How Should Poly Lesbians Handle Bisexual Partners Who Want Men In The Mix?

PurpleSun said:
This is a really awesome reply. My ideal set up is a childfree poly family. Remember that old show "The Golden Girls?" Like that, but with lesbians lol. All living together, sharing, loving, sharing our lives, in a completely egalitarian relationship. So, to that end, it would not work with someone who wants a man in the mix.
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I think this sheds a lot of light on your concerns. Knowing that family-style is important to you helps put your aversion in context. It sounds like you are more concerned about men being part of your relationship — as live-in metamours or as frequent guests of the women you live with. It also sounds like you could still be open to a polyamorous relationship with a bisexual woman, but that it wouldn’t be able to include cohabitation with male partners. Like, maybe Dorothy has a boyfriend who she visits every weekend or one of Rose’s girlfriends lives with her husband. (I don’t actually watch the Golden Girls, so your metaphor might be losing ground here, but you get the idea....) If that would be possible, I think you just need to be very up front with bisexual women that your long-term goal is to cohabit with other lesbians in a woman-focused home.
 
MsEmotional said:
I think this sheds a lot of light on your concerns. Knowing that family-style is important to you helps put your aversion in context. It sounds like you are more concerned about men being part of your relationship — as live-in metamours or as frequent guests of the women you live with. It also sounds like you could still be open to a polyamorous relationship with a bisexual woman, but that it wouldn’t be able to include cohabitation with male partners. Like, maybe Dorothy has a boyfriend who she visits every weekend or one of Rose’s girlfriends lives with her husband. (I don’t actually watch the Golden Girls, so your metaphor might be losing ground here, but you get the idea....) If that would be possible, I think you just need to be very up front with bisexual women that your long-term goal is to cohabit with other lesbians in a woman-focused home.
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The co-habitation in a woman-focused home is perfect for what I want. Thank you for that description. I may have worded things poorly before. I have no issue with bisexuality, and I do not buy into any of the stereotypes. I am sorry if anything I said upset you or hurt your feelings I never meant that.

And OMFG, watch GG on Hulu! I love them. They rock. Then again, it's a very comforting show to me.
 
PurpleSun said:
I have no issue with bisexuality, and I do not buy into any of the stereotypes. I am sorry if anything I said upset you or hurt your feelings I never meant that.
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Not upset or hurt whatsoever. Just seeking to clarify and understand. No worries! :)
 
PurpleSun-

The issue of lesbian/bisexual etc... and interactions with men is definitely a sticky issue. Here's how my family has handled it:

I am "mostly" a lesbian. My husband is the one and only man I have felt any attraction toward, and it took many years for us to actually settle down together. Aside from him, I identify with your visceral dislike for heterosexual intimacy. Until I married him this year, I was in a triad with my two girlfriends. Renarde is gender-fluid and almost exclusively prefers women, and Corsac is totally lesbian. They interact with my husband in a brother-sister fashion. Renarde and my sister-wife Reina are super close. It has worked out because my husband was in our lives as a dear friend for a long time before we joined our households.

We all manage to sleep in one big bed together, too. Usually, my GFs sleep on one side of me, and then my husband is on the other side. Fortunately, my GFs are not averse to me and my husband having sex in the same room, they just don't really want to participate. I think having a common bedroom wouldn't work too well with your visceral aversion to heterosexual relations. You might be able to have a man in the mix with separate rooms, but only if he was someone you were close friends with, rather than someone you barely knew.

I think your best-fit environment would be an all-female household or commune. I lived in that kind of setting for a while and it was a good place to be, with lots of camaraderie and a feeling of safety. The only drawback is that larger groups like that can get pretty political.
 
majormerrick said:
PurpleSun-

The issue of lesbian/bisexual etc... and interactions with men is definitely a sticky issue. Here's how my family has handled it:

I am "mostly" a lesbian. My husband is the one and only man I have felt any attraction toward, and it took many years for us to actually settle down together. Aside from him, I identify with your visceral dislike for heterosexual intimacy. Until I married him this year, I was in a triad with my two girlfriends. Renarde is gender-fluid and almost exclusively prefers women, and Corsac is totally lesbian. They interact with my husband in a brother-sister fashion. Renarde and my sister-wife Reina are super close. It has worked out because my husband was in our lives as a dear friend for a long time before we joined our households.

