I have been in a poly relationship for 6 years. My husband and I meet a couple and fell in love with them. Either couple had never been poly before this. I consider my self married to both men we refer to each other as husband and wife. I only have a friend relationship with the other female in our group. We have set rules on time I send so many days a week with each husband. On the days I spend with my legal husband we are alone at our house and them at theirs. With the days I spend with my poly husband we are all together at one house either their's or ours. We have set rules that work well on my days with poly husband he is with me and me only (intimate) etc. And the same with my legal husband. I am having a emotion issue that I can't seem to fix. When I'm with my legal husband it's just him and I. I get personal alone time have private conversations things I feel are good for a married. Same with the other couple. When I am with my poly husband it's the 4 of us so I find it hard to have personal space etc with him now we do do things alone some times but most of our time is 4 of us in the same house on those day. I am finding that the other female isn't respect boundaries my time with my poly husband. I find her seeking his attention, wanting to discuss things only for their relationship etc. When they have their time I respect her time I only call to say goodmorning and goodnight but she is not doing the same for me. She is my friend and we have a good relationship but this is effecting my relationship with my poly husband. I have brought it up many times with no resolve with my poly husband. I also thought of instead of all 4 together each go to separate house(which we do once in a while) but I don't think that is the right fix because we need to be able to be all together without having conflict. Which we always have a great time together going places and doing things. Doesn't anyone have any suggestions I could say or do? I don't like conflict so I tend to not say anything when it happens.
Alone time, boundaries
- Thread starter rkfb
- Start date
Why not go get a hotel room or something occasionally? Like once a month or as you can afford it. Or maybe his wife could go off to visit a friend or something now and again. You and he definitely need complete privacy sometimes. I quite agree with that.
If he can't arrange that, or if his wife objects, don't put it on her. Make him aware you really feel you need and deserve more one on one time to help the relationship develop and mature. It's up to him as the hinge of the FMF V to meet the needs of both his women. Her needs don't come before yours just because they are legally married.
Perhaps he and his wife are still thinking of you as a "secondary," exercising a bit of couple privilege, despite you thinking of him as your husband. I also feel for his wife, since it is her home you are in. If you and he could go off to a neutral hotel room sometimes, she could have her house to herself and not constantly be hosting.
If he can't arrange that, or if his wife objects, don't put it on her. Make him aware you really feel you need and deserve more one on one time to help the relationship develop and mature. It's up to him as the hinge of the FMF V to meet the needs of both his women. Her needs don't come before yours just because they are legally married.
Perhaps he and his wife are still thinking of you as a "secondary," exercising a bit of couple privilege, despite you thinking of him as your husband. I also feel for his wife, since it is her home you are in. If you and he could go off to a neutral hotel room sometimes, she could have her house to herself and not constantly be hosting.
Bluebird
Well-known member
It's absolutely normal for you to crave alone time with your other partner. It sounds like you are in a primary/secondary set up, and it isn't working for you. This isn't about the other wife, but your other husband not respecting your needsand putting his other wife's requests above yours. If you are trying to establish a deeper relationship and he is unwilling to provide that, then you will eventually have to make a decision about whether you are comfortable with staying in this configuration.
I have two husbands, but they are fully my husbands - I live with both, we have commingled finances, we have legal paperwork done so we share life insurance and retirement accounts, medical power of attorney is in place and we own a house together. It doesn't sound like you are that enmeshed. Would you want that for yourself eventually? There are certainly different ways to go about poly - you just have to make sure that you and your other partners are wanting the same thing.
I have two husbands, but they are fully my husbands - I live with both, we have commingled finances, we have legal paperwork done so we share life insurance and retirement accounts, medical power of attorney is in place and we own a house together. It doesn't sound like you are that enmeshed. Would you want that for yourself eventually? There are certainly different ways to go about poly - you just have to make sure that you and your other partners are wanting the same thing.
Marcus
Well-known member
What reasonable, actionable boundary have you set that Wife is not respecting?
