Poly+Affair= confused & conflicted

Cholita

Cholita

New member
Hello everyone,

Im seeking advice on a very confusing situation. Sorry if this is a lot to read. And thanks in advance if you have the time to respond.

So my husband and I have been married 7 years and we became poly just one year ago. Since then we have both dated and had serious relationships with other people.

Luckily my husband met an open minded girl who is OK with polyamory and their relationship seems to be going well.

A couple of months ago I met somebody who I really really really like.
We hang out at the same venues and are part of the same music scene so we have been friends for quite a while.
I haven't had chemistry like this with anybody for a really long time. We hooked up and it was pure passion. We just rolled with it, got lost in the moment and left the discussion until afterwards.

After sleeping together, he asked me if it was safe to be together at my place. He was worried that my husband would come home and catch us in the act, and then I had to explain the open relationship thing to him (that it was all consensual). He seemed surprised. But able to get his head around it. He agreed that what me and my husband do makes a lot of sense. But he laughed when I told him how I am able to negotiate things with my husband such as being able to bring other people home when my husbands sleeps at his girlfriends house etc... (all the things that mono people would find hard to understand).

Then he went on to tell me that he has a wife and that he is cheating on her.
I was so disappointed to hear that as I had been chasing him for months and the sexual tension as well as the friendship between us had grown so strong and i was so happy that we had finally hooked up. Then I had to find out that it was all illegitimate.
He told me that what me and my husband do sounds great but that his relationship with his wife was not like that and that we would have to be discreet if we wanted to keep seeing each other.

I am definitely not comfortable with participating in something that involves deceiving another person (even if its someone I don't know). This doesn't sit well with me at all. I feel like this situation is really disrespectful to both her and to me. I mean, I shouldn't have to feel awkward when I am meeting his friends because I have to pretend we are just friends and worry about people who know his wife being around us all the time. I want to be more than his dirty little secret and I feel like i am more.
I like him so much that I'm trying to just take a moral relativity stance on this and not push my values on to him.....

From our conversations and my observations it sounds like she likes to party a fair bit and that they are quite socially independent. I have seen her out at a couple of parties and she dresses and dances like somebody who wants to have fun.....but according to him she would probably never accept an open relationship. So, perhaps they are the type of people who simply prefer to burry their heads in the sand and they both probably cheat on each other and have a kind of a 'don't ask don't tell policy'. I might not agree with it, but maybe thats their business and its up to them how they manage it.

I asked him if he thinks she cheats on him too, and he said he prefers not to think about it, and he seems to get uncomfortable when I ask to many confronting questions like that. So i think there might be something wrong.

So I convinced myself that it might be OK if we just kept things at the casual sex / friends with benefits level and don't develop any feelings. But after a couple of months we seem to be developing a deeper connection. He seems like he genuinely cares about me. Always asks me about whats going on in my life, pampers me with affection, finds time to see me. When he kisses me he looks deep into my eyes and caresses my hair and face and I just forget everything im worrying about.

He just told me that he is going away for a few weeks and before he goes he wants to spend a couple of days road trip with me. I feel afraid of getting too close to him but i also feel like i cant really stop it from happening because of how attracted we are to each other.

I feel like he is not cheating on her because he's a bad person but because he really likes me. Maybe he's not ready to talk about where this is all going because he just doesn't know what to do either. Maybe he cant open his relationship now because its much harder once you start cheating.

like him so much and wish he could be a normal boyfriend but worried it will all end in broken hearts.
 
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I am sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

I think you call it right already. And you are trying to come to terms with disappointment. It's a bummer, but there's nothing confusing about it.

I am definitely not comfortable with participating in something that involves deceiving another person (even if its someone I don't know). This doesn't sit well with me at all. I feel like this situation is really disrespectful to both her and to me. I mean, I shouldn't have to feel awkward when I am meeting his friends because I have to pretend we are just friends and worry about people who know his wife being around us all the time. I want to be more than his dirty little secret and I feel like i am more.
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Yup. Totally right. You deserve to be treated with respect.

I suggest you rethink calling him a "friend" because friends do not behave this way. It's not "friendly" behavior on his part at all to have left out that he is married and sharing sex with you at this time would be cheating on their agreements.

I like him so much that I'm trying to just take a moral relativity stance on this and not push my values on to him.....
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You stating where YOU stand is not pushing your values on him like he has to practice them too. Your values are for YOU to practice. So how are you practicing them right now? Because the rest of it reads like you trying to talk yourself into ignoring your values so you can keep going with him rather than say something like

"No thanks, Dude. I don't want to help you keep cheating on your wife. I'm bowing out. You behaving this way is not showing respect toward her or to me."​

If you don't want to take up with him and be his dirty secret? Don't. Respect your values, exercise self control, and don't go there.

