Is polyamory by choice or not?

J

JapinaTricycle

New member
Is being polyamorous by choice or not?

I'm still very new to polyamory...

Before even asking about the concept of consensuality, I wonder if there are people here who believe that polyamory is something not considerable as a choice.

Wikipedia, and some other sites describe polyamory as a "desire to form new intimate relationships", but has any of you ever considered it as a need rather than just a choice?

More like a sexual orientation? LGBT-P+?

According to my recent observations on the forum, there seems to be two types of poly people:
-those who are poly by choice
-those who are poly because they are
 
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I wouldn't go so far as to put it in the same category as sexual orientation. I do know I am definitely not wired for monogamy and polyamory is my preferred form of non-monogamy.
 
I can go without seeking out new people to find connections, but if I stumble across one... Well, I am useless at walking away. If there is attraction, I'm going to follow that as far as it goes. It may wane quickly if the person isn't a good match, it may have to be severed somewhere down the line if that person is an unhealthy match, it may move through NRE and into a long term friendship, right now I haven't had concurrent long term committed relationships as the one I attempted turned unhealthy after about 4 months. I severed it after about 5 and a half.
Do I have a choice?...
Do I believe in free will? Not precisely.
I do think we have a modicum of free won't. We can go off our intended path, but we always get called back.
 
If by 'polyamory' you mean the ability to fall in love with two people simultaneously, I think this is pretty common to the human race, so much that it's ridiculous to have a separate name for it.

If by 'polyamory' you mean acting on those feelings, it's always a choice to act on what we feel. Always.

I think by slapping a label on a feeling or desire and calling it an 'orientation,' we are claiming that people really have no choice--they have a desire therefore they must act on it. No, I don't believe polyamory is an 'orientation.'
 
In my opinion, even if you are hardwired to be non-monogamous at a genetic level, that doesn't excuse you from responsibility to act ethically if you want to call yourself poly, and it doesn't mean anyone else is obliged to participate in a poly relationship with you.
 
I think that even though poly relationships/situations are more compelling or desirable to some people than others, in the end it is a choice to act on that desire. I don't think it's the same as sexual orientation. Personally I've been in a situation where I was in a monogamous relationship while crushing on other people all the time, but I stayed within the limits of that relationship and didn't find it particularly hard most of the time. And then I've also been in a polyamorous situation while feeling like a monogamous (or -ish) situation would suit me better. So I guess I don't feel particularly hard-wired either way, for me my preference depends on the situation and the people involved. I'm quite happy to negotiate each relationship in ways that fit the particular desires of the people involved.
 
I believe that for some, myself included, polyamory is a hard-wired romantic orientation. (Whether romantic attraction even is an orientation is sometimes debated, but given that people say things like "I'm asexual but heteroromantic" or "I'm aromantic," I would say romantic orientation is a thing.) For me, living monogamously never fit right, and I've felt far more myself since starting polyamory.

That said, however, even with sexual orientation, *acting on it* is always a choice. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or something else, whether you're poly or mono, you do have the power to choose to act in a way that's counter to that orientation. Look at the numerous homosexual people who have lived in straight marriages either because they couldn't admit to themselves that they weren't straight, didn't realize they weren't straight, or were afraid to let other people find out. Or just take a few minutes to count how many threads on this forum are along the lines of "I've been in monogamous relationships all my life, but they never felt right, and now I realize I'm poly," or look at how many people who consider themselves poly are living in monogamous relationships because they're afraid to bring up polyamory or they've brought it up but their partner refuses to consider it.

Acting/living in accordance with your hard-wired orientation might occur because it seems like the only *valid* choice, but it is humanly possible to live counter to that orientation. It just isn't usually pleasant trying to do so.

With polyamory, things get a little blurry because there are people who don't consider themselves to be hard-wired poly, they just engage in poly relationships because they want to, because it sounds good, because they think it's more "evolved," because their partner is poly, etc. On the other hand, I've personally known two women who identified as straight but engaged in same-sex relationships, in one case because "it's more feminist" and in the other case because "I get more sex if I'm willing to fuck women as well as men." So polyamory isn't the only thing that can be blurry.

