Shaya
New member
I think there is a flaw in polyamory that leads to polysaturation and heartbreak, and would like to seek your help in clarifying my thoughts, please. I would especially like to hear from those who seldom post, because I suspect people with negative opinions on polyamory tend to silence their own negativity by not posting. I want to know the range of possibilities in polyamory, including the negative aspects. Please help me see both the joy and the pain, and share with me what you wish you'd known before you entered poly yourselves.
I have almost no experience with polyamory. My understanding of it comes mainly from reading all your blogs, with a bias towards reading those I think are similar to my situation, so, essentially, couple-centric polyamory in the context of one long-term relationship.
In this context, I think I'm beginning to see a pattern, when previously monogamous couples open themselves to polyamory. I wanted to ask what you guys with more experience think. It's going to be a negative view. I'm happy to have a discussion.
I think that many monogamous couples healthily choose to enter polyamory as a way of adding more love to their lives, to experience the buzz of NRE, and to fall in love again.
So, suppose they create a V. The upside of the situation is the euphoria of NRE. The downsides are the inevitable conflicts, processing and boundary negotiations. My hypothetical couple come from a previously monogamous long-term relationship. They did not separate. The philosophy of their love styles would resemble monogamous philosophy, in wanting relationships to pass the test of time.
My hypothetical couple would have entered polyamory with the high ideals of forming a lifelong love with a third person. In the absence of major drama, I presume they would want to keep their relationship going long after the NRE has faded. The summary of this paragraph is, they have a V, the hinge enjoyed the NRE, all parties put the effort in and major hurdles have been overcome. Now they're settling. NRE has faded, but they're content, poly-fidelitous, perhaps.
But now their situation is similar to monogamy. Stable. Stale. No NRE. Just busier, with 2 lovers and split commitments. Do they feel a need to add more love to their lives, still? Presumably, the factors that led to dissatisfaction with monogamy are still present, and they want to experience the buzz of NRE, and fall in love again.
So 2 lovers becomes 3, then 4, then 5... Then something cracks. There is no time. A lover is neglected and then discarded. Other lovers panic. Love is meant to be infinite, but time is not. Monogamy offers a level of security through emotional and physical fidelity. Couple-centric polyamory offers some security through hierarchy and privilege. When a lover is discarded, ripples rock through all the other relationships. Is the Hinge prioritising their own happiness in obtaining NRE-euphoria at the expense of the Hinge's other relationships? "Am I the next to go?"
Insecurity is key here. There was always a trust that a new lover would not subtract from an existing relationship. But when an old lover is discarded due to the addition of a new lover, this trust is broken, not just broken for that relationship, but broken across all other relationships, as well. There are ripples of mistrust. The thought, "Am I the next to go?" might spread throughout the polycule.
In summary, when the hinge becomes polysaturated, but takes on a new lover, heartbreak seems to follow. It seems to me that polyamory offers the joy of NRE, balanced against heartbreak, processing and conflicts.
This is a very negative view of mine. Sorry, I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. I'm just trying to figure stuff out. To me, it seems that for every additional love in polyamory, you end up with one heartbreak. The ratio seems to be 1:1.
I think that other forms of consensual non-monogamy don't suffer as much from this. BDSM, kink, swinging, friends with benefits and fuckbuddies don't generally come with such emotional attachment, and therefore there are fewer "breakup" feelings. My understanding with poly is that you can transition relatively painlessly, as well. But the more invested the relationship is, the more heartache is involved.
I'll summarise my point and my question. Imagine a previously-monogamous couple in a long-term relationship, attempting polyamory for the first time. They may have had experience with non-monogamy before, but not polyamory. They choose to add lovers to their lives to experience NRE, with the high ideals of lifelong commitment, provided there are no major hiccups.
I think this situation either ends with polyfidelity at the level of polysaturation, or in a break-up, with break-ups happening at an approximate ratio of 1 breakup to 1 new lover. It is possible to break up less painfully, but less painful transitions seem to involve a willingness to "let go" earlier, before becoming too invested in the relationship. One could argue that it would be healthier to enter a relationship with the intention to transition, or to break up as soon as NRE fades, but then this sounds more like friends-with-benefits than polyamorous-with-emotions.
In answering my question, please bear in mind my biases. I'm monogamous, in a long-term relationship, open to the idea and philosophy of polyamory, but still too monogamous in my mindset to consider non-hierarchy or relationship anarchy. I have had exactly one sexual relationship and have experienced reciprocated NRE exactly once, with my wife, and that was so long ago I don't even remember what it really feels like. The NRE, that is. The sex was more recent.
My questions are, for a couple like us, starting out, is the scenario I'm painting for polyamory something that happens rarely, sometimes or often? Is there a way for such a couple to do polyamory whilst avoiding the inevitable heartbreak? Can you even do this if you also want to have kids?
