Feeling All the Feels

[MsEmotional]

I think that's the sort of thing that can be overcome though. I quick follow-up convo where you say, "hey, I notice that you hesitated the other night when I said you were perfect, and I'd like to clarify what I meant." but then also use that as an opportunity to describe how you talk to partners. Basically let him know that you saying things like that doesn't necessarily mean that you think he's your soulmate and they're not meant to be these huge grandiose sentiments, even if they might sound like it to him. So if that is a concern of his, then he can relax. And if he does wonder if anything that you've said is that... then he can always ask about it later. That you don't expect him to say something big in response.

Hopefully there will be less of those sort of mix-ups as you continue to interact and get to know each other. But that is often just part of learning how to effectively communicate with a new person.

Yeah maybe. I really need to work on my insecurity. I feel like I project confidence but don’t actually feel it.

I really like myself, it’s just hard for me to read the body language of others in order to know if they like me too. And so when a situation is ambiguous like this, I vacillate wildly between telling myself, “You are awesome, so why is it so hard to believe that this person sees that too?” and “I’m a fool. They obviously don’t like me. They are just being nice and I am just being naive.”

 

[MsEmotional]

I’m so tired. Ponytail and I finally had our therapy appointment. It was okay, but it was also kind of a little awful....okay because I thought the therapist was decent, awful because I am annoyed with ponytail.

First of all, Ponytail was already upset before we even got there. This frustrated me because I felt like we had been waiting 3 weeks for this appointment and throughout that time he has said that he was excited about it and looking forward to it. But on the day itself I was still enthusiastic but he was anxious from the get-go.

When we got there, I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and was feeling frazzled by all that and frustrated because I felt like Ponytail had gotten off without needing to do any of the work associated with this appointment — AND couldn’t even muster the energy to be positive about it.

So we get into the room and meet the therapist. Lots more signatures, etc. Finally we get down to the conversation and he asks what brought us in. I offer that Ponytail can explain, but he says he’s not sure what to say and so I explain the situation in an nutshell. The therapist then asks Ponytail some questions. Ponytail answers really slowly (which drives me a little nuts because the appointment is already flying by and I have been practicing for 3 weeks what I intend to say) and tells the therapist that his questions are too vague and so the therapist keeps needing to restate them in more specific terms. When the therapist comes up with the 3 main goals of our therapy and asks how we feel about them, I say that they sound like an accurate assessment of our needs and Ponytail says, “maybe....I’m not sure.”

Overall, while I recognize that Ponytail was feeling overwhelmed and anxious, i found it really difficult to not be annoyed and frustrated by him. It felt like he was being evasive and trying to get out of his responsibility in therapy.

When we left, I still was trying to stay positive. Ponytail was really quiet and upset. I felt like I couldn’t just ignore the fact that he was upset, but I also knew that if I asked what was going on, I would just get more frustrated. He expressed that he felt like the “solution” was just that he would have to “feel bad until he didn’t feel bad anymore.” As I expected, this did annoy me — it felt like he was twisting the therapist’s words and having a pity party for himself instead of proactively engaging with me in coming to a solution.

We have our next appointment on Monday, so only 4 days from now. I’m just feeling hopeless.

 

[MsEmotional]

I feel like shit

Ponytail and I talked again yesterday. It was awful. We cried. And cried. And there were moments of clarity. And there were moments of so much pain and confusion.

I feel like I am torturing him.

The idea of breaking up with me is too painful for him to do. But the idea of staying wirh me while I am dating Whiskers (or anyone else) is too painful to bear.

Today in a text message, he flat out told me that he felt like I don’t care about him and that I lied to him about being willing to consider a closed V in order to keep him around. It hurts so much to hear that. I can see how it feels that way. But i don’t feel like it is true. I love him so much. I want to be with him. I want him to be happy being with me. And yes, I threw out the idea of closing the V in a desperate attempt to keep him — but I wasn’t lying. I was just unaware of what I was and was not willing to give. It was a mistake.

And honestly? it is hard not to offer that again. I imagine seeing Whiskers and I can’t imagine being happy with “choosing” him “over” Ponytail. Sometimes I feel like, “what the hell am I doing? If Whiskers weren’t in the picture, would I be comfortable with a temporary closing of the relationship so that Ponytail and I can work on this?” Yes. But do I feel comfortable making a decision like that when there is a real person who I would have to cut ties with? No.

