Sitting here in knots

[lisa6]

Hi...

Sitting here in knots.. crying and scared..in a triad with husband and girlfriend. 2 yrs now.. I love both of them very much.. my husband thinks that gf is pulling away from us and really isn't interested in dating us anymore.

I feel like my soul has been ripped from my chest when he says that..

So I told him that we need to talk to her and findout..and Iam terrified of talking to her because what if she doesn't love us anymore and doesn't want to be with us?

When I love someone I love them deeply.. I simply don't know how people go thru having there heart broken over and over.. I think that would destroy me..

I hope everything goes okay when we talk to her....

 

[Magdlyn]

If I were you I'd damn well WANT to have the talk and find out if your gf is really done with the relationship with you, and/or the relationship with your husband.

Maybe you will find out what the problems are and be able to make adjustments, and repair things.

What are the reasons your h thinks she is pulling away? Have there been issues, arguments? Or are you and she both so conflict avoidant she is just gonna leave without giving reasons?

 

[lisa6]

Paloma's Agip

Hi..

My h thinks she is pulling away because the last couple of times he went to hold her hand she withdrew her hand..

Just little things...

She isn't as affectionate as she used to be..

Not as interested in sex..

Not sure if her feeling have changed. Or if she is depressed or just exhausted from work..

No big blowouts..

Both she and I are conflict avoidant.

I can say that she is definately not the same person I knew 2 yrs ago or even a year ago..

I know she is stressed at work and I think suffering from depression..

I just don't know what to do..

But when your in a relationship with someone and they don't want to hold your hand I rink it requires a conversation..

 

[Magdlyn]

Of course it requires a conversation. Lack of interest in sex or other kinds of physical intimacy does indicate a problem.

You know poly can't work without open and honest communication, right? If your gf is depressed because of work (situational) or other reasons, you might be able to help her. Instead you are both paralysed by fear.

Lean in.

 

[lisa6]

Hi..

Yes I am paralyzed by fear of rejection..
I am paralyzed by fear of opening myself up to hurt..

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi..

Yes I am paralyzed by fear of rejection..
I am paralyzed by fear of opening myself up to hurt..

It sounds like NRE just ended and a real relationship can now begin. That is based on really knowing each other, by talking about stuff, like adults.

You might have an infested wound on your arm. The doctor recommends lancing the wound, which would release pus. But you're afraid of the pain of the lancing. Eventually, your arm becomes so infected, it needs to be amputated.

You're so afraid of the temporary pain of a mere conversation, you'd rather risk losing your girlfriend altogether rather than have a few deep conversations. Do you really love her, or just some idealised version of her?

 

[FallenAngelina]

Yes I am paralyzed by fear of rejection..
I am paralyzed by fear of opening myself up to hurt..

In and of itself, this eats away at intimacy, so if left unattended your fear will only grow and grow. Absolutely find reassurance from your GF for now. Knowing more about what's going on with her will calm you, no matter what the cause of her emotional distance, because having more information will always feel better than your imagination's wild speculations. But know that your paralyzing fear of rejection is something only you can make better. Your GF brings it out, but it's an experience that lives in you and this is very likely not the first time you've felt this level of terror over the prospect of emotional abandonment. Sooth the situation for now, but keep in mind that your paralyzing fear of rejection is going to keep emerging until you take steps to address it. This is way bigger for you than whatever is going on with her.

 

[lisa6]

Thanks..

I just asked on our group text for us all to get together so we can chat.. injust said that I have somethings going on that I need to talk about..so that I don't put anyone on the defensive.

I am so scared to open up.. it's just the fear of disappointment and being hurt.. what if she has fallen out of love with me?

I don't really know what it is at this point... I just know that the lack of intamcy and sex is making me feel rejected by her..I am scared..

It very well could be her job or her depression.. but what if it is that she just isn't into me anymore? Than I wonder why I ever got into this? Why did I let myself be vulnerable?

 

[minnegander]

Will Smith, I believe, said that "bliss is just on the other side of fear" and went into an explanation about how people spend the night before sky diving all worried about it, but after they are pushed off the plane, the fear melted away and they enjoyed themselves.

We fear what we don't know because we can't control the outcome, but we cannot know the outcome until we overcome the fear.

This can go multiple directions and you cannot know how to handle it until met with that crossroads. She might have something going on that she's afraid to talk about because she may think you two wouldn't care enough. Who knows? We can only guess what the issues are until those conversations are had.

Good luck to you and keep us updated!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi lisa6,

That's an awful situation to be caught in, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I hope when you talk to your girlfriend that she won't break your heart, but neither you nor I can decide that for her. Hang in there and continue to turn to this forum for help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I just asked on our group text for us all to get together so we can chat.. injust said that I have somethings going on that I need to talk about..so that I don't put anyone on the defensive.

Glad to hear you asked for a time to talk. I hope things get sorted one way or another. Take it one thing at a time.

Yes I am paralyzed by fear of rejection..
I am paralyzed by fear of opening myself up to hurt..

Why fear being hurt? Is it that you think you cannot cope?

The only way to not be hurt ever by other people's behavior is to not engage in relationships at all. I don't think you want that.

I am so scared to open up.. it's just the fear of disappointment and being hurt.. what if she has fallen out of love with me?

Then she's fallen out of love with you and you will cope with that if that is what it is.

If you are sitting around telling yourself you cannot cope...does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from your emotional balance? Is that kind of self talk fueling the fears or fueling your “coping-ness?”

Which one do you want to be fueling?

It very well could be her job or her depression..

