Polysaturation and heartbreak.

Shaya

New member
I think there is a flaw in polyamory that leads to polysaturation and heartbreak, and would like to seek your help in clarifying my thoughts, please. I would especially like to hear from those who seldom post, because I suspect people with negative opinions on polyamory tend to silence their own negativity by not posting. I want to know the range of possibilities in polyamory, including the negative aspects. Please help me see both the joy and the pain, and share with me what you wish you'd known before you entered poly yourselves.

I have almost no experience with polyamory. My understanding of it comes mainly from reading all your blogs, with a bias towards reading those I think are similar to my situation, so, essentially, couple-centric polyamory in the context of one long-term relationship.

In this context, I think I'm beginning to see a pattern, when previously monogamous couples open themselves to polyamory. I wanted to ask what you guys with more experience think. It's going to be a negative view. I'm happy to have a discussion.

I think that many monogamous couples healthily choose to enter polyamory as a way of adding more love to their lives, to experience the buzz of NRE, and to fall in love again.

So, suppose they create a V. The upside of the situation is the euphoria of NRE. The downsides are the inevitable conflicts, processing and boundary negotiations. My hypothetical couple come from a previously monogamous long-term relationship. They did not separate. The philosophy of their love styles would resemble monogamous philosophy, in wanting relationships to pass the test of time.

My hypothetical couple would have entered polyamory with the high ideals of forming a lifelong love with a third person. In the absence of major drama, I presume they would want to keep their relationship going long after the NRE has faded. The summary of this paragraph is, they have a V, the hinge enjoyed the NRE, all parties put the effort in and major hurdles have been overcome. Now they're settling. NRE has faded, but they're content, poly-fidelitous, perhaps.

But now their situation is similar to monogamy. Stable. Stale. No NRE. Just busier, with 2 lovers and split commitments. Do they feel a need to add more love to their lives, still? Presumably, the factors that led to dissatisfaction with monogamy are still present, and they want to experience the buzz of NRE, and fall in love again.

So 2 lovers becomes 3, then 4, then 5... Then something cracks. There is no time. A lover is neglected and then discarded. Other lovers panic. Love is meant to be infinite, but time is not. Monogamy offers a level of security through emotional and physical fidelity. Couple-centric polyamory offers some security through hierarchy and privilege. When a lover is discarded, ripples rock through all the other relationships. Is the Hinge prioritising their own happiness in obtaining NRE-euphoria at the expense of the Hinge's other relationships? "Am I the next to go?"

Insecurity is key here. There was always a trust that a new lover would not subtract from an existing relationship. But when an old lover is discarded due to the addition of a new lover, this trust is broken, not just broken for that relationship, but broken across all other relationships, as well. There are ripples of mistrust. The thought, "Am I the next to go?" might spread throughout the polycule.

In summary, when the hinge becomes polysaturated, but takes on a new lover, heartbreak seems to follow. It seems to me that polyamory offers the joy of NRE, balanced against heartbreak, processing and conflicts.

This is a very negative view of mine. Sorry, I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. I'm just trying to figure stuff out. To me, it seems that for every additional love in polyamory, you end up with one heartbreak. The ratio seems to be 1:1.

I think that other forms of consensual non-monogamy don't suffer as much from this. BDSM, kink, swinging, friends with benefits and fuckbuddies don't generally come with such emotional attachment, and therefore there are fewer "breakup" feelings. My understanding with poly is that you can transition relatively painlessly, as well. But the more invested the relationship is, the more heartache is involved.

I'll summarise my point and my question. Imagine a previously-monogamous couple in a long-term relationship, attempting polyamory for the first time. They may have had experience with non-monogamy before, but not polyamory. They choose to add lovers to their lives to experience NRE, with the high ideals of lifelong commitment, provided there are no major hiccups.

