New: looking for advice on parties

rauhajoule

rauhajoule

New member
Hello! I'm pretty new to this whole thing. My partner and I have been together for two years, and we've been theoretically poly since the beginning, and very open with each other about our feelings for other people. But this is the first time he's actually found someone else he wants to see and sleep with.

I'm very excited for him, especially since she's also poly and there's seems to be a lot of understanding on all ends. But I'm also a little nervous, which I think is to be expected.

My question for y'all is more about interacting with your partner's partners. Because I've met her before, peripherally, and I've seen her perform at shows. So I know who she is, even though she and I haven't ever really talked with each other.

But basically there's a party happening this weekend that I was invited to. And I kind of want to go, even though it's largely people my partner knows. Which I think would be fine if I just tagged along with him most of the time, but I don't think that he'd be okay with that since he'll probably be jumping between lots of different people.

But I also know she's going to be there. And I don't know how comfortable I am being in that kind of setting with the both of them, mostly because I have no idea how it will play out. He said she gets very handsy when she drinks.

I have absolutely zero interest in policing my partner, and I don't even want to be at this party for very long. I'm worried about how I'll feel around the two of them, but I also don't want to avoid going just because I'm scared.

Any advice? Should I face my fears? Should I avoid going at all? Is it better to meet the other person beforehand? Or not at all?

I have really good communication with my partner, so I feel like this isn't something I'm concerned about with him. I'm more worried about doing what's best for me.

Thanks for any thoughts you have.
 
Go have a good time.
 
Why are you going to the party? Could you tell him to go and have good time and see him when he gets back?
 
In my experience, mixing intense emotions with alcohol rarely leads to a calm outcome.

If you feel confident that you'll be able to manage your emotional response (whatever it might be) without affecting the party atmosphere, then go for it. If you're worried that you might feel angry, jealous, left out, etc., I'd advise against it. It's admirable to face your fears, though it might prove easier to do so in a different environment. If your partner and the new interest weren't there, would you be invested in going to this particular party?
 
I've been there but I wasn't the more established partner so there wasn't much emotion going on. It was a little uncomfortable because it was more or less spur of the moment so there wasn't much (ok, any) discussion beforehand. It went well. She immediately made me feel comfortable. The meta and I got along well enough though I never really liked him. It also helped that someone he was seeing, and her husband, joined us as well.

So I guess the thing to do is talk a little about it. At least the particulars on if you are going together and leaving together. It also depends on your personality. I'm very introverted, yet I do well at parties because I can either move around or just chill somewhere.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Why are you going to the party? Could you tell him to go and have good time and see him when he gets back?
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mostlymonogamish said:
If your partner and the new interest weren't there, would you be invested in going to this particular party?
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There are two main reasons I want to go to this party:
1. The party is taking place at a house I used to live in. I'm mostly just intensely curious to see what they've done with the place and how it's set up. I'm not sure if I'll get another chance.
2. I get the impression that the person who invited me is really looking forward to me coming. I don't get invited to new events very often, so I feel like if people want me to be there I'm more likely to feel comfortable coming out of my introvert shell. I could be entirely making this up though. They might have invited me because they're good friends with my partner? *shrug*

mostlymonogamish said:
In my experience, mixing intense emotions with alcohol rarely leads to a calm outcome.
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I'm not much of a drinker myself, especially if I'll only be there a short while I doubt I'll have any alcohol.

vinsanity0 said:
I've been there but I wasn't the more established
partner so there wasn't much emotion going on. It was a little uncomfortable because it was more or less spur of the moment so there wasn't much (ok, any) discussion beforehand. It went well. She immediately made me feel comfortable. The meta and I got along well enough though I never really liked him. It also helped that someone he was seeing, and her husband, joined us as well.

So I guess the thing to do is talk a little about it. At least the particulars on if you are going together and leaving together. It also depends on your personality. I'm very introverted, yet I do well at parties because I can either move around or just chill somewhere.
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I guess initially I felt comfortable going because I thought I'd be going with my partner. But in the time between then and now, things have developed more with this other person (meta? is that the right term? this is the first I'm hearing it) and I think he doesn't want to arrive/leave with me. But you make a good point. I guess the best thing to do is talk with him about that aspect and then decide how okay I think I'll be with it.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses!
 
