Jealousy advice needed

E

ellieH

New member
Brief background, my husband and I have been together for about three years. I knew that I wanted a poly relationship long before I met him but he hadn't wanted one until recently. Everything in regards to our poly relationship is great. Obviously, it's still new so we are still testing the waters, but we are communicating really well and I feel good about our decision.

That being said! My husband has this female friend. She's a part of my husbands' friend group in a loose sense. My experiences with her have been mostly negative and she has come off as self-centered, manipulative and vindictive. However, he's known her and from what I came to understand has been friends with her for longer than he's known me. I have tolerated the friendship because I know that I don't ever have to interact with her if I don't want to and I know that even if she tried to break up our marriage it wouldn't work.

Recently, however, I have started to feel extreme jealousy when it comes to her. It all started when I found out that my husband has feelings for her, feelings that he assures me he would never act on. This hasn't made me feel better about them spending time with each other. I keep wracking my brain as to why I'm jealous of her but not of the girl he's been dating, or of any other female friends that he has that I know he has a crush on.

Why is it just this girl? My husband knows that I don't like her, and I'm not sure what he would do if I asked him to stop talking to her but it doesn't seem fair for me to ask that of him when I don't think he would ever actually do anything. He also knows that their friendship makes me slightly uncomfortable now that I know he has feelings for her.

Am I being crazy? I really just want some help talking through this and figuring out why I am so bothered by her and what I can do to stop feeling threatened by their friendship.
 
Why is it just this girl? My husband knows that I don't like her, and I'm not sure what he would do if I asked him to stop talking to her but it doesn't seem fair for me to ask that of him when I don't think he would ever actually do anything.
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It sounds like you need him to reassure you that he wouldn't take up dating a person you find so distasteful. (Possibly because doing so would make you lose respect for him.)

I suggest you stop evaluating what is "fair and not fair." You are not a mind reader. Neither is he. IF you want to know something, you have to ask.

I think it IS fair to ask things. Because he is free to choose. He can respond or not respond.

I think it IS fair to make requests. Because he is free to choose. He is free to say say "yes" or "no" or suggest another way to solve whatever it is you request.

Have you and your husband talked about "messy people?" People who are not worth dating because of the potential mess it would make?

Ex:
  • Your parents, sister, brother, etc.
  • Your boss or coworker
  • Your roomie or landlord
  • Your minister, coach, teacher, etc.
  • People who have serious problems with the law, addictions, etc.

There are enough people in the world to poly-date without going right for the "messy ones." Figure out who those people are and agree not to date each other's "messy people " ahead of time.

Sounds like this iffy friend is one of the messy people for you.

Galagirl
 
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I've never heard the term 'messy' people before but I like it. We have discussed it and we have a list of 'messy people' and I have told him that if given the chance to date her I wouldn't be okay with it and he assures me that he doesn't actually want anything to happen and would never pursue anything with her.

For whatever reason even though he has told me all of this (We had a long discussion after he told me his feelings for her) I still feel uncomfortable with their friendship.
 
For whatever reason even though he has told me all of this (We had a long discussion after he told me his feelings for her) I still feel uncomfortable with their friendship.
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Well, in that sense nothing changed then. It's not like you were wild about their friendship in the first place. Now? Still not wild about it.

You guys might want to talk about what is "news" and what is not news, what is TMI, and what is not TMI. I get wanting to be transparent with a spouse. But maybe you don't need to know EVERYTHING. Some detaching and disentangling might be needed.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Like how he has crush feelings on this friend. Since it isn't going to go anywhere? Why bother you with that data? For what purpose?

For instance, I don't care to know every little hug, kiss, or whatnot. I prefer my spouse tell me a relationship is looking to go lover and is getting serious. But don't tell me every little thing. I find that annoying. I don't want to be "processing" all the time. I cannot be his one and only listener either.

You guys have to figure out where your own communication balance lies. How much is enough sharing? And how much is oversharing?

Galagirl
 
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I think it's pretty clear cut that the reason you feel so uncomfortable and "jealous" of your partnet's friendship with THIS particular woman is that you've mostly had negative experiences with her, and find her "self-centred, manipulative and vindictive" - in your own words.

