How to know if poly is for you, in the midst of the difficulties

J

justfor

New member
Hello all, I'm new to the forum, and am appreciative of the space to gain insight and support. Hopefully I'll be able to give back as well!

As is not uncommon, my partner and I opened our relationship 6 months ago after ten years of mono. We read the books (at least started them ;), listened to podcasts, joined a poly meetup, and started therapy with a poly-friendly therapist.

It's been an up and down affair, but now that we're six months in and she's getting more attached emotionally to her boyfriend, I'm really struggling with anxiety, anger and jealously. For context, I have a few people I'm talking to, but no one that is as constant and connected as she has.

I've been working really hard at taking personal responsibility (self-care, mindfulness, running), but I'm going on 3-4 weeks of pretty constant high anxiety regarding her attachment, and I'm feeling pretty discouraged that I can keep going. I want to have lots of compersion and be happy for her, but as hard as I try, it just doesn't seem to be coming. :/

I have a few questions:
1) Is this typical? to feel such strong, constant difficult emotions?
2) Does it get better with time?
3) The biggest question: how do I know if I'm "cut out" for poly or not? This last one plagues me, because I really want to give this a solid go, but it's been so tough I'm not sure I can do it.

Thanks in advance for any insight!
 
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You seem to be struggling with some Poly Hell things.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Along with some jealousy -- you fear something you have will be taken away.

Or some envy -- someone else has something you want for yourself.

1) Is this typical? to feel such strong, constant difficult emotions?
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I don't think it is unusual for people to struggle with emotions during times of change. The "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" isn't really here yet. People sometimes use words like "emotional roller coaster" or "all up in the air" to describe the experience.

Perhaps a visual aid helps. This is by no means definitive or anything. It's just a rough guide. Some people hit places like graphed, or get there sooner or get there later.

You state you are about 6 mos in. On the chart? That's a low point and a crossroads place. Perhaps you find yourself in that cross roads kind of place.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

2) Does it get better with time?
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Things usually do. Because you make a decision about the crossroads place.

You decide that

1) It's been worthwhile enough so far to keep on investing and keep on with it. Like "joyous yes!" And you guys continue to poly together.

2) It has NOT been worth while. You no longer want to keep investing. You guys break up. But maybe you poly again in future with other people -- because the issues mostly stemmed from "this particular group of people" not getting along so hot.

2) It has NOT been worth while. You no longer want to keep investing. Like "Hell no! Not doing more of that ever. Will never poly again." The issues stemmed from trying to round peg/square hole. You simple prefer monogamous relating or some other model. But NOT a poly model.

There might be shades in between or combinations... but those are the top 3 situations I can see.

3) The biggest question: how do I know if I'm "cut out" for poly or not? This last one plagues me, because I really want to give this a solid go, but it's been so tough I'm not sure I can do it.
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I think those are questions only you can answer for yourself.

At this time, you do not sound both WILLING and ABLE.

The willingness? You are willing to try poly.

The ability to DO poly? Not quite able to do it as you hope to. Whether that is a question of growing some skills or if it is a question of bumping up on a personal limitation... that is for you to discern.

How do I make my choices? Well, in many ways. But one of the simplest ways is "joyous yes." Anything less than "joyous yes" is a "working no."

"Hell no" is a working no.
"Not sure even after X months" is a working no.
"I could take it or leave it" is a working no.
"Yes, but only if...." is a working no.
----------------------------------------
"Hell, yes! Glad to! Enthusiastically!" is the only yes.

That's a pretty strict standard with only 1 possible yes, but that helps the job of discernment a lot easier. If that's the only one that is acceptable, then you know if something makes the cut or not.

If your personal standard lies elsewhere, move the line. Maybe yours looks like this....

"Hell no" is a working no.
"Not sure" even after X months is a working no.
----------------------------------------

"I could take it or leave it" is a working yes
"Yes, but only if...." is a working yes
"Hell, yes! Glad to! Enthusiastically!" is a working yes.


So I would suggest some soul searching. Figure out where you personal standard line is drawn.