Just because you arrive together doesn't mean you have to leave together! Since you're an introvert and won't know as many people, would your partner be comfortable going with you and sticking with you just for the first little bit while you get some introductions and get comfortable? maybe you could agree to be there "together" for a brief period of time, and then agree to check in with each other, and he can go his own way and then if you're feeling good about it, you can either stay and socialize on your own, or you can leave. And then either way you can still leave when you're ready and he can stay as long as he wants.

If you and a meta are going to be at your first even together where there is a shared partner, it would be best if your partner had a conversation with each of you about what the expectations were for the night so that no one is surprised.
 
breathemusic said:
Just because you arrive together doesn't mean you have to leave together! Since you're an introvert and won't know as many people, would your partner be comfortable going with you and sticking with you just for the first little bit while you get some introductions and get comfortable? maybe you could agree to be there "together" for a brief period of time, and then agree to check in with each other, and he can go his own way and then if you're feeling good about it, you can either stay and socialize on your own, or you can leave. And then either way you can still leave when you're ready and he can stay as long as he wants.
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Thank you! I talked with him last night and this is exactly what we're going to do. :)

breathemusic said:
If you and a meta are going to be at your first even together where there is a shared partner, it would be best if your partner had a conversation with each of you about what the expectations were for the night so that no one is surprised.
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This also sounds like a good idea. He's talked to her about me coming a while ago, and it sounded like she was very excited to meet me (I'm the hesitant one). But you're right, expectations are good to communicate.
 
Hi rauhajoule,

I am thinking that it is probably fine if you go to this party, as long as you have a way to leave early in case you get upset or something. Overall it sounds like it might be a positive experience for you.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
I've always disliked the "couple front" thing being trotted out at social gatherings. Moreso with nonmonogamy. There were situations where me & my partner were relative strangers (weddings & the like) & would stay nearby simply in order to support each other & maybe make an introduction.

But "getting handsy" (or maybe walking around with your friend in an arm-lock) is a way of indicating ownership. Toss nonmonogamy into the mix, & it's often a way of saying "Hey, lookit me!! I'm so radical & transgressive!! Woohoo!!"

I've seen cowgirls/cowboys do this as a way of wedging the dyad apart. She has no right to deal with insecurity at your expense.

I'd suggest that you go as an individual, & that he go as an individual, & leave the cowgirl behind if she can't reliably handle herself as an individual. Touch base throughout the evening
 
Thanks all for your advice! It really helped me sort out what I wanted and how I felt.

I ended up going to the party last night, arriving with my partner. It was a super positive situation and I came away feeling really good about all of it. I think it particularly helped that my meta's boyfriend was also there. He was quite friendly and easy to get along with.

10/10 would do it again, given the chance. :)
 
Believe it or not, some people like being physically intimate with their loved ones, even in a social setting.

Ravenscroft said:
I've always disliked the "couple front" thing being trotted out at social gatherings. Moreso with nonmonogamy. There were situations where me & my partner were relative strangers (weddings & the like) & would stay nearby simply in order to support each other & maybe make an introduction.

But "getting handsy" (or maybe walking around with your friend in an arm-lock) is a way of indicating ownership. Toss nonmonogamy into the mix, & it's often a way of saying "Hey, lookit me!! I'm so radical & transgressive!! Woohoo!!"

I've seen cowgirls/cowboys do this as a way of wedging the dyad apart. She has no right to deal with insecurity at your expense.

I'd suggest that you go as an individual, & that he go as an individual, & leave the cowgirl behind if she can't reliably handle herself as an individual. Touch base throughout the evening
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vanwilder said:
Believe it or not, some people like being physically intimate with their loved ones, even in a social setting.
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Oh, I do totally adore how CUTE the "believe it or not" passive-aggression looks. Welcome to the forums. :rolleyes:

(And who the hell are these damned Some People who need constant concessions? Oh, I get it: more p-a.)