Put another way, I believe your feelings about this woman are not so much "jealousy", but rather, that you don't trust her.

I'm not sure what she has said or done for you to conclude that she is manipulative etc., but I do think you'd be wise to listen to your inner voice here. Clearly, you're not a naturally jealous or possessive person if you have no issue with the other women in your partner's life.
 
Hello ellieH,

It sounds like your jealousy reaction has something to do with the kind of person this woman is. Like, you see your husband getting emotionally closer to her, and this makes you nervous. Like her hooks are sinking in. You know he would never do anything with her ... or would he? Is he entirely himself when he is around her? Does she have the power to influence him, or will she in the future? What does it mean, the fact that he now has feelings for her? whereas he didn't before? There's something ominous about that, even if you can't quite put your finger on it.

You probably feel like you want to ask your husband to stop seeing her, or at least start seeing her less, but at the same time you don't want to be telling him what to do, you want to trust him. And you do trust him, it's her you don't trust. I get that.

If you're willing, keep us posted as your situation evolves.
With regards,
Kevin T.
 
ellieH said:
Recently, however, I have started to feel extreme jealousy when it comes to her. It all started when I found out that my husband has feelings for her, feelings that he assures me he would never act on. This hasn't made me feel better about them spending time with each other. I keep wracking my brain as to why I'm jealous of her but not of the girl he's been dating, or of any other female friends that he has that I know he has a crush on.
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Just to be clear they are not dating and are hanging out as friends or with other friends correct ???

To me it sounds like you dont trust your husband or you think hes too weak or too easliy swayed to allow something to happen when he said it wouldnt.

Is there something in your history or his history that supports this kind of behavoir ?
 
GalaGirl said:
Well, in that sense nothing changed then. It's not like you were wild about their friendship in the first place. Now? Still not wild about it.

You guys might want to talk about what is "news" and what is not news, what is TMI, and what is not TMI. I get wanting to be transparent with a spouse. But maybe you don't need to know EVERYTHING...

Like how he has crush feelings on this friend. Since it isn't going to go anywhere? Why bother you with that data? For what purpose?

For instance, I don't care to know every little hug, kiss, or whatnot. I prefer my spouse tell me a relationship is looking to go lover and is getting serious. But don't tell me every little thing. I find that annoying. I don't want to be "processing" all the time. I cannot be his one and only listener either.

You guys have to figure out where your own communication balance lies. How much is enough sharing? And how much is oversharing?

Galagirl
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I very much agree with this transparency Vs relevant information. Think of the number or volume of other conversations with other people that dont make the “ news” because of relevancy.


Gala :
I was always under the impression you husband was mono and that your marriage was close while raising a child/ children ....has that changed ??
 
Yes, things change. Went from 6 elders needing care to 3 since some of them died. The last kid started HS. So it's not as stressful like it was in 2012 when I first joined here. Now could call our agreement more like "Open but not looking."

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Yes, things change. Went from 6 elders needing care to 3 since some of them died. The last kid started HS. So it's not as stressful like it was in 2012 when I first joined here. Now could call our agreement more like "Open but not looking."

Galagirl
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Wow ...i didnt know you were running your own nursing home i thought it was just your dad and the related dealing with your mom. Sorry for you loss/ losses unless thats more of a blessing. And congratulations on the new updated status 😁👍. I get here so sporatically i miss stuff like this. Have you discussed these changes ....and specifically your mono husband throwing his hat in the poly ring?
 
Thank you for the condolences. It's been mixed feelings for those who have passed. A loss in the sense that I'll miss them, but at the same time a sense of relief there is less people to have to help out/provide care for.

This isn't anything "new changes" to my spouse. He's not esp monogamous. He's monoamorous. We agreed it was Closed during the thick of kidcare/eldercare with the idea that we'd renegotiate something else when the pressure was less. Pressure is now less, but not zero. Hence "Open but not looking." If someone special happens to come along for either side, alright. Where before when things were worse and way stressful it would have been "No, thanks! Not more people in the mix to have to attend to. There is no room here!"

EllieH -- I don't want to hijack your thread. It's been a few days. Are you feeling any better?

Galagirl
 
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