So, perhaps they are the type of people who simply prefer to burry their heads in the sand and they both probably cheat on each other and have a kind of a 'don't ask don't tell policy'. I might not agree with it, but maybe thats their business and its up to them how they manage it.
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That is you guessing what their values are.

Stop focusing on them and attend to your own values and your own business: You don't want to be with a cheater. You want to be treated with respect. So don't go there again. Respect starts with you.


First time he left things out and you decided to skip asking first. You can call that an honest mistake on your side of the coin. Not so much on his.

Now that you DO know stuff, if you choose to go there again? That cannot be written off like " I made an honest mistake." That's you choosing to go there DESPITE knowing stuff. Going against your values. Not a healthy or self respecting choice. I suggest you not do that.

If you are worried about him breaking your heart, end it now and start protecting you heart. What more info do you need? He's ok cheating on his wife, he does not discuss relevant things before jumping into bed with people.

I feel afraid of getting too close to him but i also feel like i cant really stop it from happening because of how attracted we are to each other.
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You are right to think getting too close to him would hurt your heart. Heed it.

The rest? That sounds like like you are planning to ignore your values and go there anyway and don't want to own making that choice. Like you want to make it be "destiny's fault" or something. If go there, call it what it is. You are going to ignore your values and take up with a cheating affair. Don't start lying to yourself about it.

And you can stop it. You choose your behavior. Feelings ensue after behavior.

  • You spent a lot of time together and recently shared sex. Crushing on him feelings ensued.
  • Change your behavior to stay away from him (even with regrets), and the detachment process will start. In time your feelings will fade in intensity. The new feelings will ensue.

YOU are in charge of you. You are not your thoughts or feelings. You are the person doing the thinking and experiencing some feelings. Take charge of yourself.

You jumped the gun on your side, and are now finding that you feel yucky after doing that behavior. Call it lesson learned, change your practices to talk BEFORE sex, and avoid this in future.

I feel like he is not cheating on her because he's a bad person but because he really likes me.
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He's still cheating. You are worth dating on the up and up, and not all shady. If he likes you so much he could date you CLEAN and not all messy.

Be careful he's telling you pretty things just to get into your pants again.

Galagirl
 
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I think your intuition is right: this will probably end in broken hearts and recriminations. I also think you call it right when you say it's disrespectful to both you and his wife. Think about it this way - you and your husband did the hard work of cementing your relationship, talking about the importance of openness, the values you share, integrity, trust, honesty, all of that - you've done that hard work so you don't *have* to sneak around in the shadows. And yet here you are, throwing that awesome ability away because of a poor partner choice. You deserve better, and so does every other person (like your husband) that will get dragged into the saga of keeping this secret for him.

I get that you already have strong feelings for him, but no matter his other good qualities, he's showing you he doesn't have those same values of honesty and trust every day. And the more you fall for him the worse it's going to be. There's no future scope for you guys to develop. Unless he comes clean, possibly divorces his wife, there's no room for you to be anything other than his secret mistress on the side. If he were being open and she had joyfully consented to poly, then you guys would be able to think about a future together. Right now, I can't see it. And if he does leave his wife? Is he going to be content not having a primary partner in his life? Is he actually wanting to be part of a polyamorous setup or does he just want some sexy fun times with someone to liven up a marriage that's grown dull? That doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you. He may be being entirely genuine and honest with you. But is that enough? Given his dishonesty with his wife, and/or the poor decision making on his part that has lead him here, can you trust him?

I think you need to consider your long term happiness here. There are many men genuinely available for dating, who can proudly introduce you to their friends as their girlfriend, who also value openness, who don't have a ticking time-bomb in their life waiting to go off. Someone who can actually be there when you get sick, someone who can be there at a moments notice to comfort you when you've had a shitty day, someone who can juggle his life's responsibilities fairly and invest in your future. Rather than sink more emotional energy into this unstable arrangements you could cut your losses now, heal from the disappointment, and move on to find someone without this baggage. You could make that choice.
 
You're falling for the hook. Many people have participated in what they know is wrong by buying into the "really they are a good person; its just that I'm so awesome they can't help themselves".
And then the second hook being that the cheater's partner somehow deserves it. She dresses like she probably cheats too?????
 
GalaGirl giving some great advice. I'd rather not be involved in a deception relationship either.

+1
 
Hi Cholita,

I have to agree with the others that the route that makes the most sense is for you to break up with this guy. One of the reasons being, that sooner or later his wife is almost bound to discover his secret, and then the poop will hit the fan. At best, you'll have to sneak around to keep up your relationship with this guy for the rest of your life.

