Her focus is on porn and porn addiction...
Hi perpetualstudent,
Can you explain a bit more?
Where do you get the idea that self gratification is harmful to relationships? Why?
What do you think women use? Do you think women don't use porn? Do you think it varies between cis/trans or between bi/homo/hetero/pan/etc?
Do you think different tools can have different effects? Is the damage only to relationships or can it impact the person themselves?
What is your opinion on self gratification when not in a relationship?
What is your understanding and opinion of porn addiction?
That's quite a bit to take on, and I'll try but I'll have to do so quickly if you don't mind.
Think about how we know what we know and language, and how those two intertwine to make learning about something as personal as sex confusing. What I mean by that is we have to explore concepts rather than the loose tags that we use to talk about them. "What is pornography?" is more than just a philosophical question because without asking it in a way that informs our understanding of what we want to know, anything we do unearth will confuse rather than illuminate.
So, if a thing is what it does, as a hammer drives nails, or a car transports people and goods, what then is pornography? If we look at how it is used we can say that "Pornography is a tool of self gratification." This is potentially confusing as most people would not consider diapers to be pornographic though some people do use them as a tool of self gratification.
So a thing isn't just what it does, so we have to further refine our understanding of it. What other qualities does a thing have? A thing is how we can relate it to others. Well, pornography relates a story whose end result is sexual congress in the mind of the viewer and/or reader. This statement is then true of all pornography as some literature has been described as pornographic.
We'll skip ahead and say that pornography is a graphic depiction of a relationship whose goal is sexual congress to be used as a tool for self gratification.
By that description even some advertisements are pornographic, as when I was 12, the Sears Catalogue was some hot shit. So, we aren't really just looking at PornHub and whatnot. What we're really looking at is all the things that help individuals short-circuit the relationship obstacles to sexual congress.
This type of thinking has not entered into the literature regarding sex research. Some researchers are close, but none that I've found have actually got there. Because of this, I think we're still poking around in the dark with a stick and stumbling on the rocks.
The fact is that we don't know what tools most women use toward self gratification. When I say "know" I mean in the sense of reliable data gathered in validated studies that define generalizable rules of thumb.
What we can do is look at North American culture (I'm in North America) and attempt to generalize from there although there are problems with that approach. So, if we look at culture in general and ask what items might be used pornographically by women by what is promoted by culture as acceptable for women to use pornographically, we find fiction to be a glaring example. Recently the growth of romantic comics and boy's love comics specifically are being offered as a way for young women to explore their nascent sexuality safely from a distance. Romantic fiction is a staple of pornography-in-use.
We do know from research that while men are visual, women are more likely to use their imagination to create scenarios toward self-gratification. This supports the inclusion of media types that do not fit the layman's understanding of the term pornography.
Inductively, in these two areas I would expect to find high prevalence of use as tools of self-gratification that fits our tentative definition of pornography.
So, yes, I think women use romantic fiction, including movies, novels, and comics, with a specific attention to boy's love comics as pornography.
Let me say at this juncture that truth is in aggregate, and that's what we're looking for, the truth that is in aggregate. Though I know women who watch porn, I don't think the majority of women use porn. Tails exist inside every system, and I think this is often forgotten when media portrays science. It's like the unicorn. We know she exists though very few have seen one and a unicorn (hence the name) does not represent the majority of bi women.
On self-gratification and relationship satisfaction I can point to related studies on the use of pornography in men. Generally, pornography use inversely correlates with relationship satisfaction, meaning that self-gratification happens when one is not happy with their relationships. Said this way is almost begging for a head-desk moment when one realizes people actually spend tons of money to tease that truism out of masses of data.
I think this statement can be generalized to women as well, as several studies relating to objectification and self-objectification show that porn use correlates with objectification of others, and of the self.
Think of your biggest TV or movie crush. If you would sleep with your crush without a thought toward knowing the actual person instead of their media representation you're objectifying them and using them as a tool of self gratification. You're porning them.
On addiction. Addiction is a large subject and can be more easily understood if simplified into a bulleted statement. It's valuable to go over this now as it's important for other discussion below to understand the concepts presented here.
Addiction is an act which is instantly gratifying.
Addiction presents a simple behavioral tool as a coping mechanism.
Addiction supplants better mechanisms of adaptation.
Addiction prevents the growth of better mechanisms of adaptation.
Understood in this way, self gratification is not in itself bad for you. It only presents a problem when its use prevents further emotional growth and better adaptations toward the goal of a satisfying relationship.
When single, or even inside a relationship, self gratification can be a necessity for some. I think for most, really. I can't say for sure. It's dangerous to say that sex is a physical need, or even a psychological one because there are some unscrupulous sorts that would use that to justify rape which is never justified.
Self gratification reduces stress, nurtures positivity, self confidence, and self worth. It can be, and usually is a good thing. Only when it is used to cut off the pursuit of relationship satisfaction can it be a bad thing.
When we look at sex addiction, we have to understand what people are getting from it and how it impacts their lives, their ability to function and adapt to changes, and how sex can be detrimental. As a general rule of thumb, if the pursuit of sex replaces functional adaptations that promote growth, it is an addiction.
This is more easily understood in practical examination. Have you lost your job because of your pursuit of sex? Have you lost good friendships or relationships because of your pursuit of sex?
It's important to note that at least 53% of people, both male and female, have sex outside their primary relationship. Over 40% of people have sex inside their workplace. Are half of us sex addicts? No. The large majority of people are perfectly functional and have and maintain good relationships. While having illicit sex can be an indicator of a potential problem it is not specifically indicative of a problem.
It's confusing, I know, but social psychology is relative to others. How the self acts in a social system has to account for and be aware of the system in which the self acts. If the system is predominantly one that accepts sex as a natural and expected act, then the self must do so in order to maintain functionality inside that system.
Be aware I am not saying to go sleep with your boss/coworker/UPS guy. The system isn't that animalistic yet. Nor am I saying that cheating is acceptable. I am only saying that where addiction is concerned the functionality of the individual inside the system they live in is the only concern. If we were all greek gods I think ED and Sexual Dysfuction Disorders would be a much larger problem than they are now.
A word on differences in trans/gay/cis pornography uses. I really don't know as I haven't investigated it. I would expect the effect to be generalizable to a person's self-identified gender as culture plays a large role in porn selection.
One last note: I'm not an expert, just articulate. There are several researcher working in this field who know much more than I do about it and can answer questions more effectively.