I keep feeling haunted by he situation with Laptop. Is this what he felt like when Giraffe told him not to have sex with me? Did he feel the way about me that I feel about Whiskers? A sense of “this might be what I want, but I don’t know yet and it is hard to take a stand for what I want when there is someone else that I would lose.”

I feel like I have strong opinions that Laptop made the ethically-wrong decision by choosing Giraffe’s ultimatum over me. But was the decision itself wrong? Or was it just the fact that he wasn’t honest about it? Is it, in fact, okay to acquiesce to one partner’s demands even if it means cutting ties with a potential? I feel like that is treating people as less than human. I don’t want to treat Whiskers as disposable. Even if I am not as close to him. Even if I don’t love him the way that I love Ponytail. The idea that I would cut him off in order to prioritize working on my relationship with Ponytail feels unethical to me.

But in 2 or 3 months, how will I feel? If everything with Whiskers is just a flash in the pan, will I regret losing Ponytail over a fling? Or will I be grateful that I stuck to my ethics even though it meant losing someone I love?

 

[Magdlyn]

I think you could reframe your dilemma. I don't think you're choosing Whiskers over Ponytail. I think you're choosing to honor YOURSELF first, before anyone.

You are poly, Ponytail isn't. He also isn't polyfriendly. He also wants kids and you don't.

Many people have pointed out these disconnects to you. Yet you're still imagining you are purposely hurting or disrespecting or even negating Ponytail and his true needs and desires, by simply having your own needs and desires which are different from his.

You're acting on your poly nature, in appreciating Whiskers and wanting to be with him. You're also acting on your poly nature by still caring about Ponytail despite your frustrations with him.

You'd probably be more loving to Ponytail by cutting him loose. Not that you're doing it to choose Whiskers over him. You're doing it so he can have freedom from the torture of loving and trying to make it work with a woman who isn't right for him. You're doing it so you can honor and respect yourself and your own nature and desires and needs.

Yes, he'd be upset. But he's already upset. You're both between a rock and a hard place. As GG would say, both situations stink. Choose the slightly less stinky one. Not everyone who is at first compatible is long term compatible.

I tortured my ex h (and myself) by staying with him while trying to be in a hetero mono relationship when I was bisexual and poly. Yes, he was upset when we split. Yes, he cried to me on the day we went to court to finalize our divorce. But he got over it: he's been with a mono gf for 10 years now. They love each other. I know they have some problems, whatever. At least they are both mono and straight. No one is bending themselves into pretzels trying to be something they aren't, thinking they are benefiting their partner, when the partner can sense they are faking it, and is never happy anyway.

 

[MsEmotional]

I think you could reframe your dilemma. I don't think you're choosing Whiskers over Ponytail. I think you're choosing to honor YOURSELF first, before anyone.

You are poly, Ponytail isn't. He also isn't polyfriendly. He also wants kids and you don't.

Many people have pointed out these disconnects to you. Yet you're still imagining you are purposely hurting or disrespecting or even negating Ponytail and his true needs and desires, by simply having your own needs and desires which are different from his.

You're acting on your poly nature, in appreciating Whiskers and wanting to be with him. You're also acting on your poly nature by still caring about Ponytail despite your frustrations with him.

You'd probably be more loving to Ponytail by cutting him loose. Not that you're doing it to choose Whiskers over him. You're doing it so he can have freedom from the torture of loving and trying to make it work with a woman who isn't right for him. You're doing it so you can honor and respect yourself and your own nature and desires and needs.

Yes, he'd be upset. But he's already upset. You're both between a rock and a hard place. As GG would say, both situations stink. Choose the slightly less stinky one. Not everyone who is at first compatible is long term compatible.

I tortured my ex h (and myself) by staying with him while trying to be in a hetero mono relationship when I was bisexual and poly. Yes, he was upset when we split. Yes, he cried to me on the day we went to court to finalize our divorce. But he got over it: he's been with a mono gf for 10 years now. They love each other. I know they have some problems, whatever. At least they are both mono and straight. No one is bending themselves into pretzels trying to be something they aren't, thinking they are benefiting their partner, when the partner can sense they are faking it, and is never happy anyway.

Thank you. I need to be told this.

 

[GalaGirl]

The idea of breaking up with me is too painful for him to do. But the idea of staying wirh me while I am dating Whiskers (or anyone else) is too painful to bear.

If both choices involve pain? Then both involve pain. When all choices stink, you pick the LEAST stinky.

