Issue caused by my wife's new relationship

Bobbi said:
I don’t believe that tainted her wonderful memory of their time together. She just didn’t want to discuss that so closely. She was riding a high and wanted to take that high as far as possible. Your question triggered her mind into a negative thought, something like: "How dare he ask that right now?" which made that high go away. She could have thought something more like: "Nothing can block this amazing high. Let him think what he wants. I’m going to bask in this a while and we can talk about that later."

That being said, your thoughts could have been part of a later conversation, say, 1-24 hours later. I don’t think you’d need a full 24 hours, that’s between you two, but separate, nonetheless.

Also consider that your head was probably spinning about this. That’s why you wanted to talk about it. In my experience, that’s the worst time, because you haven’t had time for emotions to disappear and really think objectively about it. I’ve been amazed at how I think differently about things when a little time is put between my reaction and the discussion. Time will usually change the energy and words used, which can make all the difference in the world when talking about how things will work in future situations like this.

She also could have taken what you said as you are unhappy with the current situation and need her to make you feel better, which, if that’s the case, then yes, that’s a shitty feeling. She might not have understood that you were super happy and excited for her. You both might want to discuss and learn the difference between direct and indirect communication. Not being on the same page with communication type can be a disaster, especially in poly.
Click to expand...

Tainted was her word, not mine. I don't feel like my question could/should have done that but eh, it's not my memory. so I have to take her word for it. Yup, proximity to the event seems to be the key issue at hand. I'll definitely work on waiting next time. I did try to have a convo about how long to wait in the future, to avoid this sort of situation, and only got a half answer of "Not right after," so it's something I will have to broach again.

I'll admit my emotions were high at the time. But it wasn't really a spur of the moment thought. It's something that had been on my mind for a while, basically since the original request was made for me to hold off on that for 24 hours prior. Waiting til my emotions died down may have helped the question come out a little better, but the overall sentiment would have remained unchanged.

After talking again briefly about it, she did say that was part of the issue. My thoughts were on the future, hers were on the present. So my comment about potential future unhappiness came off as present unhappiness.
kdt26417 said:
Hello Poly wolf,

It sounds like F needs some space, it is okay to tell her that you hope she will forgive you, but after that just give her some space. I don't think she needs to mar the happy moment of sex with C by associating it with your negative question. But she needs to figure that out for herself. Just give her some time, and whatever space she needs.

I don't think you did anything that bad. Maybe we could say it was a judgment error your part, you certainly didn't mean to ruin the moment for her. I do think if she has some space she will figure some of this stuff out on her own.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Space is definitely warranted. The only problem with that is C is coming back here, Thursday-Saturday, for Thanksgiving. It will be awkward for all of us if my wife and I are barely communicating, and canceling at the last minute doesn't seem like a great idea.

I definitely agree it was a judgment issue on my part to ask how/when I did. Oh well, live and learn. I'll be giving her more time in the future after good events before talking about potential problems I see.

Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given me their insights. It's been very helpful in preventing me from doom spiraling. The common consensus seems to be that this was mostly a timing issue on my part, as well as just general poor communication between the two of us.
 
Hi Poly wolf,

The timing with this situation isn't great, as Thanksgiving is upon you just when you need to give F some space. Keep in mind you do not need to be rude to F, you can still be polite and pleasant to her while still not inundating her with chit-chat or whatever. You are simply trying to give her some room, you are not trying to make a display of your own distress.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
From one point of view, this is a misunderstanding, not on the level of words, but on the level of feelings and expectation. If you and your wife sre generally very close and then suddenly you aren’t, these happen more easily. On this layer, you’re both involvend in empathising or not…

As a more biased oppinion, I find her expectations out of line. Not only does she expect you to be able to listen joyfully to her lovestory, does she also expect you to accept new conditions without questions?
Cant she bear the reality, that her choices affect you, and sometimes in ways you won’t like?

I don’t think you’re tainting you wife’s memory. That is in her power only. You could have accidentally ruined her mood in the moment by wanting to discuss the reslity of the situation, sure.

I in tune with each other, sure, you could have asked later. Or, she could have discussed that with you beforehand, not just ask during sex. Or, when you asked the question, she could have acknowledged your worry and asked to discuss it later to be able to enjoy the mood a bit longer.

