My husband and I are very new to polyamory. We've tried swinging and whatnot. We travel for his job. Recently one of his coworkers started staying near us. They hung out a lot, the three of us hung out a lot.
So this
male Coworker started hanging out with your husband, and then with both of you. A lot. Maybe you partied, drank, smoked, inhibitions were down, and then you had threeway sex.
My husband and I talked about poly, ideally finding another girl so I would have a girlfriend that could travel with us while he was at work. As it turns out, his coworker was our first.
So, you thought you having a female partner would be ideal, but you had sex with a male. Did your husband also prefer you only date another female? Was there always a 3way sex scenario or requirement in your shared fantasies? If your idea was having a relationship with a woman, how does it work when it's a man? It sounds like your h isn't real happy with this.
You know finding a "girl who can travel with us on business" is pretty unrealistic, right? Most "girls" (women!) have jobs, families, pets, apartments or houses, friends and family that need them or want them around. Most women can't just up and start traveling with a new couple of lovers right off the bat. And those that would do that, I would think, with no job, apartment or home ties, might be kind of sketchy people, I would think.
The first time, it was random, out of left field, hubby's idea. Awkward for them, I had a great time.
You mean first time threeway sex? You had fun in this MFM sex scene but the guys didn't? Are they both straight? Was it a first MFM sex experience for both of them? I am not surprised they found it awkward, it it was the first time for both of them. Maybe it wasn't, if you and your h had MFM sex when you were swingers. But now that you're going with a poly dynamic maybe it feels more threatening for him than casual sex-only swinging.
After that I was a little flirty with coworker. Husband said it made him uncomfortable so I stopped.
You were flirty with your new lover in front of your husband? It can take time to get comfortable with showing affection for one partner in front of the other... You seem set on all being together in one space at one time. But you could see your new partner separately so you can feel free to show affection without worrying your h. That is another option.
The second and last time it happened, it was super awkward.
"It" happened? You mean threeway sex? Please be specific. You may not realise most of poly does NOT involve group sex. Most people here don't do it.
I didn't want to make my husband feel left out, and I didn't want to make the other guy feel left out- but he was. Husband got up to do something, and left me and the other guy there. That was the best time I had with other guy that night- there wasn't pressure to make sure hubby know he was #1.
I don't even know how you'd make one partner feel #1 while having threeway sex with another person involved... Maybe make it balanced so both get individual attention, touches, orgasms, but making one #1? How would you even do that without hurt feelings?
The other guy had to go to the next job contract early. I miss him terribly. He is fun to be around without the sex.
So, you like the sex with him, especially one on one sex. And you like him as a person.
Ideally, I would like the three of us to have a closed relationship. They want another girl, which I was on board, initially. Still do... But I'd like the three of us to be more comfortable with each other first.
Well, jumping from monogamy, to swinging, to a couple of extremely awkward"poly" threeway sex sessions, from an open triad, to a closed triad, to an open triad again, to a closed quad with some hypothetical woman who will care deeply about you, and your husband, and Coworker, and want to have 4some orgies.. Yikes! I mean, that is a big dream. It's OK to dream big... but maybe you should set your sights a bit lower. Maybe be in an open V with husband and Coworker. Date them separately, have sex with them separately... at least until you learn you don't need to "make hubby feel #1" during sex. Maybe you like threeway sex with both guys, but maybe since it's terribly awkward for both of them, you should let go of that ideal for now.
Maybe you and/or hubby and Coworker could all be looking for a female partner who may or may not like or desire the other 2 in the polycule. Treat her as a real person, don't have this prescribed dynamic. What if this hypothetical woman only desires one partner, not THREE new ones at once?
How do I make my husband feel he is still important to me during our ..times?
Please stop with the euphemisms. We are all adults here. "How do I make my husband feel he is still important to me while I am fucking or sucking another guy?" Well, you've got 3 holes and 2 hands, right? During MFM sex it is possible to have one guy's dick in your mouth and another in your hand, your pussy or your ass. Or maybe after having both guys in your hands and orifices, one guy cums first. Then he feel drained and satisfied for a bit and might just enjoy watching you fuck the other guy, or, alternatively, go off to use the bathroom or get a drink or snack or cigarette or whatever, while you and the other guy go at it some more. Then the first guy can come back if he wants more sex, and you can work on the first guy separately or simultaneously again.
How do I approach the relationship idea?
As I said above, you have high hopes for a closed quad? Maybe an open poly dynamic, where all 3 of you are free to seek a female partner would be a more reasonable goal for now. You've only just started seeing Coworker, have only had threesome sex with him twice. Maybe work on getting to know him more, working on your husband's jealousy issues and couple privilege ideas.
You may prefer to work on your threeway dynamic for now. But it's early days with Coworker, only 2 dates! He shouldn't be expected to be suddenly in a closed relationship with you and your h.
You all need to get on the same page, but it could take time. You all seem to have strong fantasies about how this should work, but need to face reality.
We both have jealousy issues that we're working on. It seems to be a thorn for most couples starting out and vererans of this lifestyle.
Jealousy is not really something experienced poly people have big issues with. Occasional envy, maybe. Which is worked out by quickly stating your needs. "Honey, I feel envious you had such a great date with your OSO last night. Could you give me a hug/date/sex/whatever now, or asap?"
I was trying to prepare myself to not be so jealous when we found a girl that we liked.
The use of "we" is a sign of couple privilege.
In fantasy, you both like this hypothetical woman equally and she likes both of you equally and everyone shares dates and sex... You agree to never date or fuck your husband unless gf is there on the date or in the bed. She never dates or fucks anyone else. Even if weeks go by between dates??? It sounds like you and h are on the road a lot. Alone. So gf would naturally be left out, unless she is always traveling with you!!
You had something like this before and want it again? You may not get so lucky this time around.
Some of our boundaries are dating together. If one of us doesn't like someone, they will have veto power. Our marriage will be primary.
Couple privilege again.
As we gain experience as a couple, those may change. His coworker has 0 boundaries, and seems understanding of my husband's comfort level.
Coworker is a horny single guy? He is going along with the veto hanging over his head because he enjoys sex with you. He isn't thinking or worrying about the future... but it sounds like h is jealous of him and not enjoying the threeway sex, and maybe not liking the idea of you and Coworker having one on one sex, or date... how long before he vetoes?
I was a gf to a married couple a few years ago. They didn't go out without me...
Didn't go out at all? Not even to the grocery store or whatever? Did you move in with them early on? Were all your grocery runs single or threesome?
Did this couple you dated have veto power where either of them could end the relationship(s) at any time? If yes, how did you feel about that?
...and even when I hung out separately with one of them, nothing happened until the other one got there.
You mean, no sex would happen. But you'd talk or cuddle perhaps? Bond? You didn't both just sit there facing away from each other. So, something happened, not just actual sexual touching.
Ideally, I want to recreate that.