Breaking up is pain with a chance to heal so the pain STOPS.

Staying with you when he's not really poly and he wants kids and cannot have them with you? It's pain with no end in sight. It doesn't let him move on to his healing or move on to his wants. It keeps him in the painful place.

I think you could cut Ponytail loose. He wanted to break up and you talked him into therapy. Breaking up stinks, but it stinks less. I think you could have let it end. So end it now.

Not because you are picking Whiskers over Ponytail, but because you are setting Ponytail free from suffering.

Also setting yourself free from suffering -- because you get very angsty/upset with all this.

I think it's the best thing to do so you guys can stop doing "lather, rinse, repeat" circles on this.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

I want him to be happy being with me.

Do you want him to be happy, or happy with you? What if happy with you is not an option?

Picture his life going forward 2-3 years from now staying with you. Picture his life 2-3 years ahead after breaking up with him. What happens? Is there a good chance he'll be happier in either option?
Do the same with your life. Does the relationship with Ponytail matter 2, 3, 5 years from now?

I imagine seeing Whiskers and I can’t imagine being happy with “choosing” him “over” Ponytail. Sometimes I feel like, “what the hell am I doing? If Whiskers weren’t in the picture, would I be comfortable with a temporary closing of the relationship so that Ponytail and I can work on this?” Yes. But do I feel comfortable making a decision like that when there is a real person who I would have to cut ties with? No. ...

Is it, in fact, okay to acquiesce to one partner’s demands even if it means cutting ties with a potential? I feel like that is treating people as less than human. I don’t want to treat Whiskers as disposable.

I don't think cutting people loose because you chose to accommodate and existing partner is wrong, if you do it because it's the better choice for yourself and them in the long run. After all, taking someone as a partner is often an act of choosing one man over other. That's not unethical, that's life.

But. As has been pointed out, you're not choosing Whiskers over Ponytail. You're choosing to stay in the box that Ponytail wants you to stay in, or not. You can love him a whole lot, and still decide not to stay in the box.

I think you could cut Ponytail loose. He wanted to break up and you talked him into therapy. Breaking up stinks, but it stinks less. I think you could have let it end. So end it now.
Not because you are picking Whiskers over Ponytail, but because you are setting Ponytail free from suffering.

Very often, I don't agree with GalaGirl encouraging people to break up, but this time I do.
Ponytail is quite obviously out of integrity in the relationship with you. It's causing strain. Don't make it harder for him to get into alignment again - facilitate it.

 

[MsEmotional]

Do you want him to be happy, or happy with you? What if happy with you is not an option?

Picture his life going forward 2-3 years from now staying with you. Picture his life 2-3 years ahead after breaking up with him. What happens? Is there a good chance he'll be happier in either option?
Do the same with your life. Does the relationship with Ponytail matter 2, 3, 5 years from now?

I think yes, and this is why it is so hard. When I picture my life 5 years from now, Ponytail is there — playing board games with me, going on vacations with us, embarrassing my kids at parent night.

And when I picture our lives after breaking up? It’s just an empty black hole in my imagination. Ponytail had never been in love before me. (At least this is the hypotheses of both of our therapists for why he was fine wirh non-monogamy until he met me.....he had never had a relationship in which he wanted to be with just one person.) So while I think it is entirely possible that Ponytail will find an amazing mono person to spend the rest of his life with, it feels like there are no guarantees that that will happen. What seems more likely is that he will go back to his old dating habits — falling into relationships in which there is tolerance but no love, or into relationships in which there is active abuse.

It’s hard to imagine Ponytail being better off without me. I know that probably sounds conceited. It’s not impossible, but it isn’t within my imagination based on his prior experiences. I just don’t have the imagination skills....

 

[Tinwen]

It’s hard to imagine Ponytail being better off without me. I know that probably sounds conceited. It’s not impossible, but it isn’t within my imagination based on his prior experiences.

I see.

Ok. Not everyone can easily find a new relationship.

I'll just say it's hard to not learn from a relationship and a breakup.

Don't forget to factor that in

 

[GalaGirl]

When I picture my life 5 years from now, Ponytail is there — playing board games with me, going on vacations with us, embarrassing my kids at parent night.

And this can still be had if you both want this. As FRIENDS.

Ending the romance part doesn't mean you have to exit each other's lives if you both want to remain in them. It just means letting the difficult part that isn't meshing go.