Who you *are* is not, in my opinion, a choice. But what you *do* is.
 
JapinaTricycle said:
According to my recent observations on the forum, there seems to be two types of poly people:
-those who are poly by choice
-those who are poly because they are
Click to expand...

Based on the responses so far, I'd say you are correct. :) It seems that there are people who couldn't be happy romantically without being poly and then there are people who could take it or leave it - just depends on the situation whether they're choosing a poly relationship or not.
 
Hi JapinaTricycle,

I'd say there's a slider between "choice" and "orientation." That is, some people are poly by choice, some by orientation, and some fall somewhere in between, it's kind of a choice, but it's also an orientation to a certain extent.

As mentioned by others here, even if you are totally poly-by-orientation, you still have a choice about whether you live polyamorously. It might make you miserable to live monogamously, but you can still do it. And some people do.

And something I have heard about orientation, is that for some people at least, your orientation can change over the years. You might start out as mono-by-orientation, then evolve into a polyamorous person, just as one example.

So it's not the same for everyone, I guess is what I'm saying.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Nonmonogamy might be a propensity, from some combination of genetics & familial modeling & community/culture.

Polyamory is a choice.

I don't believe that individuals are polyamorous. Polyamory is more an ethical system, maybe a worldview. Someone might behave in a manner that a knowledgable observer would say was polyamorous.

A grasp of that ethical system is something that should be demonstrable & verifiable. It is not enough to merely agree with a statement: "polyamory sounds like a great idea" or "I'm certain I'd do well at living polyamorously." Polyamory is in some ways like flying a helicopter: wishing for it is far insufficient to actually pilot an aircraft.

An individual isn't properly "poly" until at least once demonstrating the ability to successfully maintain two or more intimate relationships.

A person can maybe be said to be living in a polyamorous fashion. To stretch it a bit further, a given intimate network might be said to be polyamorous.
 
It is definitely not a choice for me.

When I was younger, before I discovered that polyamory was an option, that there were others out there like me, I was a serial monogamist, of sorts. I feel stifled in monogamous relationships. I get annoyed, frustrated, I feel unfulfilled and empty. It's an orientation for me - just like being gay is my sexual orientation, being polyamorous is my relationship orientation.
 
KC43 said:
That said, however, even with sexual orientation, *acting on it* is always a choice. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or something else, whether you're poly or mono, you do have the power to choose to act in a way that's counter to that orientation. Look at the numerous homosexual people who have lived in straight marriages either because they couldn't admit to themselves that they weren't straight, didn't realize they weren't straight, or were afraid to let other people find out. Or just take a few minutes to count how many threads on this forum are along the lines of "I've been in monogamous relationships all my life, but they never felt right, and now I realize I'm poly," or look at how many people who consider themselves poly are living in monogamous relationships because they're afraid to bring up polyamory or they've brought it up but their partner refuses to consider it.

Acting/living in accordance with your hard-wired orientation might occur because it seems like the only *valid* choice, but it is humanly possible to live counter to that orientation. It just isn't usually pleasant trying to do so.
Click to expand...

Thanks for that, because I can totally relate to what you're describing here.

So if Polyamory is only the act, is there a name for the kind of orientation?
 
Nope, not yet, not in any common use, poly tends to describe both. Even if some members don't agree with that use.

I am poly.
I am not currently in any concurrent serious relationships. Nor is hubby. Although we both have been.
I have a number of fuzzy space relationships, somewhere more than friends, less than committed relationships, sometimes with sex, sometimes without, all with deep emotional support if it gets drawn on, often just fun catch ups.
We make it up as we go along.
 
KC43 said:
I believe that for some, myself included, polyamory is a hard-wired romantic orientation. (Whether romantic attraction even is an orientation is sometimes debated, but given that people say things like "I'm asexual but heteroromantic" or "I'm aromantic," I would say romantic orientation is a thing.) For me, living monogamously never fit right, and I've felt far more myself since starting polyamory.

