Magdlyn, Thanks for going through the entire thread. So much text now. And your input is highly appreciated.
It's nice and so interesting to know how your daughter's life shifted after she found herself accepted and included, by the church and her partner. Seems like that was the kind of context she needed to feel included and not beneath everyone else. At the same time, I see that this change, alone, can't eliminate her propensity for drug addiction. I'll send you some links through PM with information about how to help her with that in a healthy way, in case you want to know more about what has worked for us.
It is true that I was searching for a calmer and more stable partner when I met Cam, because I needed, but wasn't planning on anything too serious. And I don't actually feel abused by my wife, because I have not been forced to make any of the choices I did. I chose what I thought was best for me, including the choice of making her pregnant. We both have been a victim of her disorder, but I don't feel like I am her victim.
While I do not fully "support" your behaviors here, many of which seem unethical, and feel horror at your wife's ideas about being an anti-feminist, I agree that both the person with BPD and their loved ones are "victims" of this horrific disease. My daughter is and always has been, on her good days, warm, generous, funny, artistic, intelligent, etc. It was always heartbreaking to see her "demons" take over and cause her so much pain. Her father and I are relieved that she has managed to heal... although we don't see her often because all the Jesus preaching is hard to take!
I just hope her new stability continues. I understand often the late teens and early 20s are the worst period for this disease. But my daughter was always "different." From birth. My opinion is she was oxygen and nutritionally deprived during my pregnancy. I had recurrent bronchitis during my middle trimester and this affected my pregnancy so much, my placenta had broken down and my daughter was born 3 weeks early. But from reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells I understand BPD is more often triggered by a rough childhood.
Correct, it was her "kneejerk" response without giving it any thought. It is very hard to get a chance of being listened and share my feelings and in that specific dialog it wasn't lucky with that, which is understandable since I have only send an audio message. There have been rare moments however that she did listen to me and acknowledged my request for help. That's how she begun surprising me by inviting Cam to hang out with us.
Well, here we part ways. I still don't buy your idea that your desire for polyamory will help your ailing wife in any way. It just sounds very risky to me, and with much potential for backfiring in a spectacular way.