Pre-grieving a theoretical separation

[Lucille3]

Please help, I do not know where to turn, and I’m drowning.

My husband of almost a decade just came out as poly. He says he had these feelings all along, but I didn’t get how serious they were. Now he has fallen in love with another person and it feels like everything is collapsing around me. I love him with every bit of my soul and desperately wish I could be ok with this but I’m just not. I don’t mind infatuation, but him falling in love and wanting a sexual relationship with another is crushing. I listen to him talk about other loves because I know he needs to, but I collapse as soon as I have a private moment. We are in couples therapy and I’m really honesty giving it my all to understand but the truth is that I know I can’t accept it. Non monogamy (with a physical component) is really a dealbreaker for me even though I don’t want to admit it. If restraining his sexuality is a non negotiable for him as well, then we’re at an impasse. I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but I just don’t see a win win situation. I feel like I am already steeling myself for divorce and it’s killing me. Even that thought causes me so much pain that I become physically ill. I don’t know how to keep going. Life has lost meaning and I am just empty.

 

[sexyserb]

Lucille
So your husband, who has had these feelings for years has just very conveniently come out to you as poly AFTER he has already developed a relationship that it sounds like you were clueless about until recently. So to start with if that’s the case no he has entered an affair either emotional or physical and like many has “discovered” he is poly to justify his actions and to convince you to be agreeable. No I don’t know that for a fact but if he already has a potential partner this is not the “ethical” non monogamy that us espoused so enthusiastically here.
My guess here is that most of the more responsible people here will also tell you that you are allowed not to have any part of this if you choose not to .You cannot control him and as you said he appears to be determined to do this and you are miserable.
That is not a recipe for success. So unfortunately it appears you either twist yourself into an emotional knot, which it appears you are trying , or you tell him his is free to do whatever he wants but not as your husband. He’s in love with another woman before you get the truth. In most forums that would be called cheating.
Now so far all we know is he wants to have other women. Many men who bully their wives into non monogamy do a quick reversal if the wife gives him a dose of his own medicine. I’m just stating this but not suggesting you do anything that conflicts with you moral compass, but what tour Romeo husband probably is clueless about is that should you choose to accept his poky offer you will easily find more boyfriends than he can count and if his true love fizzles out with his girlfriend he will be sitting home watching tv more often than not while you are on dates.
You are the only one that can solve this. You can read all the books and they will tell you unless you have a complete change of heart your chances of this working are not great. And why should you be miserable.

 

[FallenAngelina]

My husband of almost a decade just came out as poly. He says he had these feelings all along, but I didn’t get how serious they were. Now he has fallen in love with another person ....

It's clear that you are not interested in polyamory in any way, shape or form, so just know from the outset that you can't read enough or get educated enough to make your heart OK with what it is not. This may usher in a painful separation, but you would also avoid an excruciating attempt to live with a soul crushing situation. I don't think you're pre-grieving. I think you're assessing a situation, clarifying what you can and can't live with, and feeling the emotions of both options.

I question whether your husband is poly or whether he merely has had feelings for other women all along during your marriage. "Coming out as poly" is very different than coming forward and admitting that his heart was never all in during your marriage. Many people come to this forum in crisis, one of the partners having just "come out" as poly. When the story unfolds, it often turns out that nobody was poly, they just did not have the heart to fully disclose how part of them was not fully invested. "Poly" becomes a soft transition from one monogamous pairing to another.

Very few of us transition our of a marriage without having conflicted feelings. Many people experience love for two people at once during a time of transition. Divorce and separation are usually fraught with inner turmoil about wanting two people or two situations at once. Being unsure and torn are typical feelings. This is not polyamory. Polyamory is first and foremost the honest and transparent ongoing love for more than one person. Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not ipso facto polyamory. Many people can do this and they have affairs or not so hidden lovers. Polyamory is not just having feelings for people besides your wife, it is either the inclination or the choice to live honestly and openly (to those concerned) with ongoing multiple romantic relationships. Coming clean about having had feelings for other women and coming out as poly are two very different things. I am not sure that your husband has been fully honest with you or even himself about his emotional investment in your marriage.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I'm not clear on some of it.