We all manage to sleep in one big bed together, too. Usually, my GFs sleep on one side of me, and then my husband is on the other side. Fortunately, my GFs are not averse to me and my husband having sex in the same room, they just don't really want to participate. I think having a common bedroom wouldn't work too well with your visceral aversion to heterosexual relations. You might be able to have a man in the mix with separate rooms, but only if he was someone you were close friends with, rather than someone you barely knew.

I think your best-fit environment would be an all-female household or commune. I lived in that kind of setting for a while and it was a good place to be, with lots of camaraderie and a feeling of safety. The only drawback is that larger groups like that can get pretty political.
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Thank you so much for sharing! Your setup sounds hella interesting. I definitely would not be okay sleeping in a bed, for any reason, with any man. I think that would be way too far for my comfort level, no matter how close. I also kind of like the idea of all female energy in the household. If someone wanted a boyfriend, I think it would come down to said boyfriend never being able to cohabitate. Of course, we cannot always control these things, so that is no absolute, but it is ideal. The separate rooms would definitely be mandatory.

I am a political science major and a self-identified social justice warrior, so it is perfectly fine with me if things get political lol. I am actually the newly elected President of my school's College Democrats chapter.
 
My gf is very lesbian, I'm bi.

She struggled at first feeling grossed out that I fuck men, but quickly adapted once she realized this doesn't actually affect her in any way. That's good. I could not stay with someone who found my sexuality icky.

I would never expect her to have any intimate contact with any man in my life. I'm careful to never use my lesbian lover as titillation for any male gaze, nor do I tell her gory details about what I get up to with any man.

I was so into her for a while I was basically monogamous, and now we're long distance, so she hasn't had to deal much with a guy being "around". She's definitely more comfy in all female settings, an I can see the appeal. Golden Girls all the way!
 
LoveBunny said:
My gf is very lesbian, I'm bi.

She struggled at first feeling grossed out that I fuck men, but quickly adapted once she realized this doesn't actually affect her in any way. That's good. I could not stay with someone who found my sexuality icky.

I would never expect her to have any intimate contact with any man in my life. I'm careful to never use my lesbian lover as titillation for any male gaze, nor do I tell her gory details about what I get up to with any man.

I was so into her for a while I was basically monogamous, and now we're long distance, so she hasn't had to deal much with a guy being "around". She's definitely more comfy in all female settings, an I can see the appeal. Golden Girls all the way!
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This is very reassuring. Thank you for sharing! It's not that I find your or any bi/pan/non-monosexual woman's sexuality icky. I find those all to be completely legitimate and deserving of validation, to be clear. I am thinking it has more to do with my ultimate goal of that lesbian "Golden Girls" type situation that I am gunning for. I just couldn't have a man in the mix there. I also don't do long distance, that is another difference, I guess.

I'd never want to limit a partner, but I also have real reservations about the proximity of men to our set up, if that makes sense.
 
PurpleSun said:
Thank you so much for sharing! Your setup sounds hella interesting. I definitely would not be okay sleeping in a bed, for any reason, with any man. I think that would be way too far for my comfort level, no matter how close. I also kind of like the idea of all female energy in the household. If someone wanted a boyfriend, I think it would come down to said boyfriend never being able to cohabitate. Of course, we cannot always control these things, so that is no absolute, but it is ideal. The separate rooms would definitely be mandatory.

I am a political science major and a self-identified social justice warrior, so it is perfectly fine with me if things get political lol. I am actually the newly elected President of my school's College Democrats chapter.
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The all female energy thing has both benefits and drawbacks. When I lived in that household, I was partnered with the girl who was the leader of the group. It was much like living in a military camp....there was even a "political officer" who was responsible for continuing education. The group was energetic, and that energy kind of wore me down at times. After a while, I just couldn't eat/drink/sleep/work for the "people's revolution" constantly. If you lived in a large all-female group, I think you'd want to find a group that was a little less focused on the "militant" portion of the phrase "militant feminist" and a little more in tune with your politics.

