Issue caused by my wife's new relationship

P

Poly wolf

New member
My wife (we will call her F) recently began dating another woman (C). C and I are strictly metamours, due to C not being interested in men. This isn't a problem for me, because C and I get along extremely well. We have similar interests and senses of humor, and obviously the same taste in women. This is our first experience with F solo dating someone in quite a while, and our first experience with her dating another woman. So we have been hitting a few bumps in the road.

The latest issue came about today. Typically when F and I have sex, there are no condoms involved. We know we are clean, and she cannot have my children, so there are zero worries about pregnancy. And doing so is part of the way we have always reintegrated in the past, not just after dates, but also after other times of physical separation. F had been wanting to progress things physically with C, so she asked me to refrain from finishing in her the way I normally would, so things wouldn't be awkward for her first time with C. I agreed to respect her wishes.

C had come over Monday night to hang out with us and watch football. After the game was over, I went to bed and F and C went to the guest bedroom to hang out. After a little bit, F came back to bed with me. The next day while I was at work, the two of them continued to hang out and finally had sex for the first time. Later that day, C went home.

When I returned from work, F was excited to share with me how their relationship had grown and I was excited to listen to what she wanted to share. We were lying in bed together and she began to tell me some basic details about where their relationship had gone. I was happy for F, smiling as she shared, joking around and loving on her. Then I made a mistake by asking about what this meant for our physical relationship going forward. If C and F are going to be seeing each other more often, that puts a limit on our normal way of physically connecting with each other.

That may have not been a mistake in and of itself, but when F tried to lay out how it could work for now, with minimal impact to us, I cut her off and made a comment about how someone was going to end up unhappy with the situation. My mind was more focused on the future, if F and C are more serious, and seeing each other more then the current once every week or so. F was more focused on the current situation.

Because of the timing of my question in general, and the comment that someone was going to be unhappy with the situation, F is upset with me. She feels like I took a happy moment for her and ruined it. Her first time with C is now tainted by me asking a negative question. I'm upset with myself for creating this situation, but there is no way to fix what has been done. I can't unsay what was said and there is no way to make the memory a happy one for her again. F says she doesn't know when she will be able to forgive me. I just was trying to work out what our new normal was going to be so I could manage my own expectations, but did so in a bad way.

Should I have not asked what I did when I did? We have been trying to share thoughts and feelings on situations more as they arise, rather then sitting on them. Am I wrong for wanting to start planning for the future? Is F being unreasonably upset or did I really overstep that badly? More importantly, what is the best way for us to smooth over this bump in the road so it doesn't cause any ripple effects between her and C? Just to reiterate, C and I get along great. Their relationship with F is not an issue.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Can you explain, in graphic terms, how them having sex will mean you can't do things in your usual way or whatever? I don't understand
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I was just about to ask the same. It can’t be disease-related if you are already inside of her. Could you elaborate, please? I can’t make sense of why you can’t have sex as normal.
 
Okay, just a guess but F is worried about C being able to taste OPs ejaculate.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Can you explain, in graphic terms, how them having sex will mean you can't do things in your usual way or whatever? I don't understand
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Them having sex doesn't stop us. She doesn't want me and her having sex recently be a show stopper for if they go to mess around. Evie had the correct answer. Sorry, I wrote that late last night and was trying to not be overly graphic.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Goodness me I think you're right.

@Poly wolf Well.. a lot of us shower between partners. I'd say most of us rarely have sex with two partners in the same day. Changing sheets is another thing most do.
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The bed isn't an issue, because we have a guest room. And them using our bed also wouldn't bother me. We are talking through how to handle it. Wife is talking about a 24 hour window of me not cumming in her prior to GG visits. And of course, showering.

The real issue is how I brought up and reacted to the situation, hurting my wife during what was meant to be a happy moment. I feel like I wasn't wrong to ask the questions I did, but she feels her happy memory is tainted now. Just trying to navigate those feelings.
 
