but good... Last week was spring vacation in my work school district, which for us is not a break but means having ALL the kids ALL day. I'm still recovering.

Andy and I booked a badly needed long weekend away in April, so I gotta bust my butt and get in bikini shape in the next few weeks! I'm only a couple of pounds heavier than I'd like, but the abs, yeah, they need some work. Or I could just say fuck it and spend my days eating ice cream and drinking margaritas instead of by the pool.

Steph has a new trainer and looks beyond amazing - I'm trying not to do the comparing thing. Seeing as I don't have $1000 a month to spend on a trainer. She's also maybe getting a puppy, on that one, I'm just going to be madly jealous, and rudely show up uninvited all the time to steal puppy breath kisses!

As for Clark... I dunno. I sort of waffle between "there's no compelling reason to keep seeing him, might as well end it" and "there's no compelling reason to break it off, might as well keep hanging out". I haven't talked much about it, mostly I'm just... Trying not to fall into that thing where I feel like I'm "wrong" for wanting what I want.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Feels like summer today!!! Not just the 80 degree sunny weather - It's still spring break for a lot of schools and so the cabins and campgrounds around our lake house are packed. I took the dogs hiking this morning, and after lunch I took the younger one down to the beach to chase tennis balls in the water. Waded in up to my knees and it actually felt nice instead of freezing I feel sad that my older girl got stuck at home, but she had a sweet nap on the bed with Andy. She's 11 now, past the life expectancy for her breed, but doing amazing. But - she's almost totally deaf now, so I worry taking her off leash in crowded places like the beach. If she's distracted and not watching me, I can't call her. And there were a TON of kids and dogs out today. Me and my boy had fun though!

Andy has been sleeping all day - poor guy has been woken up every night again this week by my nightmares. I should maybe sleep in the guest room, or... I dunno.

Clark is back from spring break with his family, I guess I need to figure out what to do about that. I like him, it's just... The sexual compatibility is not there. And that's the whole reason for me wanting a fwb. But I still feel guilty about ending things. Like I'm shallow or slutty for prioritizing sex.

 

[Tinwen]

Clark is back from spring break with his family, I guess I need to figure out what to do about that. I like him, it's just... The sexual compatibility is not there. And that's the whole reason for me wanting a fwb. But I still feel guilty about ending things. Like I'm shallow or slutty for prioritizing sex.

If he also feels the incompatibility, he may be relieved when you tell him that you're no longer interested in the 'benefit' part. Even if he doesn't, he'll understand. There's no point in having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with, is there?

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

In true Claire fashion, I semi-accidentally invited my friend D along for my April getaway with Andy. It's Easter weekend, I thought for sure she'd have family stuff, but nope! She's coming! I am psyched to see her (she lives across the state) but also a little sad at missing one on one chill time with Andy. We ALWAYS do this, say it's going to be just us then invite everyone. Oh well.

Ended things with Clark. Not much else to say on that... Well, there is, but I'm not ready to process it all. The whole endless maze of "are my reasons ok? are my feelings acceptable?" is just daunting right now.

Andy and I had a good talk (a few, actually) about me dating, and how to make it less stressful for him. The biggest thing we decided was no evening dates until I know someone a little. Andy has always waited up for me, which is sweet and annoying in equal measure. It means I have a great date that goes from one drink to two, to dinner, get home at 11, and he's in a crappy mood because he's convinced himself I've been kidnapped and all my check in texts were sent by my date/murderer.

I have always fought him on the "no first dates after dark" thing, because I'm an adult, for fucks sake, and it reeks of paternalistic bullshit. But. After the whole Draper thing, my protests that these are all sweet harmless guys feel hollow. And honestly, it's not THAT big a deal. So my first dates at least will be coffee or lunch.

Gotta say, OKC is just a bunch of bitter and entitled guys right now. Profiles that complain about fakes and flakes everywhere. One unicorn hunter couple that used the phrase "entice us, ladies!" And one jackass who bitched in his profile that everyone in Texas is fat. I really laid into him when he messaged me - what's funny is that his response was to ask if I'd reconsider meeting him if he edited his profile. Dude. Edit the profile so the girls who haven't seen it yet won't realize you're shallow and snarky. I already know, so no thanks.