It sounds like the four of you have set up a visitation schedule that strongly favors the married partners relationships over the extra-marital relationships. This is just poor planning that is causing problems. So if you are no longer liking the arrangement, speak up and change it.
Note: when discussing what you want, make sure it is reasonable and actionable. I recommend avoiding sweeping statements like "I want more alone time with you" unless you are simply using it as an introductory statement. If you expect for an arrangement to be respected in a particular way you need to take responsibility for being specific and asking for things that can be accomplished with a minimal amount of effort.
I get this; I avoid conflict whenever I can. It's a terrible habit.
What I have found that works is to get my expectations out in the open, early and clearly. This way, people at least have the ability to abide by my wishes (because they know what they are and exactly how to accomplish them).
vinsanity0
Active member
Well that would drive me nuts.
How did you arrive at this arrangement where you only see each other as couples? I suspect that is a result of at least one person's insecurity. Those insecurities will need to be addressed before you can move on to a different arrangement.
You don't say much about the relationship between your legal hubby and this other woman. Are they as close as you and poly hubby?
How did you arrive at this arrangement where you only see each other as couples? I suspect that is a result of at least one person's insecurity. Those insecurities will need to be addressed before you can move on to a different arrangement.
You don't say much about the relationship between your legal hubby and this other woman. Are they as close as you and poly hubby?
Hi rkfb,
What about an arrangement like three days a week alone with your legal husband, three days alone with your poly husband, and one day as a four-person group? or, two days with your legal husband, two days with your poly husband, two days as a group, and one day as whatever you each feel like. Does that make sense?
Your feelings are certainly understandable, you want more time with your poly husband. Also the other female is hogging his attention, you need to find out if she'd be willing to do an alternative arrangement. These are just some of my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
What about an arrangement like three days a week alone with your legal husband, three days alone with your poly husband, and one day as a four-person group? or, two days with your legal husband, two days with your poly husband, two days as a group, and one day as whatever you each feel like. Does that make sense?
Your feelings are certainly understandable, you want more time with your poly husband. Also the other female is hogging his attention, you need to find out if she'd be willing to do an alternative arrangement. These are just some of my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Reply
Thank you all for you replies. To answer some of your questions. Magdlyn-I do believe that my poly husband's wife is still viewing me as secondary. I don't feel that my poly husband views me as secondary we have had that discussion that I am equal wife. I am 14 years younger(I'm 36 he is 49) then my poly husband and they have been married for 30 years I feel that maybe she has a since of hierarchy. Bluebird we are messed but not as much as I like. We have our checking account etc but I would more normalcy of marriage such as our own space etc. Vinsanity0 my legal husband and my poly husbands have a strong poly marriage also the view each as husband and wife also. When we are all 4 together I am with my poly husband and my legal husband with his poly wife. This arrangement has always been this way because we live 2 hours from each other so either my husband and I drive to their house or they drive to mine wed and the weekend are my days with poly husband to my work schedule these days work best so I get equal time with both husbands I do go on vacation and gateways alone with my poly husbsnd and once in a while a alone day on my set day and those are the times I feel the deepest connection and feel like im building my marriage. We are together way more then we are alone and i feel that should be the other way around. Kdt26417 I like your idea I think most of our time should be alone and then have a little group time which we do enjoy going to concerts and things. I do love my poly husband wife's friendship but her being around all the time does interfere with my building my marriage with my poly husband. Marcus- I feel your right this arrangement does favor my poly husband wife.