 
Poly wolf said:
The bed isn't an issue, because we have a guest room, and them using our bed also wouldn't bother me. We are talking through how to handle it. Wie talks about a 24 hour window of me not cumming in her prior to GG visits, and of course, showering.

The real issue is how I brought up and reacted to the situation, hurting my wife during what was meant to be a happy moment. I feel like I wasn't wrong to ask the questions I did, but she feels her happy memory is tainted now. Just trying to navigate those feelings.
 
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Okay. I'm going to be blunt here, which is most unlike me.

I am talking from the experience of someone who has been involved with both group sex/swinging and polyamory where we date separately. You and your wife are doing the latter.

There are 2 things that could be going on here:

1) It's in your mind: you're just kind of repulsed at the thought of being in proximity to a penis/your partner having someone else's penis in her, so you are imagining that you can still smell/taste it.

2) Your wife isn't practicing the standard of hygiene that most people are, and that is why you can still genuinely taste and smell sex/cum on her.

I definitely wouldn't expect to have sex with any of my partners several hours after they had sex with another partner in a totally different "session," and still taste and smell it on them. They'd have showered in the meantime. And yes, I'd even think that way if someone had ejaculated inside of them.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Okay so I see I misunderstood the context but what I say still stands, this won't be an issue unless one dude imagines he can smell/taste it or she doesn't shower enough.
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You're still misunderstanding. OP is a man. OP's wife is a woman. OP's wife's girlfriend is a woman. This isn't about one man being able to taste another man's cum. It's about a lesbian being able to taste a man's cum on her female partner, who happens to be married to the man whose cum is potentially being tasted.

There is only one man in this scenario (OP), so no men are tasting other men's cum.
 
Your wife's girlfriend isn't into men, and doesn't want to taste/smell/deal with male ejaculate having been recently in her girlfriend's vagina. So now, you don't get to finish in your wife.

One of the agreements in my last r'ship was that we'd put 24 hours between sex with other partners and sex with each other. I honestly wanted that barrier not because of smells or fluids, but because I felt uncomfortable with another woman's sexual energy entering our lovemaking. Also, I'm not good at compartmentalizing, so I could have flashes of having been with one partner hours earlier come popping up in the middle of trying to get busy with someone else.

This agreement meant less sex with my partner, because we normally did it every day. Unfortunately, when dealing with multiple partners, sex between 2 consenting adults doesn't happen in a void.

Be honest if this is something that's going to cause some resentment in you. It's understandable that you might resent the fact that your ability to "fluid bond" with your wife is being affected. I definitely feel like that merits a discussion, and you are under zero obligation to walk on eggshells so your wife can enjoy her NRE la-la's.
 
ref2018 said:
You're still misunderstanding. OP is a man. OP's wife is a woman. OP's wife's girlfriend is a woman. This isn't about one man being able to taste another man's cum. It's about a lesbian being able to taste a man's cum on her female partner, who happens to be married to the man whose cum is potentially being tasted.

There is only one man in this scenario (OP), so no men are tasting other men's cum.
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Same thing. This won't be a thing if she showers.
 
ref2018 said:
You're still misunderstanding. OP is a man. OP's wife is a woman. OP's wife's girlfriend is a woman. This isn't about one man being able to taste another man's cum. It's about a lesbian being able to taste a man's cum on her female partner, who happens to be married to the man whose cum is potentially being tasted.

There is only one man in this scenario (OP), so no men are tasting other men's cum.
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This, thank you. I am really bad with words. At the time, I thought I had made it clear enough.

Really though, that situation was just the catalyst for our fight. The real problem revolves around how and when I brought up the topic of conversation. I felt justified in bringing up when I did. My wife is hurt that I would bring it up when she was trying to share general details about how her night/day with her girlfriend had gone. For her, it has tainted a good memory, making it into a bad one.

