My girlfriend is polyamory. What to do?

[Enzosan]

I found that my girlfriend has cheated on me. I confronted her and she said that she loves me without doubt, though because she only had a relationship with me she wanted to explore new affairs. She already has expressed this feeling to me in the past, but now she found someone that she feels attracted to.
I believe she loves me and wants to stay with me. Our relation is very open and honest and with no "ups and lows", it was really stable until this moment.
But I feel really bad with this situation. I could never do this to her, but it is a relationship worth fighting for.
How can we find the equilibrium point where both feel well emotionally?
Is setting boundaries like "no sex" too harsh?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I'm also sorry she chose to cheat on agreements rather than renegotiate or end agreements with you cleanly first.

I don't know if this helps you any.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I do know that poly is not "cheat proof." One can also cheat on their poly agreements. It's not the mono-ness or poly-ness of the relationship model but the character of the person that helps them keep their agreements. One must have integrity -- where their word and actions match. If they say one thing but do another... it's hard to trust them at their Word.

If she cheated on previous agreements? I am guessing those were deal breakers. Were they? If so? The old relationship is over.

What you are assessing now is if you want to start a NEW thing with her. The offer on the table? This new thing will be a poly thing, with her previous cheating affair partner in the network.

How do you feel about this offer?

• You have to assess if you are up for poly with THIS group of people.
  • Because maybe you are not up for poly at all. With any people. Ever.
  • Or might up for it, but not with these particular people at this time.
  • Or maybe you are up for it with these particular people.

• Are you considering it because you like poly?

• Or because you are considering it in order to avoid a break up?

• Are you actually able trust her or rebuild trust with her?
  • What behaviors has she done to make amends/demonstrate she is now trustworthy?
  • Has enough time been spent on that?

• And if you are able to trust her.... are you WILLING to trust her? Or have you lost heart for this?

These are tough questions you could be asking yourself.

You've had a major ding. I would suggest getting your STD screens and taking a time out to think and soul search.

Not just leap right into a new thing/new relationship model.

Is setting boundaries like "no sex" too harsh?

To me, boundaries are for you to make to keep YOU safe with consequences for YOU to do.

If you mean "Is it to harsh to tell her I don't want to share sex with her right now?" It is not harsh. That is your body and you pick who you share it with and when. She's not entitled to your body. You can have a boundary of "I don't share sex with people who have cheated on me. I need to run STD screenings first before I can even think about sharing sex with them again." That is a line in a sand to help keep you safe, with an action YOU can do.

If you mean "Is it too harsh to tell her no sex with the other person?"

Well, you could ask her to refrain. But if she's recently cheated on agreements that asked her not to a take up with other people, I'm not sure how this is a different agreement. Plus do you want to be policing her behaviors?

You do not reach personal emotional equilibrium within by managing people outside you.

Galagirl

 

[Enzosan]

Thank you for your answer GalaGirl.

If she cheated on previous agreements? I am guessing those were deal breakers. Were they? If so? The old relationship is over.

What you are assessing now is if you want to start a NEW thing with her. The offer on the table? This new thing will be a poly thing, with her previous cheating affair partner in the network.

Yes, I believe the old relationship is over. The trust has to be rebuilt.
I just don't know if I can handle a mono/poly relationship. Either due to jealousy or just by the fact that my girlfriend is sharing her intimacy with other person.
But I'm committed to have this conversation with her for the sake of our good and solid relationship.

There are two points clarified between us:
- She loves me and confessed that would never leave me for this partner.
- This is not just casual sex, she has deeper feelings for him.

What I meant with reaching the equilibrium point is if I'm taking this leap of faith and give her the freedom to be happy and explore new affairs what would she sacrifice for the sake of my feelings?
Am I taking the sex issue too seriously?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Enzosan,

I think you need to take a time-out to think about what you want and need in this relationship with your girlfriend. These thoughts should center around what you want to receive, and not so much around what the other guy gets. What you need in terms of quality time, safe sex, etc.

Sorry you are off to a rough start, this is not supposed to be how a poly relationship begins.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

There are two points clarified between us:
- She loves me and confessed that would never leave me for this partner.
- This is not just casual sex, she has deeper feelings for him.

It's not about whether or not she would leave you for this partner.

It's about your willingness to stay with her in a romance now that you know she breaks agreements. It's about trust. Can you trust her again? Or not?

I just don't know if I can handle a mono/poly relationship. Either due to jealousy or just by the fact that my girlfriend is sharing her intimacy with other person. But I'm committed to have this conversation with her for the sake of our good and solid relationship.

Then have the conversations you need to be having. So you can assess whether or not you want to go there.

Right now it's not sounding like a joyous yes. Like "Yes! I would love to poly with you!" It's sounding more like "No. I am uncertain and not excited about this."

