Healing after lies and drama

M

mioux

New member
Greetings,
My partner and I have been together 14 years.
We agreed to open relationship from the start and stopped having sex 3 years ago.
He actively pursued other women all these years, but only in the last year has he started having sex with 2 women.
He lied that he wasn't having sex with them and lied to them about me.

After meeting the one who is his current GF who is a single mom, I felt alarmed at her lifestyle and questioned her behaviours.
She admitted to prostituting and other things, that he knew about.
He says she lied and told him she had stopped.
She asked me to help her stop being self destructive and I got her to write a list of all the high risk behaviours she was using. (there were many).

She then attacked me with all of the lies and exaggerations, he had told her about me. I got angry and told her to F off. He denied the lies.
I believe he stopped seeing her for a few months.

He and I started swinging but I didn't enjoy the way he wants sex so we quit. We had many fights, that got physical a few times. I got scared.
I asked him to move out and live with one of his friends. He refused.

We have threatened each other with the police and suing over money numerous times, and finally got a separation agreement signed.
But he has convinced me not to submit it to the court system for various reason.
We still live together and I contribute to his bills.

He left town for two weeks and came back calmer and more positive.
I found out he was back with the high risk GF and got angry.
I asked them both to apologize to me for sneaking around, so I could let go of my anger about the betrayal, and they declined.
I said I would show her dad proof that he isn't a good influence on kids and she threatened me with a peace bond.

He came home after being with her for 3 days and apologized for all of his actions. I was surprised and delighted.
He says; he told her no more prostituting or drama or he will leave her.
He plans to stay with each of us 3 days per week. She gets weekends.
She is trying to make him choose between us but he needs my financial support.
I am scared she will get pregnant to manipulate him.
He says he always uses condoms and is having sex with couple's and pursuing other women online.

We are finalizing an inheritance which I am supposed to get my share of.
That is the main reason I am still here, the money.

I had hoped that we could all be friends, but he wants us to be separate.
He is in charge of who she sleeps with now, he thinks. I'm not sure.
He wants to monitor my new relationships, for my safety.

I am going out on my own and trying to build a new life for myself, but I am scared of a new man also being deceitful after all of this.
I am not sure that I can even stay friends with him after the finances are cleared up.
I have no control over whether he pays me back or not; due to legal details.
I am holding on and being nice because I don't want to be broke.

Should I want a friendship with her or am I just trying to get control?
Am I just kidding myself? :eek:
Your thoughts?
 
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Hi mioux,

You can of course ask the high-risk girlfriend to be your friend, but there's no guarantee she'll say yes, and it's not like you can force her. I'm thinking you need advice from a lawyer, a lawyer who doesn't work for your partner. The purpose of consulting this lawyer would be to search for ways to disentangle yourself financially from your partner. Regardless of whether you exercise the freedom, you need the freedom to leave him. He is a high-risk partner; you don't know whether you can trust him.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Run... fast.

Run.... far

Cut him off.
 
We had many fights, that got physical a few times. I got scared.
I asked him to move out and live with one of his friends. He refused.
Click to expand...

We have threatened each other with the police and suing over money numerous times, and finally got a separation agreement signed.
But he has convinced me not to submit it to the court system for various reason.
We still live together and I contribute to his bills.
Click to expand...

That's red alarm bells enough already. You could call a domestic violence center and talk to a counselor and make a safety plan. Get AWAY physically first.

Then submit your legal papers. AND seek an injunction/restraining order. So you can get away from him legally also. No amount of money is worth being at his hands where he can eventually physically hurt you.

Do what you have to do to get OUT and separate yourself from these toxic man.

Focus on this:

I am going out on my own and trying to build a new life for myself,
Click to expand...

Do not be "friends" with him afterward.

If the money becomes another leash for him to control you? Be willing to walk away from the money. Call it the price of your freedom. Because you are going to focus on this:

I am going out on my own and trying to build a new life for myself,
Click to expand...

and that new life does NOT include him, his people, or any of his messes. That was your old life. If you need to heal before you date again, take the time to heal. If you need professional care, seek it.

I am sorry you deal with this. You have worth, dignity and value. I hope you can find your way forward out of this.

Galagirl
 
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Mioux,
I feel so much for you. It is a disaster, already. It isn't even waiting to happen.

If you want to find out just how much this man loves you, stop supporting him. Although you love him deeply, if he loves you in the same way, he will understand that you need to do some things to ensure your security, no? Best way to find out someone's true feelings, if you are supporting them, financially. He's getting something from you, a basic necessity. Take it away, and see what happens. True colors will shine. Start there, I would say. Also, if nothing else, it starts protecting you from being completely destroyed from someone who seemingly does not care so much?

Your relationship from there on out seems to also be a total mess. I judge NO ONE for their profession. But, I must ask you, is this broad a high paid escort? Is she a corner hooker? Does she hop in the car with any old John? These details make a difference, to me, at the very least....Again, no judgement, but, I will admit, if she's a corner hooker, her life is a mess, making your man a part of that mess.

Is this woman a nice person? Does she TRULY seem to care about you? Does she care for things YOU CARE FOR? Also, another huge indicator.
 
But now, as I re-read the post, GalaGirl is right on. Get the fuck out. Worry about everything else later. This is all too much for a person to handle. I am so sorry......
I send you good vibes, Reiki, and crossed fingers that you can muster up courage to leave. I have been where you are. I dated someone who was abusive, destructive, SO manipulative, and I was young. I believed every word that came out of this man's mouth.
You are worth more. So much more. Actualize that. Do it. Go.

<3
 
mioux said:
Am I just kidding myself?
Click to expand...

What you have described is a horrible trainwreck of an association.
It's scary, unpredictable, and very likely to cause serious harm.

The fact that you are even considering staying in this association, to any degree, tells me that you should seek out therapy. I'm not saying that to be nasty, I really do mean it. When we get in a pattern of expecting to be harmed and it being "normal", it can take some intensive work to get out of that mindset.
 
This has little to nothing to do with polyamory. Wrong board, honey. You're in an abusive dangerous situation and need help from a professional and maybe a womens shelter.
 
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