Long time poly, first time jealous

S

sm17

New member
Hello all. I've been in a poly/mono marriage for 10 years. My husband is accepting and supportive of what I feel is more than my "lifestyle" choice but actually my sexual/relationship identity - polyamorous. We live in a small town, and my options for finding a paramour here have been limited in the extreme. Last year, I finally found someone who is well suited to me and who is mature and kind. However he does not identify as poly, and ultimately does not want to be poly. He and I have had to break up over this, but we still have deep feelings for one another, and have been trying to forge a friendship. He recently started dating someone else. I have felt intense jealousy and despair over this - my first time with these feelings. Because my paramour (ex-paramour?) is not versed in the poly world, he is stumbling in his attempts to be caring about my emotions - he is trying, but it's clear the other woman is quickly taking primacy without much conversation with me. Of course this is natural, but I am sad that he/they seem to assume I'll be okay every step of their way, without any need to check in with me. They are simply thinking like newly crushed out monogamous people. I understand and don't fault them, however I still feel hurt because we have such different frameworks for approaching relationships.

Anyway, my point is this is my first intense experience with jealousy, even though I've been on the other side engaging in relationships outside my marriage for years. I feel like a newbie on the jealousy front! I'm reaching out here for simple emotional support about how hard jealousy is and how it can happen even if one thinks of oneself as well-versed in poly. I guess I could use a bit of tenderness. In losing my paramour to what will eventually be a monogamous relationship (that's what he is ultimately seeking; he won't remain committed to being lovers with me) I feel that I am losing my last chance at living my true self in my small town. It's very painful. Thank you in advance for any supportive words.
 
I'm confused. You say you and your paramour have broken up, but the rest of your post implies that you and he are still together. If you've broken up and are trying to be friends, then you and he are no longer in a relationship.

If you and he are no longer in a relationship--and some would say even if you were--he and his new partner are under no obligation to consider your feelings. It would be nice if they did, but how you feel about their relationship isn't their responsibility. You being "okay" (or not) with their relationship isn't a factor. If you and he were still in a relationship and had agreements about how to handle either of you having a new partner that included check-ins about your emotions, then you would have a reason to expect that he would check in. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Friends don't ask friends "Hey, are you okay about me dating this person?" Sometimes even *partners* don't ask each other that question. You aren't part of their relationship. Your feelings about their relationship aren't relevant to that relationship. So if they're in a relationship, and you and he are not (which, again, you say straight out that you've broken up), they have absolutely zero reason to ask you how you're feeling about it, and absolutely zero responsibility to you.

All of that said, jealousy is an emotion, and all emotions are acceptable and valid. You feel how you feel, and it's okay to feel that way, because we don't control our emotions. We control our *reactions* to those emotions and those reactions may or may not be acceptable. If you feel jealous, and your reaction is to talk to other people and try to find ways to manage the jealousy, that's all good. But if your reaction is to try to make your ex-paramour and his new partner responsible for your emotions...not so good.

Again, jealousy is an emotion. Emotions happen, and they're valid. The amount of experience you have with polyamory doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you feel jealousy, because one is a factual, logical thing, and the other is an emotion, and emotions don't always match facts and logic. It is okay that you *feel* this way. It is okay that you *wish* your paramour would talk to you about how you're feeling. It is definitely okay to feel pain over the loss of your relationship and your belief that you will now have to go back to not being your authentic self. All of those things are okay to feel, and you're far from the only poly person who has had to deal with such emotions.
 
sm17 said:
They are simply thinking like newly crushed out monogamous people.
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This is what they are. That's why you broke up in the first place.

You may consider taking a break from seeing him to make some space for your own grief. I hope you'll be better soon.
 
Thank you, KC43 and Tinwen, for your responses. In reading them I realized I didn't accurately convey the situation - my paramour and I were engaged in conversations about becoming lovers again when he started dating this other person. He himself was/is a bit in denial about the fact that he is dating her - he keeps saying they are "just friends" but it's obviously otherwise. So I am responding emotionally because we had this grey zone between us.

