What's this jealousy all about then?

S

Snow

New member
I'm in a relationship with a married man and woman, we have all been seeing each other for the last few months & decided a while ago we want only to see each other and have since professed our love for one another. This is all great. Really great.
They have a child & I've been a single mum of two for years, our children are fast friends and we all spend most of our time together. I love my GF & talk constantly with her about everything, sometimes we'll have mornings in bed together while little ones are at nursery. I love my BF, we have fun together; he works so we talk less, he's amazing but I can't be as openly affectionate with him as her & I do (all children are girls and literally don't bat an eyelid when GF & I cuddle together on the sofa)
All my family minus my girls know & are cool with it but GF & BF's parents don't yet along with their child so understandably we have to stay a little more hidden around them; as far as anybody knows, we're all good friends...Reaaally good friends...

Recently I was ill in hospital & lived with them for 2 weeks. It was awesome, I felt happy & safe & loved. Now I've been at home for a week I've been feeling everything all at once. Sad to not be a part of it or be with them, the evening in bed snuggles & the more passionate nights. The feeling of truly being a part of something.

My house is currently needing a lot of work, GF has been here & says it's fine but I'm so anxious about having them around I simply don't, instead we have been content with me being there (a few yards away) & helping with chores etc.

Because of this, I don't get to spend very much time with BF. Our plan when my house is ready is for him to stay a night a week & she does then we're all together at weekends. Just wishing this could be a reality now because all I think about is them in bed together without me & it just stings. Like they text me goodnight & all I can picture is them, it shouldn't hurt, I should be happy about it but truth be told I'm starting to feel jealous. We've talked about the future & pretty sure we want one together, though they'll be trying for a baby in the next year or so & all I can think of is that I can never truly be a part of them.

They've dated since teenagers, lost virginities to one another, have the same friends & a rich history together I wish I could have been part of. They're married, live together, will have another child. Maybe I'm being selfish (& haven't opened up about all of this) but I feel like I'm always going to be the third wheel, despite them trying their best not to make me feel that way.

If anybody was able to make it to the end of this long & tiresome post could you impart some words of wisdom?
What are you experiences of this?
How did/do you deal with these toxic feelings?

I love them both dearly & they love me, I know this is true so why am I being this way. BF told me we just need to make new memories together, I know he's right but sometimes I think they don't truly understand the struggles of feeling this way when you're the one going to sleep alone. Maybe I'm just impatient or overthinking... Aargh crazy person!
 
I think it's perfectly understandable. I think you understand why it is occurring. The only question remaining is what you are going to do about it.

Forget about getting your house perfect. Just take the leap and invite them over. It doesn't have to be as full blown as the ultimate goal. It's fine to start off slow. At least that will give you the sense of being part of a unit as opposed to being the chick on a shelf while the couple lives their life.

Actually, there is a lot of potential there with two houses and a myriad of nightly configurations.

I sort of get the sense you are neglecting your house somewhat in order to spend more time with them. Why are you over there helping them out with chores? Are they not at your place helping you out? Have the three of you discussed a more egalitarian approach?
 
Well. You are experiencing NRE, new relationship energy. The feelings of "love" are very urgent, heightening your sex drive, making you want to be with one or the other of your new partners 24/7.

So, your hormonally driven desire to be around your new mates is so strong you are neglecting your own house work, and maybe neglecting your bf? Does he live with you? It sounds like he is being very understanding. Is he poly too?

NRE can make us do crazy things... I'd caution you to step back a bit. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it is necessary.

NRE is like a drug. It is highly recommended one doesn't make any big decisions while under the influence of this hormonal cocktail. You feel in love now, but true love grows with time and with being tested. It's good they took care of you when you were recovering from your illness, though. That is a good sign. (Where was your BF when you were ill?)

You've only been dating these individuals a few months. It is far too soon to make big plans of lifelong partnership, moving house, having kids together or whatever.

Most poly people do not date as a couple. You are NOT dating a couple. You are dating 2 individuals. What they have together does not concern you. Once we are adults, ALL of our new partners have had a dating past, a sex life past. We can't turn back the clock and insert ourselves into their past. We must just enjoy who they are now.

You can't be "part of their relationship." Their r'ship is theirs.

