Hi everyone! I'm back with an update. Back in April I joined for some guidance and I want to thank everyone for their responses. I took some time to think about everything and decided I still wanted to move forward with my relationship. WARNING: this is very long and I apologize.
Recap: my bf is a new poly, I am mono, and his other gf is bi and claims to be mono but wants to be able to be with other women. She hates me, I'm not a fan of hers, but we get along in each other's presence.
Last time I shared here, they had broken up, but got back together with the understanding that the two of them were in a relationship and that he and I were in a relationship. So here we go, right? Ugh.
First, after posting here, I stopped by to see him one evening and she was there so he met me outside. I wanted to spend 5 minutes and he said it was fine (I never show up without permission). As we were getting ready to say goodbye, she comes outside, completely ignores me, and says "It's been more than 5 minutes. Are we going to watch this movie or should I just go home?" Then she stalks back inside. So she and I just avoided each other. Then in May, he and I went on our annual vacation. We spent 2 days (1 night) together in Chicago. The first day there, my bf asks me if I said anything to her. Nope, haven't contacted her at all. He said she had been texting him nonstop about what we were doing together and commented about us enjoying our couples massage (um, there was no plan for a couples massage, but sounds nice). The next day a friend of his that we visited pulled him aside to let him know she wanted him to spy on us during our trip, but he didn't want to get involved. I was pissed, but my bf and I talked about it and I let it go. When we got back, I asked him if we could have a talk about what each of us needed from the other to make our relationship work. She called him when she was a few minutes away to let him know she was coming over and he told her he was having a conversation with me and she can't just show up without letting him know. He told her he would see her when we were finished and no, she could not come to my house. She started texting ME to find out what was going on. When we were done talking, I let her know he was on his way back to his place and she said "maybe his actual girlfriend should know if he's gonna be with someone else." I let him deal with that one.
I invited her over to spend Memorial Day with us. We were having a BBQ at my place and I said she was welcome to attend, but I would understand if she declined. I was trying to be open-minded and build a relationship between all of us. She accepted, then backed out, then changed her mind again. It went fairly well until our bf started paying more attention to her and ignoring me. Perhaps trying to make her more comfortable? He told both of us beforehand that we were not allowed to fight so I, again, let it go.. He and I discussed the situation later to make potential future gatherings better for all of us.
In June, things fell apart. They had been having issues ever since they got back together, but it had been getting worse. One particular incident: They went on a week long trip to Bonnaroo (a music and arts festival in TN for anyone not familiar) and at one point she got upset and started shoving him, telling him to get away from her and she was going to leave, but they had driven there together. She started yelling and hitting him so he pushed her into the car and got in and told her she could keep yelling or shut up. She started kicking him so he restrained her. When he let her go, she slapped him. He very calmly told her never to hit him again and she said "Then don't tell me to shut up." He was abused by his father growing up and he said he was not going to put up with another person who hit him while claiming to love him. When they returned from the trip, he sat her down and basically said, I love you and I want to be with you, but we need to get help. If you leave me again, we are done for good and I will not fight for you. She agreed to see a couples counselor and they made an appt the next day.
Friday of that week, he and I had plans, but she showed up unannounced and when I arrived she was taking a nap, so I left not wanting to make her angry. He wouldn't kiss me goodbye because she wasn't feeling well. If he couldn't kiss her because she was sick, he couldn't kiss me because that would make her feel like I was getting more than she was. He stayed with me Saturday, we spent Sunday apart for family stuff, then we were both busy until Wednesday. He said I could come over for a few, but he had to leave at 845 to meet his gf. I had been there 5 minutes and she shows up, again unannounced. She was angry that he was seeing me before her so she came to let us know. She said "Did you touch her? Did you kiss her?" And when he said yes, (we hugged), she said "Then I'm leaving." He went to calm her down and I left. Later that night, she messaged me again "If you're not going to f***, the whole reason why you can't just be his friend, then get the f*** out of our lives. And if you are, then f***ing do it so I can get out of yours." (He and I have not been sexually intimate this entire time. She wouldn't allow it, then she said just do it and get it over with, then she started threatening to leave him if he was with me.)