What I am gleaning from both of your responses is that some healthy boundary setting is in order.

KC43, I have some different opinions about caring for friends' feelings, and the responsibilities between friends and between lovers. Especially in the situation I'm in. But I do appreciate you responding.

Tinwen, you are right to call it grief - thank you for validating that. It helps me embrace it and move through/on...
 
sm17 said:
KC43, I have some different opinions about caring for friends' feelings, and the responsibilities between friends and between lovers. Especially in the situation I'm in. But I do appreciate you responding.
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For what it is worth, sm17, I suspect you and I may possibly be in agreement in framing these matters differently than KC43. (I say possibly, because I'm not sure how you would frame your difference here. I simply know that you're not in agreement with KC43.)

KC43 said, "I'm confused. You say you and your paramour have broken up, but the rest of your post implies that you and he are still together. If you've broken up and are trying to be friends, then you and he are no longer in a relationship."

It may seem like picking nits, but I use the word "relationship" quite differently than KC43. To me, a friendship is a kind of relationship, even though it may not be a "romantic" relationship. And, to me, romantic relationships, by virtue of their distinctness from platonic relationships, are not by any means more valuable, important, meaningful..., than platonic friendships. There is no need for value ranking, with romantic relationships trumping platonic ones. And such ranking can result in a great deal of hurt.

In transitioning from a romantic to a platonic friendship, both parties do owe it to one another to continue to offer the kindnesses we generally expect from friends. These are not trivial matters. These kindnesses are, e.g., empathetic / compassionate listening, caring for one another's well-being, including emotional well-being, etc.

"Owe it to one another" is perhaps not the best way of putting it, though. But I don't have better words ready at hand for the moment. I think there are great problems in stating ethical and aesthetic (or ethico-aesthetic) values in terms of obligations, exclusively. But our culture has been so long steeped and saturated in obligation talk that we have only an atrophied language and imagination and practices outside of that frame.
 
River, yes! You get it exactly. Thank you so much for your compassionate words. That helps me immensely just to feel heard. I have much love for all the people in this situation: my friend/paramour and his new squeeze (who is also a friend of mine). This alternate world which I've been trying to help create in which the kinds of nonranking and compassionate encounters happen is also a bit of uncharted territory, including challenges to find language and effective communication, and manage the inherent emotions. I appreciate the community you offer via your words.
 
sm17 said:
I feel that I am losing my last chance at living my true self in my small town. It's very painful. Thank you in advance for any supportive words.
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How small a town is it? I'm curious. I live in a relatively small and someone isolated city, but there are perhaps a hundred thousand people comprising the city together with its its rural outskirts and nearby villages. So it's not tiny. But polyamory does seem to be more an option for folks living in big cities. It appears to be quite rare where I live, anyway.

But I would not want to live in a big city. It's just not my style.

The odds may not be great in either your case or mine, but I think we should keep our minds and hearts open to possibilities. Statistical probability may not be the only "force" at work here(?).
 
"The odds may not be great in either your case or mine, but I think we should keep our minds and hearts open to possibilities. Statistical probability may not be the only "force" at work here(?). "

Absolutely the best attitude to take, thanks! And indeed I am meeting more people interested in ENM and poly here in my town of 25K (!!!) So small, but so lovely in the Rocky Mountains.

I was having a low hope moment but you remind me to take the long view.
 
sm17 said:
River, yes! You get it exactly. Thank you so much for your compassionate words. That helps me immensely just to feel heard. I have much love for all the people in this situation: my friend/paramour and his new squeeze (who is also a friend of mine). This alternate world which I've been trying to help create in which the kinds of nonranking and compassionate encounters happen is also a bit of uncharted territory, including challenges to find language and effective communication, and manage the inherent emotions. I appreciate the community you offer via your words.
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Yes. Language is tricky here. Any time we perceive, think and feel differently from convention and "the mainstream" we're likely to find it challenging to express what we perceive, feel and know.