Then assess if this situation makes the cut for "worthwhile enough for me to be willing to keep on with it" or "I've given this enough of a fair shake. It's not my cup of tea."

Again... only you can make that decision.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, thanks SO MUCH for the thoughtful response. I'm comforted just reading through what you wrote, and will be taking more time to really digest it and then reply more fully.

Appreciated!!!
 
justfor said:
GalaGirl, thanks SO MUCH for the thoughtful response. I'm comforted just reading through what you wrote, and will be taking more time to really digest it and then reply more fully.

Appreciated!!!
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I don't think anyone can add much to what she said. I think the soul searching part is probably the most important. Too often people have a goal and try to plow through to the end. Then they get frustrated when it isn't all automatically resolved. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Also, be prepared to say it's okay if there is something you can't get past.
 
Hi justfor,

This relationship your partner has with her boyfriend. What are the positives, and what are the negatives? Especially, what are the positives for you, and what are the negatives for you? and what are the prospects going forward? What are the good things that could happen to you, and what are the bad things that could happen to you? Do you stand to lose something/s in the future? What scares you the most? What's the worst that could happen? If it does happen, how will you get through it?

Sorry, I know that's a lot of questions; the idea is to help you analyze the situation, and if you care to share your answers, it may help me know what to advise. It may help you determine whether poly is for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the thoughtful replies, in reflecting on them I'm now wondering how to do this soul-searching. Part of the problem is I've done a lot of that soul-searching in the past with my current partner, but that doesn't really work for the situation. I think I might run it past a poly friend, but I am very open to suggestions on how to do the soul-searching!
 
Kevin T,

I didn't see your post in time to include it in my last post - I think you've helped me to figure out how to do some of the soul searching. I'll use your questions as a guide. Thanks!

Feeling very very appreciative of the support you all are freely offering. It's been a bit lonely, and this is exactly what I need!
 
Glad to hear we're helping. :)

My perspective is that soul-searching is all about asking yourself the right questions. For example, what do you want to gain and accomplish in life? and, is poly helping you to do that? How so? or, how is it hindering you?

Plus like you said, you can use the other questions I posited. And you can posit additional questions of your own. Good luck and hang in there!
 
justfor said:
I've been working really hard at taking personal responsibility (self-care, mindfulness, running), but I'm going on 3-4 weeks of pretty constant high anxiety regarding her attachment, and I'm feeling pretty discouraged that I can keep going. I want to have lots of compersion and be happy for her, but as hard as I try, it just doesn't seem to be coming. :/

I have a few questions:
1) Is this typical? to feel such strong, constant difficult emotions?
2) Does it get better with time?
3) The biggest question: how do I know if I'm "cut out" for poly or not? This last one plagues me, because I really want to give this a solid go, but it's been so tough I'm not sure I can do it.
Click to expand...

Yes, it is often this difficult, especially for people who are in an existing relationship that is opening up. There does seem to be a particular difficulty for men with women partners who (often but not always) find a partner relatively quickly.

Look, compersion is not required. To 'do poly', you do not need to feel compersion. If someone tells you that, ignore them. They are just wrong. I rarely feel compersion. Is it helpful to get to the point of feeling compersion? Yeah, sometimes. But not necessary. It is possible to cultivate compersion as a means of becoming more 'ok' with poly but, again, that is one path among many. I tend to feel that compersion may come with time but it's not worth trying really hard to feel it. Like a cat, feelings will not come when one demands their presence. But, eventually, you may get a place where suddenly, bam! compersion. Or you may not ever. And both are totally ok.

Poly is an invitation to look at your darkest, most disturbing parts of your mind and soul. Poly is inherently destabilizing (in my opinion). People do their emotional and mental work and can come to a new stability. But I do not believe it is possible to try poly and remain the same. It will change you. It will change your wife. And it will dramatically change your relationship. Now that doesn't mean you will remain poly. You may discover that poly isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. But you will not remain the same person. Poly creates a 'before' and an 'after'.

You cannot know where you will end up. And you cannot know how long figuring this out will take. If you can let go of expectations around where you will end up and how long it 'should' take, you might be able to let go of some of the stress and emotional weight you are carrying. I do realize this is not easy! I struggle with letting go of expectations myself. And I really hate not knowing the outcome of something. But I've found it to be essential to realize I can't know things all the time and to do what I can to stop expecting that.