What I meant with reaching the equilibrium point is if I'm taking this leap of faith and give her the freedom to be happy and explore new affairs what would she sacrifice for the sake of my feelings?

You could ask her. What would she be sacrificing? Or what would she be contributing to your well being? Because right now, not keeping agreements was a pretty big ding to your well being. How is this loving behavior?

Cheating on agreements doesn't seem respectful or loving to me. To me, lies are a deal breaker. I prefer people come to me first and ask to change agreements or tell me they will no longer be keeping agreements. I might not like it, but at least it is clean and at least it shows me respect. To me showing respect is part of loving behavior.

After lying to me? I would appreciate an apology, and a desire to make amends. I would forgive.

But I probably would not continue with GF in a new poly model. That might be the sacrifice. You and her could be friends after this, but she loses you as a romantic partner. You change the model to friendship only.

Or if I did decide to try poly with her? It would not with her cheating partner in the mix. Maybe that's the sacrifice. She drops the cheating affair partner in order for you to be willing to try poly.

Am I taking the sex issue too seriously?

No. Safer sex matters.

Because when someone you share sex with breaks agreements? And has sex with someone else and then sex with you? You cannot trust them at their word. You cannot trust that they used safer sex practices.

You may or may not have been exposed to an STD. To determine that risk, go get checked out. Deal with your health first, then decide what to do about the relationship cross roads.

Galagirl

 

[Shaya]

Hi Enzosan,

What you're currently going through is truly painful. Your partner had an affair. She has lied and hurt you, and now wants to have her cake and eat it too. Affairs and polyamory are not the same thing. To successfully transition to polyamory, you will have to deal with issues of betrayal, trust, lies, possible sexually transmitted infections, not to mention the whole polyamory thing with its jealousy and endless processing. All this on the background of affair recovery. This will be really hard on you and at times it may seem unfair if you seem to be putting in more effort than she is, whilst she and New Guy get to live in polyamoryville.

I have posted a lot about transitioning previously monogamous relationships into polyamory via an affair. It's how I came to polyamory myself. I think the more experienced members in this forum may be getting bored reading my repetitive material, so here's a link to a recent post of mine about transitioning from affair in a monogamous relationship to polyamory including examples that I have found of people who have succeeded in doing it.

I would conclude by saying that you seem to be made of stronger stuff than me. My wife and I found affair recovery websites to be helpful. If advice on how to do polyamory is what you need instead, I have a bunch of links here that I think may help.

I'm totally rooting for you and your wife to come through this and into polyamory. But don't feel you need to push yourself too hard to do this. It has been pointed out by others on this forum that a first venture for a previously monogamous couple into polyamory can turn out to be a slow deathspiral into serial monogamy. There's no guarantee here but hopefully, with a good partner to enter it with and plenty of good communication, you'll one day be sharing your amazing success story with the rest of us. Good luck!

 

[Enzosan]

It's about your willingness to stay with her in a romance now that you know she breaks agreements. It's about trust. Can you trust her again? Or not?

I know her too well, we live together since 2011, our bond is strong.
Sure the trust has been broken but we had a open conversation after the issue and the trust is being rebuild.
As I said she already addressed this issue some years ago but I took it too lightly and determined that it was out of question, I couldn't handle it. (That's why I feel cheated, she knew my boundaries). But now the case seems different because I know this only happened due to her feelings for him.

These thoughts should center around what you want to receive, and not so much around what the other guy gets. What you need in terms of quality time, safe sex, etc.

I can't complain about what I receive (except time, but this I know is due to work schedule. I know it for sure ) as I never felt the lack of love from her. It has not been this that made me suspicious about her affair.
On other hand if we eventually take this step I'm afraid that this could change.

I'm in the crossroads where:
- Can I handle the jealousy and the sharing of intimacy?
- Ain't I being selfish and making her unhappy? Leading to a worsening of our relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm in the crossroads where:
- Can I handle the jealousy and the sharing of intimacy?
- Ain't I being selfish and making her unhappy? Leading to a worsening of our relationship.

I don't think you having simply preferences is being selfish. It's just you having preferences. If you like chicken more than beef, if you like blondes more then red heads, if you like your romances to be monogamous rather than poly, etc.

She can have her own preferences.

Right now, you guys could talk to see if those preferences are still compatible.

Galagirl

 

[Enzosan]

Last hour update:
My gf saw me sorrowful and thoughtful and came to me knowing it was about this issue.
She said that she has chosen me, she fells bad with what she has done and that she wouldn't throw away our relationship for this guy.

Assuming that she decided it is more valuable being in a monogamous relationship with me than in a free to poly-date should I really bring this conversation? Will it not reemerge all these feelings about having a relationship with him?
They work in the same mall and because of that they see each other frequently, but I know that his job is temporary and in some months they will stop see each other in the work. Is it wrong to wait for this feelings for him wane?