But comming from one partner to another while in nre makes it quite difficult to be in tune - for both of you.
Next time, you might want to put a bigger gap between her date and any discussion and bonding in your couple, so that she can enjoy, arrive and settle to be really present with you. And, perhaps you might want to hear even less details.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Same thing. This won't be a thing if she showers.
Click to expand...
Not necessarily. I shower at least twice in between sex with men, and don't have sex with different men within 24 hours of each other, but if my male partner ejaculates in me, even with showering, the ejaculate can take up to two to three days to come back out (sorry for the TMI, but that's how it works with me), so I could taste/smell like that for a while. So I get the OP's concern about that.
 
Last edited:
Poly wolf said:
This, thank you. I am really bad with words. At the time, I thought I had made it clear enough.

Really though, that situation was just the catalyst for our fight. The real problem revolves around how and when I brought up the topic of conversation. I felt justified in bringing up when I did. My wife is hurt that I would bring it up when she was trying to share general details about how her night/day with her girlfriend had gone. For her, it has tainted a good memory, making it into a bad one.

So, I guess I'm more looking for some outsider perspective on if I should have held off, or not. Should she be as upset as she is about the situation? Etc.

So the issue isn't on my end as far as taste/smell goes. I can tell when she has been intimate with someone and it doesn't bother me. It's my wife not wanting to freak out/gross out her new partner. She can shower between, but that's not going to get rid of everything.



We had talked about a 24 hour rule, and I agreed to give it a go, because I didn't want that to be a barrier for them to explore and grow their relationship. That is why I broached the subject when I did. I wanted to have a conversation about what that meant for us, going forward. Time proximity to the other being intimate with another partner has never been an issue for us. This is the first time it's come up.

I definitely wanted to have a conversation about it, but my wife felt the time was inappropriate, which is ultimately what caused the fight. I felt it was appropriate because it was relevant to the current situation and we have been working on sharing when we have thoughts or concerns about different situations.

I understand the desire for holding off on fluid bonding if the two of them are going to be intimate, but I wanted to know what that meant for us, moving forward, especially if the frequency of their time together picks up.

Currently, her girlfriend lives a couple hours away and has a chaotic schedule, so the only time the two can see each other is on the girlfriend's days off from work. But there have been talks about the girlfriend moving closer to us within threeish months. This would logically lead to a larger impact on my sex life with my wife, and our ability to fluid bond, something that even my wife has stated is extremely important to her.
Click to expand...
My partner and I have both agreed that we will not have penetrative sex with another person 24hours or so before we have scheduled time together. We can do other sexually intimate things with that person in that day before though, so that other person will still enjoy intimacy with the one of us they are with. It's okay so far.
 
Not to be too explicit, but they do make explicit “clean out sponges”. Never tried them as it’s not really an issue between my partners, but google should be able to find them.
 
icesong said:
Not to be too explicit, but they do make explicit “clean out sponges”. Never tried them as it’s not really an issue between my partners, but google should be able to find them.
Click to expand...
Oh right. It need not be a sponge, the may sell "irrigators" in pharmacies.
 
WestCoastRedhead said:
My partner and I have both agreed that we will not have penetrative sex with another person 24hours or so before we have scheduled time together. We can do other sexually intimate things with that person in that day before though, so that other person will still enjoy intimacy with the one of us they are with. It's okay so far.
Click to expand...

So that's basically the system we are operating under now. I understand why my wife has asked for the 24 hour window and am more then willing to respect it under current conditions. Between the distance (more than 2 hour drive) and her GFs work schedule they have limited windows of opportunity. It would only become an issue if/when the GF moves closer.

The exact request was "Can we (me and wife) not have sex like that and have you cum in me the day before we (wife and GF) might be physical with each other I don't want to it to be weird and gross her out." If her GF moves closer and then can see each other on a whim instead of needing to plan it feels like this becomes a blanket request for no penetrative sex incase she ends up meeting with her GF. Obviously scheduling is an option but my wife has always been extremely spontaneous person and doesn't like the restrictions of a schedule.

WestCoastRedhead said:
Not necessarily. I shower at least twice in between sex with men, and don't have sex with different men within 24 hours of each other, but if my male partner ejaculates in me, even with showering, the ejaculate can take up to two to three days to come back out (sorry for the TMI, but that's how it works with me), so I could taste/smell like that for a while. So I get the OP's concern about that.
Click to expand...

Okay I feel a bit vindicated on this point now. Thank you for sharing.