So, I guess I'm more looking for some outsider perspective on if I should have held off, or not. Should she be as upset as she is about the situation? Etc.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I see I misunderstood the context, but what I say still stands. This won't be an issue unless one dude imagines he can smell/taste it or she doesn't shower enough.
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So the issue isn't on my end as far as taste/smell goes. I can tell when she has been intimate with someone and it doesn't bother me. It's my wife not wanting to freak out/gross out her new partner. She can shower between, but that's not going to get rid of everything.

LoveBunny said:
Your wife's girlfriend isn't into men, and doesn't want to taste/smell/deal with male ejaculate having been recently in her girlfriend's vagina. So now, you don't get to finish in your wife.

One of the agreements in my last r'ship was that we'd put 24 hours between sex with other partners and sex with each other. I honestly wanted that barrier not because of smells or fluids, but because I felt uncomfortable with another woman's sexual energy entering our lovemaking. Also, I'm not good at compartmentalizing, so I could have flashes of having been with one partner hours earlier come popping up in the middle of trying to get busy with someone else.

This agreement meant less sex with my partner, because we normally did it every day. Unfortunately, when dealing with multiple partners, sex between 2 consenting adults doesn't happen in a void.

Be honest if this is something that's going to cause some resentment in you. It's understandable that you might resent the fact that your ability to "fluid bond" with your wife is being affected. I definitely feel like that merits a discussion, and you are under zero obligation to walk on eggshells so your wife can enjoy her NRE la-la's.
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We had talked about a 24 hour rule, and I agreed to give it a go, because I didn't want that to be a barrier for them to explore and grow their relationship. That is why I broached the subject when I did. I wanted to have a conversation about what that meant for us, going forward. Time proximity to the other being intimate with another partner has never been an issue for us. This is the first time it's come up.

I definitely wanted to have a conversation about it, but my wife felt the time was inappropriate, which is ultimately what caused the fight. I felt it was appropriate because it was relevant to the current situation and we have been working on sharing when we have thoughts or concerns about different situations.

I understand the desire for holding off on fluid bonding if the two of them are going to be intimate, but I wanted to know what that meant for us, moving forward, especially if the frequency of their time together picks up.

Currently, her girlfriend lives a couple hours away and has a chaotic schedule, so the only time the two can see each other is on the girlfriend's days off from work. But there have been talks about the girlfriend moving closer to us within threeish months. This would logically lead to a larger impact on my sex life with my wife, and our ability to fluid bond, something that even my wife has stated is extremely important to her.
 
This is a very interesting subject. I found, when I became poly and wanted to date both women and men, and non-binary or transpeople (back in 2009) that it was extremely difficult to find actual lesbians who would want to date me. They didn't want to date anyone who had possibly recently had a penis inside them. So, the fact that a lesbian is willing to have sex with your wife, as long as it's been 24 hours since she's had sex with you, is better than rejecting her altogether.
Poly wolf said:
This, thank you. I am really bad with words. At the time, I thought I had made it clear enough.

Really though, that situation was just the catalyst for our fight. The real problem revolves around how and when I brought up the topic of conversation. I felt justified in bringing up when I did. My wife is hurt that I would bring it up when she was trying to share general details about how her night/day with her girlfriend had gone. For her, it has tainted a good memory, making it into a bad one.

So, I guess I'm more looking for some outsider perspective on if I should have held off, or not. Should she be as upset as she is about the situation? Etc.
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I think you asked and said what you did out of a sincere need and desire to plan and work through things so everyone would benefit. I can see how you kind of popped your wife's NRE bubble and brought her back down from her pink lala cloud. I guess you could take under consideration when to broach rational subjects in the future. Just take it as a learning experience. Don't take your wife's emotions on too much. They are hers to deal with. You really have not spoiled her good memory of her first sex with the gf forever. That's just her feeling from being abruptly brought down to earth. Give her time to let that transition just fade a bit from her immediate memory.