I'm chatting with one guy who seems very cool... He's older - 50 - so who knows what it will feel like face to face. I'm enjoying emailing and texting him, though. Isn't it weird how, like, 99% of people you just have nothing to say to, and then - boom - there's someone and you never run out of things to talk about.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

A couple of things I'm dealing with the past few days...

I really regret inviting D along to my April trip with Andy. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. I love her... It's just... It's been years since we were together every day, and it feels different than it did back then. I kind of feel like I need to be "on" around her now, instead of being totally comfortable. Then there's the whole thing around the fact that she works out for a living and I always feel out of shape next to her.

Second issue, unrelated - I have had zero interest in sex since being with Clark. Not with Andy, not with anyone else, not even any interest in solo fantasy time. It's like someone flipped a switch and turned my sex drive to off It's not like anything traumatic or icky happened during sex with Clark. It was just not great. But it has affected me, sex always does, I just didn't expect it to tank my libido completely for this long.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Up at the lake tonight - this is turning into a gorgeous spring here in Texas. Everything everywhere is green.

Andy got a promotion at work, sort of... now he has his own little fiefdom in the giant conglomerate just like Steph. They are already joking about trading problem children with each other, now that they both have organizations large enough to mask it For a guy who says he hates managing people, he seems oddly ok with having about 500 new folks to juggle. I'm psyched for him, and the money won't hurt - his 15% salary bump is more than my annual pay - but it also means A LOT more international travel. That sucks. It wears him out and he always gets sick, and I miss him. A few days, eh, I'm fine, but when he's gone for weeks I'm lonely.

The new guy I met last week is very cool. I totally want to brag on him but anonymity and such, argh, so I'll just say he has more degrees than me, makes as much as Andy, and still has a job that does more good than evil. Also hot, which I was nervous about, since he's 50! Has tattoos, which normally bother me, but we'll see.

Kissing him felt great, but my sex drive is still in reverse I have a lot of weird uncomfortable feelings about how things went with Clark. Slut shaming myself for prioritizing good sex over other aspects of a potential relationship. Wondering if something is wrong with me for liking piv more than other kinds of sex. But I'm kind of at point of saying fuck it. I like what I like, you know? I would never judge someone who didn't get off from piv, so why do I judge myself for only having really good orgasms that way?

I guess there's two reasons ...
One, with Andy, I am willing to do a lot of not-my-favorite stuff in bed, or go without things I would like. And I feel like it's unfair to be ok with that in one relationship but not others.
Two, I worry that I'm being deceptive somehow by wanting to get to know guys, and get comfortable, and be friends... And then ditching them if the sex isn't great. Like I'm acting like I'm prioritizing the relationship but really I'm not, I'm in it for the sex. But - I want BOTH. The comfortable friendship AND the hot sex.

I dunno. I'm just *me*. I want what I want, I like what I like, I'm not trying to hurt people, but I don't really see any way to date without risking it.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I REALLY wish I could shake the weirdness in my brain around Clark. I feel so dirty and slutty for sleeping with him - why???? For fucks sake, we hung out for 3 months before getting naked. That's hardly sex crazed dirty slut behavior.

But - I had sex, and it didn't turn into a long term thing, and that feels gross to me somehow. Even though there was honestly no way I could have known we wouldn't be sexually compatible without, you know, having sex. I can say now that I wish I hadn't slept with him, but if it had been great sex, I would have been thrilled and still seeing him. It's just so ... circular... regretting a decision you couldn't have made any better without making the decision and seeing what happened.

I know part of it is just freak out over my "number" being in the (gasp) double digits now. When I was in college my friends and I believed ten was the threshold for slutdom, the magic line between having a healthy enjoyment of sex and being a used up disposable whore. Oh, freshman year, how I miss you Ten seemed so far off then, and now my number of piv partners is eleven, and my nineteen year old self is in shock.