The amount of estrogen flowing in that situation was extreme, and brought some internal conflict with it. But we were also super close-knit, and while there were a number of mono couples in the group and nobody was really exactly poly, it was good to be able to express sexuality a bit more freely without offending others or worrying about young kids.

In the family I have now, I find that my husband brings some much-needed balance to an estrogen-heavy scenario. We don't squabble much, but he makes a really good mediator when it happens. While I tend to be a very independent person, I've found some significant satisfaction in actually giving up a portion of that independence. When I lived in a triad, I had the primary responsibility of bringing home money, fixing things, and getting work done. Now the ultimate responsibility is with my husband, not on me, and that has reduced my stress level a lot. He makes me feel safe in a way that nobody else does...but he's protected me since we were kids growing up together. I know I'd never find that in any other man.
 
It sounds like you've found a set up that really works for you. Honestly, I'd likely be the militant leader lol. I am heavily political and when I graduate and go to law school, plan to work in a civil rights organization of some kind. So, the things that bother you would make me thrive.

I appreciate your sharing about your set up! It gives a bit of structure to a rather abstract idea.
 
PurpleSun said:
I also don't do long distance, that is another difference, I guess.
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I used to say the same, certainly wasn't seeking LDR. We started out in the same city, even tried cohabitating a bit, but circumstances changed... but that's off topic.

Funnily, IIRC, the Golden Girls in the first few episodes had a gay male housekeeper that lived with them and quickly got written off.
 
PurpleSun said:
It sounds like you've found a set up that really works for you. Honestly, I'd likely be the militant leader lol. I am heavily political and when I graduate and go to law school, plan to work in a civil rights organization of some kind. So, the things that bother you would make me thrive.

I appreciate your sharing about your set up! It gives a bit of structure to a rather abstract idea.
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Well if sandbag walls, barbed wire, and organic gardening is your style, there's an increasing number of groups like the one I lived with. From what I've seen, it is more common in the Midwest US than elsewhere, except for in Eastern Europe where it is a growing phenomenon. There are both rural and urban groups, but the rural groups seem to be more secure and successful. Since you live closer to the coast, you'll be more likely to find a group with politics like yours....

Kind of a side note, but I've seen that there are more groups of unrelated people living together lately, especially in the under-35 age group. Where my husband works, he knows a couple of groups of people who are still roommates, even though they have no financial need to live together. In our church/faith, it is common for two or three families to live close together...not quite in the same house, but either in adjoining buildings or in a compound of sorts. I wonder if some parts of our society are becoming more social/communal in nature?
 
LoveBunny said:
I used to say the same, certainly wasn't seeking LDR. We started out in the same city, even tried cohabitating a bit, but circumstances changed... but that's off topic.

Funnily, IIRC, the Golden Girls in the first few episodes had a gay male housekeeper that lived with them and quickly got written off.
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Yeah, Cocoa was their gay cook for the pilot episode. He was gone after that.
 
majormerrick said:
Well if sandbag walls, barbed wire, and organic gardening is your style, there's an increasing number of groups like the one I lived with. From what I've seen, it is more common in the Midwest US than elsewhere, except for in Eastern Europe where it is a growing phenomenon. There are both rural and urban groups, but the rural groups seem to be more secure and successful. Since you live closer to the coast, you'll be more likely to find a group with politics like yours....

Kind of a side note, but I've seen that there are more groups of unrelated people living together lately, especially in the under-35 age group. Where my husband works, he knows a couple of groups of people who are still roommates, even though they have no financial need to live together. In our church/faith, it is common for two or three families to live close together...not quite in the same house, but either in adjoining buildings or in a compound of sorts. I wonder if some parts of our society are becoming more social/communal in nature?
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That is an interesting question re: communal societies! I think they might be. And yeah I live close to the coast but it's South Carolina lol. Definitely not politically friendly to a black, non-Christian, genderqueer, gay, female bodied human.
 