Thank you all for you replies. To answer some of your questions. Magdlyn-I do believe that my poly husband's wife is still viewing me as secondary. I don't feel that my poly husband views me as secondary we have had that discussion that I am equal wife. I am 14 years younger(I'm 36 he is 49) then my poly husband and they have been married for 30 years I feel that maybe she has a since of hierarchy. Bluebird we are messed but not as much as I like. We have our checking account etc but I would more normalcy of marriage such as our own space etc. Vinsanity0 my legal husband and my poly husbands have a strong poly marriage also the view each as husband and wife also. When we are all 4 together I am with my poly husband and my legal husband with his poly wife. This arrangement has always been this way because we live 2 hours from each other so either my husband and I drive to their house or they drive to mine wed and the weekend are my days with poly husband to my work schedule these days work best so I get equal time with both husbands I do go on vacation and gateways alone with my poly husbsnd and once in a while a alone day on my set day and those are the times I feel the deepest connection and feel like im building my marriage. We are together way more then we are alone and i feel that should be the other way around. Kdt26417 I like your idea I think most of our time should be alone and then have a little group time which we do enjoy going to concerts and things. I do love my poly husband wife's friendship but her being around all the time does interfere with my building my marriage with my poly husband. Marcus- I feel your right this arrangement does favor my poly husband wife.
TravisHenryGreen
New member
Curious what your legal husband and wife of your poly husband do while you have limited alone time with your poly husband? Maybe I missed that in the thread, but it seems if they were involved, you would get your quality time alone with your poly husband.
Reply
Travis- they are involved with each other but we are in the same home with each other on the nights I am with my poly husband. We live 2 hours from each other so we travel to theirs or them to ours. We eat dinner together, breakfast, sit and watch tv together because we are in the same space. My polys husband wife tends to want his attention but not in a physical aspect but emotional talking about things they need to do and things that pertain to their marriage. I am not jealous of them interacting but I find this highly distracting from building our marriage and our time together when she wants to discuss things with him. I feel our time should be more alone than together but I am having a hard time getting that across. I also feel that his legal wife might feel I'm pushing her away which isn't so I have tried saying things in a nice way slight hints or change the subject when she starts. I know this might sound crazy but it drives me nuts that when we get up in the morning she will ask him and my legal what they want for breakfast. I might be old fashioned but to make my husband breakfast or a cup of coffee is a sign of affection and love so I would like to do that for poly husband on my days with him. I hope this makes since.
Travis- they are involved with each other but we are in the same home with each other on the nights I am with my poly husband. We live 2 hours from each other so we travel to theirs or them to ours. We eat dinner together, breakfast, sit and watch tv together because we are in the same space. My polys husband wife tends to want his attention but not in a physical aspect but emotional talking about things they need to do and things that pertain to their marriage. I am not jealous of them interacting but I find this highly distracting from building our marriage and our time together when she wants to discuss things with him. I feel our time should be more alone than together but I am having a hard time getting that across. I also feel that his legal wife might feel I'm pushing her away which isn't so I have tried saying things in a nice way slight hints or change the subject when she starts. I know this might sound crazy but it drives me nuts that when we get up in the morning she will ask him and my legal what they want for breakfast. I might be old fashioned but to make my husband breakfast or a cup of coffee is a sign of affection and love so I would like to do that for poly husband on my days with him. I hope this makes since.
I am sorry you struggle.
I grey that part out because I think poly wife's emotional management is her job to be doing. Not yours. Your job is to communicate clearly.
Stop "hinting" from fear of upsetting her and ask directly for what you need.
Tell her you would like the chance to attend to polyhusband's meals when it's supposed to be (your time with poly husband). Ask her to focus on (her time with legal husband). Could she be WILLING to do that? Ask her plain.
Does your poly husband tell her "I see you want to talk about this, but this is not the time. We can talk later at ___ o'clock. This is not (you+me) time. This is (me + rkfb) time." Because if she intrudes during (you + poly husband time) and he answers her and doesn't help you to enforce boundaries? He's part of the problem. Ask him directly to help you carve out the "alone time" you want.
It may be harder for her to respect boundaries when you are all in the same house. It makes it seem to her like it's all (group time). Can you guys add some weekends where you SWAP houses rather than ALTERNATE? 2 people at this house, and 2 people at that other house? And perhaps meet in the middle to pick up the other partner?
For instance, you and legal husband drive to a midpoint restaurant to meed poly wife and poly husband. Then you and poly husband go home to his house. And poly wife goes home with legal husband. Later on, meet again at midpoint, and then you go home with legal husband. Then you definitely get alone time, because she's not there physically. She's not ABLE to intrude.
