Secondary concerned about nesting partners relationship

[Sunday]

The cast
Mango (44) M nesting partner with Blueberry for 26 years (I am Mango)
Blueberry F(43) – nesting partner with Mango
Strawberry (39) F – secondary partner with Mango ( 7 months relationship)
Grape (60) M – nesting partner with Peach and secondary partner with Blueberry
Peach (61) F – nesting partner with Grape for 40 years – mono

The situation.
Mango and Blueberry had a long term monogamous relationship.

Blueberry and Grape had a 2 year affair before both Mango and Peach discovered this independently.

This led Mango and Blueberry to have an open relationship at Blueberry’s request.

Grape and Blueberry continued their relationship with both Mango and Peach now having knowledge of it.

Peach has consistently never wanted or agreed to Grape having a polyamorous relationship with Blueberry.
Peach is monogamous and wants Grape to only have a platonic friendship with Blueberry.

Blueberry and Grape want a polyamorous relationship and have continued to have a polyamorous relationship.
Grape has previously had an affair resulting in a brief separation and reconciliation between Peach and Grape.

Mango consented to being in polyamorous relationship with Blueberry.
Mango started dating and began a polyamorous relationship with Strawberry. Blueberry accepting of this relationship.

Strawberry asked for the full story about the beginnings of Mango’s open relationship. Mango told her about the origins of Grape’s and Blueberry’s relationship and Peach’s disagreement.
Strawberry told Mango that she believes Blueberry and Grape are continuing to have an affair in front of Peach and Mango is lacking in integrity by enabling Blueberry to continue to have an unethical relationship.
Strawberry is uncomfortable now participating in a relationship with Mango due to Blueberry and Grape’s relationship.
Mango has taken a hands off stance about Blueberry’s relationship with Grape and Grape’s relationship with Peach.
Strawberry feels that Mango needs to confront Blueberry about her relationship with Grape.

What should Mango do?
One option is for Mango to tell Blueberry that he disagrees with her non ethical relationship with Grape and Mango will discontinue his relationship with Blueberry if she continues to have a polyamorous relationship with Grape.
Another option is the status quo remains and Strawberry decides if she wants to remain in a relationship with Mango.

 

[breathemusic]

How do you (mango) feel about the ongoing relationship and the fact that Peach really doesn't want it to be happening? Ultimately, you're the one that gets to decide how you react to Blueberry's relationship with Grape. You should react to that in the way that you feel is appropriate. And THEN Strawberry can react how she chooses. But your response shouldn't really be dictated based on how Strawberry or anyone else feels.

 

[Dagferi]

The other option is Strawberry minds their business and focuses of their relationship with Mango. Their metamours relationships are none of Strawberry's business unless they are going to impact their physical health or well being.

In other words it is not Strawberry's circus not their monkeys.

 

[lunabunny]

Technically Strawberry is correct in saying the ongoing relationship between Grape and Blueberry is unethical.

It has to be really rough on Peach (perhaps even more so than it was on you, Mango) to find out after almost a 40 relationship that her partner has not only been cheating - for the second time - but now insists on carrying on the cheating affair (now conveniently re-named a "polyamorous" relationship), despite her strenuous opposition to it.

Let's not forget here that Peach also has choices. She COULD decide that enough is enough... that her partner Grape is clearly a serial cheater and/or truly non-monogamous by orientation, and choose to leave him. (Divorce, if they're married.)

Of course, at age 61 and having presumably always been mono, that would truly be up-ending her whole life. She may feel she doesn't have either the emotional wherewithal or the life/job skills to leave her long-term relationship and strike out on her own at this stage of life. And naturally she probably still loves Grape and may not wish to end their relationship for that reason alone. Grape really needs to consider the bind he's put this woman in.

***************

But all that is THEIR business - and Blueberry's - and not something the opinions of you and Strawberry have much influence over. You can of course request that Blueberry end the relationship/affair, but then you run the risk of her asking the same of you (end your relationship with Strawberry; close the relationship again). Are you prepared for that, on the slim chance she actually agrees to break things off with Grape?

I get the feeling both Blueberry and Grape would be very resistant to ending things between them at your behest, if they haven't already done so for Peach's sake. In which case, you're right in saying that both you and Strawberry need to decide (for independently) how you're going to react to this, moving forward...