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I have been trying to find something that relates to what I'm going through and this is the first of its type!

I am a lesbian. All except one of my lesbian relationships have ended up being with bi women, for some reason, all of whom went on to date men after me. I was their only female relationship.

I am now practicing solo polyamory, and again I am in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She has recently formed a new sexual relationship with a man and it has been really hard to deal with, probably just because it's my first poly experience, not that he's a man. Yes, it gives me the ick thinking that she is sleeping with a penis, but it's not me, so it doesn't offend or make me not consent to it. I also appreciate that she likes what she likes and I like what I like. It's something that's never come up with me before, as all my relationships were monogamous previously, so it didn't make a difference to me if my partner were bi or not.

Boundaries are definitely important and a parallel relationship between me and him is necessary for me. I had met him before they got together, but still feel no need for him to be in my life.
 
Hello coffeeguzzler, welcome to our forum, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you are working things out a little at a time.
 
coffeeguzzler said:
I have been trying to find something that relates to what I'm going through and this is the first of its type!

I am a lesbian. All except one of my lesbian relationships have ended up being with bi women, for some reason, all of whom went on to date men after me. I was their only female relationship.

I am now practicing solo polyamory, and again I am in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She has recently formed a new sexual relationship with a man and it has been really hard to deal with, probably just because it's my first poly experience, not that he's a man. Yes, it gives me the ick thinking that she is sleeping with a penis, but it's not me, so it doesn't offend or make me not consent to it. I also appreciate that she likes what she likes and I like what I like. It's something that's never come up with me before, as all my relationships were monogamous previously, so it didn't make a difference to me if my partner were bi or not.

Boundaries are definitely important and a parallel relationship between me and him is necessary for me. I had met him before they got together, but still feel no need for him to be in my life.
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Hi Coffeeguzzler,

This is an old thread. Usually we recommend you start a new thread (maybe with a link to the old one included), but you didn't know that. I will reread this and see if I can help in any way.

Welcome to the board.

I'm pansexual, non-binary, in long-term partnerships with a woman and a man. Both of my partners are also poly and date others (not each other). My gf is pansexual, my bf is pretty straight, but open-minded. We just don't fit into the binary. But it's cool you do. It's interesting you've dated so many bi women, as a lesbian. When I was looking, I couldn't find any actual lesbians who would date me.

Mags
 
Okay, I read it.

So, it sounds like the main thing here is that:

You are icked out by penises.
You don't want to hang out with your gf's new guy, much less ever be asked to cohabitate.
You don't want to hear anything about your gf's dates with new guy, much less sexual details.

Why do you prefer to never hang out with this man? Do you generally avoid social contact with men as much as possible? What's wrong about sharing a meal with a man, for example? Are you afraid if you give your gf and her man an inch (having dinner at a restaurant, say), they will suddenly want to escalate that to more and more threeway dates, including, say, at home movie dates for the three of you, which seems much too intimate?

(On a personal note, I've been with my gf for 14 years. In our early years, we were fine with KTP, but over the years we greatly reduced this, since my bfs would almost always seem to get crushes on Pixi and want to escalate it to having sex with her. She's that cute and nice. It got tiresome. Sharing partners is NOT our thing. We just didn't want to give anyone any ideas. There is something about dating a woman who has a female partner that makes the average not-gay guy just start getting ideas. It's like catnip. SO annoying.)

We have another current thread here started by a man whose gf has recently started seeing a lesbian. This lesbian doesn't want to run the risk of being with the gf if there is any chance there is male ejaculate in her vagina. This has led to some problems for the man since he's fluid bonded with his gf, so they seem to be working out to let 24 hours go between when he's had sex with the gf, and her going off to have sex with her lesbian lover. I'll find the link.

Here it is. https://polyamory.com/threads/issue-caused-by-my-wifes-new-relationship.155873/
 
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