 

[JK40]

This is a really tough situation you are in. I can fully understand ypur feelings about it. Poly or not cheating is cheating. I think most of us have been cheated on at some point and it hurts.

I think the main decisions you need to make are do you still want the relationship with her and can you accept sharing her?

Even those of us who are poly will face feelings of jealousy or resentment at times. It doesn't just dissapear because you are poly, or accept your partner being poly.Within poly relationships the key is honesty and communication. The basic idea being everyone involved knows the situation, and all possible new partners are discussed with each person involved. You don't just go out and get a new partner without your existing partner (s) knowing.

In any relationship the principles are the same. Trust broken is hard to regain but it can be regained in some instances.

You have to look within yourself and decide if you can be in a relationship with a partner iwho s poly, or indeed if you are poly yourself. Relationships that are mono/poly can work too but it all comes down to having a frank discussion with your partner.

Being poly is not for everyone, as suggested already it comes down to what you prefer, and we all like different things from flavour of drinks to relationship styles.

I hope you can work things out. Have a think about what you can and can not accept within your own boundaries and then have a discussion with her.

 

[Shaya]

You probably need to make your own decision on this one. As forum users, we are only able to view your world through the window you paint us. In addition, each of us brings our own emotional baggage to the discussion. For example, my emotional baggage biases me to say that if she has seen your hurt and apologised for her affair and now wants to focus on your recovery - then take the Love she is showing you and work on your relationship to heal the betrayal and broken trust that is lurking there in the aftermath of the affair.

You can of course see my bias in this, but bias does not necessarily invalidate my advice. If I haven't already mentioned it, the theory of love attachment styles (a quick Google search, or buy a book, or chat with a relationship psychologist), may help you come to terms with why you feel such a strong desire to make her happy whilst simultaneously feeling horrible in yourself as you contemplate giving her this.

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I have posted a lot about transitioning previously monogamous relationships into polyamory via an affair. It's how I came to polyamory myself. I think the more experienced members in this forum may be getting bored reading my repetitive material, so here's a link to a recent post of mine about transitioning from affair in a monogamous relationship to polyamory including examples that I have found of people who have succeeded in doing it.

Sure the trust has been broken but we had a open conversation after the issue and the trust is being rebuild.

In any relationship the principles are the same. Trust broken is hard to regain but it can be regained in some instances.

My own story is the 3rd example in the link that Shaya provided of people transitioning out of a "cheating" affair to poly. (NOTE: I would agree with him that my situation was, in fact, more of a recovering from an (emotional/casual?) affair scenario than a poly-bomb scenario.) Perhaps some insight into rebuilding of trust can be found in my thread Trust Broken...and Re-Built where we discuss the concept of forgiveness as well. (NOTE: This post/thread was written almost 4 years ago and still rings very true to me.)

 

[Tinwen]

Last hour update:
My gf saw me sorrowful and thoughtful and came to me knowing it was about this issue.
She said that she has chosen me, she fells bad with what she has done and that she wouldn't throw away our relationship for this guy.

Assuming that she decided it is more valuable being in a monogamous relationship with me than in a free to poly-date should I really bring this conversation? Will it not reemerge all these feelings about having a relationship with him?

She has apologized for the cheating, which surely is a good step. She declared her willingness to work on the relationship.

Other than that, I think you could ask her for clarification. It's not clear to me, if she decided to give up on poly altogether, or if she decided to dump this guy, work on your relationship first, and bring up the conversation later from a place of more honesty, or if it's something completely else.

I also think decisions made out of guilt are often not the best and most lasting decisions. She's stated poly tendencies, and although she regrets cheating, she will have to figure out later if she can handle lifelong monogamy or not.

I think you could leave some wiggle room in your thinking for the poly question to reappear at some point in time, and decide whether you can handle it or not. But there is no need to agonize about it right away. You could state what you need from her at this point in time to repair trust - even if it's giving up the other guy - and have other tough conversations bit by bit much later.

 

[Ravenscroft]

should I really bring this conversation? Will it not reemerge all these feelings about having a relationship with him?

It definitely must be discussed.

She may have been wing-walking ("Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else"). Some people deal with the inevitable problems in a relationship by fantasizing about how The Next One will be sooooo perfect.

Or she may have realised that if she were to have another lover, then you as well had that right, & she'd rather restrict her freedom than let you roam.

Or she may have realized that the Other Dude was merely a passing fascination, & offered little compared to what she likes about you.

Or anything else between.

However, "you can't un-ring that bell." The door has been found & cannot be somehow un-found. The question of nonmonogamy HAS been raised, & thus will either be a "landmine" from which you both must forever dodge, or or it can be returned to the discussion by either of you at any time & might drive one of you away.