I think this situation either ends with polyfidelity at the level of polysaturation, or in a break-up, with break-ups happening at an approximate ratio of 1 breakup to 1 new lover. It is possible to break up less painfully, but less painful transitions seem to involve a willingness to "let go" earlier, before becoming too invested in the relationship. One could argue that it would be healthier to enter a relationship with the intention to transition, or to break up as soon as NRE fades, but then this sounds more like friends-with-benefits than polyamorous-with-emotions.

In answering my question, please bear in mind my biases. I'm monogamous, in a long-term relationship, open to the idea and philosophy of polyamory, but still too monogamous in my mindset to consider non-hierarchy or relationship anarchy. I have had exactly one sexual relationship and have experienced reciprocated NRE exactly once, with my wife, and that was so long ago I don't even remember what it really feels like. The NRE, that is. The sex was more recent.

My questions are, for a couple like us, starting out, is the scenario I'm painting for polyamory something that happens rarely, sometimes or often? Is there a way for such a couple to do polyamory whilst avoiding the inevitable heartbreak? Can you even do this if you also want to have kids?

Remember, I'd also like to hear from those of you who seldom post. If poly experience has hurt you, perhaps I can learn from your life experiences. Share with me, please, what you wished you'd known before attempting polyamory.

Thank you.
 
I have no idea what your question is, to be honest.

NRE is long gone in both my relationships, yet I have no urge to add more partners. I am not an NRE junkie. I am just someone who can love two people deeply at the same time. No sign of heartbreak anytime soon, if ever.

Yes, I have children. They are well-adjusted wonderful kids. But they are beyond the baby/toddler years.

Polyamory is HARD work, and it is not for everyone. From what I have seen, couple-centric model poly doesn't work. If you cannot trust your partner and need to put limits and boundaries on their other relationships, then poly probably isn't something for you. Don't get me wrong, it is ok to have boundaries for yourself, but not place them on other adults. For example, if Butch decided to get a partner and have unprotected sex, I would not continue to be fluid-bonded with him, not because I don't trust him, but because I am very careful regarding my sexual health. I don't care what his other partners do with whom, but I do not choose to trust someone I am not in a relationship with, with my health. And I have no right to tell Butch what he can or cannot do within relationships outside ours.
 
My experience with poly was in a relationship that was always open, so I don't fit your hypothetical couple. I agree with Dagferi, that just because NRE fades, doesn't mean the couple will continue to add more people. Not everyone tries to chase the NRE high. It really comes down to the individual people.

My ex, Blue, is an NRE junkie, and that did factor into our break-up. I prefer more stability. The constant adjustment to new partners was too much processing for me.

He also prefers the freedom to act on attractions whenever he feels like it. In theory, I agree with this. I believe we shouldn't shrink ourselves for the sake of a relationship. In practice, it was more processing than I currently can handle. My career is demanding and I am single. parenting three teens/young adults. I did not feel like I currently had the emotional resources to do poly this way. Blue and I are better as friends.
 
I agree with Dagferi and PinkPig. It sounds like you're assuming the fun of NRE is a major factor in people choosing polyamory, and I think that's pretty uncommon. It happens, but there are tons of other reasons people live polyamorously.

I'd also point out that you're imagining that each new relationship will continue happily indefinitely, and only issues of "too many partners" will cause problems. I get that assumption. It's an easy one to make when you met your spouse at a young age, and your only adult relationship has lasted a very long time! But the reality is that most relationships, mono or poly, aren't lifelong. It's probably far more likely that your hypothetical poly person would end (or change or scale back) relationships faster than they'd find new long-term partners.

As for avoiding heartbreak-- I don't think you can ever do that. Even in a perfect fairy tale, till-death-do-us-part relationship, somebody is going to die first and leave the other person heartbroken. So, while I have not seen much of the scenario you described, adding more and more new partners to the detriment of existing relationships, I think trying to heartbreak-proof your relationships is a losing battle.
 
Hi Shaya,

I think that the neverending quest for NRE tends to be a bad idea, for the reasons you described in your original post. NRE is always, or almost always, a temporary phenomenon. So in order to experience it continuously, you must always have a supply of new partners. I think this is an unhealthy relationship model, even within polyamory.