Strawberry seems to feel even more strongly than you do, Mango, that what Grape/Blueberry are doing is morally wrong. She wants no part of it and it's creating an ethical dilemma for her which is probably only going to get more pronounced over time. If the Blueberry/Grape/Peach situation isn't resolved soon, there may be nothing you can do to prevent her ending things with you... maybe not today, but in another six months or a year.

I would say, if YOU likewise feel it's wrong and are just tolerating it to keep the peace, or because you feel you were given little choice in the matter (like Peach), then, sure... you have a right to speak up and voice your opinion. Ask them to stop.

If, on the other hand, you truly don't wish to restrict Blueberry from expressing her love and sexual attraction for whoever she sees fit (i.e. you've come to terms with their affair and polyamory in general), then it gets into ethical "grey territory" to ask/demand they end it just to appease Strawberry, so that you don't lose her.

 

[Tinwen]

How do you (mango) feel about the ongoing relationship and the fact that Peach really doesn't want it to be happening? Ultimately, you're the one that gets to decide how you react to Blueberry's relationship with Grape. You should react to that in the way that you feel is appropriate. And THEN Strawberry can react how she chooses. But your response shouldn't really be dictated based on how Strawberry or anyone else feels.

I agree.
You do seem easily influenced - first by Blueberry to not question her ethics (and accept a poly relationship?), and now by Strawberry to consider an ultimatum.
It's time to find/solidify your own stance.

IMHO yours and Blueberries relationship, and the you-you relationship, is something to concern yourself with - how did you reconcile being with someone who cheats on you, and who is still a partner in cheating?
Don't saying don't be with her, just that there likely is conflict and you should not be hands off on that one.
Choosing a partner with questionable ethics does impact how you see yourself.

Anyway, I'm well aware there's a grey area between clear consent (polyamory) and cheating in the open. After all, Peach knows now about the affair, and isn't choosing to move on(*). I also understand why you would choose to take no stance that dynamics.

(*)edit: Oops, overlooked the age. I see how that's a factor.
edit2: Wanted to add that there is also the option to declare disagreement strongly and not choose to end the relationship because of it. At least that way Blueberry knows there's a conflict going on - which is much better than just let her believe you're ok with everything now that you have a second partner. There's also the option to let Strawberry speak directly to Blueberry or Grape, if that is what she wishes to do (although make sure not to use this as an escape from your own uncomfortable choices).

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for some names. It helped me draw a picture so I can see the relationships in this network.

Strawberry told Mango that she believes Blueberry and Grape are continuing to have an affair in front of Peach.

I'm not clear on the status for Grape and Peach.

It sounds like that side is still in the process of unfolding. The "Old Marriage" as previously known is over.

At this point? It might be at

• "Cheating Affair, now out in the Open"
• "Impending Divorce"
• "Trying to repair and move on to Poly V"

or some other thing. That side needs some time/space to figure it all out. It soungs like Grape wants to be free TO poly, and Peach wants to be free FROM poly. So to me it sounds like impending divorce.

If Strawberry feels weird being in V1 with Mango and Blueberry knowing that stuff is still unfolding in the other part of the network?

Well, Strawberry is allowed to feel weird about that. Strawberry has to figure out if the weird is a deal breaker for Strawberry being associated with this poly network at this time or not.

Strawberry told Mango that she believes Blueberry and Grape are continuing to have an affair in front of Peach and Mango is lacking in integrity by enabling Blueberry to continue to have an unethical relationship.

If Strawberry believes that Mango is lacking in integrity... why's Strawberry picking out Mango to date then?

Strawberry is uncomfortable now participating in a relationship with Mango due to Blueberry and Grape’s relationship.

Fair enough. Strawberry is allowed to feel whatever Strawberry feels.

Mango has taken a hands off stance about Blueberry’s relationship with Grape and Grape’s relationship with Peach.

Fair enough. Mango is allowed to make Mango choices. If Mango has recently gone changes in the last 2 years -- discovering affair, then his own cheating repair work , and then starting new poly thing? Mango might want a rest now for his own health. Mango may also want some distance from what else is still unfolding over there because he's already done a lot of work over here.

I could understand having a "hands off" boundary.

Strawberry feels that Mango needs to confront Blueberry about her relationship with Grape.

Why? Presumably whatever cheating repair work has already been done and completed in THIS V1. What else is there to confront if the current agreement is to be hands off on the stuff over there?

If Mango and Blueberry agree to pratice poly, and they've already made peace with Grape and include Grape in the new poly network? And nobody is cheating any more in V1?