It's nice to think that maybe he and his wife have a DADT agreement, but you do not have confirmation on that point, you are just assuming, or hoping. At least ask him straight up if that's what's going on here. And gee, can you trust him to answer you honestly? I don't know.

Sounds like a dicey arrangement to me, and I would suggest developing an exit strategy as soon as you can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And add me to the list of people who are inviting you to rethink the relationship.

Clearly you have a sense of ethics, and you are compromising that code. There are essentially one of three roads ahead of you: Either reflect on this circumstance and, if appropriate and genuine, change your ethical code in order to accommodate the current situation. People do change and new situations and experiences can bring different ways of looking at things which may cause you to reevaluate your previous positions.

Or acknowledge what you are doing is wrong and keep on doing it anyway, with or without a bogus justification which resembles the point above. If you take this road, be honest about it- the gratification you get from his company outweighs the gratification you get from maintaining your ethical code in the face of this kind of challenge.

Or reassert your ethical code to yourself (and so necessarily to your partner).

So, pick an option and go to it. Keep in mind that you are making your choice for yourself. If you chose option three, you are not telling him how to live his life or conduct his marriage, you are simply telling him how you are conducting your life. He can make of it what he will. You are not being a moral imperialist by telling him what to think, do, or believe.

One of the things about being in a poly relationship is that there are a lot more options in our relationships than mono folk regarding meeting people and allowing friendships to flourish. Sure, you click with him and will be sorry to see him go- but that just opens up your opportunities to meet a new person and have a new adventure with them.

And look, quite honestly, he is an Australian male. You know its only a matter of time before he starts drinking VB, going to Aussie Rules matches, and thinking that Tony Abbott might have had some good ideas. And its all downhill from there...

/Adam
 
Hi All, thanks for the very wise words above.
Although i did not follow your advice i did ponder deeply over it for quite some time, and now one year and 8 months on i am back to update on n how this is panning out, in the name of learning ang growing from it i hope.
So i chose to leave practicing my values aside in favour of enjoying the good times with him. Because it was damm good. Never shared an emotional and sexual connection like that with anyone in my life... But in large part i think it may have been a bit of a coping strategy because my own marriage was lacking in many of the things that i needed from a partner (participation, enthusiasm, decision making). Hubby and i were not happy but we struggled to come to terms with it and chose to see other people instead of working on ours (mostly his choice not to open up about our problems or talk) Now after 9 years together we have separated. It was very painful. But in hind sight i dont known how long we could have lasted had we not made the decision to open up as we have some very big differences in personality.

My husband went along with my affair, and i just saw the cheaterguy when hubby was with his girlfriend. We got into a routine which made it easy to keep going.

Quite a few times i tried to speak to cheater about what was going on with his marriage and how the future would look. He always avoided talking about it. I saw some serious denial and oppression of emotions there and i knew it was bad news. But i dont think ive ever smiled or laughed so much with someone. It certainly was the most confusing situation ever in my life being so high on love and not practicing my own values. It meant dealing with considerable cognitive dissonance.

After hubby and i split i found myself wanting even more a real relationship, with a real future, not to be somebodys mistress on the side. I was even leaning towards wanting to go back to the simplicity of a monogamous one. I was exhausted and tired from the drama and complications. Which i know is my own fault.

I tried to stop seeing mr cheater. But we are in deep. We agreed that breaking up was for the best but we both experienced separation anxiety and struggled to stay away from each other. I pretty much gave him the ultimatum and asked him if he could ever leave her and he said his marriage was not perfect but he really loves his wife and cannot leave her. He said he would be willing to give polyamory a shot. I said it can't be done after having an affair. I told him to do some homework for both of us and have him reading More than 2.
I think there is some things in that book that he will derive value from even after knowing that what he is suggesting is way too complicated.

I am pretty much going through 2 breakups one 9 year marriage and one almost 2 year affair. My life is messy and im in so much pain because of my stupid choices.
 
I'm sorry you are in pain from two break ups. :(

I hope in time you find healing and inner peace.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Hi Cholita, thanks for updating us. I'm sorry to hear about your breakups. Hopefully there are better relationships awaiting you on the horizon. Hang in there.
 
Wow

Great job updating.. Really awesome. Get some help and keep us posted. I'd be even better if you shared updates till you come to peace.. Seriously... That would be a great process... Thanks
 
Cholita,

That sounds really painful and terrible. I've gone through a breakup of a two-year relationship which was bad enough on its own. I can barely even imagine the pain of breaking up a nine-year marriage.

I hope that you learn from this experience and that it informs your future actions. And enjoy the emotional roller-coaster if you can and want to . . . one day maybe your emotional life will be boring again and you'll miss the excitement. Obviously this is a horrendous sort of excitement, but maybe you can still find some silver linings.
 
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