I don’t believe that tainted her wonderful memory of their time together. She just didn’t want to discuss that so closely. She was riding a high and wanted to take that high as far as possible. Your question triggered her mind into a negative thought, something like: "How dare he ask that right now?" which made that high go away. She could have thought something more like: "Nothing can block this amazing high. Let him think what he wants. I’m going to bask in this a while and we can talk about that later."
That being said, your thoughts could have been part of a later conversation, say, 1-24 hours later. I don’t think you’d need a full 24 hours, that’s between you two, but separate, nonetheless.
Also consider that your head was probably spinning about this. That’s why you wanted to talk about it. In my experience, that’s the worst time, because you haven’t had time for emotions to disappear and really think objectively about it. I’ve been amazed at how I think differently about things when a little time is put between my reaction and the discussion. Time will usually change the energy and words used, which can make all the difference in the world when talking about how things will work in future situations like this.
She also could have taken what you said as you are unhappy with the current situation and need her to make you feel better, which, if that’s the case, then yes, that’s a shitty feeling. She might not have understood that you were super happy and excited for her. You both might want to discuss and learn the difference between direct and indirect communication. Not being on the same page with communication type can be a disaster, especially in poly.
Tainted was her word, not mine. I don't feel like my question could/should have done that but eh, it's not my memory. so I have to take her word for it. Yup, proximity to the event seems to be the key issue at hand. I'll definitely work on waiting next time. I did try to have a convo about how long to wait in the future, to avoid this sort of situation, and only got a half answer of "Not right after," so it's something I will have to broach again.
I'll admit my emotions were high at the time. But it wasn't really a spur of the moment thought. It's something that had been on my mind for a while, basically since the original request was made for me to hold off on that for 24 hours prior. Waiting til my emotions died down may have helped the question come out a little better, but the overall sentiment would have remained unchanged.
After talking again briefly about it, she did say that was part of the issue. My thoughts were on the future, hers were on the present. So my comment about potential future unhappiness came off as present unhappiness.
Hello Poly wolf,
It sounds like F needs some space, it is okay to tell her that you hope she will forgive you, but after that just give her some space. I don't think she needs to mar the happy moment of sex with C by associating it with your negative question. But she needs to figure that out for herself. Just give her some time, and whatever space she needs.
I don't think you did anything that bad. Maybe we could say it was a judgment error your part, you certainly didn't mean to ruin the moment for her. I do think if she has some space she will figure some of this stuff out on her own.
Space is definitely warranted. The only problem with that is C is coming back here, Thursday-Saturday, for Thanksgiving. It will be awkward for all of us if my wife and I are barely communicating, and canceling at the last minute doesn't seem like a great idea.
I definitely agree it was a judgment issue on my part to ask how/when I did. Oh well, live and learn. I'll be giving her more time in the future after good events before talking about potential problems I see.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given me their insights. It's been very helpful in preventing me from doom spiraling. The common consensus seems to be that this was mostly a timing issue on my part, as well as just general poor communication between the two of us.