That's my suggestion anyway.
Poly wolf said:
So the issue isn't on my end as far as taste/smell goes. I can tell when she has been intimate with someone and it doesn't bother me. It's my wife not wanting to freak out/gross out her new partner. She can shower between, but that's not going to get rid of everything.
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Who said that won't get rid of everything? Vaginas are self cleaning. After a shower and a few hours, all traces of semen should have worked their way out.

Don't let her think she needs to douche or something. Douching is really bad for the vagina's pH.
Poly wolf said:
We had talked about a 24-hour rule, and I agreed to give it a go, because I didn't want that to be a barrier for them to explore and grow their relationship. That is why I broached the subject when I did. I wanted to have a conversation about what that meant for us, going forward. Time proximity to the other being intimate with another partner has never been an issue for us. This is the first time it's come up.

I definitely wanted to have a conversation about it, but my wife felt the time was inappropriate, which is ultimately what caused the fight. I felt it was appropriate because it was relevant to the current situation and we have been working on sharing when we have thoughts or concerns about different situations.

I understand the desire for holding off on fluid bonding if the two of them are going to be intimate, but I wanted to know what that meant for us, moving forward, especially if the frequency of their time together picks up.
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It's really not that big of a deal. Acknowledge her feelings. She should also acknowledge yours. You can use Non-Violent Communication techniques, using "I statements." "I felt bad when you brought up plans for the future when I was all happy about my first sex." "I was just concerned for our future and wanted us to be on the same page. I meant no harm."

Both feelings are valid. Repeat back what the other said, so everyone feels heard.
Poly wolf said:
Currently, her girlfriend lives a couple hours away and has a chaotic schedule, so the only time the two can see each other is on the girlfriend's days off from work. But there have been talks about the girlfriend moving closer to us within threeish months. This would logically lead to a larger impact on my sex life with my wife, and our ability to fluid bond, something that even my wife has stated is extremely important to her.
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Is the gf planning to move closer just to be closer to your wife? They've barely started dating. There's no guarantee they are going to work out, so this may be getting the cart before the horse. Or was she planning on moving closer anyway?
 
I'm sorry this happened. I think you both have a shared responsibility in the situation.

Because of the timing of my question in general, and the comment that someone was going to be unhappy with the situation, F is upset with me. She feels like I took a happy moment for her and ruined it. Her first time with C is now tainted by me asking a negative question.
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I didn't read anything, so it seems neither one was clear on what the purpose of the conversation WAS before getting into it.

Was this just about sharing the rosy glow, and nothing "business"-related? Or was it a combo? Like rosy glow and business?

I think wife saying her first time was "ruined" or "tainted" is a bit much. And it isn't a "negative" question. It's just a question. Is she normally like that? Has big feelings and uses kind of dramatic words a lot?

Nothing really stopped her from saying, "Yeah, but can we do that later today or tomorrow? I just want to be in rosy glow mode right now."

As for you, I get wanting to sort things out. And I get that it's the first time she's dated someone solo in a long time. But perhaps you could ASK first? "Is this a good time to talk about X? Or is another time better?"

Overall, I don't think this is that big a deal to talk about. It's part of the reality of sharing sex with more than one partner. But if this was not just her first time with a new dating partner, but like her first time with a lady ever, I could see her having a lot to process right afterwards, and not being ready for "business" talk.

I also wonder if you are bumping into the "thinker-communicator" vs "feeler-communicator" thing? That can bump a lot.

Whatever the reason, bumps are going to happen in relationships. People are human. Neither of you seemed to have malicious intent.

I suggest taking time out on this topic, so cooler heads can prevail. Then talk about whatever you need to talk about. Both could accept that bumps sometimes happen. Apologize/resolve any conflict, and then let go and move on. Don't dwell.

Should I have not asked what I did, when I did? We have been trying to share thoughts and feelings on situations more as they arise, rather then sitting on them.
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Yes, but is there an expected time frame? Waiting until the weekend would not be "sitting on things," to me. Is it to you? Did it have to be THIS immediate?

