Advice on Handling Ex's Other Partners (CW: Abuse)

8

896vr7

New member
CW: Abuse

I was with my partner (L) for about two years, until a couple of weeks ago I made a mistake that caused them to break it off with me, completely, immediately. Most people aware of the situation expressed that L was being unreasonable -- even as I continued to make excuses for why their response made sense and how I had messed up and deserved the reaction.
Now, as time has passed and I've had time to think things through and talk with more people, I've finally realized that L had been emotionally abusive to me for pretty much our entire relationship.
They have two other partners (both more recent than me) (O and S), one of whom also has a partner (T). O, T, L, and I used to be friends, but O and T have only heard what happened from L and are mad at me because of it. (S doesn't want to get involved, but also only heard the story from L and is clearly on L's side because of their partnership)
None of O S or T have any idea that L had been abusive to me; honestly, I don't think L has any idea that they'd been abusive to me.
I am 99% certain that L has not exhibited any abusive behaviors to their other partners -- really, truly, only me.
But... I feel like the others should know. In general as a morality thing... but also, especially, as I am hurting that I lost friends to this and am being viewed as an awful person when in truth I am a victim here.
So... what do I do? Do I talk to their other partners? What do I say? How? When? Do they in fact really need to know? How do I handle this? Help!?
 
I understand your need for vindication. It sucks that there are people out there that don't know the whole story. Still, I would let it go for now. If they were really your friends they would have come to you for your side of the story. Instead, they stuck together as a tribe.

Maybe in the future, once things have settled, you will get your opportunity. Right now it's only going to cause drama.
 
It's unfortunate but sometimes the better part of valor is to walk away.

I was in an unfortunate situation (too complicated to describe) where I had little recourse and couldn't respond. But the people who were my friends did come talk to me because what was being said "didn't sound like something I would do." So they heard my side.

The people who accepted it and didn't come find me? There was nothing I could do but acknowledge that these people weren't really my friends. While it may be painful, there's value in finding out who your friends truly are.
 
Hi 896vr7,

We strongly suggest in our Guidelines that you choose nicknames for your partners and their partners. It makes reading much less confusing.

I will use names in your quoted post. Of course you can use whatever names you want. You're also trying to be gender neutral and are using "they" for Lenny as well as for the plural for Lenny's other partners, which makes it even more confusing.

896vr7 said:
I was with my partner (Lenny) for about two years, until a couple of weeks ago I made a mistake that caused them to break it off with me, completely, immediately. Most people aware of the situation expressed that Lenny was being unreasonable -- even as I continued to make excuses for why Lenny's response made sense and how I had messed up and deserved the reaction.

Now, as time has passed, and I've had time to think things through and talk with more people, I've finally realized that Lenny had been emotionally abusive to me for pretty much our entire relationship.

Lenny has two other partners (both more recent than me), Olive and Sam, one of whom also has a partner (Terry). Olive, Terry, Lenny, and I used to be friends, but Olive and Terry have only heard what happened from Lenny, and are mad at me because of it. (Sam doesn't want to get involved, but also only heard the story from Lenny and is clearly on Lenny's side because of their partnership.)

Olive, Sam and Terry have no idea that Lenny had been abusive to me; honestly, I don't think Lenny has any idea that Lenny had been abusive to me.

I am 99% certain that Lenny has not exhibited any abusive behaviors to their other partners -- really, truly, only me.

But... I feel like the others should know. In general as a morality thing... but also, especially, as I am hurting that I lost friends to this, and am being viewed as an awful person, when in truth I am a victim here.

So... what do I do? Do I talk to Lenny's other partners? What do I say? How? When? Do they in fact really need to know? How do I handle this? Help!
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You say you're friends with Olive and Terry. If I was being abused by a partner, and I had very good friends, I'd darn well tell them I was being abused. But if you're not that close with them, they might not believe you, since they are lovers with Lenny. In which case, you might need to break ties and let the friendships go. I don't see any way around that, at least for now.

It never works to tell new partners that the person they are in NRE with was an abusive bastard to you. They are infatuated and full of sex hormones and won't believe you. However, they may well be next in line for abuse.

It sounds like you were the Old Partner, and they were the New and Shinys, and being idealised by Lenny, and treated well. Now with you out of the picture, one or both (or is it three?) of them might soon be the next victim of your ex, the abusive (narcissist? psychopath?) Lenny. Then if they start to suffer abuse, they will understand. Sadly they will have to learn for themselves.

You say both that they know about the problem (and take Lenny's side) and don't know. Which is it?
 
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If someone asks you directly? You could be honest. "We are broken up because Lenny was abusive toward me." Whether or not they believe you is not your problem.

If you feel the need to warn his other dating partners -- go ahead and warn them. But be prepared for them NOT to believe you. Because that is the nature of grief -- the initial shock/denial phase when you first hear grievous news. One doesn't want to believe this is happening. If that happens? Remember that is part of THEIR grief processing... it's not about YOU personally.

Remember that other people... most people.... people not tied to him? Are saying this:

Most people aware of the situation expressed that L was being unreasonable
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You are not being an awful person even if Olive and Terry think you are because they are still under Lenny's spell. You are LEAVING AN ABUSER.

Then keep walking away. Because the plan is to get away from Lenny's reach, right? So he cannot keep hurting you? Then that means getting away from people who are still his friends/dating partners even though he's an abuser. They are either ok with it, or don't know, or don't want to believe it yet. And you don't need to be tight with them so they tell him things so he can keep on hurting you. Just this time through his minions. Right?

  • You could give them a heads up as you exit.
  • Or you could exit with no heads up.

Your call. But definitely EXIT this group of people.

Focus on keeping YOU safe from Lenny, not keeping other people safe. I get that you worry, but it's ok to focus on just you right now.

If they wake up to it? They will hopefully exit also. Maybe you can be friends later on... some place in the future if they manage to exit Lenny's group too.

But right now? Abandon ship and swim for shore. Save YOURSELF.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn said:
You say both that they know about the problem (and take Lenny's side) and don't know. Which is it?
Click to expand...

Olive, Sam, and Terry know, from Lenny's perspective only, the mistake that I made that caused them to break things off with me (again -- yes I did actually make a mistake, but Lenny's response has been out of proportion to it). Olive has explicitly told me that I fucked up and that she's also mad at me; I haven't talked about it with Terry, but they've been very cold to me ever since and there's no way they don't know; when I asked Sam if he knew what happened, he said that Lenny had told him a little bit but he didn't want to get involved (but he also acknowledged that he's biased in support of Lenny because they are partners).

None of Olive, Sam, or Terry know about the long-term abuse, and I really don't think Lenny actually realizes their abusive behaviors either.
 
Hello 896vr7,

My vote is for you to not tell Olive, Sam, and Terry; I think that if you do tell them, they'll see you as vindictive. If they come to you and ask you, then go ahead and tell them.

I'm sorry Lenny has treated you this way.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
None of Olive, Sam, or Terry know about the long-term abuse, and I really don't think Lenny actually realizes their abusive behaviors either.
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Don't JADE. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.)

If doing any of that adds to your mental health burden right now? Don't bother doing this optional extra work. Their well being is not your job. Let them learn on their own how Lenny is.

Your well being is your job. Focus on that. You take care of you and REDUCE your stress/mental health burden. Keep walking away from Lenny and all his circle of people. They will either wake up to how he is one day or not. But either way? Get YOU to a safer zone so things get better for YOU.

I'm sorry this happened and you have to be dealing with remnants of it still as you try to get well out. Keep going though!

Galagirl
 
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