Scared and confused

[crap4brains]

Hello

My story is relatively simple, 13 yr relationship with my GF which went stale for reasons which are more than likely irrelevant. I cheated on her with a girl 14 years my junior at a party, we developed a strong bond and met again. She lives in the US and I'm in the UK.

It got to a point where the guilt overrode me and i had to tell my partner about her. I tried to split up with her as i felt it was the only option if i had such feelings for my new lover. But my GF begged me to stay and said she would be able to share me. My lover is very bohemian and said she would like to explore a poly relationship and after a month or two of tears and sadness we all share conversations and now sexual experiences. My GF has come to have strong feelings for my lover and vice versa there are elements of jealousy we need to get through but all of that is fine and we approach it as adults.

Since then we have agreed to meet more and eventually move in around january 2018 if all goes well. My concern is how do I do life after this? how do i tell my friends? how do we go out with friends? holidays, children and marriage? society in general says no to this, how do people cope?

We want to be a 3, we dont want to explore others, we kind of fell into this its not a sex thing. But im scared to death of life after the initial craziness of becoming poly so unexpectedly. i really need help and advice if anyone can dispense any.

Thank you

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

How do you guys manage to meet each other at ALL, let alone "more?"

There will be others along with all sort of links, etc (PLEASE see "More than Two;" it is full of useful information). It is a bit worrisome that the relationship between you and your girlfriend was in disarray before another person came along. As you will be told, over and over again, poly really shines a harsh, bright light on your relationship. Adding more people does not fix it.

Good luck!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi C4B,

Just wondering, is it your girlfriend or lover who lives in the US? or do they both live in the US? Either way that's a hefty LDR, I hope you guys are able to move (closer to each other I hope) in January of 2018 as planned.

There really are as many ways to cope with poly life as there are poly people. You have to be creative. My poly V is mostly in the closet, and the lady and I present ourselves to our friends/families as close friends. Some polys out themselves, only you can decide if that's right for you.

I don't have any specific advice for you at this time, but if you'll keep us posted, I might be able to tell you more later.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

My approach is I don't care what society thinks.

Friends? If they can't handle it they don't need to be my friend. Family can be a little more difficult to deal with, but if they don't accept me that is on them.

Work? It's not really any of their business what I do in my free time. I was out at work but it only confused them because I would request going "home" to different places.

Personally, I find it easier to be out than to try and keep a bunch of lies straight.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

I think you are letting your worries run away with your mind. Which results in your feeling all out of sorts. You have to stop thinking so many things at once. Take a deep breath and try to take it slower. How about keeping it more in the present? Reduce your load?

Since then we have agreed to meet more and eventually move in around january 2018 if all goes well. My concern is how do I do life after this? how do i tell my friends? how do we go out with friends? holidays, children and marriage? society in general says no to this, how do people cope?

If it DOESN'T go well, you are not going to be living together in 2018. Much less dealing in marriage and kids as a trio. So... some of this stuff is "pre-worrying" much too far in advance. You could take that off your current plate and deal with it later. Deal with future concerns if/when that particular future emerges.

Stick to the concerns that are more immediate. Then take them one at a time.

Is the main concern is coming out as poly in your circle of family and friends?

My concern is how do I do life after this?

Well... what are you anticipating will be different? You still have to eat, sleep, pay the bills, etc. What's worrying you that will be different in your life that you think you cannot cope with? Are you able to articulate?

How do i tell my friends?

If you want to tell your friends, keep it simple. "This is my partner X. This is my other partner Y."

No different than any other kind of introduction. "This is my Aunt Lucy. This is my Uncle Bob."

What are you afraid that will happen if you introduce your partners to your friends? Your friends will behave like assholes?

If someone behaves like an asshole to you... what do you usually do? I guess that you tell them to stop behaving like that or ignore them or both. But you probably don't go hang out with them extra. So... if any of your current friends behave like assholes you probably know what to do. You tell them to stop behaving like this. If they do not? You stop being their friend and you stop hanging out with them because you realized they were secret assholes and maybe you don't want to associate with that kind of person.

How do we go out with friends?

You meet them at the movies? Dinner? Coordinate car pooling? Nothing different than usual that I can see.

holidays, children and marriage?

I grey out kids and marriage because those worries are too far ahead.

Holidays? What would be different? You get invited to something. You decided if you will RSVP "yes" or "No."

If/when the time comes for kids and marriage, you can discuss that with your partners.

Society in general says no to this, how do people cope?

You have already been coping, doing your own thing. You don't hang out with "society at large." Most of that is a bunch of strangers you have never met.

So... what really is worrying you? I am going to guess that you are worried about specific people you do interact with and no so much "society." Is that it? Which ones? Mom? Dad? Someone else?

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

Since then we have agreed to meet more and eventually move in around january 2018 if all goes well.

When did you meet the US bohemian girl?
When did your GF meet the US bohemian girl?
How many times have your three spent time together in person and for how long each time?

 

[Shaya]

Hi

The answer to all your social questions ( friends, holidays, social activities) is actually entirely up to you. Different people in poly do things differently.

I think the 3 of you have the potential for something beautiful here. There are warning signs though that you raise. Things going stale with gf is one of them and you may be right when you say they're not related. If they are, I suspect the issue(s) will come up soon. Feel free to ask for advice then if it becomes relevant.