Maybe you two want to listen to the RADAR episode and leave "business" for check-in times?

www.multiamory.com

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

Galagirl
 
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Poly wolf said:
The real problem revolves around how and when I brought up the topic of conversation. I felt justified in bringing up when I did. My wife is hurt that I would bring it up when she was trying to share general details about how her night/day with her girlfriend had gone. For her, it has tainted a good memory, making it into a bad one.
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I don’t believe that tainted her wonderful memory of their time together. She just didn’t want to discuss that so closely. She was riding a high and wanted to take that high as far as possible. Your question triggered her mind into a negative thought, something like: "How dare he ask that right now?" which made that high go away. She could have thought something more like: "Nothing can block this amazing high. Let him think what he wants. I’m going to bask in this a while and we can talk about that later."

That being said, your thoughts could have been part of a later conversation, say, 1-24 hours later. I don’t think you’d need a full 24 hours, that’s between you two, but separate, nonetheless.

Also consider that your head was probably spinning about this. That’s why you wanted to talk about it. In my experience, that’s the worst time, because you haven’t had time for emotions to disappear and really think objectively about it. I’ve been amazed at how I think differently about things when a little time is put between my reaction and the discussion. Time will usually change the energy and words used, which can make all the difference in the world when talking about how things will work in future situations like this.

She also could have taken what you said as you are unhappy with the current situation and need her to make you feel better, which, if that’s the case, then yes, that’s a shitty feeling. She might not have understood that you were super happy and excited for her. You both might want to discuss and learn the difference between direct and indirect communication. Not being on the same page with communication type can be a disaster, especially in poly.
 
Hello Poly wolf,

It sounds like F needs some space, it is okay to tell her that you hope she will forgive you, but after that just give her some space. I don't think she needs to mar the happy moment of sex with C by associating it with your negative question. But she needs to figure that out for herself. Just give her some time, and whatever space she needs.

I don't think you did anything that bad. Maybe we could say it was a judgment error your part, you certainly didn't mean to ruin the moment for her. I do think if she has some space she will figure some of this stuff out on her own.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
First I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond. It has been very helpful getting some outside perspective on the situation.

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It really will. And I'm saying that as a person who will go down on a woman who has sex with men.
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I'll plead ignorance on this one. It has never bothered me in the past when my wife has had solo encounters with other men. So I assumed the shower wasn't enough alone and the 24 hour rule was to make everything was gone.

This is a very interesting subject. I found, when I became poly and wanted to date both women and men, and non-binary or transpeople (back in 2009) that it was extremely difficult to find actual lesbians who would want to date me. They didn't want to date anyone who had possibly recently had a penis inside them. So, the fact that a lesbian is willing to have sex with your wife, as long as it's been 24 hours since she's had sex with you, is better than rejecting her altogether.

I think you asked and said what you did out of a sincere need and desire to plan and work through things so everyone would benefit. I can see how you kind of popped your wife's NRE bubble and brought her back down from her pink lala cloud. I guess you could take under consideration when to broach rational subjects in the future. Just take it as a learning experience. Don't take your wife's emotions on too much. They are hers to deal with. You really have not spoiled her good memory of her first sex with the gf forever. That's just her feeling from being abruptly brought down to earth. Give her time to let that transition just fade a bit from her immediate memory.
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Magdlyn said:
That's my suggestion anyway.

Who said that won't get rid of everything? Vaginas are self cleaning. After a shower and a few hours, all traces of semen should have worked their way out.

Don't let her think she needs to douche or something. Douching is really bad for the vagina's pH.

It's really not that big of a deal. Acknowledge her feelings. She should also acknowledge yours. You can use Non-Violent Communication techniques, using "I statements." "I felt bad when you brought up plans for the future when I was all happy about my first sex." "I was just concerned for our future and wanted us to be on the same page. I meant no harm."

Both feelings are valid. Repeat back what the other said, so everyone feels heard.