I currently don't have any NRE in my life, nor do either of my poly companions. I think we are happy with "the boring life." This is a good thing, for us at least. Even the boring life offers conflict enough. No need to add to that.

I actually think one of the best benefits of poly is being able to crush on certain people (such as certain celebrities) without worrying that you'll get in trouble if your partner/s find out. A few years ago, my V exchanged pics and descriptions of the five opposite-sex celebrities each of us crushed on the most. This revelation didn't make us feel threatened, it was just interesting to know and perhaps even brought us closer together.

Just some thoughts ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think that fulfillment has a unique definition for every person, whether in relationships or life in general, poly or not.

That being said, for my wife, it is more fulfilling to have the possibility to explore other relationships. If it never amounts to anything, fine. If it does amount to something, great. But she doesn't need more partners to be happy.
 
Imagine a previously monogamous couple in a long-term relationship, attempting polyamory for the first time.

I see a very few regulars here who fit this description. I do see a lot of people who come and go here who fit this description. I actually fit this description when I first joined the forum, but am solo (poly-optional) now. Do you only want to hear from mono-turned-poly long-term couples? That's a small group, it would seem.

Like Dagferi, I'm not sure what your question is.
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm beginning to see that my world view on poly is rather limited, a bit like the rhinoceros in the picture below.

I5sqS.jpg



A few people have commented that:
Like Dagferi, I'm not sure what your question is.

I apologize if my actual question was vague. I probably rambled. My question is based on the assumption that a monogamous couple tries polyamory in an attempt to add more love into their lives. If they do so, and then stop in a polyfidelitous triad/quad/etc., then there is no more new NRE and the reasons that drove them away from monogamy are likely to be still present. On the other hand, if they do not stop, and do not discard old relationships, then they reach polysaturation and exceed it, causing heartbreak that affects not only the breaking-up couple, but every other couple in their polycule. It just sounded painful to me.

I don't understand how the benefits of NRE can outweigh all the heartbreak, the processing, the negotiations and boundaries and the time-sink. Is the situation I've painted an unlikely, possible, or probable outcome for polyamory, based on the assumptions I've made?

I'm just trying to understand poly better. Thanks for helping the rhinoceros see past his horn. :)

-Shaya
 
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I didn't get into poly because I was looking for NRE. I wasn't looking to add more love in my life. Nothing was missing from my marriage. There's nothing wrong with Butch, and I wasn't looking to fill a hole or fix a problem. Poly does none of those things.

I was a serial monogamist all my life. I enjoy having a variety of people in my life. Heck, I like variety in general. I have various pets of all shapes and sizes who need various levels of care, from a cat who couldn't care less what I am doing or where I have been been, to dogs who think I set the moon and stars in the sky, to a parrot who's currently pissed off at me because I went on vacation and left him at home with Butch and the kids.

NRE is not the reason I am poly.
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm beginning to see that my world view on poly is rather limited, a bit like the rhinoceros in the picture below.

I5sqS.jpg



A few people have commented that:


My apologies if my actual question was vague. I probably rambled. My question is based on the assumption that a monogamous couple tries polyamory in an attempt to add more love into their lives. If they do so and stop in a polyfidelitous triad/quad/etc, then there is no more new NRE and the reasons that drove them away from monogamy are likely to be still present. On the other hand, if they do not stop, and do not discard old relationships, then they reach polysaturation and exceed it, causing heartbreak that affects not only the break-up couple, but every other couple in their polycule. Just sounded painful to me. I don't understand how the benefits of NRE can outweigh all the heartbreak, the processing, the negotiations and boundaries and the time-sink. Is the situation I've painted an unlikely, possible, or probable outcome for polyamory based on the assumptions I've made?

Just me trying to understand poly better. Thanks for helping the rhinoceros see past his horn. :)

-Shaya.

Disclaimer: I never identified as monogamous so I was never "driven away" from monogamy.

