I'm desperate to know what to do.

J

JustCurious83

New member
There's no way to tell you quickly what the situation is so I'll just make it as brief as I can. Please don't take this as me blaming anyone because I'm not, I have screwed up just as much as they have.

Up until about 2 weeks ago I was part of what was supposed to be a polifi triad, me BF and GF. I know it never was and once I had my fill of the lies I felt it was ok for me to step out too. It wasn't, I know that. Lots of manipulation(BF), lies(all 3 of us), suspicion(me), jealousy(me and maybe them), more lies, more manipulation, parental interference(them), a move 2 states away (me), more cheating (me). Sadly the three of us bring out the worst in each other or at least BF and I do. We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship.

I have seriously hurt them by breaking it off. They don't understand and they are blaming themselves. I have tried over and over to explain. We started out with emotional cheating from the start and it never stopped, it just changed forms from emotional to physical.

He swears he wants to change "for me" which of course I know won't stick. I haven't seen them in person since the split and I agreed to drive in for one night this weekend to talk and now I'm reconsidering. There is every indication that his only agenda is to reconcile and it doesn't matter how many times I tell him that it isn't going to happen, he won't let it go.

A very good friend of mine is a shaman and he has asked me some soul searching questions that have me rethinking driving in.

Any suggestions? I'm completely at a loss, I don't know what to do. We've agreed we're going to stay friends and I am still their daughters god mother.
 
Hi JustCurious83,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like it was for the best. I wouldn't consider getting back together until all three of you were getting therapy, and maybe not even then. It just sounds too toxic.

I hope you are able to get some healing.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
JustCurious83 said:
Any suggestions? I'm completely at a loss, I don't know what to do. We've agreed we're going to stay friends and I am still their daughters god mother.
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What was it about the relationship that wasn't working?
Most likely culprit... the expectation of being in a romantic relationship, which seems to be translated (for you guys) into expectations of some kind of sexual-emotional exclusivity, probably expectations of how each of you was spending your time, as well as your energy.

So, remove the thing(s) that wasn't working and keep what was working.

JustCurious83 said:
A very good friend of mine is a shaman
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Is that sarcasm or do you know someone who has the title of "shaman"?
 
You know it's impossible. Cancel. You don't owe them any more discussion. Closure is an inside job. There is nothing you can say that will suddenly allow them to see what you see. (Maybe they will get there but that is not something you can help them with.)

Right now you cannot be friends with them. I highly recommend the 40 days no contact. You do not call, text, visit, social media interact, etc. with them for 40 days. (Obviously this does not work if coparenting, other care giving, or a shared business.) 40 days is long enough for you to get some distance and perhaps begin to heal. That goes for them too. It's not so long that you cannot reconnect with them if you want to.

Oh, I know a few shamans too. They do tend to ask the hard questions!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship.
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"Toxic" to me is pretty serious.

I suggest you stop talking entirely. Do not engage any more. Block phone, email, facebook, etc.

I have seriously hurt them by breaking it off. They don't understand and they are blaming themselves.
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Their emotional management is their stuff to process/solve. They can process with friends, family, arrange for a counselor, etc. You do not have to be involved in their healing time.

You don't have to assist with it, esp since being around these people is toxic for you and doesn't bring out your best self.

I have tried over and over to explain.
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Stop engaging with them. If you try over and over and it still doesn't penetrate? Accept that it won't go in and stop trying. Bow out.

Do not participate in merry-go-round circle conversations that go nowhere and maybe exhaust you.

I agreed to drive in for one night this weekend to talk and now I'm reconsidering.
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You are allowed to change your mind. Call and cancel. STOP engaging.

There really isn't anything to talk about.

You decided you are done, you bowed out. Stay gone.

You do not have to JADE. You do not have to
(J)ustify
(A)rgue
(D)efend
(E)xplain

your choices to toxic people.

And even if you wanted to try? Past experience tells it is likely to just go around in circles like before. You keep explaining over and over. They keep not getting it. So... why waste your time/energy doing NEW fruitless activities?

Don't bother talking any more.

Any suggestions?
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Recognize that all of you are going to go through stages of grief after a break up.

He swears he wants to change "for me"
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This is him bargaining, so the break up doesn't stay broken up. You do not have to help him with his grief process.

We've agreed we're going to stay friends and I am still their daughters god mother.
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This is you trying to "soften the blow." You DO have to work on YOUR grief process.

I suggest you take a step back. Look at this sentence.

"I had to get away from toxic people so I broke up with them. But I'm still gonna be their friend and godmother to their kid."​

This does not compute because it keeps you engaging with the toxic people. If you are tying to heal from being around toxic people, how does going to hang out with them some more help you in your healing process? It does not. STAY GONE.

Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU and it is ok to tell someone "No. Circumstances have changed significantly. I will not be meeting the previous agreement to (date you/be your friend/godparent your kid/come visit)."

Just say no, and keep to no contact so you can do your healing in peace.

Galagirl
 
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I think you all would benefit from no contact for a while.

It is amazing the clarity you get when you take a break from toxic relationships.
 
Marcus said:
What was it about the relationship that wasn't working?
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Basically everything. Sex was working when I was there, which because of work I wasn't there often. We live 2.5 hours apart.

Marcus said:
Is that sarcasm or do you know someone who has the title of "shaman"?
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Um, no there was no sarcasm in that statement. Shamanism is very much still a thing.
 
GG, she didn't say her exes were "toxic." That's harsh. They ALL chose a relationship shape that didn't work for any of them. Full stop.

vinsanity0 said:
Why would three people who cannot be fidelitous attempt a polyfi relationship?
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Out of fear, jealousy, or ignorance about what poly is "supposed" to look like?

I don't recommend calling to cancel this uncomfortable date. I recommend texting, telling them you are going no contact for (at least) 40 days, then blocking them so they can't blow up your phone.

Resist the urge to stalk their FB or twitter or whatever media they are on.

Spend time considering why you chose a r'ship shape that didn't fit, thereby causing you to lie and cheat. Why not, going forward, choose an Open model of relating? Open is not less "honorable" than closed poly-fi. Different models work for different folks. It's all good (except the lying and cheating, which dishonors you).
 
GG, she didn't say her exes were "toxic."
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I might be wrong but "We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship" to me sounds like they are all toxic for each other. It's not a good sounding situation to me. :(

JustCurious83 said:
Rockit49 said:
Take a longer break from each other.
Call and cancel.
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This is where my heart is.
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JustCurious83, if that is where your heart is? You want to take a longer break from them and you want to call and cancel?

It's ok for you to do that. Go with your heart.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I might be wrong but "We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship" to me sounds like they are all toxic for each other. It's not a good sounding situation to me.
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I have screwed up just as much as they have... We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship.
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Saying the relationship is toxic is different than calling her (ex?) partners "toxic people," as you did in your prior post, repeatedly. I know you were using shorthand, but that is casting blame and making Curious a victim, instead of recognizing they were all doing unhealthy things (lying and revenge cheating on Curious' part). You paraphrased her incorrectly.
 
Fair enough. I can see that in my shorthand I didn't acknowledge that all of them were doing behaviors that weren't so hot.

Galagirl
 
Sorry

[QUOTE=We're toxic for each other in that type of relationship"

The reason to me that you are both so "in your words in Toxic", compares to myself and my father. We are both so alike that when stress comes from inside the we usual attack (verbally) each other, never physical, but when stress for from outside the relationship we band together and fight for each other.

Sometimes people are hardheaded and since you all have been friend for so long prior to the Poly relationship. Maybe you all need to talk with a councilor about this. The worst part about these type of relationships there are not How To Guides to answer the tough question.

I my opinion, a break for each other is necessary to allow the dating emotions to calm down, in the mean time if you all truly want to remain friends then you need to build that side but to where you prior to becoming involve. Then tale baby steps if you all want to try the relationship again.
 
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JustCurious83 said:
There's no way to tell you quickly what the situation is
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Some thoughts --
  • the old relationship is dead; there is no "going back"
  • it's questionable whether the relationship you remember was actually ever there, or whether it was starry-eyed NRE hallucinations about Death Do Us Part marriage+1
  • it's good that you are wiling to "step up to the plate" & accept your role... but I feel you're going overboard, taking on most of the blame as though you're some sort of supervillain (or your "partners" are inept subhumans who need your constant Parenting)
  • repeatedly, you indicate that part of you wants to "go back" primarily because you feel guilty, NOT because you miss them -- that's not emotionally healthy thinking
  • I say again: there is NO "going back" to an imaginary castle: the three of you conspired to make it work by (each in your own way) ignoring what was staring you in the face & pretending it was all working just peachy because you were all on the same page about the fantasy
  • it's likely that any subsequent relationship that involves two or more of you will tend to drag along those failed assumptions, which will then begin to poison new territory -- like a binary nerve agent -- so I don't see it as particularly incorrect to consider the players to some degree "toxic," at least when used simultaneously
  • with that in mind, "getting together" is NOT a particularly good idea, ESPECIALLY right now when YOU (personally) are vulnerable to being guilt-tripped into pretending nothing happened & it's all just in your head -- you KNOW it's not a healthy emotional space for you
 
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