Why does Mango have to manage how final decisions go in the marriage of Grape and Peach? Mango is not in that marriage. Grape and Peach first have to decide which way they will go. And if the final decision is not divorce? Then discussions about a new model and whether or not they involve Blueberry and so on will have to unfold.

Mango is not in charge of how fast things unfold on that side or which decisions are made.

One option is for Mango to tell Blueberry that he disagrees with her non ethical relationship with Grape and Mango will discontinue his relationship with Blueberry if she continues to have a polyamorous relationship with Grape.

Well, does Mango think that Blueberry's relationship with Grape is unethical at this time? How so?

If Grape and Peach are in the process of sorting their stuff? How is that unethical?

If Blueberry is over there holding space because before they can move on to repair as 3, there is other work to be done first? Because as 2, Grape and Peach have to figure out if they still even want to be together? How is that unethical?

Are Grape and Blueberry NOT doing marriage repair and then cheating repair? Just carrying on while Peach is miserable?

Another option is the status quo remains and Strawberry decides if she wants to remain in a relationship with Mango

I would probably opt for this one if things are now on the level in V1. People can make mistakes. Then make repairs. And move ON from a cheating past. These all take time. I also think each person is responsible for their own self.

If Strawberry prefers to be in a network that has that ALREADY finished with that work? But parts of this network still has things in progress for some of the people? She can bow out. Fair enough. Strawberry decides what network she is willing to take up with or not.

I think the old marriage is over for Grape and Peach.

If Peach is picking things out for Peach that go against Peach's values? She doesn't really want to be in a poly thing but signs up for one anyway? That's on Peach.

It is Grape's job to make Grape choices. If he keeps going when Peach doesn't really want to do Poly? It would be kinder (IMHO) for Grape to say --- " No. I do not want to participate like. Not when I know you really don't want to be doing poly. I want to live honestly now. I want to be free TO poly, and you need to be free FROM poly. We have to break up."

It is Blueberry's job to make Blueberry choices. If she chooses to be in a V with Grape and Peach knowing that Peach's heart isn't in this? I think Blueberry could say "No. I will not participate in a V knowing Peach doesn't really want to be doing this. I want to live honestly now. Grape, sort out your marriage things first, then look me up when you are clear."

But NONE of that is Mango's job. Peach choices belong to Peach, Grape choices to Grape, Blueberry choices to Blueberry.

If currently Mango wishes to take a "hands off" stance with V2? Mango's choice.

In the end, Strawberry has to figure out if she's comfortable choosing to be here like this or not.

If she's made an actual request of Mango "Are you willing to confront Blueberry and drop her if she doesn't drop Grape?" Mango could answer. Yes, willing. No not willing.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

How is it unethical? Peach left. Grape and Blueberry moved on to practice something other than a cheating affair.

If Peach chooses to come back, presumably she does so with eyes wide open that this is not a continuation of old models.

Presumably whatever cheating repair work has already been done and completed in THIS V1. What else is there to confront?

I was under the impression that the people in V1 (Mango, Blueberry, Grape) had done their cheating affair repair work and moved on from that to practice a poly V.

GalaGirl... I think you missed THIS part:

Peach has consistently never wanted or agreed to Grape having a polyamorous relationship with Blueberry.
Peach is monogamous and wants Grape to only have a platonic friendship with Blueberry.

Blueberry and Grape want a polyamorous relationship and have continued to have a polyamorous relationship.

Grape has previously had an affair resulting in a brief separation and reconciliation between Peach and Grape.

You may have misinterpreted the bit where Mango explains that Peach has NOT agreed that her husband continue with the cheating partner, Blueberry. She wants them (she and Grape) to remain monogamous. She's not "on board" with poly in any way.

Also, I took the "previously had an affair" and reconciled to mean that PRIOR to Grape's affair with Blueberry, he'd had another affair, after which he and wife Peach had split, then gotten back together.

I concede I may be the one misinterpreting this part. I hope Mango can clear this up.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thanks. We were cross posting.

I caught that it was Grape cheating two separate times and was fixing my response to reflect that. (At first I thought it was one cheating with Blueberry, and that Peaches had left and decided to come back. I did not realize it was Cheating 1, Peach left and came back, then Cheating 2 with Blueberry.)

Even with names it's a hard story to follow in chronological order. I might still be getting some thing wrong too.

Whatever it is that is going on with all the other people... I think the bottom line is still the same.