Monogamy actually never made sense to me. That being said, I have also never "looked for" a relationship. For me, relationships are things that happen, not because you are lacking something in your existing relationships (ALL relationships-- friends, family, lovers, partners) but because an individual unique person comes to occupy their own unique place in your life.

When you make a new friend, do you automatically have to remove one of your other friends? (To be fair, I don't tend to have more than one or two close friends. I need LOTS of alone time.)

NRE is certainly NOT a driving force for me. It is a phase of relationshipping that is painful for me. I don't LIKE not feeling in control of my emotions (both times I have experienced it). NRE is something that must be endured until the "real" relationship settles in.

P.S. I LOVE the cartoon re: perspective.
 
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I agree that your view is somewhat limited. But it is your view, based on where you are in your life. It's not a bad thing to be approaching this from your own world. However, what may help you is to step back and see how many different forms polyamory can take. That is what really opened up my mind to it.

Like someone else mentioned, I don't go looking for lasting relationships. That has never really been a goal of mine. It has happened and they were great. Other relationships have been not so great.

I did come into poly proper as part of a long-term monogamous relationship. The ironic part is neither one of us were particularly mono to begin with. In fact, she was in a long-term open relationship when we first began dating. So any answer I give you would be "tainted" by that. But I'll just go to the meat of your question, which is if there is an unending quest for "newness." Not for me. If it happens, it happens. My particular brand of poly wasn't a search for long-lasting relationships. It centered on the possibility of those relationships happening. That would be okay.

Of course, for now I am "solo poly," I guess. I don't ignore the possibility that someone could come along that I would like to nest with, but I'm not searching for that.
 
My question is based on the assumption that a monogamous couple tries polyamory in an attempt to add more love into their lives.

That does not resonate, because to me, the couple is choosing to BREAK UP. You do not "add a third" to the existing relationship model. You deliberately choose to break up and end the previous model (monogamy), in order to practice the new model (polyamory.) Some people don't get that, and later wonder why they feel weird or out of sorts.

I get that "add more" is easier for them to imagine. "It's like us as a couple, just with 3 people." But that's not what's happening. What is happening is that they stop practicing the old model and break it up.

For some, this emotional change will feel "Track A" -- happy about the new thing. For some, this emotional track will feel "Track B" -- mourning the loss of the old thing. For some, this emotional change will feel like a mix of the two: happy about the new thing on some days, but mourning the loss of the old thing on others.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

Or they don't think ahead, and "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst." They are all caught up in the rose-colored glasses view that they are adding a person, adding more love and it will go just as they imagine. They might not even talk about this venture NOT going well and how it might end. Or they assume if it goes wahoonie, they will just return to "original couple," when actually, there could be other outcomes, even all the way down to everyone single. Then they are caught off-guard emotionally that way.

If they do so and stop in a polyfidelitous triad/quad/etc., then there is no more new NRE and the reasons that drove them away from monogamy are likely to be still present.

Not everyone who chooses poly is an NRE junkie. You seem to assume they are.

  • Some people choose poly to avoid dealing with problems in the original relationship. They are trying to use the newcomer as the "Band-Aid" to fix whatever it is or distract from it.
  • Some people use poly to avoid breaking up, like, "Okay, date other people. Just don't leave me!"
  • Some people use poly like a "soft exit" from a relationship. They suggest poly to seek and secure the new partner and, once found, dump the old one.
  • Some people choose poly because they don't want too many commitments.
  • Some people choose poly because they want greater commitments.
  • Some people choose poly because they want intense relating. What you find painful (the processing, the negotiations, boundary-setting and time-sink) they find enjoyable.
  • Some people don't really choose poly; they just come across a game-changing person and arrive at poly as the solution so they can include this person in their lives.
  • Some people choose poly because they want many partners/variety.
  • Some people choose poly to avoid something. Maybe they are afraid to be alone, and having many partners is like "insurance," so they won't be.
  • Or other reasons.

