Interacting with partners partner

D

Deenz

New member
I’m going to live with my primary partner in a few weeks time and would appreciate some advice on my interactions with his other partners.

I’ve explicitly told him that I have no problem with him continuing those relationships , and we’ve talked a little about how to make time for that to happen.

He would like for us all to be able to spend time together doing stuff, but I’m not comfortable with that. One I have a reasonably friendly relationship with and will have a chat at social gatherings etc the other I just don’t like , not someone I would be friends with and some of her behaviour irritates me. I’m not sure if this is my problem and I just need to get over it, or something I should ask my partner to consider changing.

When the three of us are in the same space, usually social gatherings, I feel like a third wheel to their relationship - ie they have conversations about things that are between them, and interacts in a way that leaves me feeling excluded. I don’t know if it’s deliberate, there are a couple of times I’ve heard her make snarky comments about me so I generally don’t trust her but I’m not looking to change her behaviour that’s not my problem. My response to this now is to remove myself from there company as much as possible, problem with that is feeling that we go out together to something , then I ‘have’ to spend the evening away from him because I don’t want to be around them together.

I’m wondering do I just keep doing what I’m doing or should I talk to my partner about how he interacts with me when we are all together. It’s a little bit of a touchy subject because I have reacted badly to this situation in the past so would appreciate some ideas on how to approach this ?

Oh and edited for to add I particularly see this being an issue if we are hosting social gatherings at home which happens fairly regularly that she is invited to.

Thanks
Dee
 
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Since you have common social circles, it's gonna be impractical to avoid her. You wanna be able to say hello at social events and not let it ruin your evening.

I mean, don't beat yourself up if that's impossible. I know how it feels. Basically, jealousy comes in the way, and makes the person seem horrible to be in the same room with in your eyes. But then you're exactly at the spot where you have to abstain from events you'd like to attend just because she's there.
Just not practical.

So I'd say, do question your thoughts, and do talk to your partner. Figure out what you need. Figure out how to help yourself, and figure out specific ways he can help you. Example, take this
I feel like a third wheel to their relationship - ie they have conversations about things that are between them, and interacts in a way that leaves me feeling excluded.
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So they have a conversation on a private topic. So what? That's what they want to talk about. Why are you feeling bad? Do you really want to tell them not to talk about their stuff? They should include you, is that true?
Maybe you would be better off if you dropped the expectation to talk the three of you at social events 100% of the time. You would be free to go talk independently to people you actually like and not your metamour then.
Also likely, you want some attention from your partner. So you could ask for that, either in advance or in the moment. "I feel excluded when we go out and you focus on your other partner for too long. Are you willing to help me by remembering to sometimes come over to where I am?" "Honey, I don't want to interrupt your conversation, I just want a quick kiss." ;)
I'm sure you can figure out nice ways to do this.

So as far as social gatherings go, hopefully, that's manageable.

The bigger trouble I see ... what about when he wants her over to visit at your new home? The overnights, the Saturday afternoons? Have you talked about THAT already?
 
Is it possible to develop a relationship with this person? Perhaps she is just jealous and might overcome that after getting to know you better?

For me, I was apprehensive about my husband's other two wives. I worried that they might have been putting on a front for a while, or that they might try to dominate me once I moved in. So far, everything has been just as it seems.

I'm not sure how people handle having multiple relationships with others who live in different houses or some distance away. While my relationship with the other two wives isn't as close as it could be, it would feel awkward to live separately from them. I like being close to the other people that my husband is close to.
 
Tinwen, thanks food for thought and I recognise that it’s partly jealousy and I’m working on that. And I’m very much a keep relationships seperate person, I only share very general information with K but he is much more comfortable with intertwined relationships.

Tinwen said:
So they have a conversation on a private topic. So what? That's what they want to talk about. Why are you feeling bad? Do you really want to tell them not to talk about their stuff? They should include you, is that true?
Maybe you would be better off if you dropped the expectation to talk the three of you at social events 100% of the time. You would be free to go talk independently to people you actually like and not your metamour
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It’s not so much they want to have a conversation I don’t feel I need to be included, in fact I’d rather not be. I’m fine to go and chat with others. An example - we went to a munch together but arrived seperately because of other things on beforehand, he arrived before me and was sitting with his partner, so I joined them . After people stay for dinner , while I’m chatting with friends and getting a drink they get a table for dinner, so I feel like I’m left with don’t join them or when I do they majority of the conversation revolves around their stuff. I’m ok with us going to events separately if he wants to go with someone else, but if we are going together I don’t want to spend that time hanging out with his other partners. That’s the conversation I need to have with him , are we going together and what are expectations around that.

Other partners coming over we’ve talked about and I’m happy to go sit by the pool , read a book, go out etc I done need or expect to be included.
 
