How to handle different sex drives

[Theviking32]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. In the beginning things were great but now she never wants to have sex, gets mad if I talk about sex, and won't let me touch her. We used to have what I thought was a very healthy and exciting sex life. But now our conversations consist of talking about daily house work and things that stress her out. She is constantly mad at me for stating I want to have sex or trying to talk about it because she doesn't want to. She doesn't seem to care that I get upset that our sex life is non existent. Sex isn't everything but I think it is a bigger deal than she does. I basically think we are just co existing and I'm starting to feel like this is a waste of my time. It would be different if she was consistent with this but tells me she doesn't want to be touched by anyone yet she has sex with her husband. I'm very frustrated. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle being in a relationship with different libidos/sex drives? And how to make the relationship work? I love her and want this to work but am feeling bored.

 

[opalescent]

This isn't a different sex drive problem. This is a fundamental incompatibility problem. At a year, most people are still in lust with each other. For whatever reason, your girlfriend is not interested in sex with you. That could be for any number of reasons. But the reasons don't really matter at this point. Your girlfriend is not interested in a relationship with you. She's just not telling you that in words but with her actions.

Listen to her. Break up with her and move on. You are actually wasting your time. This is not a problem that can be fixed by you and it won't be fixed by her if she is unwilling or unable to truly discuss it with you.

Time to get out.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Theviking32,

It seems to me that if you want a relationship with your girlfriend, you'll have to settle for a relationship with zero sex. After all, your girlfriend doesn't even want to talk about it. If she would at least talk about it then a sex therapist might be a possibility. Otherwise, if you want sex, you'll probably have to get it with someone else. Polyamory makes that possible, so that's one hopeful thing.

I hope you and your girlfriend can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

And how to make the relationship work? I love her and want this to work but am feeling bored.

You cannot "make it work" like she suddenly starts sharing sex with you. Because her body belongs to her, not you. You are not in charge of her body. She is in charge of where her body goes. You are in charge of yours.

Options YOU can do?

You could accept that she doesn't want to share sex or talk about it.

• You could accept this is a no-sex relationship. Date romantically but not sexually. And date other people romatically + sexually to meet your sex needs elsewhere. And you can keep on loving her romantically.

• Or you could stop dating her. No sex. No romance. Be friends only. And you can keep on loving her as a friend.

• Or don't be exes + friends -- just be exes only. And you can keep on loving her in memory.

All those options takes the sex expectation off the table. Then you are not frustrated you are not sharing sex. Because you no longer expect share sex to happen in your situation.

Galagirl

 

[dragonette]

I'm not sure it's true that everyone still wants sex after a year. My sex drive starts high then drops precipitously around then. So maybe she does still love you. (Not sure how you know she still does her husband -- maybe she doesn't very often, or maybe she does out of obligation, but doesn't feel obligated to you. But do you want obligation sex?)

It sounds like this is about more than sex for you. There's no romance; she's just using you as a sounding board to vent to about her stressors. If you really want a relationship with her, maybe try talking to her about that -- how to make your relationship more exciting, what she can do to make you feel special and loved. If it works, maybe the romance makes her more interested in sex, or maybe you decide you can live without it from her (while pursuing sexual relationships with others). If it doesn't work or she reacts as negatively to discussing that as to discussing sex, then you know she's just not into you anymore (or has such terrible communication skills she's not worth your time).

 

[central]

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle being in a relationship with different libidos/sex drives? And how to make the relationship work? I love her and want this to work but am feeling bored.

Love is not enough. You lack compatibility. If she truly doesn't want sex with anyone, she may only be having sex with her husband out of obligation or because she wants to keep him around for other benefits. She feels safe in turning you down, because you're not offering anything else she can't live without, I think. Or, she's simply lost interest in you, but not ready to kick you loose.

Generally, a mismatch of libidos is rarely soluble. You'd do well to move on, or at the very least, find another woman to date as well. Once you do, you'll either find that you are happier without this woman, or that she'll "suddenly" discover that she likes sex with you again. Competition can sometimes work wonders.

 

[Rockit49]

A year into it!

I'd say move on!
This is something that should have been taken into consideration long ago.. And hashed out..
1. I need about this much sex. What can we do
2. I need about this much time. What can we do
3. How is your sex drive in general?( Girlfriends of course)
4. How much time is healthy for you and I to spend together?
Get the jist..?
Don't waste your time or hers... Even. Trying to save this would be a waste in my eyes.... Because.. If you didn't have the above in solid form in both of your minds.. Yeah.. It wasn't worth it to begin with... To one or both!
An unnecessary trial...
Anyway... Good luck

 

[Marcus]

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle being in a relationship with different libidos/sex drives? And how to make the relationship work?

Change your expectations to fit reality. Currently you are expecting something from her that is simply not going to happen - this is the nature of your stress. You're trying to jam a square peg into a round hole and everyone involved loses.

I'm not sure it's true that everyone still wants sex after a year.

It isn't.

We are all very different from one another, not only that, we are internally different depending on who we are with and what the circumstances are.

Further, a year is not a long time to know someone. It can take years to really understand how someone tics. I would consider this a new association and it is hitting its first real hurdle in figuring one another out.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

My husband and I rarely have sex. When we were in college we did fairly frequently, looking back, even then, it was mostly at my instigation. Our frequency declined while I was in school and in training, I just wasn't home, and when I was I was too tired to work too hard to make it happen. Then we were trying to conceive, again most instances happened at my request. After a while I got frustrated and felt rejected and stopped initiating and then felt bad when months would go by.

He has always been attentive to me in every other way...but, he just rarely wants sex (we have since decided that he is somewhere on the grey-Ace spectrum there). At some point, I decided that being bitter and feeling rejected wasn't very attractive - so I decided (consciously) to BE a person that I would want to have sex with. Our sex life perked up a bit - mostly in that he was pleased to provide me with attention (i.e. oral sex) if I requested.

After Dude entered the picture (who has a higher sex drive than I do), our (mine and MrS's) sex life is not really any more frequent but, when it does happen, is always welcome. I no longer feel frustrated and am free to just love my husband in the ways that satisfy both of us. And love my Dude in the ways that satisfy both of US. Bliss.