Perhaps the therapy can help you both arrive at a place where you can better consider and imagine that. A future where you remain on good terms and are close family friends and can still be doing the board games and vacations. But not being romantic partners.

You both are hurting so much right now.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Galagirl

 

[MsEmotional]

And this can still be had if you both want this. As FRIENDS.

Ending the romance part doesn't mean you have to exit each other's lives if you both want to remain in them. It just means letting the difficult part that isn't meshing go.

Perhaps the therapy can help you both arrive at a place where you can better consider and imagine that. A future where you remain on good terms and are close family friends and can still be doing the board games and vacations. But not being romantic partners.

You both are hurting so much right now.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Galagirl

Thank you. Reading this made me burst into tears (it’s okay, I’ve been crying on and off all weekend...) but it feels like I have some hope.

It’s hard to imagine being friends with someone I have loved so much and felt such a strong romantic and sexual connection to. It seems like it will be so painful of a transition — how does one even handle a transition from codependency to friendship? But that is where I want us to focus our therapy.

 

[breathemusic]

Thank you. Reading this made me burst into tears (it’s okay, I’ve been crying on and off all weekend...) but it feels like I have some hope.

It’s hard to imagine being friends with someone I have loved so much and felt such a strong romantic and sexual connection to. It seems like it will be so painful of a transition — how does one even handle a transition from codependency to friendship? But that is where I want us to focus our therapy.

Honestly? A no contact period for however long it takes. As you are seeing.... the constant exposure to Ponytail during this period of just talking and seeing if things can work out is keeping the wounds open and fresh. You can't heal when you're always around each other, talking, interacting, etc. If you end things, and I honestly think you should, then you really need a break from each other. Many people opt for a month, but given how serious your connection is, I'd say you probably need much more than that.

As for the imagining things in 5 years.... you described a scenario in which Ponytail is there and playing board games with YOUR family. You described YOUR ideal scenario for YOU... not what HE wants in 5 years. What he would want in 5 years is to be playing in a park with you and his kids, and you wouldn't have any other partners (ok, maybe still Glasses, but definitely not anyone else besides that), and he wouldn't have any other partners, and you and he would live together somehow, etc. But that's not what you described.... because what YOU see for him, and what HE wants for himself are not the same thing. So consider that and think about whether that's really fair to him.

As to what you see in 5 years without him? You don't see a possibility because you are sad with grief, but you found ponytail, you found Whiskers, so logic stands to reason that you can find more people like that again. Same for Ponytail. And sure, maybe he's never loved anyone else before the way he loved you, but at least now he has a better understanding of what he wants, and what good relationships look like, and what makes him unhappy. And if he can't find that with someone else, that's not your fault. And also, that's not really a reason to expect him to stay with you, or for him to settle for less than what he wants. No one ever knows if they'll ultimately find what they're looking for, but he's not old. He's still relatively young and has time to find what he's looking for. And frankly, I think he needs to continue to seek out therapy on his own to better figure out how to establish and maintain his own boundaries, and have a better understanding and confidence in what he does want. Maybe if he knew those things better, he'd actually be better at finding them.

 

[Magdlyn]

...maybe he's never loved anyone else before the way he loved you, but at least now he has a better understanding of what he wants, and what good relationships look like, and what makes him unhappy. And if he can't find that with someone else, that's not your fault.

And also, that's not really a reason to expect him to stay with you, or for him to settle for less than what he wants. No one ever knows if they'll ultimately find what they're looking for, but he's not old. He's still relatively young and has time to find what he's looking for.

breathesmusic, I don't know what you consider old, but I broke up a 30 year long relationship/marriage when I was 54. I knew I could do better. I didn't give a crap, finally, that I was "old," I needed to either live on my own, or let love happen with others.

And it did! I met Pixi within 3 months of breaking up with my husband. I've met and dated so many others and had so many fresh educational and exciting adventures with them also.

You're never too old (unless you're extremely ill) to start again. To learn how to relate better, to turn a new page and start a new chapter.

(And men can get someone pregnant well into old age, if it comes to that.)

Ponytail has only been in abusive or neglectful relationships? That's not on you, MsEmotional. If he thinks he deserves nothing better, that's what he'll get. He is selling himself short now, with you. It's self abuse, in a way, to be hanging on to you when you can't give him the monogamy and children he really wants.

