love..

L

Ladymidnightrose

New member
So basics. Im in a triad. We the starting MF couple have found a male third. He is an amazing person my partner and i quickly fell for. We want a person to join our lives be included as much as we are with eachother. This isnt some fling... we honestly feel complete adding another to our life. Who knows how this may change as in more like a quad. But right now we know we want this.

So he likes us and tries but not as hard as we do. And there has been conflict and pain. Ive come to realize a little talked about piece of any romatic relationship are The levels of love people feel are different and we are often not on the same page exactly. Maybe the same book or chapter.. it never talked about but a huge part of a relationship. So many insecurities steam from this.

Now this person is very long distance. So we dont even know when the next real chance to be together in person will be. He doesnt seem to mind this. Stated he wants to go slow but also wont talk about any future. Wont give a sign this will end up closer. We dont want permanent long distance. Right now i consider this worth the wait but i dont know for how long.

Has anyone else felt this? And how have you handled it?

Thank you all!
 
I guess you could just ask.

You could tell him you are ok with things for now, but don't want to be a permanent LDR thing.

Assuming things work out over time...

  • Are you guys willing to move to be where he is?
  • Is he willing to move to be where you are?
  • Are both willing to move to somewhere in between or other location?
  • Something else?

It's like you want to know if (this is going to be a runner so keep investing) or (not likely to be a runner so stop investing).

If everyone is pretty tied down to their geographic location because of work or kids or whatever... may as well face it now.

If he doesn't want to talk about it? Call it a "working no" because he isn't saying "yes, the geography will change. Then make your decisions from there.

You could either become ok with an LDR thing or part ways because the geography is not likely going to change and you already know you do not want a permanent LDR thing.

Galagirl
 
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We have considered moving closer and tried to talk about it. He is firm on the need time. We just want to have hope. Also tried to talk about all options. For now i have stopped asking and am giving him space.

But what im wondering is have others experanced the different levels of love in a relationship and how have you handled it?
 
Ladymidnightrose said:
So basics. Im in a triad. We the starting MF couple have found a male third. He is an amazing person my partner and i quickly fell for. We want a person to join our lives be included as much as we are with eachother. This isnt some fling... we honestly feel complete adding another to our life. Who knows how this may change as in more like a quad. But right now we know we want this.

So he likes us and tries but not as hard as we do. And there has been conflict and pain. Ive come to realize a little talked about piece of any romatic relationship are The levels of love people feel are different and we are often not on the same page exactly. Maybe the same book or chapter.. it never talked about but a huge part of a relationship. So many insecurities steam from this.

Now this person is very long distance. So we dont even know when the next real chance to be together in person will be. He doesnt seem to mind this. Stated he wants to go slow but also wont talk about any future. Wont give a sign this will end up closer. We dont want permanent long distance. Right now i consider this worth the wait but i dont know for how long.

Has anyone else felt this? And how have you handled it?

Thank you all!
Click to expand...

I haven't experienced a long-distance triad but I know how I'd handle it. The "poly" in polyamory means you can remain open to other just as amazing possibilities who would fit in as well or better emotionally and logistically for you than your long distance partner, while at the same time allowing your long distance partner to participate at whatever level he's comfortable with and capable of.

To make it work everyone needs to recognize that we don't get to control most situations, but that we do have some choice in how we navigate them, and that by going with the flow, remaining positive, and taking advantage of or creating opportunities, you can reduce the frustration of the things you can't change and increase the chances of fulfilling the kind of relationship you want.
 
Hello Ladymidnightrose,

The levels of love people feel can definitely differ, especially in a triad situation. Like your male third may be more attracted to one of you than he is to the other, that can certainly happen. I don't think it's anything you can do anything about, you just accept that the love levels are not the same.

From what you've written so far, I get the impression that your third isn't a strong communicator. There's a lot of things you aren't certain about with him, you feel you're not on the same page, but he doesn't want to try as hard as you do, he wants space, he wants to go slow which is fine, but you need communication.

You said it's worth the wait, but now you need to decide for how long. You don't have to decide quickly, but you do need to decide, no one can decide for you. I hope you'll continue to post here, and keep us updated on your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
LDR can be a tricky thing. How well do you really know the guy? Some people maintain a long distance relationship because it's easier to be someone else. Maybe I'm just a little jaded due to some LDRs I've had in the past, but I would proceed with cautious optimism.
 
Ladymidnightrose - I assume you have met your "third" in person? I ask, in order to determine how you are able to gauge the reality of his current situation, his level of honesty, his true identity and all those questions that people who meet online or through dating sites/apps must consider.