Remember, I'd also like to hear from those of you who seldom post. If poly experience has hurt you, perhaps I can learn from your life experiences. Share with me, please, what you wished you'd known before attempting polyamory.
Thank you.
I have almost no experience with polyamory. My understanding of it comes mainly from reading all your blogs, with a bias towards reading those I think are similar to my situation, so, essentially, couple-centric polyamory in the context of one long-term relationship.
In this context, I think I'm beginning to see a pattern, when previously monogamous couples open themselves to polyamory. I wanted to ask what you guys with more experience think. It's going to be a negative view. I'm happy to have a discussion.
I think that many monogamous couples healthily choose to enter polyamory as a way of adding more love to their lives, to experience the buzz of NRE, and to fall in love again.
So, suppose they create a V. The upside of the situation is the euphoria of NRE. The downsides are the inevitable conflicts, processing and boundary negotiations. My hypothetical couple come from a previously monogamous long-term relationship. They did not separate. The philosophy of their love styles would resemble monogamous philosophy, in wanting relationships to pass the test of time.
My hypothetical couple would have entered polyamory with the high ideals of forming a lifelong love with a third person. In the absence of major drama, I presume they would want to keep their relationship going long after the NRE has faded. The summary of this paragraph is, they have a V, the hinge enjoyed the NRE, all parties put the effort in and major hurdles have been overcome. Now they're settling. NRE has faded, but they're content, poly-fidelitous, perhaps.
But now their situation is similar to monogamy. Stable. Stale. No NRE. Just busier, with 2 lovers and split commitments. Do they feel a need to add more love to their lives, still? Presumably, the factors that led to dissatisfaction with monogamy are still present, and they want to experience the buzz of NRE, and fall in love again.
So 2 lovers becomes 3, then 4, then 5... Then something cracks. There is no time. A lover is neglected and then discarded. Other lovers panic. Love is meant to be infinite, but time is not. Monogamy offers a level of security through emotional and physical fidelity. Couple-centric polyamory offers some security through hierarchy and privilege. When a lover is discarded, ripples rock through all the other relationships. Is the Hinge prioritising their own happiness in obtaining NRE-euphoria at the expense of the Hinge's other relationships? "Am I the next to go?"
Insecurity is key here. There was always a trust that a new lover would not subtract from an existing relationship. But when an old lover is discarded due to the addition of a new lover, this trust is broken, not just broken for that relationship, but broken across all other relationships, as well. There are ripples of mistrust. The thought, "Am I the next to go?" might spread throughout the polycule.
In summary, when the hinge becomes polysaturated, but takes on a new lover, heartbreak seems to follow. It seems to me that polyamory offers the joy of NRE, balanced against heartbreak, processing and conflicts.
This is a very negative view of mine. Sorry, I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. I'm just trying to figure stuff out. To me, it seems that for every additional love in polyamory, you end up with one heartbreak. The ratio seems to be 1:1.
I think that other forms of consensual non-monogamy don't suffer as much from this. BDSM, kink, swinging, friends with benefits and fuckbuddies don't generally come with such emotional attachment, and therefore there are fewer "breakup" feelings. My understanding with poly is that you can transition relatively painlessly, as well. But the more invested the relationship is, the more heartache is involved.
I'll summarise my point and my question. Imagine a previously-monogamous couple in a long-term relationship, attempting polyamory for the first time. They may have had experience with non-monogamy before, but not polyamory. They choose to add lovers to their lives to experience NRE, with the high ideals of lifelong commitment, provided there are no major hiccups.
I think this situation either ends with polyfidelity at the level of polysaturation, or in a break-up, with break-ups happening at an approximate ratio of 1 breakup to 1 new lover. It is possible to break up less painfully, but less painful transitions seem to involve a willingness to "let go" earlier, before becoming too invested in the relationship. One could argue that it would be healthier to enter a relationship with the intention to transition, or to break up as soon as NRE fades, but then this sounds more like friends-with-benefits than polyamorous-with-emotions.
In answering my question, please bear in mind my biases. I'm monogamous, in a long-term relationship, open to the idea and philosophy of polyamory, but still too monogamous in my mindset to consider non-hierarchy or relationship anarchy. I have had exactly one sexual relationship and have experienced reciprocated NRE exactly once, with my wife, and that was so long ago I don't even remember what it really feels like. The NRE, that is. The sex was more recent.
My questions are, for a couple like us, starting out, is the scenario I'm painting for polyamory something that happens rarely, sometimes or often? Is there a way for such a couple to do polyamory whilst avoiding the inevitable heartbreak? Can you even do this if you also want to have kids?
Remember, I'd also like to hear from those of you who seldom post. If poly experience has hurt you, perhaps I can learn from your life experiences. Share with me, please, what you wished you'd known before attempting polyamory.
Thank you.