Perhaps I will invest in some Stranger Things themed t shirts that say ELEVEN in big letters

I miss my libido. So does my husband. And the new guy (who may soon need a name besides "the 50 year old", lol) seems great, and I'd like to go into things with him in a good place. Sooooo... STFU slut shaming brain worms, seriously, please.

 

[Reverie]

I know part of it is just freak out over my "number" being in the (gasp) double digits now. When I was in college my friends and I believed ten was the threshold for slutdom, the magic line between having a healthy enjoyment of sex and being a used up disposable whore. Oh, freshman year, how I miss you Ten seemed so far off then, and now my number of piv partners is eleven, and my nineteen year old self is in shock.

I hit eleven in senior year of high school. Honestly, I feel like the higher the "number" gets—the more people I experience and the wider variety of buttons each presses in me and the different techniques I learn from them telling me what they like—the better sex gets! Maybe think of it as practicing something you like.

 

[Spork]

I hit 11 in the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I was 16.

Personally, I always thought of "sluts" and "slutty" girls as the drunk party girl types. A woman who is making informed choices and going after what she wants, in control of her reproductive business and her sexual health and everything, to me is not a slut. I guess as an adult I could also amend that to the thinking that women who consider themselves not much more than a walking sexual commodity... It's basically the thinking that a woman exists to be a sex object and it's ok if one doesn't look any further than that, I am massively uncomfortable with. And when my friends talk about drinking, to loosen up their inhibitions, it makes me feel almost physically sick. And I have never been drunk. I'm just haunted by things that happened to other girls close to me, growing up. Drinking is bad. When you're not in charge of your body, others might try to use it. Horrors! Now if you trust the people you're with and bad things happen, you're a victim, right? But the girls who deliberately get drunk so that they can be sexually irresponsible and somehow not "own" that...the whole "Spring Break Girls Gone Wild" deal? Oh, yeah that's what "slut" looks like to me. They deliberately drop their self control like taking off a bikini top, and they're ok with men looking at them like blowup dolls, like porn, like non-people. Gross. Also, women who use sex to get things from men in deceptive or manipulative ways.

It's all about agency, honesty, and respect.

Which is why I never felt slutty even when my bedroom may as well have had a revolving door on it. Because I saw myself as the aggressor in those encounters. I can apply the word to myself in a proud or joking way (I actually find it phonetically fun to say) but the concept behind it, the negative association? Nah. I respect myself. I wasn't duped into bed by anybody. I chose what I chose and I own it. I can't see another woman as a slut unless she seems willing to be seen as an idiot who gets by, because boobies. A woman could have one partner or a million, that has nothing to do with it.

But as an adult...I confess that I do find myself less inclined to put more notches in my bedpost. I'm tired of doing post-mortem, analyzing how I feel about this and that, and why things did not work out. I'm ready for something like a "forever home" with a nesting partner. The drama of dating is just too much.

Anyways. Obviously I think that having an arbitrary number that makes you slutty is pretty absurd. And I think you ought to give yourself more credit, and I do hope you find peace at some point with wanting what you want, and claiming it as you please. It can be disappointing when things don't work out as we wish...but it doesn't cast a lingering shade of shame on you. Just my 2 cents.

 

[starlight1]

I hit a 11 about 2 years ago, So not too much different. I lvied in conservative Christian background (Mormon) for a very long time, and I had a lot of guilt and shame to work through with that.

Once I did, I was able to appreciate how wonderful it is to have all these sexual encounters and experiences, many people do not get such opportunities (health, fear, lifestyle choice) For example my great aunt Honour has slept with only 2 men her entire life! I just..I can't even. I feel a greater sadness for her lack of all the wonderful experiences that can be had with an active and varied sexual life.

I have calmed down in the past year, as in, I've not had much interest in the "drama of dating" as spork put it. I also realised I may have been one of those girls passing through life using her vag as currency and not owning my own choices and life experience. Not intentionally, just ironically through the ultra conservative church that actually made women second class/comodoties without ever undressing us.