From what you've described, he sounds quite vague on the details of his life, future plans, and feelings for you and your partner. Or rather, what, and how much of himself he is willing to offer you both.

I am in a very LDR... a "V"... with all of us living thousands of miles from each other. I am in a different country to my partners, and they live on opposite coasts of the States. Still, we've managed to make it work for well over two years (in different configurations), have all met and spent a deal of time together, and have concrete plans for future meetings and moving closer to each other.

Ultimately, our goal is to live together in a V-verging-on-triad, in the same house, or two households close together... and have been putting our joint efforts towards this goal. In the absence of stated SHARED goals, I'm not sure what grounds your triad. It sounds more like a lighter, no-strings cyber sex-play thing... perhaps with an element of LD "romantic friendship" thrown in. I can imagine you must be frustrated not knowing what you may be able to expect from this person you've grown close to.
 
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When you are a couple considering polyamory, you may have some newbie type ideas.

Such as "adding a third to our (sic) relationship."

You're NOT "adding a third to your 2 person relationship." You're creating 4 new relationships.

As soon as the polyamory or polysexuality goes from mere fantasy to actually one or both of you going on a date with another person, the relationship between husband and wife (using heteronormative terminology) changes. You are no longer monogamous. You are admitting to an attraction to another specific person or persons. Everything changes.

As soon as you kiss, make out, fondle, suck, eat or penetrate or are penetrated by another, your marriage is dead. A new marriage has been born.

Here's the math:

you+husband
you+boyfriend
husband+boyfriend
you+husband+boyfriend

Therefore it's not merely a triad. That is only 1/4 of the equation. To use alphabet shapes, there are 3 Vs and one Y.

So, there will be different levels of attraction and bond between each arm of the V. Each of you is a hinge/fulcrum and an arm. Maybe, as said above, the bf will be more attracted to you than husband. Or he might be more attracted to you than to husband. Or you will be more attracted to him than your husband is. Or husband will be more attracted to him than to you! And so on and so forth.

If you're super super lucky, the attraction ("love" or infatuation) will be fairly equal. Of course, you probably have years of bonding with your husband, and you barely know the new guy. So, he is at a disadvantage. On the other hand, he is the New and Shiny, and you and your husband's love is completely different... maybe the connection and thrill is gone and you are both head over heels infatuated with New and Shiny. He seems so exciting and desirable, a mysterious person to explore!

Adding to the difficulty, New and Shiny bf is long distance, so it's impossible to really find out exactly how interested he is.

Also adding to the difficulty is the excitement you feel just for entering polyamory. It's overwhelming.

The exciting hormonal state you are in is called New Relationship Energy in poly circles, NRE. Experienced polys know this is a very heady but misleading place to be in. The sexual excitement leads everyone involved to idealise the person(s) that is or are new to them. Only frequent contact over several months to 2 years will reveal whether the relationship will work out long term.

If you and husband formed a relationship with another closer to home, this would be easier. If you or husband each got your own lover, the going would be easier and less ripe for jealousy to occur.

I think bf is right to be cautious. He might be pursuing other relationships closer to home that have more practical value for frequent meetings and sex and fun dates, and growth, and actual value.

Stop pressuring him for commitment. Take this as a fun experiment and see where it leads. Let it take its natural course. There is no required relationship escalator in poly. There is no "meet, date, fuck, meet friends and family, start having overnights, start having long weekends, start vacationing together, move in together, buy a house, have kids, make investments, grow old together," etc. You may never get past the "meet and fuck" floor on the escalator. Or it might grow into more. Only time and investment ($$$ for travel) will tell.
 
PolyNatural said:
I haven't experienced a long-distance triad but I know how I'd handle it. The "poly" in polyamory means you can remain open to other just as amazing possibilities who would fit in as well or better emotionally and logistically for you than your long distance partner, while at the same time allowing your long distance partner to participate at whatever level he's comfortable with and capable of.

To make it work everyone needs to recognize that we don't get to control most situations, but that we do have some choice in how we navigate them, and that by going with the flow, remaining positive, and taking advantage of or creating opportunities, you can reduce the frustration of the things you can't change and increase the chances of fulfilling the kind of relationship you want.
Click to expand...


Im slowly coming to this understanding.. and in doing so voicing it to my men as well. We just may have to open our minds a bit more to see what happens. Thing is my husband and i dont want to date seperately at all.. so makes it interesting
 
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