The next day, he and I met to talk about what had happened. They had had their first counseling session and she kept texting him to see what we were talking about, and she didn't want him to be with me that night. He said she did all the talking, despite the counselor trying to ask him things, but overall it went well. He didn't go into details with me, but said she has a lot of issues she needs to deal with. They had another appt Monday.
He and I didn't talk much over the weekend, he was busy with work, and Monday, as he was heading in to their 1pm couples session, he said he had just found out his dad was in the hospital and he was going to visit that evening. At 222pm I get a message from his gf. "I won't be bothering you anymore. Have a nice life together." An hour later he messaged me saying "Just FYI, ** and I are done."
He and I haven't discussed their breakup. I don't need to know the details, but I'd listen if he wanted to talk. I was upset the other day because he and I had plans and as I was getting ready to leave my class and head over, he said, "can you not come right over? Maybe park down the street for a few?" So I immediately think, she's there. They're getting back together, again. He and I had a nice evening, though it was short because he had to work. I called him later to ask about it and he confirmed that she was there. She was having a hard time and needed to talk. He said they are not getting back together because he needs to do what is best for him and that relationship was not going to work. He also said that she understands what the situation is.
So last night, he says he doesn't want me to get upset if she's around or for me to be afraid he's going to leave me for her. She texted him saying I'm probably ecstatic that they broke up and he ignored it. He said he knows that I'm not happy because he's not happy. And it's the truth. I wasn't looking for their relationship to end. I would actually very much like for them to be able to remain friends if possible.
And here we are. I told him I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I'm doing and he said "welcome to my life." Both he and I are new to this, so any advice for a new poly and a poly/mono relationship? I have a feeling things will be quite different without a metamour and he doesn't fall that hard for just anyone. I know it will be long time if he ever finds another partner to become that prominent in our lives. How do I become ok with him having other partners? How do I have that much self confidence and trust? What should he expect? I do not want other partners outside of our relationship; however I have considered being with another woman and letting him watch. It would be far outside my comfort zone, but neither experience would technically be new to me. (Gotta love college, right?) How do we ensure both of our needs are met and that we are both happy with the arrangement?
I'm sure there will tons of comments about communication..... advice on how to get that started would be very welcome.
Recap: my bf is a new poly, I am mono, and his other gf is bi and claims to be mono but wants to be able to be with other women. She hates me, I'm not a fan of hers, but we get along in each other's presence.
Last time I shared here, they had broken up, but got back together with the understanding that the two of them were in a relationship and that he and I were in a relationship. So here we go, right? Ugh.
First, after posting here, I stopped by to see him one evening and she was there so he met me outside. I wanted to spend 5 minutes and he said it was fine (I never show up without permission). As we were getting ready to say goodbye, she comes outside, completely ignores me, and says "It's been more than 5 minutes. Are we going to watch this movie or should I just go home?" Then she stalks back inside. So she and I just avoided each other. Then in May, he and I went on our annual vacation. We spent 2 days (1 night) together in Chicago. The first day there, my bf asks me if I said anything to her. Nope, haven't contacted her at all. He said she had been texting him nonstop about what we were doing together and commented about us enjoying our couples massage (um, there was no plan for a couples massage, but sounds nice). The next day a friend of his that we visited pulled him aside to let him know she wanted him to spy on us during our trip, but he didn't want to get involved. I was pissed, but my bf and I talked about it and I let it go. When we got back, I asked him if we could have a talk about what each of us needed from the other to make our relationship work. She called him when she was a few minutes away to let him know she was coming over and he told her he was having a conversation with me and she can't just show up without letting him know. He told her he would see her when we were finished and no, she could not come to my house. She started texting ME to find out what was going on. When we were done talking, I let her know he was on his way back to his place and she said "maybe his actual girlfriend should know if he's gonna be with someone else." I let him deal with that one.
I invited her over to spend Memorial Day with us. We were having a BBQ at my place and I said she was welcome to attend, but I would understand if she declined. I was trying to be open-minded and build a relationship between all of us. She accepted, then backed out, then changed her mind again. It went fairly well until our bf started paying more attention to her and ignoring me. Perhaps trying to make her more comfortable? He told both of us beforehand that we were not allowed to fight so I, again, let it go.. He and I discussed the situation later to make potential future gatherings better for all of us.