Some are healthy, some are not, just like reasons for choosing monogamy might be healthy or not.

On the other hand, if they do not stop, and do not discard old relationships, then they reach polysaturation and exceed it, causing heartbreak that affects not only the break-up couple, but every other couple in their polycule.

Everyone has a polysaturation point. Love might be infinite, but things like time, energy, and money for dating are not. If someone spreads themselves too thin or burns out, they have not respected their personal limitations. And yes, it can ding the others in the network, as well, short-changing them on quality time, for instance.

How they choose to deal with dings is up to them. They could choose to change the behavior and scale back, change the expectations, break up, and so on.

It just sounded painful to me. I don't understand how the benefits of NRE can outweigh all the heartbreak, the processing, the negotiations and boundaries and the time-sink. Is the situation I've painted an unlikely, possible, or probable outcome for polyamory, based on the assumptions I've made?

In my 20s I wanted few or no commitments. I enjoyed solo poly. NRE was fun, and I wanted variety in dating people. My main commitment at the time was to my education. That came first, always. I did not want to commit to any one person. I still had to deal with heartbreak, because some of partners could not wrap their heads around the fact that I wasn't "playing the field and would eventually settle down with just them after graduation." I was as upfront and honest as I could be. They just didn't believe me and later got upset.

At this point in time, solo poly doesn't interest me. I'm married. Mere NRE is not worth all the hassles to fit someone into my complex life. It's easier to be Closed right now. Between parenting and eldercare I don't have the resources (time and energy) to poly date. I'm not going to rule out a game-changer coming along, but neither am I looking.

But I'm not other people, and neither are you. What you find painful, or I find a hassle, at this point in time, they might find worthwhile, invigorating or whatever.

Now let me lift something up:

I don't understand how the benefits of NRE can outweigh all the heartbreak, processing, negotiations, boundaries and time-sink.

Some of what you call "time sink" might be because the people involved are having to learn new skills on the fly (communication skills, relationship skills, negotiating skills, breaking-up skills, dating skills, etc.), AT THE SAME TIME as having to learn to get along with a specific group of people. They are trying to do a "double load" and it can feel stressful. People who are already good at these skills only have to learn to deal with the new group of people they are trying to do poly with. It's less of a load/time sink for them.

  • They don't have to learn how to to be honest with themselves or with other people. They already know how.
  • They don't have to learn how to articulate their needs. They already know how.
  • They don't have to learn how to do active listening and not take things personally. They already know how.
  • They don't have to learn how to negotiate well or do effective problem-solving or good conflict resolution. They already know how.
  • They don't have to learn how to recognize when it is time to break up, or how to do a break-up well. They already know how.
  • They view "heartbreak" as a part of life and it doesn't ding them quite as badly. It isn't fun, but it isn't ANGUISHING because they are already emotionally resilient and understand that life has its ups and downs.

Are your scenarios possible? Sure. Anything is possible. But I don't think your scenario is the ONLY possible one, because being an NRE junkie is not the only reason people choose poly. There are a lot more variables that help determine outcome than polysaturation. I can work within my polysaturation number, 3. But the personalities of the three partners could clash SO badly that I have to choose to part ways with some/all if I want peace! "Personalities" can affect outcome, and so can other things like "time-management skills" and whether or not someone is a "sloppy hinge."

But it is good you are trying to see past your "rhino horn." :)

Galagirl
 
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I'd also point out that you're imagining that each new relationship will continue happily indefinitely, and only issues of "too many partners" will cause problems. I get that assumption, it's an easy one to make when you met your spouse at a young age, and your only adult relationship has lasted a very long time! But the reality is that most relationships - mono or poly - aren't lifelong. It's probably far more likely that your hypothetical poly person would end (or change or scale back) relationships faster than they'd find new long term partners.

As for avoiding heartbreak ... I don't think you can ever do that. Even in a perfect fairy tale til death do us part relationship, somebody is going to die first and leave the other person heartbroken. So while I have not seen much of the scenario you described - adding more and more new partners to the detriment of existing relationships - I think trying to heartbreak-proof your relationships is a losing battle.