Now that she knows more of the story? If Strawberry thinks Mango lacks integrity and being in this network now makes her feel weird? Strawberry could choose to bow out of it.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Thanks. We were cross posting.

Whatever it is that is going on with all the other people... I think the bottom line is still the same.

Now that she knows more of the story? If Strawberry thinks Mango lacks integrity and being in this network now makes her feel weird? Strawberry could choose to bow out of it.

Galagirl

No worries. And I completely agree.

Any of the participants can, of course, if the what's going on here goes against their own personal ethics and aims for their future, including Peach.

 

[icesong]

I don't understand why Strawberry thinks that she has control over her meta's behavior, in this, or why she thinks she has control over what YOU'RE willing to put up with in your partner's other relationships.

I mean, even assuming Blueberry and Grape's relationship is unethical - which I think is a gray area if Peach is or believes she is really trapped in her relationship with Grape, but that really doesn't matter for YOUR intents and purposes.

At least in my opinion, I can understand not wanting to date someone in Grape's situation. I can understand being critical of my partner dating someone in Grape's situation, and _possibly_, depending on the exact scenarios, setting a boundary where I wasn't willing to continue to be involved in a relationship with Blueberry were I you. (Honestly that most likely would have happened back after the original affair, but obviously you've moved past that.)

But I can't imagine dropping a partner because *their* partner was doing something I didn't like, especially if it was a long term and complicated situation. Might say "OK, fine, I don't want to hear about Blueberry or be around them" if I disapproved THAT strongly. But not end an otherwise good relationship.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Personally? I don't cheat or aid cheating. In your position, Mango, I would strongly, vocally oppose blueberry's ongoing relationship with grape. If it didn't end completely or transition to platonic, it would seriously and negatively affect my opinion of blueberry - to the point where I would end the relationship. I don't mess with emotional abuse or manipulation, and grape's continual cheating/carrying on an open affair when it is not within the boundaries of his relationship must be awful for peach.

I take the "ethical" part of polyamory very seriously and don't engage with people who don't believe as I do (or who at least agree to behave in a way that aligns with my ethics - neither of my partners would be as stringent if it weren't for their relationship with me. Luckily for me, my opinion of them matters to them. ).

If you don't have the same ethical beliefs that I have, and it seems strawberry has, then leave well enough alone. Know that it might affect your dating pool and move on. If you do decide that you have some responsibility by allowing an affair to continue, then confront blueberry. It's ultimately about your ethical stance and your comfort level. No one else's really matters here.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sunday (a.k.a. Mango),

It sounds to me like you're probably in a situation where you'll have to choose between Blueberry and Strawberry. If you choose to stay with Blueberry, you'll probably lose Strawberry. If you want to keep dating Strawberry, you'll probably have to leave Blueberry. I say that because I don't think Blueberry will break up with Grape.

In choosing between Blueberry and Strawberry, consider that Blueberry is participating in a cheating situation, whereas Strawberry is not. So choosing to keep dating Strawberry is technically the more ethical route for you. That is unless you consider Blueberry's/Grape's relationship to be none of your business. You are kind of in a gray area here.

Incidentally, I would not call Blueberry's/Grape's relationship polyamorous unless Peach consented to it. As it is, they are simply cheating out in the open. It's just a semantic issue, but it does punctuate the unethical nature of Blueberry's/Grape's relationship.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

If you don't have the same ethical beliefs that I have, and it seems strawberry has, then leave well enough alone. Know that it might affect your dating pool and move on.

Well... yes, to a certain degree, that's great advice... which should be made to Strawberry. She has been around for seven months. If she got involved in the network without being aware of behavior she would have found questionable, then she did indeed take up a relationship that has been revealed as a sham in some way.

I'm not sensing "morality" so much as self-righteousness. IME, it's not uncommon among "poly" people who have had little (or no) real-world experience with balancing multiple relationships, & are quick to pronounce upon the failings of others outside their little bubble.

If she is so affronted, she ought to have left already, but maybe she needs encouragement. "Perhaps it ought to be worked on, but if your impeccable moral standards cannot tolerate such shenanigans, then maybe it would be best for you & all concerned if you move along toward something more perfect, & quickly."

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Well... yes, to a certain degree, that's great advice... which should be made to Strawberry. She has been around for seven months. If she got involved in the network without being aware of behavior she would have found questionable, then she did indeed take up a relationship that has been revealed as a sham in some way.