My husband of almost a decade just came out as poly. He says he had these feelings all along, but I didn’t get how serious they were.

He told you he was poly before marriage? And you guys got married anyway even though you are not into that?

Was the compromise that you would listen to his thoughts and feelings so it was Open enough for him and he didn't have to hide parts of himself, and he would remain Closed with you so it was monogamous enough for you? And now that's changing because he wants to see other people?

If that is the case? Then you guys are no longer compatible. There's no way around that.

We are in couples therapy and I’m really honesty giving it my all to understand but the truth is that I know I can’t accept it. Non monogamy (with a physical component) is really a dealbreaker for me even though I don’t want to admit it.

I think it would be best and kindest on all of you if you said so quietly but firmly in therapy. That you get other people want this relationship model, but poly is not the relationship model YOU want for your romances/life. If he wants to date other people, then this is a deal breaker for you. You guys are not compatible as romantic partners.

And that the conversations in therapy needs to change to (supporting you guys through a peaceful divorce and dealing with grief).

When is your next session?

I feel like I am already steeling myself for divorce and it’s killing me.

Well, this is anticipatory grief. Could some individual sessions help support you better with that part of it?

Even that thought causes me so much pain that I become physically ill. I don’t know how to keep going. Life has lost meaning and I am just empty.

Totally understandable. Divorce is is second only to the death of spouse on the stress scale. This is BIG stress for you!

I would encourage you to set up some individual counseling appointments to help you grieve appropriately and help you figure out what you want for a peaceful divorce and what you want for a new life after.

If up til now you made your life's meaning to be about your marriage and serving and loving spouse? It's ok to feel thrown all wonky when you realize that this chapter of your life with this person is coming to an end. And you don't know what you want your next chapter to be yet. Maybe this person will remain in your subsequent life as a good ex and friend. But they can no longer be spouse person.

Please try to take care of yourself. Part of that is speaking your truth, if even at a whisper. If you are going to linger anywhere, linger in the healing space. Don't linger in the "dragging it out" space because you don't speak up. That does not serve you well, it does not serve husband well, and really it does not serve the marriage well. The last loving act of a marriage could be a peaceful parting.

No amount of education will change a fundamental difference like (he wants to date more people) and (you want Closed/monogamy). It is not fun, and it is not easy. But do the honest talking you need to be doing right now in therapy. Maybe even print it out as a letter for the therapist to read out loud if you saying it out loud it too hard.

Lean INTO it and talk. Don't lean away/run away from this.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Lucille3,

I am sorry that you are caught in such an awful situation. I can't tell if your husband ever told you about poly before this, and it probably doesn't even matter. The bottom line here is that he wants one thing (poly), and you want the opposite (mono). You need the opposite. And there is nothing wrong with needing that, there is nothing wrong with monogamy. Polyamory is just something different, it is neither better nor worse. Polyamory is not for everyone. It seems to me that poly is not for you. I would say give it a year, see if you feel differently, but the sound of your post is that this will never change for you, you will always be exclusively monogamous. And that is okay.

It doesn't sound like your husband is going to change either, he is always going to want poly. Which is also okay, but it means that you and he are probably headed for a divorce. I know that's the last thing in the world that you want, and I think that on some level you already know that's where things are headed. Hence your pre-grieving of, not a theoretical separation, but an imminent separation, it is going to happen. Sooner would actually better. Rather than attempting to stay together while at least one of you is totally unhappy and there is probably resentment toward the other. You know right now that you are incompatible, even if it's just because of this one thing. You know that this one thing is a deal breaker, at least for you. And even if you could get him to do mono, he'd probably resent you from then on. That's not good for any marriage.

Normally I don't recommend divorce, I only do in this case because I honestly believe you and your husband have irreconcilable differences. At the most I think you could give couples therapy a few more months to see if either of you budges on your mono/poly positions. But don't wait so long that you can't divorce amicably. Try to at least salvage a friendhip out of all of this.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Lucille3]

Thank you!