That said, however, even with sexual orientation, *acting on it* is always a choice. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or something else, whether you're poly or mono, you do have the power to choose to act in a way that's counter to that orientation. Look at the numerous homosexual people who have lived in straight marriages either because they couldn't admit to themselves that they weren't straight, didn't realize they weren't straight, or were afraid to let other people find out. Or just take a few minutes to count how many threads on this forum are along the lines of "I've been in monogamous relationships all my life, but they never felt right, and now I realize I'm poly," or look at how many people who consider themselves poly are living in monogamous relationships because they're afraid to bring up polyamory or they've brought it up but their partner refuses to consider it.

Acting/living in accordance with your hard-wired orientation might occur because it seems like the only *valid* choice, but it is humanly possible to live counter to that orientation. It just isn't usually pleasant trying to do so.

With polyamory, things get a little blurry because there are people who don't consider themselves to be hard-wired poly, they just engage in poly relationships because they want to, because it sounds good, because they think it's more "evolved," because their partner is poly, etc. On the other hand, I've personally known two women who identified as straight but engaged in same-sex relationships, in one case because "it's more feminist" and in the other case because "I get more sex if I'm willing to fuck women as well as men." So polyamory isn't the only thing that can be blurry.

Who you *are* is not, in my opinion, a choice. But what you *do* is.
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While what you say is true, it is also true that the sort of brute forcing of gay people in straight marriages, etc is the reason our community has such a high suicide rate, and why so-called "conversion therapy" is often responsible for said suicides. So, IMO, it might be a choice, but it is a result of society's compulsory heterosexuality/heteronormativity, and is therefore much less valid, and in many cases, downright dangerous. I am sure the same could be said of poly people going mono, but that has yet to be studied.
 
I will always be poly... Meaning I can have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.

Doesn't mean I have to be in multiple relationships.

I can be and have been monogamous or solo for years at a time.
 
JapinaTricycle said:
Thanks for that, because I can totally relate to what you're describing here.

So if Polyamory is only the act, is there a name for the kind of orientation?
Click to expand...

Some people just call it being human. I am one of those people who think poly is innate in all humans. We have been taught that monogamy is the way to go, but it is against our nature.
 
PurpleSun said:
While what you say is true, it is also true that the sort of brute forcing of gay people in straight marriages, etc is the reason our community has such a high suicide rate, and why so-called "conversion therapy" is often responsible for said suicides. So, IMO, it might be a choice, but it is a result of society's compulsory heterosexuality/heteronormativity, and is therefore much less valid, and in many cases, downright dangerous. I am sure the same could be said of poly people going mono, but that has yet to be studied.
Click to expand...

I doubt if it is as intense for most poly people. I certainly feel no pressure to remain hidden as I would if I was gay.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I doubt if it is as intense for most poly people. I certainly feel no pressure to remain hidden as I would if I was gay.
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I don't think you can speak for "most poly people." Since you are a straight male, walking down the street with a woman on each arm would get you plaudits. If you were a woman between 2 men, or in a V of 3 men, or, or, things would be different.

Adding a queer factor makes a difference. And a woman with 2 men, she'd be a slut, and the men would be castigated as lacking balls, to be able to share one woman.
 
Magdlyn said:
I don't think you can speak for "most poly people." Since you are a straight male, walking down the street with a woman on each arm would get you plaudits. If you were a woman between 2 men, or in a V of 3 men, or, or, things would be different.

Adding a queer factor makes a difference. And a woman with 2 men, she'd be a slut, and the men would be castigated as lacking balls, to be able to share one woman.
Click to expand...

Yeah, so that makes me a womanizer in some people's eyes. I don't think you can speak for men at all.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I doubt if it is as intense for most poly people. I certainly feel no pressure to remain hidden as I would if I was gay.
Click to expand...

Maybe everyone is different. I'm also a member of 5 minority groups living in the deep south, so discrimination is the story of my life, so I am sure that, along with a gay bashing back in 2004, shapes my feelings here.

I do know that monogamous relationships make me just as miserable as I'd be if I tried to be straight.

But the reason for that comment was the suggestion that gay people can simply choose to be in straight marriages, and that doing so is merely "unpleasant." That is the furthest thing ever from the truth, and it is a dangerous line to spout.
 
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