Is the gf planning to move closer just to be closer to your wife? They've barely started dating. There's no guarantee they are going to work out, so this may be getting the cart before the horse. Or was she planning on moving closer anyway?
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That's definitely been a hang-up for my wife dating any women. She went on a single date earlier this year with another lesbian who got drunk the next night and berated her in text for being married to a man. (The other woman knew about the situation prior to the date.) It's been extremely refreshing how open to the situation this new girl is. As far as I'm aware, the 24 hour rule was my wife's idea, not her new partner's.

Yeah, I realized after the fact that my timing was horrible, and have told her as much. We talked briefly about when bringing things up would be appropriate in the future and haven't really settled on anything other then "Not the same day". I didn't mean to pop the NRE bubble, for sure. For me, it's lesson learned, and try to do better next time, but my wife takes longer to move on from things like this.

Yeah, I plead ignorance, due to assuming the reason for the 24-hour rule. I definitely don't want her feeling like she has to douche, but again I don't have the issue with fluids.

We try to use "I statements" but are admittedly bad at it. Definitely something we need more practice with.

Yes and no, for the moving bit. She has to move, regardless, in 2-3 months, when her current contract is up. She gets to shop around and figure out where she wants to work next and has brought up moving closer to allow their relationship to continue. Even if they don't work out, the GF likes the general area, so she wouldn't regret the choice.

GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry this happened.

FWIW, I think you both have a shared responsibility in the situation making.

I didn't read anything so it seems neither one was clear on what the purpose of the conversation WAS before getting into it.

Was this just sharing rosy glow? Nothing "business?" Was this a combo? Like "rosy glow" and "business?"

I think wife saying her first time was "ruined" or "tainted" is a bit much. And it isn't a "negative" question. It's just a question.
Is she normally like that? Has big feelings and uses kind of dramatic words a lot?

Nothing really stopped her from saying "Yeah, but can we do that later today or tomorrow? I just want to be in rosy glow mode right now."

And you? I get wanting to sort things out. And I get that it's the first time she's dated someone solo in a long time. But perhaps ASK first? "Is this a good time to talk about X? Or is another time better?"

Overall I don't think this is that big a deal to talk about. It's part of the reality of sharing sex with more than one partner.

But if this was not just her first time with a new dating partner but like her first time with a lady ever? I could see her having a lot to process right after and not being ready for "business" talk.

I also wonder if you are bumping into the "thinker communicator" vs "feeler communicator" thing? That can bump a lot.

Whatever the reason? Bumps are going to happen in relationships. People are human. Neither seemed to have malicious intent here.

I suggest taking a time out on this topic so cooler heads can prevail. Then talk about whatever you need to talk about. Both could accept that bumps sometimes will happen. Apologize/resolve any conflict, and then let go and move on. Not dwell.



Yes, but is there an expected time frame? Waiting til the weekend -- that's not "sitting on things" to me. Is it to you? Did it have to be THIS immediate?

Maybe you two want to listen to the RADAR episode and leave "business" for check in times?

www.multiamory.com

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

Galagirl
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Thank you. It's refreshing to hear this wasn't just a me issue.

There was no clear discussion on our part about which way the convo was supposed to go and we clearly had different ideas about that. So this is a good takeaway, to make sure we are on the same page about what sort of convo it's meant to be before we start. She typically uses more emotive language when it involves her feelings. Whether the language is warranted or not isn't for me to judge. She just says how it feels to her in the moment.

You hit the nail on the head with the thinker vs feeler communicator concept. We rarely actually fight about things, but when we do, it's because we have very different outlooks on a situation/topic and then communicate past each other.

Could it have waited? Yes, at least until after she had finished sharing what she wanted to. In this specific situation, there wasn't much time to wait, due to her GF coming by again to spend Thanksgiving with us and some of our friends. She will be staying an extra day or so, and I wanted to manage expectations for the visit. Again, I could have found a better time to bring it up.

Thank you for resource recommendation. I'll take a look this week when I have some free time.
 
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