I'm not sensing "morality" so much as self-righteousness. IME, it's not uncommon among "poly" people who have had little (or no) real-world experience with balancing multiple relationships, & are quick to pronounce upon the failings of others outside their little bubble.

If she is so affronted, she ought to have left already, but maybe she needs encouragement. "Perhaps it ought to be worked on, but if your impeccable moral standards cannot tolerate such shenanigans, then maybe it would be best for you & all concerned if you move along toward something more perfect, & quickly."

I don't think it's self righteous to have a set of moral guidelines to live by. I don't ostracize others for choosing differently, I just live my life and give input here and there when my opinion hasn't been represented.

Sure, if strawberry was posting here, I would tell her the same. At it is, Mango is posting, but he could just as easily make the choice to stop engaging with someone with different beliefs than he has to cut out tension in his life. Valid choice for either of them to make since both are feeling the stress of it now.

 

[Sunday]

How do you (mango) feel about the ongoing relationship and the fact that Peach really doesn't want it to be happening? Ultimately, you're the one that gets to decide how you react to Blueberry's relationship with Grape. You should react to that in the way that you feel is appropriate. And THEN Strawberry can react how she chooses. But your response shouldn't really be dictated based on how Strawberry or anyone else feels.

I would not behave the way Blueberry is behaving myself.
Taking a very black and white/right and wrong view I think Blueberry is acting in an unethical way.
Looking in a less hardlined dogmatic way this is a grey area where Peach and Grape maybe working on healing their relationship and moving at Peach's speed to an open or poly relationship. That could allow Blueberry to continue her relationship with Grape as long as Peach is agreeable to that.

Strawberry is entitled to bow out of her relationship with me due to a lack of transparency of not disclosing the network she has joined involves unethical behaviour and that I have been hands off and not called out Blueberry for her behaviour and ended my relationship with Blueberry.

I feel I need to ask Peach again about how she is feeling right now about Grape and Blueberry's relationship and be guided by that too.

 

[Sunday]

Technically Strawberry is correct in saying the ongoing relationship between Grape and Blueberry is unethical.

It has to be really rough on Peach (perhaps even more so than it was on you, Mango) to find out after almost a 40 relationship that her partner has not only been cheating - for the second time - but now insists on carrying on the cheating affair (now conveniently re-named a "polyamorous" relationship), despite her strenuous opposition to it.

Let's not forget here that Peach also has choices. She COULD decide that enough is enough... that her partner Grape is clearly a serial cheater and/or truly non-monogamous by orientation, and choose to leave him. (Divorce, if they're married.)

Of course, at age 61 and having presumably always been mono, that would truly be up-ending her whole life. She may feel she doesn't have either the emotional wherewithal or the life/job skills to leave her long-term relationship and strike out on her own at this stage of life. And naturally she probably still loves Grape and may not wish to end their relationship for that reason alone. Grape really needs to consider the bind he's put this woman in.

***************

But all that is THEIR business - and Blueberry's - and not something the opinions of you and Strawberry have much influence over. You can of course request that Blueberry end the relationship/affair, but then you run the risk of her asking the same of you (end your relationship with Strawberry; close the relationship again). Are you prepared for that, on the slim chance she actually agrees to break things off with Grape?

I get the feeling both Blueberry and Grape would be very resistant to ending things between them at your behest, if they haven't already done so for Peach's sake. In which case, you're right in saying that both you and Strawberry need to decide (for independently) how you're going to react to this, moving forward...

Strawberry seems to feel even more strongly than you do, Mango, that what Grape/Blueberry are doing is morally wrong. She wants no part of it and it's creating an ethical dilemma for her which is probably only going to get more pronounced over time. If the Blueberry/Grape/Peach situation isn't resolved soon, there may be nothing you can do to prevent her ending things with you... maybe not today, but in another six months or a year.

I would say, if YOU likewise feel it's wrong and are just tolerating it to keep the peace, or because you feel you were given little choice in the matter (like Peach), then, sure... you have a right to speak up and voice your opinion. Ask them to stop.

If, on the other hand, you truly don't wish to restrict Blueberry from expressing her love and sexual attraction for whoever she sees fit (i.e. you've come to terms with their affair and polyamory in general), then it gets into ethical "grey territory" to ask/demand they end it just to appease Strawberry, so that you don't lose her.