Tinwen said:
From one point of view, this is a misunderstanding, not on the level of words, but on the level of feelings and expectation. If you and your wife sre generally very close and then suddenly you aren’t, these happen more easily. On this layer, you’re both involvend in empathising or not…

As a more biased oppinion, I find her expectations out of line. Not only does she expect you to be able to listen joyfully to her lovestory, does she also expect you to accept new conditions without questions? Cant she bear the reality, that her choices affect you, and sometimes in ways you won’t like?

I don’t think you’re tainting you wife’s memory. That is in her power only. You could have accidentally ruined her mood in the moment by wanting to discuss the reslity of the situation, sure.

I in tune with each other, sure, you could have asked later. Or, she could have discussed that with you beforehand, not just ask during sex. Or, when you asked the question, she could have acknowledged your worry and asked to discuss it later to be able to enjoy the mood a bit longer.

But comming from one partner to another while in nre makes it quite difficult to be in tune - for both of you.
Next time, you might want to put a bigger gap between her date and any discussion and bonding in your couple, so that she can enjoy, arrive and settle to be really present with you. And, perhaps you might want to hear even less details.
Click to expand...

Yeah, we went into that conversation with extremely different expectations. I was looking at it from the perspective of what does this mean for us, she was focused on just sharing about a positive experiance. We need to be clear with each other in the future about what sort of convo is right in that specific moment to make sure we are on the same page.

I don't see her expectation of just letting her share and enjoy the moment to be out of line. It doesn't seem like her issue is with me bringing up the subject. It was just how and when. I definitely plan on bringing it up again, so we will see if that shakes out. I think she fully understands that but just wasn't/isn't ready to address it.

I don't think it's fair to say I wmtainted it either, but that's atleast how she feels about it right now.

She's definitely deep in that NRE. I'll have to keep that in mind for future situations.
 
Semen is broken down and absorbed by the body within hours. That's the liquid that runs back out of you. The actual sperms can survive.

Sometimes women have a microbial imbalance in the vagina which means just the act of sex, especially with a penis, disrupts the flora and gives them a distinctive smell. BV is one of the things that you can get. Thrush another.

But really, no teaspoon of semen is running out of anyone days later. I don't want to embarrass anyone, but I think we need to be factual about sex.
 
Oh, I've had that gush of very thin liquid (that feels like a lot more than could have possibly gone in) at some random point usually within the next 6-12 hours (and usually while I'm walking), and that's with being perfectly healthy. But that can be avoided if wearing a sponge during sex. I'm sure there's other methods too that don't involve condoms or douches ("irrigators"). Same thing when I go swimming. I tend to wear a tampon for swimming even when not on my period.

I can see why a lesbian would be adverse to anything that might be reminiscent of male ejaculate coming from their female partner's body, and it's logical to ask about and take measures to keep both partners as happy has possible.

I also get that OPs main issue is the issue around the timing of the inquiry. I also agree along the lines of Bobbi's reply and that OPs wife has gone a bit overboard on her reaction to the question rather than just said, "let's discuss that later, right now I'd rather just share my happiness with you."

I'm also wondering if the wife had the consent of the gf to run through the details of the sexual experience with OP. I'm not a huge fan of disclosing details myself, but perhaps they had an agreement vastly different to how I operate.
 
Evie said:
I've had that gush of very thin liquid
Click to expand...
I watched this reel recently of women telling their boyfriends facts about their vagina. They'd record the fact on an audio clip and then watch as their bf listens to the fact. More than one person described the random squirt where you're just going along minding your own business and then you suddenly ejaculate for no reason at all.
 
I am extremely aware of all the different ways fluids can leave each part of my nether regions lol. But I've never understood the swimming one; how did the water stay up there for so long? How did it actually get up there given its not like it was deliberate in the way sex is?

I can also tell the difference between feeling fluid leave the vagina and the urethra, and I also know that when I sneeze too hard I squirt rather than pee. I've never had a gym orgasm (although there was a particular exercise in dance class when I was a youth that was worrisome at the time as it brought me close) or a random one in public.

And sometimes, at a regular point in my cycle, I can produce a lot more lubricant for zero reason and often quite quickly. It's uncomfortable. But it's also none of the above and it's purely me.

I can tell when the gush that leaves the vagina sometime post sex is still connected to the man because it has a similar odour to bulk bin wheat germ. After that happens, I know a shower will be enough that my next partner won't have a clue about my previous one.
 