I'm not sure this could be said better. I, like you Shayla, am still married to my first love, though we embarked on our non-monogamous path much earlier in our relationship. And perhaps poly started out as seeking NRE, though I think for me now it's far more about seeking out happiness (there's a huge difference there). The second time I fell in love, I expected it to be forever, and that was hopelessly naive of me, honestly.

I don't believe in expecting forever out of any relationship, anymore - including my marriage. What I *do* believe in is commitment as long as love lasts, and I believe in working to ensure that love DOES lasts, and I believe that if it doesn't it's not necessarily a failure on anyone's part just something that wasn't meant to be.

And relationships changing don't have to mean heartbreak - for instance, I'm still friends with the ex I refer to as DinoActivist on here, and quite close friends with Martial Artist (although that relationship has some unfulfilled potential still, more on that in my blog soon.) Neither of those "endings" were heartbreaking at all, just changes - and yet they left room in my life for other beginnings (I think I met AnotherArtist not terribly long after Martial went mono).

The OP's scenario *is* a thing that happens, but not nearly as commonly as one might think.
 
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Re (from Shaya):
"Is the situation I've painted an unlikely, possible, or probable outcome for polyamory based on the assumptions I've made?"

I've seen it happen before, more than once. It's not what I would call the ideal or standard.
 
Hey Shaya,

I don't post here very often, so thought I'd join in. I don't have a negative view of polyamory and haven't been hurt by it. But still, I find your post interesting.

I don't know that NRE is that big of an issue. It seems to me that most people don't chase it and most people are happy when it disappears and their life becomes more stable. I know that isn't the case for everybody, but it seems to me that most folk are happy without NRE, so I'm not sure how big a driver it is in causing problems in poly relationships.

I should clear up that I wouldn't identify as poly or mono or as any other label that relates to romantic or sexual relationships. Romantic relationships don't feature in my mind as a way to describe myself. I'm very happy being completely single with no romantic entanglements at all To me, that feels like the most free and easy way to live. I've also been happy having occasional FWB-type relationships. I've had 2 long-term relationships, both of which were monogamous.

I find myself a little attracted to solo poly, although in practise, I've tended to fill my life and my time without feeling the need for romance when I am single. I'm not attracted to couple-centric poly at all. I would probably feel differently if we lived in a different world or if I was willing to change my friendship groups and the way I spend my social time to put me into contact with different people. But I'm not. I love my friends with all my heart and love what I do in my spare time.


I have stood outside of the norm for long enough and in a very visible way. Adult women, in particular, who have never married, have no children and are single are viewed with a mixture of pity and suspicion by our society, in general. My experiences of that way of living, which suits me very well, I have to say, have shaped what I will participate in, if I am part of a romantic relationship.

My experiences of the people I meet in my day-to-day life and the people who become friends with is that on the whole, if they are single, they are either happy that way, and not up for rethinking their views on relationships and spending their emotional energy on finding a new way to relate to people, in a society where monogamy is the norm, or they are unhappy being single and are actively looking for somebody to love.

Neither sort of person is likely to want to be the partner of somebody who has a primary partner.

I can't picture any of my happily-single friends being willing to do the juggling act of fitting in friends, a partner, their work and their interests in with the friends, partner, work and interests of not only their partner, but also their partner's partner. Nor can I picture any of them being open to being part of the sorts of negotiations around whether or not it is okay for their new partner to spend the night with them, or go on holiday with them, that I see discussed here fairly regularly by couples opening a monogamous relationship.

The people I know who are unhappy being single may well consent to be a secondary partner, thinking it to be better than being alone. But consenting to something to avoid being alone isn't the same thing as wanting to do it. I wouldn't be happy to participate in a situation where somebody was hanging around on the sidelines wishing for more. That would upset me and make me feel like I was doing something wrong.