Anyway, I'm accepting your appreciation and reflecting it back atcha. We are not alone.
 
sm17 said:
"The odds may not be great in either your case or mine, but I think we should keep our minds and hearts open to possibilities. Statistical probability may not be the only "force" at work here(?). "

Absolutely the best attitude to take, thanks! And indeed I am meeting more people interested in ENM and poly here in my town of 25K (!!!) So small, but so lovely in the Rocky Mountains.

I was having a low hope moment but you remind me to take the long view.
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What is ENM? (Edit: Oh, Ethical non-monogamy --Right?)

I'm curious to know where in the Rocky Mountains you live. If you don't want to share that info here, please tell me in a private message, if you are so willing. (I live right at the very Southern end of the Rockies, in Santa Fe.
 
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Hello sm17,

It sounds like your relationship with your paramour is in limbo right now. Like, you don't know if you are broken up or not. And you are really hoping to get back together with him, because he is (seemingly) your last and best chance to live polyamorously in your small town. And the other woman he is dating is ruining that for you, because she is monogamous and that makes her more attractive to him. And because he is monogamous, there's only room for one woman in his life, so it's going to be you or her. It's no wonder if you feel threatened by her, because she really is a threat! Not that she means to be a threat, but she is by definition.

I am assuming that there are no bigger towns within driving distance, is that right? and I assume that moving to a bigger town/city is not an option for you? So you are kind of stuck. It would be nice if you could find a poly man, or at least a more-poly-friendly man. I don't know if OKCupid would be helpful for you? I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
And because he is monogamous, there's only room for one woman in his life, so it's going to be you or her. It's no wonder if you feel threatened by her, because she really is a threat! Not that she means to be a threat, but she is by definition.
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sm17 can speak for herself, but it seems to me that she's doing all she can not to experience "his new squeeze" as a threat. Here's why:

sm17 said:
.... I have much love for all the people in this situation: my friend/paramour and his new squeeze (who is also a friend of mine).
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Added emphasis mine.

Clearly, sm17 is seeking to remain a friend with both of these people. This is clearly a challenge under these circumstances. But I think it's a challenge she us up to. I hope both of her friends are equally up to that challenge.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

my paramour and I were engaged in conversations about becoming lovers again when he started dating this other person. He himself was/is a bit in denial about the fact that he is dating her - he keeps saying they are "just friends" but it's obviously otherwise. So I am responding emotionally because we had this grey zone between us.
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So you and your non-poly ex were talking about getting back together. Which does not sound good to me because you are poly and he is not. Already know you two are NOT compatible.

And now on top of that, he's dating a new person. And you are having a hard time watching that unfold. He has his new relationship to buoy him up from break up grief/sadness. You do not.

What I am gleaning from both of your responses is that some healthy boundary setting is in order.
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I think for both your sakes? You could tell him that NO. You are not going to get back together. Just not compatible for that. You two are def broken up.

And YES you want to be friends eventually, but for right now, you need some time on your own to heal, and he needs some time on his own to heal and develop his new potential relationship without his most recent ex hanging about.

So go no-contact or low-contact for a month or two, so you each create some closure about the old thing you both shared. And THEN try to build this new thing called "Friends" from a clean slate later on.

I think you are piling too many things on top of each other rather than spacing them out. Like not really honoring each phase.

Not honoring the parting and actually spending some time PARTED. Because you seem to talk about getting back together even though its not a runner. That could be "stages of grief" talking there.... but still. Not actually being parted.

Then him not honoring that he is, in fact, dating a new potential.

Then you not honoring your own need for space away from watching that.

Spread the things out. Honor each separate thing in turn before trying to start the new "be friends" thing.

Galagirl
 
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