Then you will all deal with that. If that is what it is.

but what if it is that she just isn't into me anymore?

Then you will all deal with that. If that is what it is.

Then I wonder why I ever got into this? Why did I let myself be vulnerable?

Because you wanted to experience the chance at the joy of being in a poly thing, so you pay the price of admission.

Sounds like you had that joy for a time. And might still. Don't jump the gun thinking doom. Find out what you ACTUALLY have on your hands. Even if you have to sit with some uncomfortable anxiety in the unfolding. You do not become comfortable with conflict resolution by avoiding it. Confidence is like a muscle -- it grows strong through exercising it.

I wonder if some of this is about you becoming more emotionally resilient/emotionally confident? That YES... you can handle things in your life – ALL the parts. The fun parts. And the not so fun parts. And that either way? You will be ok in the end.

You don't have to be scared to LIVE because you know that you CAN cope with things. You might not LOVE the less fun parts of life. (Who does?) Getting through the tough parts might be a workout. But then you no longer have to fear them.

I suggest you open yourself to this experience.

Even if you guys have to part ways, you can still part with dignity and grace. There's something to be said for a loving parting.

So either way -- if it is work stress? You can cope with that.

If it's parting with grace? You can cope that too.

You will be OK.

Maybe along the way you learn to talk to yourself in an encouraging way rather than in a fear inducing way.

You have to live in your head you know. No point in tuning to radio stations in there that just make life that much harder. YKWIM?

Learn to change the channel. Don't be ADDING extra load with negative self talk to the burdens you already have. Aim for single loads. Not double load.

Then get on with sorting whatever it is out.

GL!

Galagirl

 

[lisa6]

Hi - update

Girlfriend responded to texts I sent about wanting to talk to hear.. she wanted to know right way what I wanted to talk about.. we chatted some over text.. she reassured me and my husband that she loves us both and is into our relationship and that is life stresses..

We had a very nice date tonight.. not too much talking we were at a public place for dinner.. went back to her house but one of the kids were home...

I feel that she seemed much more relaxed and loving with us than she has been.. my husband still says he has serious doubts about her intentions.. he needs actions and not words..

 

[lisa6]

On the flip side I should add-

That my husband down plays his feeling about girlfriend sometimes to me.. I don't know why... I don't feel hurt about him loving her, I hope he does!

To explain - tonight she complained her car smelled so he offered to have it detailed cleaned for her.. a loving act.. it says to me he cares and loves her...but than he will say things to me to down play his feelings.. I don't get it..

So I feel like I am on a merry go round

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad the talk with GF went ok and you feel better after having a date and time to reconnect. See? You had an emotional workout, and got through it ok. Next time you don't have to fear (bringing stuff up and sorting things out) so much.

but than he will say things to me to down play his feelings.. I don't get it..

You could ask husband if he is aware he does this. Or ask him why he does this. Tell him you are ok with him expressing love for GF around you. He doesn't have to down play or pussy foot or whatever.

If you don't want to be hearing the down playing? Could ask him to please stop talking like that around you. Either say nothing or just be more emotionally honest instead. Not this odd down play thing he's doing.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from your partners. You are in relationship with them. RELATE.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

my husband thinks that gf is pulling away from us and really isn't interested in dating us anymore.

How psychic is your husband, exactly?

And why does he rely on his mind-reading abilitiies rather than simply ASKING HER?

Is it possible you three can claim to trust each other when triangulation occurs so casually? Isn't that tactic something that should be admitted, examined, & eliminated?

How does avoiding having difficult conversations with each other ASAFP improve your relationships?

At what point did his doubts about his connection magically tranform into questions about YOUR connection?

I feel like my soul has been ripped from my chest when he says that

How often does he do this sort of thing to you?

Have you asked him WHY he chooses to cause you anxiety?

 

[minnegander]

I feel that she seemed much more relaxed and loving with us than she has been.. my husband still says he has serious doubts about her intentions.. he needs actions and not words..

What is it that he thinks she is just "saying" and not "acting"? Sometimes people go through stresses in life and that's completely understandable. She reassured you both that its nothing to do with either of you and that life is a little down right now. Maybe that can lead to a further conversation about what is actually going on in her life to cause her these stresses.

I've grown to be wary of anyone who continually says, "I need actions, not words". For whatever reason, anyone who has ever said that to me has proven to have other issues that they don't want to discuss. Ask your husband what it is that he thinks she's harboring bad intentions. That might help.


Hope that all helps and that it all goes well!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I've grown to be wary of anyone who continually says, "I need actions, not words". For whatever reason, anyone who has ever said that to me has proven to have other issues that they don't want to discuss.

FWIW, I agree. If someone is saying this, there's always internal work to be done by the person who is saying it. When things get to this point, all "action" from the other person is not going to rectify why the other needs to see the "action" so much. In this particular scenario, there's a lot more going on than "action" can fix.

 

[Ravenscroft]

she complained her car smelled so he offered to have it detailed cleaned for her.. a loving act.. it says to me he cares and loves her

I disagree. To me it says he believes that he can buy loyalty.

(Would he pay for that himself, or does it come out of your joint account?)

You keep describing someone who's acting manipulatively. Keeping you emotionally off-balance, & "mind reading" your partner, puts him in a position of power over the women.

He talks to you ABOUT her unreliability; he probably complains to her about YOU. That's triangulation.

Maybe it's true that she ACTUALLY IS pulling back from him. He may have been using these tactics for years, & you've adapted to it, but it's beginning to creep her out.

Please reread my previous post, & think hard about the questions.

And consider speaking to her WITHOUT him.