I really benefited from therapy, to strengthen and empower me to get out of my marriage. I went weekly for about 2 years, then twice a month for a while, finally once a month, totaling 3 years. Your most loving behavior would be to set him free, cut him loose, offer him the therapy option, and let him go for that. Go no contact, and check in again with him in 2 or 3 months and see how he's doing. Be supportive, but don't get codependent.

And frankly, I think he needs to continue to seek out therapy on his own to better figure out how to establish and maintain his own boundaries, and have a better understanding and confidence in what he does want. Maybe if he knew those things better, he'd actually be better at finding them.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

"You're never too old (unless you're extremely ill) to start again. To learn how to relate better, to turn a new page and start a new chapter.

(And men can get someone pregnant well into old age, if it comes to that.)"

In terms of finding compatible partners who can have children, and want them with you, age is important. Plus there are birth defects associated with the age of the Father. To use 54 as an example, and 40 as the upper age limit for the mother, that's already a 14 year age gap. You may not conceive right away, especially as that age, so that's even more time.

 

[Magdlyn]

"You're never too old (unless you're extremely ill) to start again. To learn how to relate better, to turn a new page and start a new chapter.

(And men can get someone pregnant well into old age, if it comes to that.)"

In terms of finding compatible partners who can have children, and want them with you, age is important. Plus there are birth defects associated with the age of the Father. To use 54 as an example, and 40 as the upper age limit for the mother, that's already a 14 year age gap. You may not conceive right away, especially as that age, so that's even more time.

Sure. But who wants someone to become a dad if all his relationships have been abusive, neglectful or him just settling for whatever he can get? I think ideally a person should feel strong in their relationship with their potential parenting partner before starting to breed. Of course, pregnancy happens to people who are unfit parents all the time, but I'm talking ideally.

 

[MsEmotional]

Thank You

Thank you all for your encouragement. I know that this relationship has been struggling with codependency issues for awhile and that you all have been trying to encourage me to consider going our separate ways for quite some time.

I wanted to update, though.

We had our second therapy session on Monday and it went well. The therapist specializes in both ASD and non-monogamy and so he has a lot of experience with the relationship issues we are going through. He is encouraging us towards defining more explicit expectations. Ponytail has expressed that his feelings of wanting a closed relationship are primarily based on social anxiety around the uncertainty of expanding the polycule. Our therapist has said that this is common amongst people on the spectrum who are doing non-monogamy. A “relationship contract” (my understanding is that it would be a set of expectations between the two of us about our relationship and how much info/contact we have with metamours, not any rules that would be imposed on the other relationships) is what the therapist has recommended and what we will be trying out.

I really do hear you all about the concerns that nothing will be enough for Ponytail. But I would like to try some ideas with the therapist first before throwing in the towel. A relationship contract is certainly something we had never considered before and I would like to see if creating one with an experienced therapist might help.

I will bring up the kid thing, though. I’m realizing that maybe our therapist would be suggesting something different (like separating) if he knew that Ponytail wants a biological child. I don’t think that piece has come up yet....there’s been so much to fill him in on.

 

[Vicki82]

Hi MsEmotional- I read through your whole blog because I think that we have some similar personality traits. I certainly think I feel things more intensely than others at times.

Also, I'm poly and a Domme, if that helps any.

I just wanted to ask if in your contract discussion, that you also added in a section to define your wants and needs, and a dissolution protocol that you can both agree in. With my husband Henry, we had negotiated our last contract iteration when we planned to move in together, and it included a fair way for us to disentangle if things didn't work out. Perhaps yours could include a plan for how to manage your connection in the event that it becomes necessary?

We also found that the wants and needs section helped immensely. We were able to see each other's priorities and that made things clearer for us to understand each other. We have check ins periodically to update our contract- it covers our entire relationship including D/s rituals and protocols, polyamory agreements, and the aforementioned wants, needs, and dissolution protocol. Now that we're married, we had to make a few changes to that as well.

 

[MsEmotional]

Hi MsEmotional- I read through your whole blog because I think that we have some similar personality traits. I certainly think I feel things more intensely than others at times.

Also, I'm poly and a Domme, if that helps any.

I just wanted to ask if in your contract discussion, that you also added in a section to define your wants and needs, and a dissolution protocol that you can both agree in. With my husband Henry, we had negotiated our last contract iteration when we planned to move in together, and it included a fair way for us to disentangle if things didn't work out. Perhaps yours could include a plan for how to manage your connection in the event that it becomes necessary?