I appreciate all your responses, more than you’ll ever know. I’m writing this from a hospital cafeteria since after crying all night and during work today, I left early and drove to the nearest ER. I was afraid of my own mind and actually sat in the parking lot for hours. I didn’t have the courage to check in, but I called a crisis hotline and now the immediate feelings are gone. I’ll be hanging around the hospital for a bit just to make sure I’m really ok before going home. I really think your answers helped save me, just knowing that strangers on the internet care.

To clarify, he never said the word polyamory before marriage. He did tell me (early in the relationship) that he sometimes had crushes on people but sometimes didn’t. I said that was fine (which it was) since I thought that was simply like a high school crush: minor, fleeting, relatively insignificant. I even said I had a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch. Over the years, I suspect that he was struggling to understand his own feelings and didn’t mean to hide anything from me, he was just figuring it out for himself. Some part of me is angry and irrationally believes he was lying, but logically, I think he didn’t know if he was truly poly or just going through something strange. As crushed as I am, I love him and can’t fault him for finally understanding his true sexuality and who he is.

I know he loves me deeply as well and is doing his best to reassure me of that. He has said that for now he can restrain his desire to be physical with the other love, but that probably won’t be ok forever. I don’t want him to resent me or feel like I’m giving him an ultimatum. That’s not at all my intent. It’s almost harder that we both are deeply in love with each other.

I’m making my own therapy appointments and am trying to convince myself to not think ahead. Whatever comes out in couples counseling will come slowly since it’s a long process.

 

[lunabunny]

I appreciate all your responses, more than you’ll ever know. I’m writing this from a hospital cafeteria since after crying all night and during work today, I left early and drove to the nearest ER. I was afraid of my own mind and actually sat in the parking lot for hours. I didn’t have the courage to check in, but I called a crisis hotline and now the immediate feelings are gone. I’ll be hanging around the hospital for a bit just to make sure I’m really ok before going home. I really think your answers helped save me, just knowing that strangers on the internet care.


I’m making my own therapy appointments and am trying to convince myself to not think ahead. Whatever comes out in couples counseling will come slowly since it’s a long process.

Lucille, I'm glad you decided to post on this forum. The support, opinions and advice of people here has certainly helped me a lot.

Mid-way through last year, my own confusion, insecurity and jealousy surrounding my experience of polyamory led to a breakdown and depression, which eventually saw me contacting a crisis helpline in much the same way you described above.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in struggling with the idea of a partner's polyamory (or one's own) - especially if you've been blindsided by a partner's disclosure after many years together. Your mental/emotional and physical health is of paramount importance, and making sure you're in a "safe" place is crucial.

Likewise, I'm glad to hear you're seeking therapy in order to figure out how you really feel about the situation. In many cases, therapy is a vital component in addressing the challenges inherent in polyamory and learning to deal with any negative feelings that may arise.

 

[zigzag]

I’m making my own therapy appointments and am trying to convince myself to not think ahead. Whatever comes out in couples counseling will come slowly since it’s a long process.

Hi Lucille3, I'm sorry to hear how upset you are and hope you can find a solution from what is clearly a very difficult situation. But firstly you MUST look after yourself first and foremost. If you don't look after yourself you won't be able to look after anyone else or properly deal with the issues you need to address.

So, in the immediate future I think you should get some professional help as soon as possible. I don't know how soon you will get the therapy you have planned and I don't know where you are from, and what your healthcare arrangements are, but as you have today needed to call a crisis line and try to go to ER I think you should go and see your family doctor, general practitioner or equivalent now, immediately, today. Tell her or him what is happening and how you are feeling. (it will be in confidence). I also strongly suggest you talk to a nearby close friend or relative too, as soon as possible, about this so you can get some physical support too.

As someone who has ignored crisis in the past and ended up worse take it from me, the sooner you get some support (even if that is initially just medication to help you get through the day) the better.

Take care.
x