In June, things fell apart. They had been having issues ever since they got back together, but it had been getting worse. One particular incident: They went on a week long trip to Bonnaroo (a music and arts festival in TN for anyone not familiar) and at one point she got upset and started shoving him, telling him to get away from her and she was going to leave, but they had driven there together. She started yelling and hitting him so he pushed her into the car and got in and told her she could keep yelling or shut up. She started kicking him so he restrained her. When he let her go, she slapped him. He very calmly told her never to hit him again and she said "Then don't tell me to shut up." He was abused by his father growing up and he said he was not going to put up with another person who hit him while claiming to love him. When they returned from the trip, he sat her down and basically said, I love you and I want to be with you, but we need to get help. If you leave me again, we are done for good and I will not fight for you. She agreed to see a couples counselor and they made an appt the next day.
Friday of that week, he and I had plans, but she showed up unannounced and when I arrived she was taking a nap, so I left not wanting to make her angry. He wouldn't kiss me goodbye because she wasn't feeling well. If he couldn't kiss her because she was sick, he couldn't kiss me because that would make her feel like I was getting more than she was. He stayed with me Saturday, we spent Sunday apart for family stuff, then we were both busy until Wednesday. He said I could come over for a few, but he had to leave at 845 to meet his gf. I had been there 5 minutes and she shows up, again unannounced. She was angry that he was seeing me before her so she came to let us know. She said "Did you touch her? Did you kiss her?" And when he said yes, (we hugged), she said "Then I'm leaving." He went to calm her down and I left. Later that night, she messaged me again "If you're not going to f***, the whole reason why you can't just be his friend, then get the f*** out of our lives. And if you are, then f***ing do it so I can get out of yours." (He and I have not been sexually intimate this entire time. She wouldn't allow it, then she said just do it and get it over with, then she started threatening to leave him if he was with me.)
The next day, he and I met to talk about what had happened. They had had their first counseling session and she kept texting him to see what we were talking about, and she didn't want him to be with me that night. He said she did all the talking, despite the counselor trying to ask him things, but overall it went well. He didn't go into details with me, but said she has a lot of issues she needs to deal with. They had another appt Monday.
He and I didn't talk much over the weekend, he was busy with work, and Monday, as he was heading in to their 1pm couples session, he said he had just found out his dad was in the hospital and he was going to visit that evening. At 222pm I get a message from his gf. "I won't be bothering you anymore. Have a nice life together." An hour later he messaged me saying "Just FYI, ** and I are done."
He and I haven't discussed their breakup. I don't need to know the details, but I'd listen if he wanted to talk. I was upset the other day because he and I had plans and as I was getting ready to leave my class and head over, he said, "can you not come right over? Maybe park down the street for a few?" So I immediately think, she's there. They're getting back together, again. He and I had a nice evening, though it was short because he had to work. I called him later to ask about it and he confirmed that she was there. She was having a hard time and needed to talk. He said they are not getting back together because he needs to do what is best for him and that relationship was not going to work. He also said that she understands what the situation is.
So last night, he says he doesn't want me to get upset if she's around or for me to be afraid he's going to leave me for her. She texted him saying I'm probably ecstatic that they broke up and he ignored it. He said he knows that I'm not happy because he's not happy. And it's the truth. I wasn't looking for their relationship to end. I would actually very much like for them to be able to remain friends if possible.
And here we are. I told him I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I'm doing and he said "welcome to my life." Both he and I are new to this, so any advice for a new poly and a poly/mono relationship? I have a feeling things will be quite different without a metamour and he doesn't fall that hard for just anyone. I know it will be long time if he ever finds another partner to become that prominent in our lives. How do I become ok with him having other partners? How do I have that much self confidence and trust? What should he expect? I do not want other partners outside of our relationship; however I have considered being with another woman and letting him watch. It would be far outside my comfort zone, but neither experience would technically be new to me. (Gotta love college, right?) How do we ensure both of our needs are met and that we are both happy with the arrangement?
I'm sure there will tons of comments about communication..... advice on how to get that started would be very welcome.