Galagirl
I grey that part out because I think poly wife's emotional management is her job to be doing. Not yours. Your job is to communicate clearly.
Stop "hinting" from fear of upsetting her and ask directly for what you need.
Tell her you would like the chance to attend to polyhusband's meals when it's supposed to be (your time with poly husband). Ask her to focus on (her time with legal husband). Could she be WILLING to do that? Ask her plain.
Does your poly husband tell her "I see you want to talk about this, but this is not the time. We can talk later at ___ o'clock. This is not (you+me) time. This is (me + rkfb) time." Because if she intrudes during (you + poly husband time) and he answers her and doesn't help you to enforce boundaries? He's part of the problem. Ask him directly to help you carve out the "alone time" you want.
It may be harder for her to respect boundaries when you are all in the same house. It makes it seem to her like it's all (group time). Can you guys add some weekends where you SWAP houses rather than ALTERNATE? 2 people at this house, and 2 people at that other house? And perhaps meet in the middle to pick up the other partner?
For instance, you and legal husband drive to a midpoint restaurant to meed poly wife and poly husband. Then you and poly husband go home to his house. And poly wife goes home with legal husband. Later on, meet again at midpoint, and then you go home with legal husband. Then you definitely get alone time, because she's not there physically. She's not ABLE to intrude.
Galagirl
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Ravenscroft
Banned
It's difficult to make enforced togetherness work out, even for a dyad. Each person beyond two greatly reduces chances it'll work out, as does extending it over time. Sooner or later, particularly when the group has clung to their poor communication skills, someone will begin to express long-simmering resentments (gunnysacking).
rkfb, this "visiting only as a couple" thing isn't significantly different from "we can only have sex when we're all together." (Actually, I'm impressed that it's worked for so long!) As much as you work to reenforce your beliefs that you are non-heirarchal, this visiting-day rule puts the lie to it: your "poly husband" & "poly wife" are being subjected to a burdensome rule that is not applied at all to your "legal" dyad.
By definition, therefore, your "legal" relationship is primary, & your "poly" relationships are secondary.
If you want to change that, then the four of you will already be figuring out how to put the "poly" dyads on a more equal footing, specifically by having your "visits" be physically separated by that two-hour gap.
If that's more work than you/they deserve, that's cool too.
________________
Speaking only for myself, having someone who insisted on calling me "to say good morning/good night" would drive me quickly batshit.
It seems disrespectful of my time with my lover, & of her time with her lover.
It's not as though he's out on the road & or otherwise at some risk (however tiny) & you "just want to make sure he's okay" or some such.
There's really no difference between checking in with him & checking up on him. Other than reminding the other couple that your legal marriage is of #1 priority, the only practical purpose I can see is to avoid actually addressing someone's deep-rooted insecurities.
rkfb, this "visiting only as a couple" thing isn't significantly different from "we can only have sex when we're all together." (Actually, I'm impressed that it's worked for so long!) As much as you work to reenforce your beliefs that you are non-heirarchal, this visiting-day rule puts the lie to it: your "poly husband" & "poly wife" are being subjected to a burdensome rule that is not applied at all to your "legal" dyad.
By definition, therefore, your "legal" relationship is primary, & your "poly" relationships are secondary.
If you want to change that, then the four of you will already be figuring out how to put the "poly" dyads on a more equal footing, specifically by having your "visits" be physically separated by that two-hour gap.
If that's more work than you/they deserve, that's cool too.
________________
Speaking only for myself, having someone who insisted on calling me "to say good morning/good night" would drive me quickly batshit.
It seems disrespectful of my time with my lover, & of her time with her lover. It's not as though he's out on the road & or otherwise at some risk (however tiny) & you "just want to make sure he's okay" or some such.
There's really no difference between checking in with him & checking up on him. Other than reminding the other couple that your legal marriage is of #1 priority, the only practical purpose I can see is to avoid actually addressing someone's deep-rooted insecurities.