stillfiguringthingsout
New member
Hi all,
I don't post often and tend to read a lot, but I need help.
Some background: I am happily married for 27 years, I am in a 6 year relationship with a man who is also married to his wife for 34 years. She and her boyfriend of eight years ended their relationship over a year ago, his decision.
I knew that when her relationship ended with her boyfriend that my own relationship with my boyfriend (her husband) would change. That I would see him less (Up until that point I was with him every weekend) and perhaps dynamics would also change.
I must admit that the last few months have been especially hard...too much time with the three of us, not enough couple time with the two of us.
Twice, she has gotten upset with me saying she feels like a third wheel around me, that she feels like she can't express herself in her own home...things like that. These outbursts have come completely out of the blue as I do everything in my power to always be aware that I am in her home and am very conscious to include her in most everything. To the detriment of my relationship with my boyfriend.
This past month I seem to have completely withdrawn from both of them. I am exhausted. Ironically, I have always felt like an outsider when I'm with the two of them and that I do not have a safe space to express my feelings in their home as I'm afraid that she will immediately start to cry and tell me that she feels like she can't be herself in her own home.
In order to avoid this, I'm now refusing to actually go to their home when the both of them are there.
I really don't know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend very much. But my mental health is really suffering. I told him that I need to have more alone quality time with him. That when I am functioning on an emotional deficit that I have trouble functioning in a healthy way when the three of us are together since I am more vulnerable to my own fears and insecurities. I told him that I believe our relationship needs a safe space to grow and where we can actively be ourselves and show our affection for one another. This is not possible around his wife. He and I both seem to feel some sort of guilt although we have not done anything wrong.
He has agreed that we need to spend more quality time together. But I need to know how to move forward with his wife. She knows that I am in a bad headspace right now but I haven't told her the details.
Should I go to therapy to deal with this? Is it an issue of boundaries? Do I have a right to ask for boundaries around mine and my boyfriends relationship?
I don't know what to do
I don't post often and tend to read a lot, but I need help.
Some background: I am happily married for 27 years, I am in a 6 year relationship with a man who is also married to his wife for 34 years. She and her boyfriend of eight years ended their relationship over a year ago, his decision.
I knew that when her relationship ended with her boyfriend that my own relationship with my boyfriend (her husband) would change. That I would see him less (Up until that point I was with him every weekend) and perhaps dynamics would also change.
I must admit that the last few months have been especially hard...too much time with the three of us, not enough couple time with the two of us.
Twice, she has gotten upset with me saying she feels like a third wheel around me, that she feels like she can't express herself in her own home...things like that. These outbursts have come completely out of the blue as I do everything in my power to always be aware that I am in her home and am very conscious to include her in most everything. To the detriment of my relationship with my boyfriend.
This past month I seem to have completely withdrawn from both of them. I am exhausted. Ironically, I have always felt like an outsider when I'm with the two of them and that I do not have a safe space to express my feelings in their home as I'm afraid that she will immediately start to cry and tell me that she feels like she can't be herself in her own home.
In order to avoid this, I'm now refusing to actually go to their home when the both of them are there.
I really don't know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend very much. But my mental health is really suffering. I told him that I need to have more alone quality time with him. That when I am functioning on an emotional deficit that I have trouble functioning in a healthy way when the three of us are together since I am more vulnerable to my own fears and insecurities. I told him that I believe our relationship needs a safe space to grow and where we can actively be ourselves and show our affection for one another. This is not possible around his wife. He and I both seem to feel some sort of guilt although we have not done anything wrong.
He has agreed that we need to spend more quality time together. But I need to know how to move forward with his wife. She knows that I am in a bad headspace right now but I haven't told her the details.
Should I go to therapy to deal with this? Is it an issue of boundaries? Do I have a right to ask for boundaries around mine and my boyfriends relationship?
I don't know what to do