He would like for us all to be able to spend time together doing stuff,
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That's nice. He can want things. You don't have to automatically do them just to please him though.

...but I’m not comfortable with that. One I have a reasonably friendly relationship with and will have a chat at social gatherings etc the other I just don’t like , not someone I would be friends with and some of her behaviour irritates me.
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So tell him where your currently willingness lies. Call them Annoying Apple and Great Grape.

You are willing to be "basic polite" when all are present. But have no desire to seek them out for EXTRA socializing as a big group.

At this time you are willing for him to go socialize with them as (Apple), (Grape) or (Apple + Grape). But not you. Perhaps over time you might be willing to see more of Grape, but not so much Apple.

I’m not sure if this is my problem and I just need to get over it, or something I should ask my partner to consider changing.
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Just because you date a person doesn't mean you have to automatically love their parents, their kids, their other friends, etc. You could ask him to change his want/expection and NOT to expect you to be all buddy-buddy with all these people in his life.

He could expect "basic polite" should the occassion warrant it. That is fair enough esp if you want him to do basic polite for your people. But best friends? Nope. That's not his decision. Who YOU befriend and bring into your inner circle is not up to him.

When the three of us are in the same space, usually social gatherings, I feel like a third wheel to their relationship - ie they have conversations about things that are between them, and interacts in a way that leaves me feeling excluded
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Let it go on for a while, because it's fair for them to cathc up/check in/talk about topics that interest them or are particular to them. If it goes on FOREVER? Speak up. Say something like "Excuse me. I feel left out. You guys have been talking about X for 30 minutes. Could we please change the topic to something I could participate in too?"

There are a couple of times I’ve heard her make snarky comments about me so I generally don’t trust her.
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Again, speak up. "Excuse me. I just heard you say ____. I don't want to jump to conclusions. What did you mean by that? Could you please be willing to clarify?"

My response to this now is to remove myself from their company as much as possible, problem with that is feeling that we go out together to something , then I ‘have’ to spend the evening away from him because I don’t want to be around them together.
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You have to make a value judgement. Which do you value more?

  • Not being around Apple? And you pay the price of admission in not seeing him extra in group settings.
  • Or being around him more by atttending group things. And you pay the price of admission in putting up with Annoying Apple more than usual.

I’m wondering do I just keep doing what I’m doing or should I talk to my partner about how he interacts with me when we are all together.
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Yes. Talk to him. He cannot be a mind reader. If you want to request changes in his behavior you have to ask them of him. He may or may not do them, but you could ask.

I’m ok with us going to events separately if he wants to go with someone else, but if we are going together I don’t want to spend that time hanging out with his other partners. That’s the conversation I need to have with him , are we going together and what are expectations around that.
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Well, you could get clarity on that before going. Are you his exclusive date on this event? Or you are attending separately and just car pooling? Or something else?

Inquire what he is inviting you to before accepting the date.

Because that's two different sets of rules/expectations for behavior. Just like there's different rules/expectations for checkers and soccer.

If he's your date on this thing, it might be reasonable to expect him to say hi to his other people, but spend most of the time being PRESENT with you.

If he's not your date, it might be reasonable for him to say hi to you and check in when ready to leave if you are car pooling since you are now roomies. Or maybe it is better NOT to car pool.

But basically you each get to do what you want at the event because you are not each other's date on that one.

It’s a little bit of a touchy subject because I have reacted badly to this situation in the past so would appreciate some ideas on how to approach this ?
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Well, what happened when you tried to voice your concerns to him before?

If you get overwhelmed talking this out face to face in a few hours, maybe you can do it more slowly over once a week email. So it still gets solved over more time, but in a way that is less trigger-y.

Is how he handles conflict resolution a deal breaker to you moving in with him?

I particularly see this being an issue if we are hosting social gatherings at home which happens fairly regularly that she is invited to.
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Is hosting gatherings where she comes a dealbreaker to moving in with him? Would it be better to maintain your own space?

Galagirl
 
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majormerrick I don’t know about her , there’s a little bit of jealousy on my part but generally I prefer keeping relationships seperate, if it was someone I enjoyed spending time with yes - unfortunately not the case here.
 
Galagirl
‘That's nice. He can want things. You don't have to automatically do them just to please him though’
‘He could expect "basic polite" should the occassion warrant it is fair. But best friends? Nope. That's not his decision. Who YOU befriend and bring into your inner circle is not up to him.’
True and have said that from the start I’m not interested in a relationship with your partners just because they are your partners.On the other hand I don’t think it’s fair to say you can’t invite X to social gathering at home because I don’t want to have more than a passing interaction with them. Not that I have to even then it’s more about feeling ignored when that happens.

‘Is how he handles conflict resolution a deal breaker to you moving in with him?