I suspect you're looking for examples on a triad. I found the TV show polyamory married and dating to be useful to highlight potential problems you might come across. If you get bored of reading "more than two", the TV show will be a welcome break. Season 1 shows a reasonably well functioning triad and season 2 shows a triad with a few more problems. You could learn from others mistakes.

The blogs and lifestories section on this forum has many examples of triads. You can search it for "triad" to see what others have done successfully and unsuccessfully.

Good luck.

 

[Shaya]

I'm sorry. I just reread my post and I'm hoping it doesn't come across as overly or falsely positive. Polyamory is hard work. Affair recovery is hard work. Starting a new relationship is also hard. Distance is hard.

I dont want to project my situation onto yours. You havent specifically asked for help on how to manage any potential hurt, lies or feelings of betrayal from the affair, nor does it seem to me that youre asking about how to manage jealousy or insecurity in the aftermath of an affair turned poly. Those things can be hard to deal with, so let us know if they're issues your triad struggles with. We can help.

Otherwise, if your triad feels healthy and you just want to know what others have done, i think youre doing great. good luck!

 

[Marcus]

Since then we have agreed to meet more and eventually move in around january 2018 if all goes well. My concern is how do I do life after this? how do i tell my friends? how do we go out with friends? holidays, children and marriage? society in general says no to this, how do people cope?

As far as legal stuff: kids in school, estate management, visitation to members in the hospital, etc, that's going to be dictated for you by your region. If you are lucky you won't hit major road blocks depending on how you want to approach these things.

As far as personal relationships, I would tend to agree with vinsanity0.
To add to that approach, it has been my experience that people respond with the energy I give them. What I mean is, if I sound unsure, like I'm apologizing because I think I'm doing something dirty, people will tend to follow my lead and react that way. However, if I can manage to play it off like it's no big deal and I'm not a circus freak, people will be much more fair and measured in their response.

We teach people how we want them to treat us - so be intentional.

 

[Magdlyn]

As far as legal stuff: kids in school, estate management, visitation to members in the hospital, etc, that's going to be dictated for you by your region. If you are lucky you won't hit major road blocks depending on how you want to approach these things.

You could read Bluebird's blog. She is married (legally to one, extra-legally to the other) to 2 men. They have set up living wills, shared finances, medical things, very carefully.

As far as personal relationships, I would tend to agree with vinsanity0.
To add to that approach, it has been my experience that people respond with the energy I give them. What I mean is, if I sound unsure, like I'm apologizing because I think I'm doing something dirty, people will tend to follow my lead and react that way. However, if I can manage to play it off like it's no big deal and I'm not a circus freak, people will be much more fair and measured in their response.

We teach people how we want them to treat us - so be intentional.

I have always lived outside the traditional box. For an example, I am a breastfeeding advocate. I educated myself and found that humans are meant to be breastfed for 4-7 years. Yes, years. So I breastfed my 3 kids for 2 1/2 - 4 years each. I never got one dirty look breastfeeding in public, no negative feedback of any kind. Other mothers in my state, in my town and adjacent towns, took a lot of shit from strangers on the street, in restaurants, in malls, libraries, schools, airplanes, etc.

I put that down to my having educated myself about the normalcy and health of extended breastfeeding (or any breastfeeding at all). So when my kid asked to nurse in public I would do it, and if I saw someone noticing, I was glad to be an example of this healthy practice. I'd look up and smile directly into their eyes. I'd get an uncertain or happy smile back, and no words or looks of disapproval.

Polyamory is, can be, just as normal, natural and healthy as breastfeeding. Educate yourself and get confident. Your social milieu will respond to your confidence, and you might educate a few!

 

[Bluebird]

Yes, I have all sorts of structure in my life. I am not in a triad though, we are a cohabitating V shape. My blog is long, but you might find it helpful.

You haven't asked, but I would think that you are going to run into some legal issues with trying to bring your UK girlfriend into the US longterm. Are you planning on legally marrying her so she can get citizenship to stay? How does your US girlfriend feel about this? Maybe it would make more sense to have the women marry each other? I don't know anything about laws that govern immigration, but I imagine they would not be poly-friendly, and you will have to navigate that process carefully.

How long have you been with the UK girlfriend? How long have the women been dating? I think you need to make sure you are not moving too quickly with this - immigration is a long process. Rather than jump out and start telling everyone you know that you are poly, you need to tread carefully so you don't screw up future legal things. Again, I have no idea even what those issues might be.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Educate yourself and get confident. Your social milieu will respond to your confidence, and you might educate a few!

I found the same while I was breastfeeding here on Long Island, which is big time formula country. You rarely see boobs here, only bottles, yet I breastfed my kids everywhere. I am forever indebted to the very few local La Leche League moms who shared my values because we talked a lot about public breastfeeding in an forbidding culture. Breastfeeding here is widely considered to be private and for very young babies only. I publicly breastfed my boys for three years each, learned a lot about life in general and came to experience what Magdlyn talks about here. It really doesn't matter what type of minority you are, or perceive yourself to be - a confident smile has the power to melt hearts and roll out the welcome mat everywhere you go. That's a golden life lesson right there.