In a poly triad there are 3 dyads

You and gf
You and bf
Bf and gf

Every dyad needs to be nurtured. So, their couple time is healthy for them. Your couple time with EACH of them, as individuals, needs nurturing too.

And in this case, you have a BF! Your relationship with him needs to be nurtured as you struggle with NRE as well.

These are poly basics that must be dealt with maturely, with sensitivity and patience. Or it all could fall apart and, worst case scenario, you all might end up single.

But I wish you well! You're lucky your new lovers live right next door, it sounds like. Just try and rein in your hormones a bit, try to be a bit rational and patient, keep up responsibilities to your BF and your house, and things should be fine.
 
Sounds like you struggle with envy. Wishing you had what someone else has. Jealousy is when you are afraid someone will take away what you have.

all I think about is them in bed together without me & it just stings. Like they text me goodnight & all I can picture is them, it shouldn't hurt, I should be happy about it but truth be told I'm starting to feel jealous. We've talked about the future & pretty sure we want one together, though they'll be trying for a baby in the next year or so & all I can think of is that I can never truly be a part of them.
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That is correct. Their dyad of (him + her) is not your business.

Just like the dyad of (him + you) is not her business.

And (her + you) is not his business.

How each of these "legs" develops in the overall polyship is up to the members inside them. You are dating a married couple. Make your peace that you are not in ALL the dyads here. It is as it should be in a triad model. It is not a V where you are the only hinge and the two end point people are not involved. That is not what you have here.

You can think of a triad as 3 V's stacked up on each other. ALL of you are hinges. It increases the intensity felt exponentially.

  • Your GF is not just your GF. She is also his wife and your meta (the lover of your lover)
  • Your BF is not just your BF. He is also her husband and your meta.
  • You are not just a GF to each of them. You are also their meta.

Maybe some of your stress is from that. Three people wearing many different hats at once.

GF has been here & says it's fine but I'm so anxious about having them around I simply don't
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If you want more inclusiveness, them more a part of your life -- have them over more. Even if your house is in stages of fixer-upper. That is part of living. What makes you afraid of authenticity? Them loving all of you, as you are?

They've dated since teenagers, lost virginities to one another, have the same friends & a rich history together I wish I could have been part of. They're married, live together, will have another child. Maybe I'm being selfish (& haven't opened up about all of this) but I feel like I'm always going to be the third wheel, despite them trying their best not to make me feel that way.
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It sounds persnickety, but consider not using "think" and "feel" interchangeably. Use "think" for thoughts. Use "feel" for emotions.

You THINK you are always going to be third wheel. Result of doing this thinking behavior? You feel crap because you put your own self down. Could change your mind. Stop thinking that. Stop being your own self bully.

Think instead "Well, they met sooner. That is nobody's fault. The other legs? They are clocking their time together. Just like that leg had to clock its time once upon a time. It is fair enough that all legs must clock their time. If all goes well, all the legs will be celebrating double digit anniversaries. All the legs will have history. If I sit around thinking stuff that makes me feel crap... is that the history I want to be writing?"

I love them both dearly & they love me, I know this is true so why am I being this way.
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Because you spend your time thinking stuff that makes you feel crap later. So you have to change your mind and stop thinking that stuff. Stop being your own self bully. If this is a habit with you, you might see a counselor to work on your stuff.

BF told me we just need to make new memories together,I know he's right but sometimes I think they don't truly understand the struggles of feeling this way when you're the one going to sleep alone.
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You are connecting things that do not need to connect. It could be separated.
  • BF told me we just need to make new memories together,I know he's right.
  • I think they don't truly understand the struggles of feeling this way when you're the one going to sleep alone.

For the first? You could work on each of your dyad legs and clock your time making memories instead of clocking your time being your own self bully.

For the second? Well, it isn't like you are telling them. I don't read that anywhere in your post. That too is part of living. Sharing the unfun stuff with your people. Risk being vulnerable. Share this worry. Be comforted. You could get on with creating emotional/mental intimacy with your partners. They cannot be mind readers.

Maybe I'm just impatient or overthinking... Aargh crazy person!
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I think you ARE being impatient. It's the NRE talking. It's only a few months in.

And you just got out of a pleasant little bubble where you were doing illness recovery in their home. Maybe it felt nice after single mom-in it for so long to NOT be the only adult responsible. And that is OK.