‘‘Is hosting gatherings where she comes a dealbreaker to moving in with him? Would it be better to maintain your own space? ‘

Neither is a dealbreaker , he is better at handling conflict than I am, I have a hard time speaking up for myself and tend to let things stew until what is probably a minor problem gets blown out of proportion, which is why I’m asking for advice on how to approach this.
 
Galagirl

‘he's your date on this thing, it might be reasonable to expect him to say hi to his other people, but spend most of the time being PRESENT with you’

Yes that’s exactly it , thank you
 
Deenz said:
Galagirl said:
‘he's your date on this thing, it might be reasonable to expect him to say hi to his other people, but spend most of the time being PRESENT with you’
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Yes that’s exactly it , thank you
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Ok. Then when he asks you out, take the time to ask what KIND of thing he's inviting you to. Like is this an exclusive date with you? Or is this like a group thing? Or something else?

You could get clear on what kind of outing it is, and what you can expect from him while out on it before accepting the invitation. Minimizes the problems for you.

On the other hand I don’t think it’s fair to say you can’t invite X to social gathering at home because I don’t want to have more than a passing interaction with them. Not that I have to even then it’s more about feeling ignored when that happens.
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I think it is fair to say "Please don't invite X over every single day of the week -- it's my home too."

I think it is fair to say "I don't want to have more than a passing interaction with X, so don't expect me to be best friends with them. I can do basic polite. I cannot do best friends."

What's wrong with stating your limits so people can know where they lie? :confused:

When I have people over I tell my spouse if he is welcome to join or tell him if it is better he NOT join depending on the thing.

If it is just people hanging out, he is welcome to join. If it is volunteer meetings for something, unless he's a worker on the project it is better he give us space. When he has people over he does same.

I don't feel ignored if I have chosen NOT to participate. I give them the space they need to socialize in the shared home. Basic polite saying hi to people when they arrive and then excusing myself so they can get on with it and I can go do what I want to do? Saying bye later when they leave? Seems fair "basic polite" stuff to me.

That is very minimal interaction.

Galagirl
 
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That probably wasn’t very clear - it’s not an everyday of the week thing, so that’s not a problem,nor is basic polite - I just need to make that clear to him. When they want to spend time together I’m happy to go do my own thing, I don’t feel ignored if I’ve chosen not to participate either. Thanks Galagirl for your replies has helped to clarify/validate my feelings.
 
Deenz said:
Galagirl
‘That's nice. He can want things. You don't have to automatically do them just to please him though’
‘He could expect "basic polite" should the occassion warrant it is fair. But best friends? Nope. That's not his decision. Who YOU befriend and bring into your inner circle is not up to him.’
True and have said that from the start I’m not interested in a relationship with your partners just because they are your partners.On the other hand I don’t think it’s fair to say you can’t invite X to social gathering at home because I don’t want to have more than a passing interaction with them. Not that I have to even then it’s more about feeling ignored when that happens.

‘Is how he handles conflict resolution a deal breaker to you moving in with him?

‘‘Is hosting gatherings where she comes a dealbreaker to moving in with him? Would it be better to maintain your own space? ‘

...he is better at handling conflict than I am, I have a hard time speaking up for myself and tend to let things stew until what is probably a minor problem gets blown out of proportion, which is why I’m asking for advice on how to approach this.
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If you have always been conflict avoidant, this is a perfect opportunity to work on your conflict resolution skills. Polyamory does almost force us to learn how to be better communicators, if we want it to work!

Not only could you learn to speak up for yourself better, politely but clearly and firmly, your bf could be requested to understand this is difficult for you on your learning curve, and be requested to check in with you more often to make sure you're OK and not just burying your discomfort. My nesting partner is also conflict avoidant (and socially awkward sometimes) and sometimes won't speak unless spoken to. I've learned this about her. So I make sure to ask her opinion on things even when she is being quiet. Once I do, she speaks right up!
 
Hello Dee,

See http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735 ... it sounds like you are a "parallel poly" type of person, whereas your primary partner is more of a "kitchen table poly" type of person. Neither type is better than the other, it's just that knowing you're different types can be helpful perspective when you're trying to work out a compromise. It sounds like you're willing to put up with a certain amount of his irritating partner, you would just like to feel more included in the conversation. And that's what I would suggest you tell him. "Honey, when I am with you and her, I feel excluded from the conversation. Could you include some conversation that I could participate in?" Something to that effect. Hopefully he would be willing to work with you.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
@magdlyn thanks , Partner is very aware of my conflict avoidance and tries to make it easier for me - he defiant encourages me to speak up and come to him when I’m struggling. It is getting better with time.

@Kevin T to be honest I’d rather have no contact but that’s not possible so yes working with him to make it easier will help. Just need to find the right time to bring it up !
 
Knock on wood, you'll find the right time to bring it up soon. :)
 
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