Please reread:
Ravenscroft said:
"getting handsy" (or maybe walking around with your friend in an arm-lock) is a way of indicating ownership.
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There is no NEED whatsoever to show "affection" or "intimacy" in a public setting except
  • as an expression of insecurity, AND/OR
  • as an indication of ownership.
To say otherwise is mere Romantic claptrap, importing the "togetherness" nonsense from Monogamism.
 
So how do you feel about people getting it on in sex clubs? You could argue there's NO NEED for that also.

Sure, there's no need, but different people like different kinds of intimacy.

I'm all for people expressing affection in public, whether it's with friends, lovers, groups, whatever. It's all good by me. I really don't understand what your issue is... is it specifically with people in nonmonogamous relationships who want to be affectionate when other people happen to be around? Or is it with every kind of public affection? Holding hands?
 
Ravenscroft said:
There is no NEED whatsoever to show "affection" or "intimacy" in a public setting except
  • as an expression of insecurity, AND/OR
  • as an indication of ownership.
To say otherwise is mere Romantic claptrap, importing the "togetherness" nonsense from Monogamism.
Click to expand...

I'm truly sorry you feel that way. How depressing one's life must be when something as wonderful and intimate as physical touch with a person you love is perceived as insecurity and possessiveness, simply because those two people happen to be in a public setting. That's just so... Sad.
 
I think public affection really depends on the person and the circumstance...

1. When I've been single, PDA could really get on my nerves, largely because I wanted something that other people had but I didn't. Definitely envy issues there.

2. When I'm just starting a new relationship, I don't like PDA with the person, because I don't know how long it might last and I don't always want to share my personal relationship stories with everyone I know when they ask where so-and-so's been.

3. But even when I'm in a long-term relationship and I feel like point 2 isn't relevant anymore, I generally don't want PDA because of point 1. I don't want to make others feel that way if I don't have to.

4. But sometimes there's something that happens or a conversation is had or a comment is made or a look is shared, and in the moment it just feels like the most right thing in the world to express affection to the person. Waiting until we're someplace private just doesn't cut it. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm insecure in my relationship or proclaiming ownership over the other person. I just love them. And want to remind them.

5. Another way to look at it is if people don't have private places they can go and be together. Maybe both homes are toxic environments and there's not much they can do about it, and the only time they can be together is if they're in a public space. It's not exactly fair that they should not be allowed to be affectionate without somehow being judged for unseen circumstances.

Just thoughts. Everyone has their own truths.

Ah! But it's also important to note, I think there's a difference between PDA in public spaces and PDA in social gatherings.
 
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Ravenscroft said:
Oh, I do totally adore how CUTE the "believe it or not" passive-aggression looks. Welcome to the forums. :rolleyes:

(And who the hell are these damned Some People who need constant concessions? Oh, I get it: more p-a.)

Please reread:

There is no NEED whatsoever to show "affection" or "intimacy" in a public setting except
  • as an expression of insecurity, AND/OR
  • as an indication of ownership.
To say otherwise is mere Romantic claptrap, importing the "togetherness" nonsense from Monogamism.
Click to expand...

Since when are you such a Puritan...lol.

You've really never wanted to show affection toward someone just because you are having a good time and enjoy them being there?

Those some people are most people and they (we) don't see it as concessions.
 
rauhajoule said:
I think public affection really depends on the person and the circumstance...
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I won't "cascade" your entire post... but YES, that's pretty much what I was getting at, particularly your second point.

The first point is relevant as well, though I'm off the mark. It's not so much that I get envious -- though a really cool piece of tech might provoke that ;) -- but rather that the PDA is being put out there in hopes of provoking envy, consciously or unconsciously (sort of your point #3).

Does that have a place? Certainement; I have intentionally done it (with my partner's foreknowledge) at leather events. Elsewise, if my date felt over-ogled (at, say, a poly or Naturist event), she might take my hand or put an arm around my waist. As well, I've had partners use it to extricate me from overly zealous interest.

And surely #4 does happen, that little "zing!" of affection or pride.

But that surgically-joined couplist look? No. Ick. :rolleyes: Insecurity or ownership.
 
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