Thanks Luna Bunny. I agree Grape and Blueberry would not stop their relationship if anyone asked them to. Thus I don't think Blueberry would ask me to stop my relationship with Strawberry. I don't think I have a right to ask them to stop but rather look at my own behaviour. An option would be to say to Blueberry I can't continue my relationship with you if you are being unethical with Grape.

I also agree that Strawberry has brought the spotlight to ethical behaviours and understand if she chooses to exit.

 

[Sunday]

I agree.
You do seem easily influenced - first by Blueberry to not question her ethics (and accept a poly relationship?), and now by Strawberry to consider an ultimatum.
It's time to find/solidify your own stance.

IMHO yours and Blueberries relationship, and the you-you relationship, is something to concern yourself with - how did you reconcile being with someone who cheats on you, and who is still a partner in cheating?
Don't saying don't be with her, just that there likely is conflict and you should not be hands off on that one.
Choosing a partner with questionable ethics does impact how you see yourself.

Anyway, I'm well aware there's a grey area between clear consent (polyamory) and cheating in the open. After all, Peach knows now about the affair, and isn't choosing to move on(*). I also understand why you would choose to take no stance that dynamics.

(*)edit: Oops, overlooked the age. I see how that's a factor.
edit2: Wanted to add that there is also the option to declare disagreement strongly and not choose to end the relationship because of it. At least that way Blueberry knows there's a conflict going on - which is much better than just let her believe you're ok with everything now that you have a second partner. There's also the option to let Strawberry speak directly to Blueberry or Grape, if that is what she wishes to do (although make sure not to use this as an escape from your own uncomfortable choices).

Thank. I totally agree I have been unassertive and passive. I am addressing this issue in myself now.
I appreciate your suggestions in edit2.

 

[Sunday]

Hello Sunday (a.k.a. Mango),

It sounds to me like you're probably in a situation where you'll have to choose between Blueberry and Strawberry. If you choose to stay with Blueberry, you'll probably lose Strawberry. If you want to keep dating Strawberry, you'll probably have to leave Blueberry. I say that because I don't think Blueberry will break up with Grape.

In choosing between Blueberry and Strawberry, consider that Blueberry is participating in a cheating situation, whereas Strawberry is not. So choosing to keep dating Strawberry is technically the more ethical route for you. That is unless you consider Blueberry's/Grape's relationship to be none of your business. You are kind of in a gray area here.

Incidentally, I would not call Blueberry's/Grape's relationship polyamorous unless Peach consented to it. As it is, they are simply cheating out in the open. It's just a semantic issue, but it does punctuate the unethical nature of Blueberry's/Grape's relationship.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin for your direct assessment of the situation and the options suggested.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm happy to help.

 

[KC43]

Personally, I don't think it makes sense for Strawberry to throw away her relationship with you because of what your partner and metamour are doing. That doesn't directly impact Strawberry in any way. She might be uncomfortable with a cheating situation, but she isn't part of that situation.

I have very little contact with my metamours. As long as they aren't actively interfering in my relationship with our shared partner, what they do doesn't affect me and is therefore none of my business. If I found out that one of my metamours had another partner who was cheating on their spouse, that has no impact on me whatsoever. I wouldn't agree with that choice, but it wouldn't be any of my business. I certainly wouldn't end the relationship with the shared partner over it.

If I found out that one of my *metamours* was the one cheating on a spouse, that would mean that our shared partner is the one engaged in a relationship with someone who's cheating. *That* would impact me, because it would mean I was involved with someone whose ethical standards don't align with mine, since they're apparently okay with someone cheating. In that case, I *would* end the relationship with the shared partner, because I won't engage in a relationship with someone whose ethics are that different from mine.

Strawberry isn't impacted by Blueberry and Grape's relationship. Their relationship has nothing to do with Strawberry. Mango and Peach *are* impacted by Blueberry and Grape's relationship. They are the ones who need to decide what to do about the situation, and choosing to stay and have a hands-off approach to Blueberry and Grape's relationship is a perfectly valid choice.

That said, Strawberry's feelings are also valid. She can choose not to let Blueberry and Grape's situation impact her, or she can choose to leave Mango over it. It sounds like she's feeling like *Mango* is unethical because he isn't trying to put a stop to Blueberry and Grape's relationship; if that's what she believes, then she's choosing to allow a metamour's relationship to destroy her own. And even though that doesn't seem like a logical choice, and is a hurtful one to Mango, it's still a valid choice.