So, you aren't alone in this shame. And if you want to work past it you can, if you want to not, that's ok. Sometimes its easier just to go, yup i'm going to feel that way about this, and decide if you want to keep doing it or not.
I decided to bench kink because I had such conflicting emotions about it. I love it but my trauma from actual abuse runs too deep. It might be you can't get these "worms" out and that's ok too.

Also no harm at all In wanting what you want. PIV is great It's also my favourite with Rocky, in particular.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Personally, I always thought of "sluts" and "slutty" girls as the drunk party girl types. A woman who is making informed choices and going after what she wants, in control of her reproductive business and her sexual health and everything, to me is not a slut.

...

It's all about agency, honesty, and respect.

Despite my youthful assumptions about numbers... Slutty to me has always been more about *who* and *why* than *how many*. Like if I play the what-if game, if I'd been poly my whole life, or serially monogamous, and had 11 long term sexual relationships, that doesn't seem slutty at all. It's just that 3 or 4 of the guys have been ... Flings? Casual? Didn't pan out? ...That gets to me

I have always sort of assumed that "good" sex came from the connection between two people, and not specific acts or anatomy or skills. So I thought if I liked someone enough to want to fuck them, it would automatically be good, because that connection was there already. And... No. Turns out liking somebody is necessary but not sufficient for good sex.

I hit eleven in senior year of high school. Honestly, I feel like the higher the "number" gets—the more people I experience and the wider variety of buttons each presses in me and the different techniques I learn from them telling me what they like—the better sex gets! Maybe think of it as practicing something you like.

I'm definitely learning what I like and don't. Not so much in a "so many new things, all of them awesome" way. More in the sense of having a large enough sample set now to pinpoint the patterns.

And I have some very strong preferences, things that mean I'm going to be super compatible in bed with some guys, not at all with others. The biggest one is that my orgasms from deep penetration are SO DAMN INTENSE OMG that coming in other ways - even though I can - feels more like warming up than finishing. It took me a really long time to explain this properly to Andy, back when we did piv - that I honestly don't want any kind of oral or touching once the piv portion of sex is over for the session. It's just frustrating to get turned on and not get the big release, and the orgasms I have from other kinds of play don't cut it.

Luckily Andy is very toy-friendly and these days I can just drag out the vibrator, which is never too tired. But with a new-ish partner, I do not have the confidence to do that. So a guy like Clark, who wants one quick round of piv and then is super willing to play with me for longer... That's just not a good fit, even though many women would love it.

So, you aren't alone in this shame. And if you want to work past it you can, if you want to not, that's ok. Sometimes its easier just to go, yup i'm going to feel that way about this, and decide if you want to keep doing it or not.
I decided to bench kink because I had such conflicting emotions about it. I love it but my trauma from actual abuse runs too deep. It might be you can't get these "worms" out and that's ok too.

I'm ok with the fact that I'll never be the girl who goes to swing clubs or takes a different guy home every night. I don't judge people who do - I'm in awe and a little envious, to be honest. But yeah, some patterns are so set that breaking out of them is more effort than its worth.

What I would like, though, is to reconcile the idea that good sex is about love and connection with the realization that sometimes other things matter, too. To stop feeling like I'm slutty or messed up because I don't magically have orgasms just from being with somebody I care about.

My mind says it's all about making love and looking in each other's souls and being vulnerable and open. But my body really just wants a guy who can get rock hard and come 3 times in a night. I kind of go back and forth between resenting my mind for the fairy tale and resenting my body for being so damn particular.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Second date with the new man today - I'm going to call him Daredevil. Because why not continue the Draper motif of naming guys after fictional characters with the same career. Also, Daredevil suits this guy, he lives life with no fear or regrets.

I really like him. I mean, REALLY like him. Ever meet someone and it's like being with an old friend? You just get each other and it's easy? Yeah. That. I do not see anything casual with this guy. We just click too well to be once in a while fuck buddies. Neither of us is open to any kind of escalator relationship, but emotionally, I can't imagine not getting attached.