And maybe wishing you didn't have to clock the time. You want to have "arrived" already. That's ok too. You feel what you feel.

At the same time, could also accept life doesn't work that way. One must clock the time. One does not instantly "arrive." Even if you step on the Earth extra hard, you cannot make it spin faster and the days pass quicker. All you do is wear your own self out. So be ok clocking the time. Develop the dyads naturally. Stop trying to speed it up. Stop being your own bully during this process.

I'm in a relationship with a married man and woman, we have all been seeing each other for the last few months & decided a while ago we want only to see each other and have since professed our love for one another. This is all great. Really great.
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Overall things sound good over there. Could focus on that. Rather than overfocus on growing pains. They simply are going to happen. Clock your time and they will go away. The transitional time might go less painfully for you if you stop being your own self bully during it and stop calling yourself a third wheel. There is no need to make your growing pains worse like that. What for? Is it fun? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn said:
Well. You are experiencing NRE, new relationship energy. The feelings of "love" are very urgent, heightening your sex drive, making you want to be with one or the other of your new partners 24/7.

So, your hormonally driven desire to be around your new mates is so strong you are neglecting your own house work, and maybe neglecting your bf? Does he live with you? It sounds like he is being very understanding. Is he poly too?

NRE can make us do crazy things... I'd caution you to step back a bit. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it is necessary.

NRE is like a drug. It is highly recommended one doesn't make any big decisions while under the influence of this hormonal cocktail. You feel in love now, but true love grows with time and with being tested. It's good they took care of you when you were recovering from your illness, though. That is a good sign. (Where was your BF when you were ill?)

You've only been dating these individuals a few months. It is far too soon to make big plans of lifelong partnership, moving house, having kids together or whatever.

Most poly people do not date as a couple. You are NOT dating a couple. You are dating 2 individuals. What they have together does not concern you. Once we are adults, ALL of our new partners have had a dating past, a sex life past. We can't turn back the clock and insert ourselves into their past. We must just enjoy who they are now.

You can't be "part of their relationship." Their r'ship is theirs.

In a poly triad there are 3 dyads

You and gf
You and bf
Bf and gf

Every dyad needs to be nurtured. So, their couple time is healthy for them. Your couple time with EACH of them, as individuals, needs nurturing too.

And in this case, you have a BF! Your relationship with him needs to be nurtured as you struggle with NRE as well.

These are poly basics that must be dealt with maturely, with sensitivity and patience. Or it all could fall apart and, worst case scenario, you all might end up single.

But I wish you well! You're lucky your new lovers live right next door, it sounds like. Just try and rein in your hormones a bit, try to be a bit rational and patient, keep up responsibilities to your BF and your house, and things should be fine.
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I don't think there is an extra BF. It's just the three of them.
 
Hi Snow,

I don't think you're feeling jealous; it's more, you're feeling left out. Maybe the three of you could pool your funds and buy a new house big enough for all three of you and all the kids. Although, it sounds like you've only been seeing each other for a couple of months, so maybe it is too soon to be moving in together. You'll have to decide that for yourselves. You do seem to have a lovely relationship with each other. Just be honest with them about how you are feeling, and don't be afraid to have (both of) them over to your house. Everything doesn't have to be perfect; if you're helping them with chores at their house, maybe they could help you with chores at your house.

I'm sure it's not easy, being so far behind them in terms of time spent together. You see them as the married couple having kids together, and you as the single mom who only has a side place in their lives. I think time will help with that, but it will take time.

Hang in there, and keep us posted on how things are going. We'll try to continue to offer advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I don't think you're feeling jealous; it's more, you're feeling left out. Maybe the three of you could pool your funds and buy a new house big enough for all three of you and all the kids. Although, it sounds like you've only been seeing each other for a couple of months, so maybe it is too soon to be moving in together.
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Much too soon!

But you could use that possibility as motivation to get your present house into shape to sell. :)
 
Way to soon. The NRE hasn't blown over yet and one could not make big life decisions while in NRE like buying a new house and living together.

It could be a plan for the future though. Although the neighboring houses is pretty good as it is. Then lots of sleepovers can happen, but when people need their own space they have it.

Galagirl
 
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