Poly wolf said:
So that's basically the system we are operating under now. I understand why my wife has asked for the 24 hour window and am more then willing to respect it under current conditions. Between the distance (more than 2 hour drive) and her GFs work schedule they have limited windows of opportunity. It would only become an issue if/when the GF moves closer.

The exact request was "Can we (me and wife) not have sex like that and have you cum in me the day before we (wife and GF) might be physical with each other I don't want to it to be weird and gross her out." If her GF moves closer and then can see each other on a whim instead of needing to plan it feels like this becomes a blanket request for no penetrative sex incase she ends up meeting with her GF. Obviously scheduling is an option but my wife has always been extremely spontaneous person and doesn't like the restrictions of a schedule.
Click to expand...
Oh I see, this is a hypothetical! In case her gf ever moves closer, I don’t think your wife would agree to no penetrative sex either. I think you can trust that the agreement will be renegotiated at that point.

Don’t forget, at this hypothetical future time, she and her gf will be much further into their relationship. Perhaps there’s much less fear of “being grossed out” by then. Perhaps they (or even you) will feel free to discuss this with gf explicitly. Perhaps they’ll agree on one of the proposed hygienic solutions.

Sure, talk about hypotheticals, but really, I don’t think there’s too much concern to have now, and also no definitive decision has has to be made now.
 
Update for anyone who is still following, or stumbles across this later:

My wife's GF came to visit on Thanksgiving day and stayed 2 nights. Things were civil but tense between me and my wife. My wife kept distance between herself and her GF, not wanting to be affectionate with her, but not me. Things were fine between me and the GF. Other then eating delicious food, we all were just hanging out, talking about random things (nothing deep) and playing games.

The first night of the visit my wife, spent the night in our bed, not wanting to risk upsetting the delicate situation. Day 2 of the visit was similarly tense to day 1. Towards the end of the 2nd night, as people started showing signs of getting tired, I quietly asked my wife if we could talk privately for a moment. We talked about how each of us had been acting towards the other and how it was impacting the general situation, not to mention how it impacted things between her and her GF.

Part of the issue was how my wife was still upset about the convo we'd had that cast a negative light on what should have been a good memory. Trying to come up with a way to make that situation better, I suggested she go stay in the guest room with her GF and have her tell my wife about their first time. Get to see how happy she was with them having sex. Find out what her favorite parts were, etc.. Let the two of them just hang out together and connect of that experience. My wife didn't hate the idea, but said she would feel bad explaining why she wanted to have that talk.

At this point, I told her that all 3 of us should sit down and talk then, so we could discuss what had happened. To explain why the situation was so tense/awkward during the visit and to hash things out as a group. My wife went to ask if she wanted to/would be willing to sit down and talk. The GF was okay with it and we all sat on the bed and had a group talk.

TLDR: We assured the GF nothing she did was wrong and we didn't blame her for the fight we'd had. We explained the fight from both our points of view. The GF was relieved and understood why things felt the way they did. She thanked my wife for considering her feelings regarding not wanting to find any cum there, but told her to not let their relationship impact our dynamic. Just shower and let her know and she will judge her own comfort level in the moment. She understood my feelings 100% of how in the future if she were closer, that would have a big impact on how me and my wife have sex. We still plan on a 24-hour window for the time being, and have talked about other ways to make sex special during those windows. Talking it out felt good and all parties have agreed we will have talks like that going forward, when appropriate.

After the important part of the talk, we all just BSed some more. The overall mood was a lot brighter. Eventually, the two of them did go back to the guest room and spent the night together and had the talk I suggested. My wife feels better about the memory and has forgiven me for my unintentionally bad question. The two of us have since reconnected, as well. So all is good for now. :)

Thank everyone for the feedback and suggestions. It helped with processing my feelings and figuring out how to communicate them to my wife.
 
Nice to hear that, thanks for updating!
 
Hi Poly wolf,

Thanks for that update, it is encouraging to hear how well things turned out between the three of you. Your wife's girlfriend was really good about the whole thing. Glad your wife came around with forgiveness for you, it was just an error on your part, you certainly didn't mean to ruin her mood. Anyway, thanks for keeping us posted.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It’s amazing how quality communication makes all the difference. I’m glad you three got to have that talk together. Now you ALL are on the same page
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top