There may well be people around who would happily be a secondary partner to my partner, who is very keen on poly and open relationships, or even to me. They might have busy enough lives and don't want to do a full-on relationship. I'm not up for the work and effort of finding out. Romantic relationships are just not important enough to me.

I'm fine with one. My partner has decided that he is fine with that too. He knows he can change that at any point, but that at that point, I'd want him and me to go back to being friends.

I've never understood the notions that people should aim to be together for life, or that a relationship in a certain configuration is worth changing myself for, or that people in relationships shouldn't fall in love with others, or feel lust for them. I'm okay with the insecurity of one or the other of us changing our minds. I'm okay with the idea that my partner may choose to live a poly life again. It is also fine with me if he develops crushes and/or falls in love. I do these things too. It just wouldn't be fine if the people we were attracted to were dragged into a complex situation of trying to make additional relationships work in a world that is not supportive of them, with people who struggle to find the time for one romantic relationship.

IP
 
Thanks for all your answers, guys.

I'm struggling to understand what being polysaturated with two partners adds to life, that monogamy or three partners doesn't. In a few more words, can you help me understand what two partners does, that one or three partners does not? Is it a time thing, where if you have the spare time or energy, then you keep adding partners, and if you are too busy with kids or work or looking after an ailing parent, then no more additional lovers for you? In that case, is identifying as poly but living monogamously similar to identifying as poly and being polysaturated? In both cases, the thought of new lovers might cross your mind, but the effort required exceeds your time available and so you put the opportunity on the shelf for the time being?
 
Your question doesn't have an answer. Poly people are not the borg; everyone has their own individual reason for why they do things the way they do them, and continually asking for someone to provide you with an explanation of The One True Way is an exercise in futility.
 
What Emm said.

I feel no need for other partners, period. I do not need to over-analyze why.
 
...the thought of new lovers might cross your mind, but the effort required exceeds your time available

Every person will answer differently, but for me, it's never a question of time. Poly is about love. Love is not about time, convenience, intellectualizing, fitting in or piecing needs together. When love comes calling, it makes room for itself or dies trying. Love laughs at whether I have time for someone. If it's love, I make the room in my life; I make the time. Love has an amazing ability to re-organize lives and blow open all preconceptions about what is appropriate or needed.

Poly isn't about juggling schedules or filling "need slots," it's about being open to the power and mystery of love. So whether I have time for someone is completely dependent on who that person is to me and how our relationship is evolving. I'll make time for every single love relationship that I'm blessed to have in my life.
 
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I'm struggling to understand what being polysaturated with two partners adds to life that monogamy or 3 partners doesn't have?

In a few more words, can you help me understand what two partners does that one or three partners does not. Is it a time thing, where if you have the spare time or energy, then you keep adding partners, and if you are too busy with kids or work or looking after an ailing parent, then no more additional lovers for you? In that case, is identifying as poly but living with monogamously similar to identifying as poly and being polysaturated? In both cases, the thought of new lovers might cross your mind, but the effort required exceeds your time available and so you put the opportunity on the shelf, for the time being?

You'll have to excuse me; I am terrible at trying to put these things into words. But from my understanding, it is not that a poly person wants to have X number of romantic partners in their life. They will have as many as they feel enough affection and attraction towards, while time and energy allows. It all depends on the individuals and whom they happen to meet, when they meet, and under what circumstances, that will dictate whether a relationship can grow from it or not.

A poly person could have no current romantic relationships and be perfectly happy, just as they could be happy when 1, 2, or however many people come along that they develop feelings for. And once they no longer have time or energy, or "polysaturate," as you are calling it, then they might have to let some potential relationships pass them by. More than likely, they wouldn't notice that they are missing out on anything, because they are focused on whatever else is going on in their life that is keeping them busy.

I don't think that being poly and dating multiple people can ever be someone's #1 priority in life. They have to make room for it among other things. I don't think anyone ever has set a number of partners that they wish to have at any given time in order to be happy. Happiness comes from quality, not quantity, of relationships.
 
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