I've found it to be more cyclical personally. Like any relationship, there are hard times when experimenting with poly and there are easier, more relaxed times. There are highs and joys, and lows and struggles. And the work on the self doesn't stop (or at least, it shouldn't, in my opinion.) In terms of personal growth, no, you don't ever really reach a place of 'Done! I am now totally ok with poly forever and ever! I have grown all I need to and now I am done!' Life is not like that. (It's not like that for people in mono relationships either but because of the support for mono relationships, the difficulties of growing in a changing relationship can be masked, hidden or ignored.)

So all this sounds crappy, doesn't it? Yes, it can be. And it may not be worth it for you. Here is what I find valuable about experimenting, or 'being' poly. It is the opportunity rarely given in Western society to truly create a life and relationships as you wish. It is the opportunity to work on becoming who you truly are, to be as fully authentic and real as you can. That is risky. You may learn things you wish you did not know about yourself, about your wife, about love and relationships in general. But I personally have always found knowing better than 'not knowing', than remaining ignorant or unaware. Being unaware has always caused me more pain than knowing even very hard things. (This is not true for everyone. Once you know, you cannot unknow. And some people find that worse. But I don't. I'd always rather know.)

Best of luck.
 
Basically what Kevin said.

I'm really struggling with anxiety, anger and jealously.
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Ask yourself what is making you anxious. Why? Dig deep, that's why it's called soul searching.

Then do the same thing for the anger, then the jealousy. Just be honest with yourself.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for feeling these things. Use them as tools to figure out what you can change and what you can't.

Feeling compersion and happiness isn't something you should force yourself to do. That is something you feel if you are okay with everything. If you force it, it's just a mask.
 
opalescent said:
Poly is an invitation to look at your darkest, most disturbing parts of your mind and soul. Poly is inherently destabilizing (in my opinion). People do their emotional and mental work and can come to a new stability. But I do not believe it is possible to try poly and remain the same. It will change you. It will change your wife. And it will dramatically change your relationship. Now that doesn't mean you will remain poly. You may discover that poly isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. But you will not remain the same person. Poly creates a 'before' and an 'after'.
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So mich this.

Change is inevitable, it's happening and it my mind it's good.
What my husband and I do is just make sure we both keep wanting to move in the same direction.
I'm feeling the pain of this change right now, but am trying to use them as an opportunity to learn and see them as growing pains. Necessary to get us where we are wanting to go.
 
Heya, justfor. By all means, please hang out here so long as you desire.

Okay, so I'm an OCD/ADD kinda guy :eek:. Timeline is VERY important to me. By "six months ago," do you mean your s/o said "hey, honey, we should have an open relationship -- oh, & this is my boyfriend"?

It's quite possible that, should your feelings mellow out (they probably will) & you begin maybe hanging out regularly with someone, your s/o will go into a jealous panic. IME, the "first out" unconsciously expects their s/o will remain a backup plan. That sort of inherent Monogamism is not uncommon.
 
justfor said:
I have a few questions:
1) Is this typical? to feel such strong, constant difficult emotions?
2) Does it get better with time?
3) The biggest question: how do I know if I'm "cut out" for poly or not? This last one plagues me, because I really want to give this a solid go, but it's been so tough I'm not sure I can do it.

Thanks in advance for any insight!
Click to expand...

Okay, I don't feel super confident answering this but I'll give it a stab. This
is my personal perspective. Your mileage may vary depending on your personal situations.

1) Having strong feelings is normal. Having them constantly maybe not, but they may persist for a long time.

2) Maybe so, maybe not, but if it doesn't then it's time to choose a new path.

3) Lots of people are not specifically cut out for poly or not. It is a choice that has benefits and disadvantages which you must weight with the benefits and disadvantages of being mono. Some soul-searching may help you make the decision to try it, but you can't really know what it will be like until you actually do try it; there's no substitute for experience. And for better or worse, the experience will change you.
 
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