We also found that the wants and needs section helped immensely. We were able to see each other's priorities and that made things clearer for us to understand each other. We have check ins periodically to update our contract- it covers our entire relationship including D/s rituals and protocols, polyamory agreements, and the aforementioned wants, needs, and dissolution protocol. Now that we're married, we had to make a few changes to that as well.

Thanks. I don’t know exactly what our contract will entail. Thus far, we have been working on identifying needs — specifically, Ponytail’s needs during ASD-related meltdowns — and that has helped a lot. I like the idea of contract check-ins.

Because our D/s dynamic is ongoing and doesn’t really involve specific “scenes” as much as a constant dynamic, we also talked about how aftercare is something we haven’t given explicit attention to, and how maybe if we have an integrated D/s dynamic, we need more integrated aftercare.

It is going well. It is emotional work, but it feels good to be able to talk about it with someone who understands.

 

[MsEmotional]

Whiskers Update

I just posted about how things are going in therapy with Ponytail. Thought this might be a good time for an update about Whiskers.

Things are generally good. I still have bouts of crazy anxiety from time to time. He is still kind of distant and not super emotive. I feel like we are FWB and I’m not sure if that is what I want...but he also definitely calls our get-togethers “dates” — and even though he seems eager to make sex part of every date, he also seems intent on not making that all we do together. I think the next time we meet up I need to have a “sex talk” with him about some boundaries that I feel we should discuss. I’m not looking forward to it, but I am learning the importance of direct communication even when it is hard...

He told me that his wife is pregnant, which is super exciting. I’ve seen them together a couple times since then, gave her a present and a hug, etc. so so happy for them!

I’m also a little nervous. I remember how intense that newborn stage was with my own kids. I remember how stressful pregnancy was. I don’t want to impose or to expect too much. It makes sense to me now why, when I asked him directly if he wanted to keep seeing each other on a biweekly-ish schedule, he said, “yeah, definitely, for now.” At the time I wasn’t sure if that meant he was wanting to see me more often in the future or if he was just reiterating that relationships can change....now I get it that he was thinking about how much his life is going to change when the new baby arrives.

Anyway, so that is on my mind lately.

I also get this weird feeling when I am around him and his wife together. Kinda like I am the third wheel but also kind of like she....expects something from me? This is the second time that we have hung out and she gives me this cute little expectant look — kind of like she is waiting for me to say something and kinda like she wants me to hug her. (It often happens after I have given him a hug, which is why I sort of interpret it that way.) I’m not sure if I am missing something..

She also sat in-between us at this event we went to. It wasn’t a “date” type of event, just a kid’s theater production. Whiskers went into the row of seats first, then his wife followed and then me and my kids. It seemed like it would have been easy for them to stand up and switch spots, but they just didn’t. It was fine, it just felt like he was really far away from me and that I could really only talk to her. I just thought it was odd because when Ponytail and Glasses and I went to a theater together for the first time, Ponytail expressed that he was nervous that Glasses would sit between us and that that would feel “very aggressive” if he did. I reassure Ponytail that I agreed that that would be weird and her I didn’t think Glasses would want to sit in the middle anyway — nor would I want him to. I guess I didn’t interpret Whiskers’s wife as being “aggressive” but it just felt strange.

 

[MsEmotional]

Feelings toward a person vs feelings towards the idea of a person

I had a great time with Whiskers today. We spent about 5 hours together. I helped his family out with a task they needed help with, then the rest of his family left and he and I had a talk about sexual boundaries and then we had sex....then we grabbed some lunch and I went with him while he did some errands.

I really like so much about him....Except I cannot help but wonder....

You know that feeling when you realize you don’t actually *like-like* a person, but instead you like how they make you feel? Like, you are enamored with the confidence/sexiness/self-esteem you feel when you are with them....not enamored with the person themself?

With Whiskers, it is pretty much the opposite.

It’s not that he actively makes me feel *bad* about myself. But he doesn’t make me feel *good* about myself either. I just admire him for who he is. I like looking at him, I like touching him, I like talking to him....but he doesn’t make me feel good about *myself*....i just feel lucky that such a cool guy hangs out with me and wants to have sex with me. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It seems like a bad thing to just be attracted to someone because they make you feel like a goddess....but it also seems like maybe something is missing if I am with a guy who *doesn’t* make me feel like a goddess....you know? Are partners supposed to make you feel good about yourself?